DerbyGhost

Hello everyone! Hope you're ready because I'm going to be posting 4 chapters this weekend! Two tonight, and one each on Saturday and Sunday! Let's see how Jay's handling

“You need to rest, that was a great dinner and you look like you’ve been hit by a truck, ah, metaphorically speaking. Why don’t you go take a nap and I’ll handle all of these dishes okay?” Kass shooed me out of the kitchen, despite my very vocal protests. Juking, I dodged hir arms and dashed through hir legs to make my way to the sink to try to wrap up the dishes so that zie wouldn’t have to. I would have gotten away with it too if Kass didn’t play dirty. 

I felt my gravity shift as hir strong arms hooked around my legs and torso and locked me in a princess carry. No matter how much I thrashed or kicked zie had me locked up tight, and laughing all the way took me back to my room. 

“I mean it Jay, you do so much for me so I am placing you officially in time-out, naughty kitten. Let me do something once in a while. Besides it looks like you have some things you need to think about.” And with that zie shut the door behind hir leaving me alone. All by myself, just chilling trying to process the things that I really didn’t want to process.  

While a part of me was begging for me to sort all of this out and to figure out what the hell was going on to my head, another part begged for us not to look behind the curtains. Deep inside I knew that there was no going back from my topic of introspection. That to probe the depths of my identity would change me permanently. It didn’t matter if the changes were positive or negative. Just that they would come. I’d reached a mental point of no return. 

And I was happy as Jerrod. Well okay maybe I wasn’t happy as Jerrod but I was safe, and that’s basically being happy anyway. I had a pretty solid career plotted out for me, kind of. If no major change to my life happened I could get a job at a museum, or maybe as a research assistant, or even a teacher. Ooh! Or if I hated myself I could take a gap year off, work some shitty jobs, and then apply to Grad School too and work to be a history professor in a field with more and more dwindling opportunities. That would be rad too. 

Somewhere along the line I would find a cute girl, or maybe even a guy. Procreate. Eventually tell them that no, the cat ears aren’t just a headband that I love wearing. Buy a house (in this economy?) and try not to think about the sea levels rising and then die comfortably all alone after I’ve pushed all of my loved ones away because I have the emotional depth and maturity of a walnut. 

Wasn’t that the perfect plan? Sounds great to me. 

But that couldn’t be it right? There had to be something more to this and I know what it is but there has to be a way I can face this. I needed to make a list, yeah,  a list of reasons why I can’t be a girl. That’ll show me. That’ll shut up the voice in my head telling me it’s so easy to just be a girl. Like technically that’s all I really need to do. I just need to want to be a girl and then boom, girl power!

And it’s not like being a girl is a bad thing. In fact, from what I’ve seen being a girl seems really fun! For people who want to be a girl at least. But that’s not me, it can’t be. The people who want to be a girl are just overwhelmed with gender dysphoria and they feel like they can’t keep going in their current state. I can keep going! If I never got hit by the truck I’d just keep going forever and ever. You can’t stop me. Or maybe I could woman up, bite the bullet, and just accept it right? Just accept that I’m girl and haahaha what am I even talking about I can’t do this I can’t just change everything about myself. List. Lists bring order out of chaos. Lists can make things come all together. 

Fuck my phone’s in the other room and Kass is probably just going to push me back in here, dangit. Of course the really cute dress I wanted to wear tonight didn’t have any pockets.  Well, I’ll just have to do this the old fashioned way. If I remember correctly I kept some writing materials in my desk at all times. A quick zoom over to my study zone was all I needed to do to try to see if I could find something of use. I had long since tamed my post-finals desk during one of my first cleaning sessions and I hadn’t spent much time in my space since the accident. I mean, why bother coming into my own room when I could spend time with Kass, or cook, or sleep on the couch. It was a premium couch. Very plush with stuffing in all the right spots, if you know what I mean. I guess I’m saying all this to point out, I know exactly where everything is on the desk. All the clutter, notes, overdue library books, sailor moon figurines- I knew where everything should be. And yet, sitting on the desk, was something I very much did not put there. 

It looked initially like a shard of glass, which would be odd because I haven’t broken anything recently. Not directly at least, not in this very room. Not since one of my favorite moomin mugs accidentally got knocked off the table. RIP Moominpapa, you’ll be smoking pipes and picking fights in heaven. Kass hasn’t been in my room either, which means that unless someone broke into our house specifically to drop off a broken piece of glass, then something freaky is going on. 

I refrained from touching the reflective material directly. I’ve seen way too many horror films to just blunder right into that one. Who knows what kind of bad mojo is held in there, not something I want to chance. Putting my kitty instincts to the test I gave the material a tentative sniff. Hmm. Old. Rust and metal and candle smoke. Interesting. Was this something I could always do? Was I going to get enhanced kitty smells and nobody was gonna tell me? Damn I wish being a KT came with a playbook. “So You’ve Become a Cat And Potentially A Girl” and other handy tips. Did you know bras are bad for you boobs: Five things that BIG GIRL doesn’t want you to know!

The glass material looked familiar to me, and I was scratching the back of my mind to figure out just what the hell it was. And then it hit me. Was this a shard of the Victorian mirror from Three Card Monty? If that was the case, hell of a leap in logic but if everything else in my life is going off the rails then why not take a gamble on this too. If that’s the case then what is it doing here unless it, well unless something wants me to see it. It’s just been peacefully resting in my room this entire time, waiting for me, or I guess Kass to stumble on it. 

There was only one way to get answers and I absolutely hated that this thought seemed semi-rational in my head. I needed to replicate the ritual. Why? I don’t know, worst case scenario nothing happens and I just sit here meditating looking at a candle and thinking about if I want to join the softer side of life. But if it does work, and part of me had a gut feeling that it would, maybe it could get me closer to answers? It was worth a gamble, and honestly this seems like kind of the perfect distraction to put off way too much navel gazing. 

Yeah I didn’t have a hand of glory, but maybe, just maybe a regular candle would work? I rushed over to my weed drawer, yeah I have a weed drawer I’m in college what did you expect? Let’s see, there’s an old lighter that I had before I switched to a mostly vape and gummie setup, that’ll do perfectly. I scamper onto the bed and leap over to the other side throwing open drawers until I find the bath and body works “Campfire” candle that had been given to me as a Christmas gift. I hadn’t used it for, well various reasons, but I could stomach the overly sweet marshmallow smell.

Making my way to turn the lights off in the room, I realized that I never had them on in the first place. The room looked perfectly fine to me, and I realized that I was just seeing in the dark. Kind of freaky, but genuinely useful! These cat changes seemed to just keep piling up. 

Taking a deep breath I moved the candle next to the mirror fragment, making sure I could see into it properly once it was lit. This was a long shot, yeah, but at the same time maybe even if the ritual only worked at a percentage of the strength I would at least be able to get a better handle on my situation besides “sinister bunny makes my spine tingle with their melted chocolate voice.” Any knowledge was better than nothing, so I fiddled with the lighter, making sure the flame wouldn’t blow out. For a moment nothing. And then? More nothing. I guess since I didn’t have a magical candle this was kind of a waste of-

“Mm that smells nice,” the same feminine voice from Daphne’s office buzzed in my ear causing me to turn around in a panic. I whip around fast enough to see the bunny floating right behind my left shoulder yet again. It should make me feel a little better that since I’ve grown taller the bun isn’t as big as me and yet I still have the lead fist of dread making itself at home in my stomach. 

The bunny seemed even more surreal in my bedroom, it’s velvety fur made out of pure darkness, fluctuating and pulsing in the lone light of the candle. It didn’t seem like a threat itself, it was just an overly large bunny, but the fact that it was in my room was enough to give me the shivers. The last time a bunny was a threat was in that one movie that people keep quoting, and we were far from Camelot. 

“Well, well, clever kitty. You know those wizards are sooo much about pomp and circumstances and all that nonsense. All you really needed to do was look in any mirror by candlelight, not one for baths are you? No relaxed mood and erotic dreams by candlelight?” I shook my head. “No of course not, doesn’t seem your style. You should check it out though, kitty, it’s fun. I’d love to have one, haven’t had it in ages. Oh but where are my manners? You found me, good job there you, genderless in-between creature you.” Their words slid out of their bunny mouth in a fluid motion, wrapping the room in sound rather than coming right from their mouth. It was like a bad dub job rushed out by a hack studio rather than sticking with subtitles like all good God fearing people. 

“Oh that? Don’t worry about that, pussycat. I’m still aligning to your frequencies or vibe or whatever. Hmmm.” They cracked their neck and coughed, “There, is that better for you?” The words this time seemed to be coming from their mouth like normal. 

“I’ll take the silence as a yes. Oh puss, I’ve been waiting so long for us to have this conversation, you and I. As soon as I saw you and Kass get close I was like ‘well about time someone’s going to ask a question about this bad luck streak,’ but noooo bullheaded Jerrod had to just suffer silently, complaining all the way. Kind of silly, if you ask me. Hmm?” The bunny shook their head and tsk-tsk’d at me, smiling the whole time. Part of me felt like I should be insulted, but that part was a section of my brain that felt like working and my body didn’t particularly feel like listening at the moment. 

“Wh-what are you?” I stammered, trying not to let on that I was absolutely scared senseless.

“Well, when you were a kid you called me Jay, but I guess you’ve snagged that moniker now. Fits you well, but not necessarily perfectly. But that’s okay, I figure by the end of your story you’ll have a new name anyway. How about you just call me bun, hun. For now at least.” They smiled, a toothy grin, sharp and full of expectations. “Now you asked what and not who, which I think is kind of rude of you. I’m a person, just like you. Well not really, I’m better. But I expect you’ll learn that in due time.”

“So you’ve been, what? Cursing me this entire life because I repress my feelings or whatever? This all wraps up in some kind of belabored metaphor?”

“Oh no, that would be just cruel. Think of me like a little co-pilot. A push here, a nudge there. Numbers of people you probably shouldn’t call back mysteriously deleted. Doors locked when you really shouldn’t open them. Doors locked when it wouldn’t be a good idea for dear old ma or pa stumbling in on you. Distractions. Oh and also yes a few pranks here or there. But if you saw how stupid and silly your little face looked when you fell down or when someone spilled something on you. Adorable, you’d get all flustered and you’d hold back your rage and sadness and, oh my gosh you’re doing that face now. Wow, what a doll. Literally, hahaha. And sure maybe these past few years I’ve gone a little hard on the pranks, but anything to get a little good emotion out of you. But boy did I not expect you to go like that. Wow! You should have seen the look on your face when Jerrod took his final tumble. Even I had to grimace, not a pretty sight.” 

I scowled “Did you… push me in front of that truck?” If that was the case what were they here for? To gloat? Well they were already doing that. To hurt me more? I eyed the doorway, it was still closed and I sure didn’t want to get Kass involved in this. Zie might be a wxtch but part of me whispered that I needed to handle this for myself. 

“Oh that?” They lazily began floating circles around me, legs crossed in midair. “Nah, friend, that was just bad luck. Curiosity really killed the cat huh. You should have gotten out of the street when Kass asked you to. Or maybe not! If you didn’t get hit you wouldn’t have these adorable new additions.” I yelped as the bun yanked on my tail. I opened my mouth to bear my fangs and, no, I didn’t have fangs I just had normal teeth. Well, not really as threatening but it had to do. 

I growled at this spirit, or whatever the bunny formerly known as Jay happened to be. Bun was doing lazy backflips in the air, like a child trying to impress their very bored parent in the swimming pool. “Are you here just to make fun of me? Because I was kind of in the middle of something serious and then the mirror shard distracted me, speaking of which, how the actual fuck did it get here? I thought Daphne and Herbert picked up all the pieces to study later.”

“Oh that’s easy. What’s the first trick of stage magic kitten?” The bun settled on my bed, crossing their legs and beaming like a proud teacher. They waited a beat and when they realized I wasn’t going to respond they did little jazz hands with their paws. “Misdirection! Cutie. Misdirection. You get yourself a dame in a bunny suit showing her barely constrained tits to the crowd and nobody realizes you’ve palmed the card. Speaking of, I believe this was your card?” They made a flourish of their paw and another large chunk of mirror floated up from the inky black space. 

“So, you planned this.” I sighed, halfway between fight and flight. “But why? What do you want with me? I’ve kind of had a doozy of a day and I’m not really sure if I can take much gloating or mocking, to tell you the truth.”

“My poor little pussy is really scared huh? Well you are in luck because I, Bun the Bun of the clan of Buns from the Great Bun Moon Empire am here to help you.” They laughed to themselves like they were enjoying a lovely joke that they couldn’t be bothered to let me in on. “Kid, when I first found you you were miserable. A wreck. Your brain was pulled one way but your essence, your very nature, was screaming for peace. It was absolutely delicious, something that us spirits have a hard time staying away from. So I thought, hmm well why not pop down, attach myself for a little while, enjoy the spread. And then wouldn’t you know it I got stuck. To you of all people, give me a break. And you thought your life was bad, jeez kitty think about what it would be like sitting in the passenger seat.” Bun shook their head, but the odd smile stayed on their face.

“So anyway, I’m stuck to you because the dissonance is so great and when you’re super little we talk a little bit. You don’t remember your imaginary friends much but I gave you a few ideas for stories, or drawings, and every once in a while I let you know when the cookies in the pantry weren’t being watched and then you just kept going and growing and oh my god you’re so boring, but hey at least you’re in this perpetual state of burying things so deep that I had a constant feast. You’ve made me quite the fat hare, mon frere.”

“And okay sure I tripped you a bit, I stole things, I switched things around. But it was all a gag. Just for fun and goofs. And it’s not like things were all bad. When you were in really dire straits I helped you find things that you actually lost. And I protected you, well, as much as I could.” Surprisingly, at this the bun shuddered. It was weird to see what appeared to be genuine emotion coming from such a slippery being. “ I may be a bit of a flighty gal, sure, but I’m not a monster. Anyone could have seen a kid who clearly needed help if they knew where to look. Well, I did what I could. It wasn’t great, but it’s a living.”

“Okay, but why right now? Why me. Like I said, I was kind of in the middle of this whole identity crisis thing.” I sighed, pointing to my ears and tail. 

“Well I thought that I’d help you out a lil, y’know. It’s nice talking things over with someone. And you happen to be the most oblivious person on the face of the Earth so it might be fun to just yak about it.” The hare leaned back, lounging on my bed with one leg dangling over the other. Every space that it touched it made itself perfectly at home. Would this leave behind any residue? I made a note to myself to wash my bedsheets as soon as possible if I knew what was good for me. 

Could I trust Bun? Certainly not, but I was here in this situation right now. I wanted to believe that they had my best interests at heart, but at the same time they also revealed that they literally are a being that feeds off my emotions. So y’know, maybe it’s a little hard to trust someone when they see you as their meal ticket. Sighing, I knew what I had to do to get through this. 

“Okay Bun,” I said, trying my hardest to keep my emotions under control, “you want to talk? Let’s talk.”

DerbyGhost

Bun is way too fun of a character to write, I must say.