Hey, Please Come Back to Me?
Tags: School Life, Love Interest Falls in Love First, Tragedy, Misunderstandings
Feelings in disorder, the boy reminisces.
“Hey, Brian!” My friend, Lawrence, cried out as he ran and huffed. I subconsciously stopped my tracks and looked at him lividly. He held both his knees to support himself and slumped when he finally caught up, panting. “What the hell, Brian?! Why are you so enraged? You even ignored Claire!” Lawrence admonished.
I scowled and stayed silent.
“Brian!” Lawrence rebuked as he noticed my ridicule.
“You’re not my fucking mom, Lawrence,” I growled out as I gritted my teeth, tilting my head down to hide the raging feelings flashing in my eyes.
I know what I did was wrong, but the fault wasn’t on all me (even if the people who witnessed the scene think otherwise).
But think about this seriously: how would you feel if a woman suddenly invaded the peace that you slowly built up, and slowly but surely, broke down the walls that you made sure were impregnable to protect yourself from any possible hurt?
The someone unnecessary in your life, but still became part of it anyway?
Walls that were impenetrable, so laughable.
It was just frustrating, okay?
How was she able to laugh and smile like that even with so many rejections she received from me? How could she be that strong? How was she able to continue moving and going forward?
Or maybe her confessions were just a bunch of bullshit just to spite me?
This seemed more plausible, to be honest.
Not anyone could bravely confess as she did. So full of energy, confident, and bright; never wavering even when she was shot down so many times.
Not anyone could do that. Even I had no strength to do that. Or maybe it’s because I was simply a coward?
But in the first place, I never met her in my life. How was she able to interact with me like we’ve been friends for so long?
It’s not like I met her since we’re young right? I had no recollections about this woman named Claire and we never talked until she suddenly confessed.
Without noticing that I was clenching my fists until they were trembling and pale, I was poked by Lawrence, waking me up from my messed up thoughts. “Hey.” He softly called.
“What?” I hissed.
He silently handed me an envelope. I looked at him in confusion.
Lawrence smiled weakly. “It’s from Claire.”
From his words, I suddenly felt a fit of unprecedented anger. But this time, I hid it and glared at him. “No need. You can throw it away.” I carelessly spat, yet an agonizing ache from my chest told me something else.
Lawrence then forced the envelope to me, scowling. “Okay, Brian.” He started as his eyes flashed dangerously. “I don’t care what fucking problem you have today, but what you just did in front of Claire was not nice.” He huffed. “You even ignored her and left!” He exclaimed in anger.
“You will not throw that letter away and put her feelings for you in vain.”
Then we parted and went to our own homes.
Thinking about how I acted earlier made my hand—holding the envelope—tremble.
I could only hurriedly put the envelope in my pants pocket in trepidation.
I have never fallen in love. Period.
In the first place, what the hell is love?
Most of my friends were incredibly sappy and said so many things that I totally didn’t comprehend. They were so happy to explain—with foolish grins on their faces—that love is a feeling of warmth; that love is something unexpected.
Though, at first, they looked at me like I was a ghost because they were astonished to hear me asking such a question. Why? Was it really weird of me to ask something like “What is love for you guys?”
I heard numerous people feeling so elated when they found their “The One”, but then after a short while, I witnessed some crying over that “The One” and declared that they won’t love ever again. Yet, they repeat such mistakes and fall in love again. I can’t understand. If they were to be hurt in the end, why be stubborn and go look for a new love to be only hurt once more?
There were also some cases that those people you knew once, could change so much just because of “Love”.
Love sure is scary. It made people change so much.
Then, when I asked about my Pops about that sort of thing, he just gave me a strange smile and a pat on the head. “You’ll know it when you meet that someone, Brian.”
Why was Pops so vague?! He could just tell me outright what love meant!
“Love can’t be really explained in mere words, Brian."
But if I were to put it in my own words—or maybe it’s something I forced out just to console my doubtful self?—Love is something sacred and something that mustn’t be joked about.
Funny, isn’t it? Here I was, asking Pops about ‘Love’, yet my thoughts were just unbelievably full of crap and shallow.
Why did the people I know easily met their other halves? How were they able to know that this certain someone will be the person they will be forever together with?
Were there signs, or maybe some indications that this someone would be their fated person? How were they able to find out? How were they so sure and confident? It’s just so confusing.
Arriving home with a mind in total chaos, I dragged myself towards my room. But before I could finally get my long-awaited reprieve, I heard my mom calling for me.
“Brian, dear! Go fix yourself up! We’ll be eating out with our relatives!”
I groaned when I heard my mom’s voice. I threw my bag onto the coffee table and went towards my wardrobe, opening it and looking for what to wear.
Angrily ransacking my cabinet and found nothing decent to wear, I consequently decided that changing clothes was just a hassle and went down to the living room to wait for the people to finish their own preparations.
As I waited for them to finish their shit, I reached for my pockets to grab my phone, only to feel a smooth texture of something which was not a phone. I pulled it out and was shocked to see that it was the envelope I got from that obstinate woman.
The envelope was color peach and was unbelievably thick. There were no written names of the sender or receiver outside it like what I saw in dramas. There was no heart-shaped sticker on the area where the envelope could be opened either. It was just a plain-colored envelope.
Just what the hell is inside of this anyway? Are love letters supposed to be this thick?
“Oh?” Pops suddenly entered the living room and raised a brow in interest as he saw the envelope I was holding.
Feeling a bit guilty—what, why—I hurriedly put it back inside my pocket.
“Hey…” He placated as he sat down on the sofa beside me. Then he curled his lips in an amused smirk. “Our son received a love letter…” He marveled. Then he chuckled. “I see, I see… So, that’s the reason why you asked something like that, huh…” He guessed.
My cheeks flushed in embarrassment and slight frustration. “No!” I exclaimed as a bolted upright. Pops tensed and widened his eyes in surprise, looking at me with a slight reprimand in his expression. He sighed. “Do you know who it was from?” He asked, giving me a teasing look.
Feeling a bit bad at my sudden outburst, I growled out one word. “...Claire.”
And without rhyme or reason, Pop’s playful expression froze and shifted into a look of horror. He looked at me like he saw a ghost and opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. There was a long moment of silence before he could speak once more, but it was very soft and it even sounded a little bit raw and shaken and broken. “...Can you please repeat that?”
I was perplexed as to why Pops reacted that way. Why would he react like that when he heard that woman’s name? Maybe he knew something about her?
Having no idea what was happening, I cleared out Pop’s request and answered with a louder and clearer voice. “It’s from Claire, Dad. Do you know her?”
Dad’s face got paper-white and he wobbly stood up. He even stumbled in his panic and hurriedly ran towards the hallways and screamed.
“Grace! We’re going to Daryl’s home!”
Everything happened in a muted and fast-forwarded manner. Everything was unclear and I had no idea what was happening. So much happened in a few hours.
After answering Dad’s question, he immediately grabbed my arm, and hurriedly pulled me towards the car. After that, mom followed suit and rushed towards us. I heard them getting panicked and everything just blanked out. I couldn’t remember what happened after that.
I never knew that my parents are acquainted with that woman’s family. Pops and Ma didn’t tell me anything. If the letter wasn’t seen by Pops, I would never have known about their relationship.
Why was it that Pops and Ma were so panicked? Just because Pa saw the letter, he changed.
Pops and Ma weren’t really sociable and only had few friends. Those friends they had were very treasured and treated like family. I never met them, but I know that Pops and Ma were always concerned about them. Regularly calling to ask how they were, or sometimes, visiting them to have fun.
However, it was sometimes a bit too much because there were times that Ma called her friend every two hours, and worriedly walked around the house. Also, Pops was restless and talked about things that didn’t make any sense endlessly. It was a bit scary, but at the same time heart-warming because it was appalling that they were very close until now.
Deep in my thoughts, I didn’t notice myself being pulled once more, and my body moved on its own.
I am now inside a dark and gloomy house with Pops and Ma talking to two people who were obviously distressed, with their faces left unwashed and clothes all wrinkled.
Upon arriving in a dim hallway, my mom immediately rushed and hugged the haggard woman. “Crystal…” She sobbed.
The haggard woman was expressionless. But when mom embraced her, I saw her hiccup painfully and buried her face on mom’s shoulder. “Grace…” She sobbed. It wasn’t even that long when the other woman finally collapses and cried loudly. “Grace! Claire is…! Claire, my daughter!”
She screamed.
“She doesn’t want us to enter! She doesn’t want us to see her!”
…What?
The hell is going on?! Where is this?! Claire? What?!
My thoughts got so messed up that I looked around the area dizzily. And in a strange way how the God of Fate played this situation, that was the moment my head cleared up and looked at the two pairs of people looking grim and with a dark atmosphere that felt like death.
The woman and Ma were hugging each other. Ma's face was in total agony, but she bit her lip to stifle her sobs and acted strong for the other woman who was having her mental breakdown.
Then, I saw Pops walking closer to the man who was looking down, but the atmosphere around him was also in chaos as his whole body was shaking. Pops patted his shoulder and the other man just crashed. "Warren… Fuck! Claire is…" The man sobbed and whimpered.
"Let's just do what she wants." Pops tried to console the other man.
"I know, damn it! But Claire is dying, Warren! We want to see her final moments!" Daryl cried.
I felt my blood running cold.
Without notice, the cries and wails suddenly muted. The movements around gradually flowed in slow motion, then my mind suddenly blanked. Those words I just heard repeated numerous times inside my mind. Those words haunted my whole damned being.
Dying. Claire. Claire. Dying. SHE IS DYING.
WHAT THE FUCK!
FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!
What the fuck!
Who the hell would go destroy my peace, wreak havoc in my mind, change my world, then fucking disappear?!
How dare you do this?!
THIS ISN'T FAIR!!
THIS ISN'T FAIR!!
THIS ISN'T FUCKING FAIR!!
FUCK!
Claire how fucking dare you do this to me.
What the fuck is this feeling in my chest?! Fuck this!
My mind can't think of anything. Total chaos. Total destruction.
Her face was the only thing in my mind. That smile of hers so bright, that it lit up the dark world I had in my heart.
Her voice rang in my ears, her voice that was so melodious and sonorous that I would look for it every single day just to say my name.
And her laughs… Fuck! Hearing it just one time would push all my bad feelings away!
The smiles and grin she would show me… They were the things I was looking forward to everyday… And my day would go well.
It just felt so… warm. So warm that I wished that I could look at her every single day.
And that was the moment I realized.
I love her.
I fucking love her.
But I was too damn late.
Then, the sound of a beep inside the locked door gradually made way towards my ears.
A scary kind of beep.
Why?
Why?
Why why why why why why why whywhyWHY?!
I gasped and heaved as I felt my consciousness started up. My body sat upright and held my chest and groaned, feeling the rapid and painful beats of my heart. I hacked and coughed, wheezing. My body was drenched in a cold sweat.
“Brian!” A voice worriedly exclaimed at my side.
My eyes turned to her figure, but my vision was blurry and unfocused. “...Mom?”
“Son…” A warm embrace then covered me, and I just sat there. What happened? Why am I on a bed? And it even looked like I wasn’t in my room since the interior was not the same as my own. It was unbelievably plain and desolated.
“Ma…” I hoarsely trailed off. “Where are we?”
I hurriedly bolted out of the room I was confined to, disregarding all the people’s shouts and calls.
.
Mom smiled gently, but it was with obvious grief because of the haggardness of her face. “We’re in the guest rooms inside Daryl’s family home.” She caressed my cheek and sighed quietly. “You suddenly collapsed.”
She took a deep shuddering breath as she started telling me a story. "Actually, you and Claire were pretty close when you guys were young…" She grinned widely, albeit obviously strained.
"You guys together was very cute." She smiled gently. "But Claire was very frail and needed to be hospitalized frequently, but even so, you still visited and played with her." She held my hand tightly and her face became pained.
"But then her condition worsened. And they left the country for treatment. You thought everything was your fault, and without rhyme or reason, you lost all memories about her."
I looked at mom in horror.
.
Evading the people on the way, I dashed more madly, looking around the unfamiliar place, but strangely, it also looked a bit familiar to me, and the feeling of homeliness and warmth inside was heart-wrenchingly painful for me.
Ah… So she grew up in this family?
She wasn’t treated terribly then.
.
"Miraculously, her condition improved, and was permitted to go out, albeit a short time." She chuckled softly like she was remembering a good memory. "She desperately asked for you when she heard that she would be able to go out." Ma looked at me gently.
"We tried to stop her, but she was relentless. We even told her about you losing your memories, but she was such a strong girl." She sighed. "Did you know what she told us?" Her breath hitched.
"It's no problem! I'll just wreak havoc in Brian's peace and make new memories!"
She tried to speak more, but it gradually became painful for her as she was sobbing.
“Mom…” I shakily breathed out, looking at her with a feeling of dread climbing up my heart. “...Claire?” Was the only thing I could voice out.
I tried to stand, but I noticed that my hand was still holding a certain plain envelope, and the ache became excruciatingly painful that it became hard for me to breathe.
My breath hitched in pain. My eyes darted back to mom and waited for her answer.
Mom tried to smile widely to show some positivity, but the agony was obvious.
.
Finally having a glimpse of the room where she was bedridden a few dozen steps away, my legs moved more quickly and when I arrived, I pushed the door open.
The room was barren and almost devoid of light. The smell of sickness permeated the dim room that made my whole being ache with unbearable anguish. There were figures clad in white uniforms cleaning and fixing the machines that served to prolong her life, but the person I was looking for wasn’t there.
She… Claire wasn’t there.
I thought that I would still have a chance to change something, but it seemed like… I was too damn late again.
Brian, you fucking idiot.
.
.
The next day, the campus was in an uproar due to the news that Claire had dropped out of college. Many asked me if I knew anything about it, but I just ignored them.
I could only try my utmost best to act normally like everything was okay, that Claire being gone was simply like a friend transferring to another university. That I would be able to meet her again if she visited…
It was so damn difficult.
So I hid in my shell. I didn’t go to classes for a few weeks.
.
.
*knock* *knock* *knock*
“Brian, dear? It’s time for dinner… You need to eat.” Mom called out. I was still feeling guilty about what happened so I hid deeply in my blankets and tightly shut my eyes, hoping that I would be able to vividly see her face and hear her voice. I missed her. So, so much.
How I wished that I looked at her when she called me for the last time.
How I wished that I stayed.
How I wished that I simply listened.
Claire must’ve something she wanted to tell me that day.
Fuck.
Remembering that, I just found myself sobbing and painfully crying.
"Hey, Claire… Please come back to me?"
Hello, Such Handsome Man Brian,
First of all, this is just something I wrote to tell you. Well, I’m sure you know what it is already, but I wanted to tell you one last time, in person, you know. But, reality really is such a bitch.
Thank you for giving me the strength to carry on. If not for you, I would have totally disappeared in a blink of an eye and never met people I would have come to like.
Thank you for giving me the privilege to have an opportunity to meet people, meet you, and simply living life. I have to thank you.
I like you, Brian! Thank you very much for everything!
P.S. Btw, I have a picture of you half-naked in the locker room. It’s blurry though, damn. And most of them were stolen shots. There was even a picture of us together when we’re still kids! AHHHHHH! I liked the picture where you were serious reading a book, or where you were laughing with your friends. Looking at your pictures really encouraged me. Though, don’t ask how I got them. ;) Those pictures were my lucky charm. Hehehehe. They're at the back of this letter, by the way.
Hello and goodbye, Brian. I like you! I hope you will have a good future ahead of you! Go all out for my sake too!
- Claire
