The walls of my palace seemed to breathe. My walls always did that, but it seemed to close in on me more than it already did before. It shrunk smaller and smaller until there was no more space left for me to be in. The shadows cast by the dark colored curtains of the wide windows seemed to creep, waiting for a chance to grab my ankle. They wait for me in the darkness, until I am left alone with nobody to lean on.

 It was still a moonless sky with only stars flickering faintly; the only source of light that we had. In the room, there was only me and my brother. Cedrin sat in front of me, looking morose. It was certainly the first time I’ve seen him like this. His vibrant red eyes that pulled in many women were void of emotion. He seemed to be staring at something and yet seemed like he was staring at nothing at all. His face was pale and there were dark circles under his eyes. It makes you wonder how many nights he’s gone without sleeping. 

Could it be that he cared? 

My body was still shaking from the initial shock. The image of my mother’s head getting decapitated by my father’s knights played vividly in my mind. I could’ve sworn she glanced at me before the blade hit her neck. 

Everything went by so fast. 

I was just with my mother this morning, sitting underneath the peach tree of her garden, sharing cakes and cookies with each other. The delicious smell of the newly baked apple pie permeated the air. The slow morning breeze and mother’s warm smile were vivid in my mind as she cut through the crust of the pie. That moment she’d told me she was allergic to apples and cinnamon, but she remembered just how much I enjoyed the pastry back when I was a child. 

“I ordered the chef to make this especially for you, Cecilia.” She smiled at me as she said those words. And as my fork cut through the pastry, she’d look at me with complete adoration. The look on her face was tranquil, as if she was very happy. And when I stopped eating in the middle, mother would always say, “Make sure to eat more, darling. This is your favourite.” 

But now she’s gone. 

Mother…is gone. 

“She’s gone,” I said. My voice wasn’t loud or quiet, but Cedrin lifted up his head and turned to me. “She’s gone…” I said once more, this time a little bit louder. My voice breaking as the news sunk into me. 

“Sister…I-” 

I jerked my head up and looked at Cedrin, my emotions bubbled deep inside me. It was a mixture of pain, anger and heartbreak. “I was just with her this morning!” I screamed, tears threatening to fall from my eyes. My face was warm and my jaw tightened as my vision turned hazy. Cedrin was right in front of me, but I couldn’t see his expression well. Was he frowning? I wonder how he felt. Did he feel sad? Anger? Resentment? 

I gulped back the lump in my throat and tried not to cry. “I was just with her this morning, Cedrin!” 

He didn’t answer. 

“Why did you stop me?!” 

Gone was the moonless sky. And gone was my reason. The sky turned even darker and thick clouds covered the dots of stars. Raindrops fell down onto the windowsill, one by one. It started slowly and then followed the downpour. It was as if the heavens knew of my pain and took pity. Even the sky wept for the death of my mother. 

“Why did you stop me?!” I repeated as I stared into Cedrin’s eyes. And for the first time in a long time, Cedrin who always met my gaze with an even sharper gaze, looked away. My heart throbbed in my chest, it was painful. My chest tightened and it was very difficult to breathe. 

“What could you even do, sister?” His cold voice rang in my ears. And I couldn't believe it. My legs were numb as I stood there with my nails digging into the palm of my hand. Cedrin took a deep breath and looked up at me. His eyes were cold and unfeeling. I took a step back and frowned. Was I seeing things correctly? 

He stood up and dusted himself nonchalantly. He acted as though there was nothing wrong at all. “Are you serious right now, Cedrin?” I shook my head and looked at him in shock. “There was nothing we could do in the first place, sister.” His shoes clacked on the floorboards of the room as he approached me with a calm face. Was his worn out expression earlier just an act? Or was it something I hallucinated? 

“How could you say that?” 

“It was to be expected,” he said. “Mother committed adultery and she was punished for it. It is simply that.” 

“Do you believe that she committed that heinous crime?” My voice trembled. I was weak and my head throbbed as I listened to Cedrin’s cold answers. 

My breath caught when Cedrin looked at me with a sharp gaze. He loomed over me like a tower as his eyebrows knit together. “You seem to be missing the details, sister,” he paused, playing with the ring on his right finger. “Mother—no…that woman was caught having an affair with her personal knight whilst in the marriage with our father.” 

“She would never—” 

“Well she did, sister. And with all the evidence lying around,”  he cut me off.  

“She was our mother, Cedrin.” I said, trying to break into his feelings. But unfortunately for me, the Cedrin I once knew was long gone. My brother whom I treasured so much more than my own life was gone. I don’t know where he went, but surely enough this cold and unfeeling monster was nothing like the brother I thought he were to be. 

Cedrin hummed and raised one brow before tugging on his sleeve, trying to fix it himself. “Things like family don't exist in the palace, sister. You should know since you’ve lived here your whole life. Don’t act like you don’t know about how we live in this place.” 

“But even still, she took care of us when we were children. At least she was better than our absent father.” 

Cedrin laughed. “Absent to you,” he said. “He was always there for me. So I don’t really resonate with you at all, sister.” 

My jaw dropped. “So you’re just going to abandon our mother?” 

“It was such a shame. She was a splendid queen afterall.” Cerin’s words were like poison to me. I didn’t know he thought so little of his birth mother. No—I didn’t know he thought so little of me as well. I already knew he hated me, but never did I think he would have the heart to throw away and hate his very own mother. The woman who took care of him when he was such a young child. 

“I think it's best if you shut your mouth, otherwise you’re going to get killed next,”

My eyes met his gaze and I said, “Are you going to kill me then?” 

Cedrin stopped. 

“Answer me, brother. Are you going to kill me?” A mysterious flicker of emotion passed through Cedrin’s eyes. And for just a moment, his expression changed before he ultimately arranged his face back to his signature scowl. “I can snap your neck whenever I feel like it, sister. But I won’t be killing you now. Which is why you should live as a dead rat if you want to live longer.” 

I nodded my head and a burst of laughter came out of my mouth. Was I going crazy from the shock? So it would seem. 

“To think we were on good terms back when we were children.” 

“Stop clinging to the past, Cecilia. Because we will never be able to go back to those times.” 

“I wouldn’t even dream about it.” 

Cedrin flashed me his signature lopsided grin and tapped my shoulder with his gloved hand. I shuddered under his touch. Disgusted because I was related to this despicable person. “Go and rest, sister. You’ve had an exhausting day.” Cedrin turned around and closed the door behind him.

I stood there in shock. The conversation I just had with my brother was absurd. Did he actually not care about mother or me? I couldn’t believe that he had changed so much. My thoughts wander back to the final scene. 

My mother’s final moments were sad and disgraceful. Such a woman like her who was raised inside a house of a noble with dignity met such a tragic end. Was her affair true? I couldn’t believe it. Mother’s personal knight might’ve been too overprotective of her, but that was just because it was his job. It was his duty, the duty given to him by my very own father.

The image of her head getting cut off and her resolute expression as she breathed her last remained in my brain. And as soon as the single tear rolled down my cheeks, all that followed was an endless waterfall. My legs went weak. I hadn’t even noticed I was on the floor until my body leaned forward and my hands were pressed on the floorboards. I cried and cried until I fell asleep on the cold floor. 

 

*

 

They held no funeral for the queen. 

A week passed by, so fast and so monotonous. People in the palace had moved on as though the death of their female monarch was nothing but a trivial matter. Just like how quick my mother’s death came, the news and talks about her were gone in an instant. It seemed as though my mother had never existed at all. 

My mother, the previous High Queen of the Empire, the person who was crowned the most beautiful person of the Empire, was now known to be an adulterer. Her decapitated head was hung in front of the palace walls for everyone to see. The public disdained her that some even threw stones at her head as they walked past. 

But because mother was of noble lineage, her body was given a coffin but wasn’t buried in the Imperial Catacombs where most of the members of the imperial family were buried. Where she was supposed to be buried when she passed. Instead, she was given a small unnamed grave just at the back of the detached palace where I lived; underneath the peach tree we used to have tea together when I was a child. 

I was standing in front of her grave dressed in a black dress to signify that I was mourning. On the way here, the maids of the main palace looked at me and whispered like they always do. Their eyes showed too much about the things they were saying about me. After all, only a crazy person would mourn for someone who was an adulterer. But it didn’t matter to me. Adulterer or not, she was the woman who raised me. She was my mother. 

Many would look at me unkindly and some would even openly scowl at me. And I am pretty much sure they thought of me as a bane to the Empire. But I was already strange in their eyes to begin with. Adding another name to my list of titles wouldn’t even faze me. 

“Princess, you have to sleep.” A familiar voice. I don’t need to turn around to know that Jane was behind me. She has always been by my side, taking care of me when my family turned their backs on me. “At least take care of yourself better, your highness. I’m sure her highness Seraphina would want you to take a rest as well,” she said as she wrapped a piece of cloth on my shoulders. 

“Goodness, look at your pretty face.” Her hand was warm on my cheek. “You have dark circles under your eyes and you look worn out, your majesty,” Jane’s eyes were filled with worry and her forehead formed a crease as she examined my face. I must’ve really looked tired. “Would you like me to tell Alice to make you some soup? You at least have to eat something.” I glanced back at my mother’s grave and sighed. I guess it’s about time for me to take a rest. 

“Princess?” 

I turned around and knelt on the ground. I do not care at all if my dress were to be sullied by the dirt and the mud. Not at all. Because my mother’s reputation was sullied by a false accusation

Was it really a false accusation, Cecilia?

 

*

 

The fire in the fireplace crackled and glowed a lustrous gold flame. It was the only sound that was heard in the massive room, apart from the clink of the silver spoon on my tinted glass teacup. I sat in front of the raging fire, a wool shawl draped on my shoulders and a blank stare on the hypnotising red flames. 

Flashes of my mother’s quick execution ran through my brain. Her eyes, her expression, her demeanour; she remained as the dignified High Queen everybody saw her to be. I closed my eyes shut and tried to forget those thoughts. But it was no use. After my mother’s haunting expression, Cedrin occupies my mind. His cold gaze and his nonchalance was enough to bother me to bits. 

How could he? 

But it was no use trying to think of why that boy decided to throw away the person who raised him, the person who loved him. I heaved a deep sigh and stared at my reflection on the teacup. 

Ha…I look hideous. 

Knock knock knock. I looked at the door and Jane walked in with a troubled expression. Behind her was Prince Dion, the man I was engaged to. He was bringing a large bouquet of roses and wearing such an uncomfortable expression. What was he doing here?

“What brought you here, your highness?” I asked, eyeing the bouquet he had in his arms. Prince Dion’s eyes followed my gaze and he let out an awkward chuckle. “I…I thought you might like some flowers as a form of comfort.” 

I stared at him for a moment. “Please sit down, Prince Dion. And thank you for the flowers,” I said. “Although I would like it if you would notify me in advance if you plan on visiting me. It puts me in a tough situation, you see.” 

Prince Dion was seated in front of me, still looking as handsome as he always does. Unlike me who looked exhausted and tired, he looked all sparkly and bright. And there was an uncomfortable feeling bubbling up in my stomach. A feeling I didn’t like to feel. I steered my attention away from the Prince’s face and onto the bouquet of roses he’d brought with him. 

“My condolences for your loss, Princess Cecilia,” he said, his eyes glowing. He looked really concerned, did he perhaps feel sympathy? Or maybe pity is the right word. 

I know that he doesn’t have any ill intent and that he’s simply here because of the news about my mother. But receiving this doesn’t really feel good. “Did you come here just for that, Prince Dion?” 

“Well…” 

I waited for his answer. I could see the wave of panic flash into his eyes as he looked away. What was he really here for? 

“I apologise for coming here without telling you.” He scratched the back of his nape and looked away. “I wanted to come see you much earlier but I thought maybe you’d want some time for yourself. After…what had happened,” he paused and looked at me in the eyes, he always does. 

Of course the prince knew about my mother’s execution. Nobody in this entire empire wouldn’t know. Especially when my father decided to openly talk about it and spread such information to the masses. My mother’s reputation will forever be stained because of that man. I guess he no longer needed my mother, after all, Cedrin will inherit the throne when he decides to step down as High King. 

“Prince Dion…” 

“Yes?” 

“Have you ever watched your mother bleed in front of you?” 

The prince seemed quite flustered at my question. Who wouldn’t? And why wouldn’t he? The Prince lived a fairly blessed life, just like most princes in the world of royalty and nobility. They are cherished and beloved as they are viewed to be the heirs for their respective houses. But what of women like me? Females who were born first are killed the moment they come to greet the world. I was lucky enough to be spared because of my mother. But others who were like me are unfortunate. 

The prince wouldn’t know hardship. It is impossible for him to feel the same pain I am feeling right now. Regarding my dead mother and the relationship between my father, my brother and I.

I smirked. “Of course you haven’t, your majesty,” I paused. “Your mother, the Queen, is still very much alive and well. But my mother was killed in front of me,” I looked over to the massive window; birds chirped as the gentle wind breezed through the leaves of the peach tree that carried my memories. 

“She was killed by my very own father.” 

He looked away, feeling uncomfortable. 

“I apologise for those words, Prince Dion,” I said, embarrassed. The prince never answered and only stared at me with concerned eyes. “I shouldn’t have released my anger on you. You don’t have anything to do with this.” 

What have I done? 

“It’s quite alright, Princess Cecilia.” A tender smile, his dimples showing. How can he look so sincere? “People cope differently,” he said. “If you need someone to confide in, you know you can always come to me.”

I wasn’t accustomed to his kindness. But those clear eyes that stared into mine just felt good. If I accept him, I'm afraid I might drown in his care.