As comforting as it was to know that the witch hadn’t laced her refreshments with something nasty, having to watch Vexina offering cookies to Alice like a grandma spoiling her granddaughter was even more sickening.

That aside, she definitely wasn’t pressed for time, and she hadn’t thrown us out or attacked us. At least, not yet. In that case, what was this witch really looking for? Did she really just feel like showing off? Or…

“My dear, you’ll have to do more than just stare at me!” the witch barked, interrupting my train of thought.

Crap. “Alright then… What exactly are you doing all the way out here?”

“A good question,” she replied. “But first, answer this: do you fear the unknown?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t that a little too broad?”

“A simple yes or no will suffice,” the witch sighed.

“Fine. Then I’ll go with ‘no,’ at least not while I have a getaway plan.”

“The pragmatic approach, hmm? Understandable. You’ll find many here who would disagree, however, and for all the wrong reasons.” Vexina pondered something while tapping her staff on the floor in no particular rhythm. “Let me put it this way: The Church can’t have their city peasants making contracts with demons unchecked, and the bastards won’t spare even the world’s greatest alchemist, if you can believe it! Not without paying for a bloody license, at any rate. The cost is but a trifle to me, mind you, but it’s the principle of the thing. It’s okay Raglius, it’s not your fault…” The witch rubbed her pet demon gargoyle on the head and gave it a cookie. The creature gobbled it up disturbingly fast. “The carrot and the stick, my dear; that’s how you keep them for life!” she finished with a conspiratorial wink.

“Right…”

“Now, why don’t you get to the good part and tell me what you’re really after,” Vexina said with another tap of her staff. “I know the most profitable potion recipes in the land and more dark secrets of magic than you can shake a stick at, all of which could be yours—for the right price!”

I caught Alice trembling in her seat, eager yet too nervous to ask. There was one thing I just had to try first.

“I don’t suppose you’d want to help slay the Demon King?” I asked the witch.

“Heavens, no!” she snorted. “He’s an uncontrollable maniac. Why would I want to get rid of him?”

Of course, I should have known… “Then, how much for some combat spells?”

“Hmph. I expected worse from you,” she grumbled. “No matter. Let me think… Yes, perhaps there is something you could offer me. I’ll teach you all I know for just one little thing.” Another horrifying grin spread across the witch’s face. “A human sacrifice!”

Alice and I exchanged a look. That… didn’t sound like a joke.

“Now that’s the reaction I live for!” the witch cackled. “In all seriousness, do let me know if you acquire one. And preferably a man, at that.”

“Yeah, we’ll keep our eyes peeled…”

Vexina gave my dress another discomforting appraisal. “Well then, for an introductory lesson? One gold from each of you. And don’t bother haggling; you won’t get a better deal for what I can provide anywhere else.”

Alice hefted her rucksack uneasily. “Um, Beryl… I don’t have anywhere near that much.”

“What about all those ‘quests’ from the guild?” I asked.

“They don’t pay very well,” Alice frowned.

The damn witch didn’t have to look so pleased with herself how this was turning out! And the way she was still gazing at my dress as if… Wait, was she testing me?! What a money grubber! Even in the unlikely event that Vexina wasn’t trying to rip us off, and although I could just barely pay the equivalent of her asking price in silver, I wasn’t desperate enough to blow almost everything I had on this scrooge!

“You know you’re asking us for a lot!” I argued. “How are we even supposed to trust you with all the gold you’ve got from whatever shady dealings you’re into?”

“I can’t just give away my knowledge for free!” the witch snapped. “It’s the principle of the thing. And selling my perfected hangover cures to nobility is perfectly legal business, mind you.”

“I don’t even want to hear it! Alice, let’s get out of here.” I got up and spun around for the door. I could return later by myself and save—

I only realized too late that I’d spun too fast. My satchel swung around on its shoulder strap and collided with the table, unleashing the fanfare of hundreds of jingling coins.

Shit.

Slowly, I turned back to see Vexina’s face contort with sadistic glee as she uttered a smug, “Oho?” Alice clasped her hands together and looked at me with giant, pleading eyes.

“Beryl, pleeease?”

Don’t look, don’t look…! Damn it, how could I say no to those eyes?

Reluctantly, I opened my satchel. “Well, what do you know! I was just thinking about how I could lighten my load.”

Alice tackled me with a hug, making me shudder as I felt my breasts squish between us.

“H-Hey, what are you—”

She buried her head in my shoulder. “Thank you, Beryl! I love you!”

Ohh! I nearly gasped. Was this what it’s like giving all your money to a cute girl? I think I could get used to this! Who needs money, anyway?

***

The witch spared no expense making sure exactly two hundred of my silver coins were counted out, although she made her minion do most of the work. Vexina merely loomed overhead and ominously tapped her staff on the table when the small gargoyle slowed down or miscounted. When all was said and done, she cast another spell and a large book from across the room flew over to her outstretched hand.

“Now then. For your first lesson, read this until your eyes fall out.”

The witch handed me the book titled, A History of Applied Magic Theory. Or at least she tried to hand me it.

“What the hell is this?” I shot back. “You’ve got to be joking!”

“Not even going to humor me with a look? Bah, kids these days,” the witch huffed. “Everyone and their mother wants to be a thrice-damned archmage, and no one wants to put in any effort! What will you need next, a drink from a witch’s teat?”

“Uh, I’m not really interested, no offense.”

“I wasn’t offering!” she snapped.

“R-Right… Wait, this world has archmages?”

Vexina made another sour face. “Nothing you need to worry yourself about. It’s just a meaningless title passed down at the Academy from one brownnoser to the next.”

Yeah, that didn’t sound salty at all…

The witch paced around the room for a while before coming to a stop in front of us, wrinkling her nose as she sniffed the air. “I’ll whip something up for your training, but you smell like dirty city folk. Why don’t you two girls go wash yourselves off in the creek out back, and I’ll be ready for you when you’re done.”

With a flick of her wrist, a far door swung open to reveal what must pass for her backyard. Alice skipped her way outside and beckoned for me to follow.

“What are you waiting for?” Alice asked, grinning a little too eagerly. "Come on!"

...Why do I have a really, really bad feeling about this?