So there I was, sitting on the steps up to the neighborhood post office, trying to work up the courage to go inside and… what? Do what exactly? They clearly didn’t need ‘help.’ I could see through the glass that there was a vaguely-bureaucratic-looking dude standing next to a bin, and he had things well under control. What was I even doing here?

I let out a heavy sigh. At least it was nice outside. A perfectly nice, sunny day to sit around and have an identity crisis. I mean, hypothetically. I wasn’t doing that. I was just sitting here. Sighing. 

Ugh. Honestly, I knew I should be doing something useful, like checking on Sam and Elise. But I didn’t quite know how to face them. Elise, looking the way she did, suddenly all happy and cute? It stirred up these weird feelings in me. And ever since last night and that dream, now I kept feeling these strange, awkward things about Sam too… God, even though I had been like just a clueless kindergartener then, the thought of it now made me tremendously embarrassed. How had I said that? That I was going to marry him? It made me want to scream.

And then I looked up, just in time to see someone round the corner, carrying a cardboard box just about as big as she was.

I leapt to my feet, caught up in the desire to do something, since she was clearly struggling with lifting it. My dad had taught me to be polite and to help people weaker than me. That was part of being… of being a man, right?

“Excuse me, miss, do you need help?” I said, crushing all the complicated feelings down.

“Oh, um, yes,” she said, and I reached out to take the box from her. When I did, the face behind the cardboard was familiar.

“Elise?”

“Taylor?” Her eyes lit up with delight. “Hey! Hi!”

“You’re… you’re wearing a dress.”

She smiled bashfully, and gave a little twirl, sending the pastel yellow sundress flaring out in a swirl. “Do you like it?”

I gulped. It certainly clung to her a lot more than the big hoodie had. I was suddenly aware of her new curves. “Um. Yeah. Wow, you’re really cute.”

She giggled, her cheeks turning pink. “I know it’s a bit, um, more colorful than what I usually wear. I’m still trying to work out what kind of style I want to have, you know? What makes sense for me.”

I nodded, my expression blank. “I like it,” I said. “Um.” I looked her over again. “Yeah.”

“Gosh,” she said, punching my arm lightly. “Don’t stare, you’re making me embarrassed.”

“Sorry, it’s hard not to,” I said. “You’re too cute now. You’re just going to have to get used to it.”

She giggled some more, her face bright red. I had to look away, or else I was just really going to make this weird.

“How is Sam?” I asked, trying to steer this conversation away from the unnervingly attractive iceberg looming nearby.

“He’s good. Back to normal, thankfully. He says the only lasting effects are a newfound awareness for the struggles that trans people have to go through.”

“Because of the, uhm… the bad feelings?”

“Yeah, the dysphoria. Feeling like your body doesn’t match right.”

“Oh,” I said. Dysphoria, huh? It was really good that I didn't have to deal with that. Right? I felt fine. Normal. 

“And I guess he got a little euphoria in getting to go back to guy mode too.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“You know, like, that feeling of excitement and happiness when things are just right?” She smiled brightly. “I feel ever since I woke up this morning and saw myself in a mirror, I’ve been floating on a cloud of it.”

“That sounds nice.”

“Yeah.” She twirled a strand of her hair around her finger, giggling. And then she gave me a concerned look. “Are you okay? You look a little down all of a sudden. Ohmigod, I know that box is heavy and you’re just holding it while I babble at you.”

“Oh, no,” I said. “It’s no problem at all.” Honestly it was the furthest thing from my mind.

Elise grinned, poking at my bicep, her cheeks still a slight bit pink. “Figures, you always have been the strong one.” 

“Wh-what exactly do you have in here anyways?” I peeked inside, trying to look past the plastic bags at the top.

“Oh, more of that soda,” she said. “Did you know it was even in some grocery markets and convenience stores? I don’t know how it happened. I just finished gathering what I could find from local places and was about to turn them in.”

I forced myself to breathe evenly. “Right. So they can be destroyed.”

“Nah,” she said. “From what I’ve heard, the government is actually going to keep it for further study. You know how hush-hush they can be about anything that has to do with the monsters or the Rangers.” She leaned in to whisper. “Honestly, though? I’m secretly hoping that the soda stuff will wind up available through some medical program for trans people who want an easier way to transition. Knowing the government, the gatekeeping would still be pretty intense. But… it would be something.”

“Right,” I said, now feeling sick in a different direction. “For trans people. Of course.”

“I guess I was just super lucky to get the first batch,” she said brightly.

“I’m really glad for you,” I said. And then I frowned, because I could hear the flatness in my voice, and see the flash of confusion and worry in her eyes. I sat the box down for a minute, and let out a long breath. “No,” I said, “I mean it. I’m really happy for you, Elise. Even just talking to you for five minutes, it’s like night and day. You haven’t been like this since… since we were little kids. You’re clearly so excited and happy and bubbly, and it just makes my heart ache.” I hesitated. “I mean in a good way, you know? Like this is finally right? It’s perfect. For you.”

“Oh,” she said quietly. “Gosh.”

I chewed on my lip. “Can I… can I give you another hug? Is that weird?”

“Not at all!” she said, and then opened her arms wide. I was already taller than Luke, but I definitely had to reach down now to hug Elise. Which made me wonder… Tightening my grip a bit, I lifted her up, spinning her around, and getting a fresh set of giggles from her.

Hugging her was really, really nice. Except now I could tell that she was softer, and, um, could feel those curves, and… I really shouldn’t think about that, right? That was weird. She was just a friend. A girl friend. Not a… not a girlfriend. Because if she was my girlfriend, if I was her… her boyfriend… that would be… wrong. Not to mention, what about Sam?

And then I realized I had been holding her a long time, and I awkwardly had to let go. She looked kind of flushed and out of breath when I did, and I immediately felt guilty. 

“Hey, um, Taylor,” she said, fiddling with the hem of her dress. “There was something else I wanted to talk about with you, and… and with Sam. And I thought I would try to wait a bit so we could all get used to the new normal, but I just— now that I feel like everything makes sense and I am who I always wanted to be, that changes everything about, um, us and, uh…”

I stared at her blankly. Now she was… literally twiddling her thumbs?

“And— and I want things to be out in the open, because if I try to keep it inside I’m going to explode, and so it’d really just be good if we could sit down and talk sometime. Sometime soon. All of us, about, um, things. Because last night, Sam and I were together at his place, and I know he was just sort of vulnerable and we were all in a weird place with the situation, but he said some things, and I said some things, and… and yes, we should talk about them together, all of us, okay?”

My soul was departing my body. Oh. Forget 'what about Sam.' What about me? I could see it now, the two of them holding hands, going on a date in the park. Good for them. Good for both of them. God knows I love them and just want them to be happy. I just wished it didn’t have to be without me. But I could handle that. For their sake.

“Sure,” I finally said.

“Great!” she said. “Maybe you can come over to Sam’s this evening? We can get together in the treehouse out back, just like old times.”

“Sounds good,” I murmured.

“Yeah!” She hesitated, a complicated series of expressions flitting across her face. And then she stepped forward, stood up on her tiptoes, and the next thing I knew I could feel her lips brushing against my cheek. Before I could react, she fled—literally, she took off running in the opposite direction.

I was left staring after her, feeling completely baffled and adrift. It took a moment for my brain to start putting together legible thoughts again. 

The first one to come together was: oh, that was what a pity kiss was like, huh? God, she was too nice. Even though she and Sam were going to announce they were dating, she wanted me to know they wouldn’t leave me behind. Now I’d just have to make my peace with the new arrangement and find a way to smile and wish them luck.

Even if I didn’t really want to think about that right now.

My eyes drifted down to the cardboard box at my feet. I bent down to rummage through the plastic bags, and sure enough, there were cans and cans of that orange soda stuff, with the same bug-eyed cartoon fish on the side. Some of them were even in six-packs, with the little plastic rings holding them together. Wasn’t that bad for aquatic life or something? You’d think the evil fish guys would be more eco-friendly. I took a breath, letting it out evenly. Either way, I guess I shouldn’t just leave this in the street.

I easily lifted it, carrying it the rest of the way to the post office. When the guy inside saw me struggling, he stepped forward to open the door—I could manage the weight just fine, but the box was awkward due to the size.

“Hey there, son,” he said, and I winced. “Dropping off some of that soda?”

“Yup,” I murmured, carrying it the rest of the way to the bin, where he motioned for me to set it to the side.

“I’ll take it from here,” he said cheerfully. “We’re just sorting everything out and making sure we keep track of it all.”

“Makes sense,” I muttered. I turned to go, but I heard him say “Oh!” and I froze.

He held up a six pack that had only five drinks in it, one plastic ring hanging useless and empty. “Looks like we’re missing one. Did you see who might have taken it?”

“No,” I said evenly. “But it’s fine, right? The effects are temporary, I hear.”

“Maybe, but they’re no fun.” He let out a loud laugh. “I’m speaking from experience, embarrassingly enough. Though having a full head of hair again for a bit was pretty nice!”

I forced a polite chuckle.

“Well thank you for the help! Nice to see interested youth helping out in their community.”

I nodded, and awkwardly walked away, pushing the door open as I hurried out into the street. I just knew he was about to call me ‘son’ again or something. I shivered. 

And now I should go home. Or maybe over to Sam’s to check on him and Elise, if I wanted to bite the bullet and get that conversation over with now. Heck I could even go to the library and study, I guess. I had a whole day full of possibilities ahead of me, even if I didn’t feel that excited about any of them.

I let out one more sigh and my right hand drifted up to my jacket pocket. As I stood there in the road, contemplating my options, my fingers traced the oddly cool metal of a soda can.