Look, if you loot my house ya aint gonna be in for a good time. I WILL murder you. But first, I’ll put the fear of God in you. And that’s exactly what I was planning to do with these low-level, leather-armor wearing noobs. 

 

Like seriously. LEATHER? What is this, amateur hour? I was so just about to lay into the bastards when I heard an excited squeal from one of the women. She dropped the pot she was holding and held her hands up to her mouth while the other was hopping up and down frantically.

 

Their usernames showed them as [SexyCollegeBitch] and [HoneyFlavoredNips] and I wanted to wack the fuck outta them in their fathers’ place for that alone.

 

“OMG no way is that Damien Claybrook?!” College bitch stared fixedly. She was a tall brown-haired woman with an athletic build. Her armor didn’t cover her midriff, completely impractical, but did leave a fine view of a perfectly flat and toned belly. 

 

“It totally is! I’d recognize him anywhere. Oh wow, I can’t believe he’s here! He’s SO hot!” Honey nips, a slim doe-eyed blonde with a face lightly dusted with freckles and sporting a more modest chest compared to her bustier friend. Her own armor was more protective of the legs, a long leather skirt with metal studs hanging around her waist while her upper area only had a dark leather jerkin.

 

“Who?” One of the men asked, a square-jawed jock-looking dude with a broadsword by his hip. [Dirk] 

 

How original.

 

“You know, from the game?” Bitch shook her head at his blank stare. “Um, hello? Love Orgy? The series the game is based off of? How can you not know it? He’s a prominent character in both the first and sixth installments!”

 

“That sorta rings a bell... I think my sister used to play that.” The second man, [LikesDemTiddies] provided uselessly. “Sorry, we don’t care for those kinda girly games.”

 

“Wow, you two are unbelievable.”

“Why even come play if you don’t know any of the previous games?”

“We heard you can fuck.” The two men answered, perfectly reasonably. I’ll give them that.

 

“Speaking of fucking…” Honey nips and college girl shared a conspiratory glance. As on they started fiddling with their leather straps.  

 

“What’re you guys doing?” The Dirk asshat raised a brow. 

 

“Isn’t it obvious? He’s been my male god since forever! I’m not letting a chance like this go.”

“Jesus christ, woman. Really? What about the loot? There’s good stuff here.”

“It’ll still be here when we’re done, dude. Chill. You enjoyed yourselves that first day, let us have our turn!”

“The fuck are you talking about? We got our heads popped like bubble wrap by some crazy blonde.” Tiddies threw up his hands in exasperation.  “We died five times! We got negative levels. NEGATIVE. LEVELS. Like what the fuck even is that? Such bullshit. It took forever to recover! And we can’t even respawn anymore cuz some fucker destroyed the spawn points, so we had to be extra careful! How the hell is any of that able to be called “enjoying” ourselves!?”

 

“Oh. Well. I guess it can’t be. Sucks to be you.” The girls snickered. Honey continued. “But yeah. We’re doing this.”

 

As the girls stripped down, Dirk was eying me with wariness. “Say,” He started. “What’s this guy’s backstory?”

“Who, Damien?” College girl asked. “ He’s the brother of the first game’s main antagonist, Dahlia Claybrook. His sister was engaged to the Crown Prince of their KIngdom so obviously she was in the Heroine’s way. He’s even an antagonist himself in a later game.”

 

“I see. And that Kingdom they live in, where is it?”

“Oh. Well, it’s borders are some ways off from here. Why?”

“Why?” The man repeated and looked at her weirdly. “...Guys. He’s an important character in the game, right?”

“Um, yeah. He’s really strong too. You can fight him if you trigger a certain event in a DLC. Though you can’t beat him even with fully leveled characters and upgraded gear. ” 

 

“...So what’s a character like that doing in a random house hundreds of miles away from his home?” 

 

Silence.  

 

I stepped forward accordingly. “Good question.” My bloodlust wafted out slightly as I debated how to kill them. It had an immediate effect on them.

 

“My arms...I can’t move!”

“Such a huge pressure…!” The athletic girl was forced to her knees, holding her stomach and breathing rough. “It’s too much...It’s...”

“What is this? It’s so hard to breathe it’s like I’m being crushed!” 

 

Then, strangely...“Oh god...so hot…I-I can’t...I really...Ah!”

 

What. The fuck. She DID NOT just squirt on my goddamn floor!

 

“You bitch, you clean that up right now!” I roared. 

 

So anyway I started going Ogre on them. 

 

Or was about to until Mary walked into the room. “What’s taking you so long? Who are these people?” 

 

My thirst for blood subsided, releasing them from my apparent control. But the woman commanded the attention of everyone the moment she appeared, capturing them in another kind of force. The men sat with mouths agape while the half-naked women blinked in apparent surprise at the sheer beauty of her. 

 

“Who is THAT?” One of the males asked.

“I think she’s the World Tree spirit.” Blondie whispered. “ She’s only shown up once, in the sixth game’s last DLC. What’s she doing with him? And here of all places? She looks even better in person, too! So pretty…”

 

Ignoring them, I responded with, “A bunch of noobs who wandered into the wrong Dragon’s lair.” 

 

“Thieves, then.” She nodded in understanding. “Take your time. I’ll go wash up since I’m a little sweaty.”

 

“What, and wash away your flavor?!” I panicked. “Hells no! You know I loves me some of that good cannabis oil. Today I’m drinking straight from the tap, dammit.”I licked my parched lips and enjoyed seeing Mary squirm.

She sent a disdainful glare. “How obscene.” The woman sneered. “It’s obvious I’ve been too lenient. I suppose I need to set you straight soon or you’ll start to think I’m easy to bully.”

“So you want to be on top today.” I nodded my head in understanding.

“I said no such thing!”

 

Meanwhile. 

 

“Say...is this guy really an NPC? The way he talks…” TIddies trailed off doubtfully.

 

Dirk nodded. “It’s different.”

“Yeah. He never talked like this before. It’s so...vulgar. I love it. I want him to--”

“Snap out of it!” Dirk hissed. “You’ve been charmed! Fight it!” He urged uselessly. 

 

“Please…” A series of rough pants entered my ears. Blondie. She was writhing on the floor and directing hazy eyes my way as she touched herself. “Please.” She begged incoherently. 

 

“Fuck!” Dirk clenched his teeth. “ Just standing in his presence is so difficult...! How is anyone supposed to fight a guy like that?”

 

“I know. This is insane, I can barely even breathe.” TIddies struggled to speak. “And those two…” His gaze wandered towards his female companions.

 

“Damien…” The women moaned. By now they were slowly crawling to me, their hands reaching out, faces red and hazy, dripping all sorts of fluids on my floor. I quickly backed up and threw a pillow at their heads. “Fuckers.” He snapped. “ Clean up your goddamn mess and get out! I ain’t fuckin’ you, I’m fuckin’ her!” I pointed towards Mary. 

“Shut up.” I was hit on the head. “And they look like they’re being affected by something.” Mary gave the women a cursory glance. “Your incubus powers are running amok, perhaps? Even I feel quite...hm.” She stopped, not wanting to give me that kinda ammo. “Nevermind.” She coughed politely.

 

“I really need to learn how to use them, I think.” I rubbed my chin. “Could be fun. But anyway, let’s deal with these guys first.”

“Don’t get too much blood on you.”

“But a little is fine?” I wonder if she liked me getting a bit bloody. 

 

“I suppose.” She waved vaguely before disappearing back up the stairs. I was therefore left alone with two men paralyzed by fear, and two women paralyzed by horniness. I got ready to send them back a level, but thought of something. 

 

...These guys are from Earth. Yeah? Which means…

“Heh. Hey, you guys wanna do me a favor?” I walked over and started patting the back their leader, or who I thought of as their leader. Dirk.

 

He visibly shook when I knelt down beside him. I could almost taste his terror. Odd since he was a player and his life wasn’t even in danger. Pussy. I retracted my bloodlust as much as I was able to so he didn’t defecate himself

 

 “Favor?” He clenched his teeth and ground out. He took a deep breath. I could hear the beat of his heart slowly start to calm down from it’s previously erratic state.

“Yeah. A favor. It’s simple really. I just want you guys to go and check on a few people for me. See? Easy. In return I don’t torture you, and I’ll even give you a reward. Disagree and I make it a point to have you hunted down and killed to level -99.”

As I was speaking the women had found themselves at my sides and started groping. I annoyedly spanked their rumps. “Fuck off.”

 

They sucked in a cold breath as their knees buckled. “Oh god...it hurts so good…” 

 

Hm. 

 

“Ignore them, they’ll be like that for a while I think. Anyway, what do you say, huh?”

The men sent each other a glance and eyed me strangely. “You...are you really an NPC?”

“Motherfucker, who you calling an NPC? I was ran over by Truck-kun. You know how it is. I got isekai’d, what’s it to you?” 

 

They sat their with shocked expressions and looked at each other for a second time, doubt and skepticism clear in their faces. 

 

“Is...is he joking?”

“I don’t know. Is this some sort of event? Are the devs fucking with us?”

 

“It’s crazy, isn’t it? He doesn’t sound like an NPC at all...no, even the others seemed really real. But he’s talking about things like Truck-kun and isekai stuff and he knows what an NPC is, it seems like. I can’t believe this conversation is real.” 

 

“What do we do?” They started whispering to each other.

 

“How should I know?!”

“Well I mean we have to do something!” TIddies exclaimed.

“Like what? I just came to fuck and fight, I didn’t sign up for this kind of shit, alright?”

 

Tiddies went silent for a minute. “M-maybe we hear him out?” He finally spoke up. “He did say he was going to reward us. Such a strong and important character has to have good stuff, eh? Whether he is an NPC or just some dev messing around.”

I snorted. “Maybe you dumbasses also stop talking like I can’t hear you. How about that?”

“Fuck!”

“Shit.”

 

“And I’m not an NPC. Or a dev. I got isekai’d. I told you. Believe or not, don’t care. Anyway here.” I grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil from the nearby table and began writing down some names. “When you log out, look up these guys. Anything you can, yeah? Just...I don’t know, find out if they’re okay. Then report back, got it? All you have to do.” I handed them the paper and stood. “Now get the fuck out. I’m trying to fuck my future wife/mother-in-law.”

 

Without giving them another word, I directly threw them out.