Omake: Into the Potterverse Part 2

 

 

As the year ended without any special events, I began to think it was all flowery and good when I was summoned to the headmaster’s office. I immediately understood the reason when I found not only Dumbledore but also Fudge, Shacklebolt, and Moody in the room with him.

 

Me: Ahh~ So this is the curse trying to get me fired I assume?

 

Dumbledore: Indeed it is my dear. I’m so sorry I cannot protect you from these gentlemen here. As far as the law goes…I can hire who I want but it is up to the Ministry to deem if the teachers are fit for the position or not.

 

Me: Hmm~ I liked to think that I was a pretty capable teacher.

 

Dumbledore: And you were. One of the best Hogwarts have ever seen for any position really. But it looks like the gentlemen here disagree unfortunately.

 

Me: Well, that’s a shame. Isn’t it?

 

I smirked as I took a seat in the back. Fudge and his two Aurors/bodyguards turned to face me. Before Fudge began to speak I intercepted him.

 

Me: I thought it was the Umbridge women who was in charge of stuff like this. May I ask where she is?

 

Fudge: Um… Madam Umbridge is currently busy with other educational affairs in Urban Magical School of Britain. Now, if you don’t mind, we must get to business.

 

I leaned back on my chair as I have done so many times in my room as I waited for him to continue.

 

Fudge: Kara Vanir Fujitora. I am afraid it has come to the attention of the Ministry that we have no records of you whatsoever. We have even contacted our neighboring governments and even our non-magical counterparts for any information on you; however, it would seem that you are like a Spirit. We have nothing on you and suddenly you are teaching the Defense Against the Dark Arts in the most prominent magical school in the World.

 

Me: I know right! Great career by the way. If you ever retire from being minister I propose that you try taking up teaching. It’s an absolute joy despite the pranksters.

 

Fudge: Please Miss Fujitora! Try to stay curious. As far as we are aware, you are an illegal trespasser in Magical Britain. Not only that but you have no educational proof to support you ability to teach properly in this honored position; one in which are aimed to protect our country from harm by Dark Wizards and Witches!

 

Me: Ahh~ I see…so you are doubting my abilities?

 

The temperature in the room dropped instantly as I realized that they were mocking my ability. My overwhelming strength…

 

How long has it been since I was mocked for weakness? A century? No…probably more. Maybe it was because it has been a while but I was slightly pissed. I was the highest order of godhood to exist and these little insects thinking that they can intimidate me into giving them all the information they need and forcing me to retire. Ridiculous.

 

Me: Since you gentleman have been quite courteous…I will ignore that insult just this once. But should you ever mock my strength again…

 

Above the school, the clouds darkened in conjunction with my mood. I felt Shacklebolt begin to shiver and Moody clench his staff harder. Fudge was barely standing up but since he had his pride as the Minister of Magic, he somehow kept himself from tumbling over.

 

Me: That will be the End of Magical Britain.

 

As I said those words, silence followed for a while before the bright headmaster of Hogwarts spoke up.

 

Dumbledore: I suggest you allow her to do as she would Fudge. She’s the strongest witch I have ever seen… It does hurt my pride to say this but she is far more qualified than even myself to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts.

 

Perhaps it was due to Dumbledore’s reputation and the fanatic belief that the magical community seemed to have on him that he is all powerful but that seemed to convince the gentlemen that the case was closed.

 

Fudge: *cough* *cough* hmmm. Alright then Miss Fujitora. With Dumbledore backing your qualification then we see no reason as to why you are not qualified. We, the Ministry, shall allow you to keep your position. But please be aware that should you conduct any behavior unfitting of a teacher at Hogwarts, you will be forced to retire by the educational branch.

 

Me: Big words for a man so weak. Perhaps I should tell Death to send you to my domain instead. I’m sure you can pay for your words there for eternity.

 

Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled and while I was a little pissed off that he still didn’t fix that habit of his, he did end up helping me keep my position here. I honestly like teaching more than I expected. Maybe I should go to the Imperial Magical Academy sometimes and teach part time or something when I go back.

 

Fudge: Excuse me?

 

Me: You won’t understand even if I explained it with a peashooter brain like yours. But you’ll see the truth one day. If you’re unlucky, it’ll be before you are dead as well. Now shoo shoo.

 

Having enough of their antics for the day, I cast Koto Amatsukami on Fudge and gave him a suggestion to leave. It took immediate effect as he gestured to Shacklebolt and Moody (who was still wary of me) that it was time to leave.

 

As they left the office, Fawkes gave them a little squeak which made Fudge flinch before he went down the spiral staircase.

 

Dumbledore: I felt your magic influence his mind. Was that the Imperius Curse?

 

Me: No. Something much more powerful and useful. While I wouldn’t teach anyone anything about Mangekyo abilities…I’ll say that you’ve earned my trust enough for this.

 

I turned back towards the elderly man. While he kept a calm composure I could tell he was hungering more knowledge. Headmaster of a renowned magical school indeed.

 

Me: The closest thing to it will be ‘Eastern Magic’ and even then it’ll be a bit different. Koto Amatsukami is a charm in which I plant a ‘suggestion’ in someone’s head. The best part is that they believe that they are doing whatever I tell them to under their free will. There is no degradation of the mind nor the ‘free of responsibility’ type feeling that the Imperius gives. To top it all off, the Amatsukami is perfect. Never once has it failed me. If I use it on you right now then, then I can make you do whatever I want and you would have thought that it was your own will.

 

Dumbledore: By Godric’s beard…is there a limit to this? How far you can make people do things?

 

Me: Not that I have seen so far. I can make you slaughter the entire school and you would believe it was the right thing to do. I can make Fudge surrender the entire country to the non-magical and he would believe it was his decision.

 

Dumbledore: Slytherin’s fang! That is…quite unbelievable to say the least. To think that such a magic exists. Is it not part of the Dark Arts in the Eastern realm?

 

Me: It would be if enough people know about it. Thankfully, this magic is something akin to parseltongue. Only a select few through the bloodline can use it.

 

Dumbledore sighed a breath of relief before nodding.

 

Me: By the way. I noticed that the school does not teach nor acknowledge the Eastern magical societies or their ways at all. May I ask why? I assure you that in some ways, the Eastern magical society is more powerful than any other.

 

Dumbledore: And why would that be?

 

Me: The Western magical society have grown together and magic have grown that way as well. Magic has its branches in all areas of life. On the other side of the world before your societies met, magic developed for one purpose only…war.

 

Dumbledore: I believe that is one more reason as to why not to teach such magic at Hogwarts.

 

Me: And potentially weaken the students? At least make it an elective for 5th year students and beyond. Perhaps some aspiring Aurors could do with some extra powerful spells to defend themselves with. Heck, you don’t even need to have an actual specialist for the first year. Just give it a test run or something.

 

Dumbledore: *sigh* Very well I will do so. I guess this means more paperwork for me I guess. I thought I finally didn’t need to go looking around for teachers every year as you have successfully protected your position and yet here I am.

 

Me: I’m sure you’ll do fine. Just get someone knowledgeable in the subject.

 

 

 

 

Perhaps it was the will of the world, or Gaia’s Theory, but it seemed to try and push things to make it was canon as possible. With the addition of the new subject of ‘The Eastern Magical Arts’, somehow Quirrel was employed as the teacher just in time for Harry to start going to Hogwarts.

 

Unfortunately he was still a stuttering fool and a mess at teaching so the elective didn’t receive as much love as it should have had. This was where I stepped in (or mostly my clone) and showed the students the wonders of magic used in wars. It wasn’t exactly what they taught in the Mahoutokoro School of Magic of Magical Japan but rather more Naruto-ish with my own little changes to the spells. Basically, it included burning and blowing away a hell of a lot of stuff. While the subject remained boring with Quirrel just droning on and on about history and his encounter of getting his turban, the magic itself became a favorite of the more challenging students.

 

Having Harry Potter in my class was kind of interesting as he recognized me in an instant and came on his own time to thank me for what I did. I merely winked at him and told him it was fine before telling him to come out during night with his Invisibility Cloak to my office so I can tell him the truth. He seemed a bit surprised that I knew about his cloak but he seemingly dismissed it as magic and agreed.

 

Harry: May I bring my friends along for this?

 

Me: This is about you. Should you trust your friends to know everything about you…then feel free to do so.

 

I didn’t really care since in half a decade it would be all three of them that knows the truth and chases after the fragments of Voldemort. I knew they were kids but often times knowing the darkest secrets would strengthen to bond much much faster.

 

I told Filch beforehand that I was inviting the three of them to my office that night and gave Mrs. Norris a very nice rubbing (which the cat loved) to prevent the worse case scenarios. I found out that Filch was growing nicely with his newfound magic and learning slowly with some of the classes. Good for him. Perhaps it was due to the change in treatment and his sheer joy at truly becoming part of the magical community but he was generally much more happy and open now.

 

Filch: GET OFF THE TABLES!!! Damn those Gryffindors *grumble* *grumble*

 

Ok, maybe it was just for me then.

 

Later that night the trio came into my office. I gestured for them to sit before I began explaining it to them.

 

Me: It isn’t exactly under a fidelius but it is still considered a secret so anything you hear in this room tonight…I expect you to keep it only to yourselves. Am I understood?

 

They nodded

 

Me: And that includes your parents, guardians, and even Dumbledore. He’ll find out soon enough or rather confirm his suspicions but now is not the time.

 

I looked towards Harry and gave him a gentle smile before asking.

 

Me: Harry. I’m sure you’ve heard many versions of the stories of how you vanquished Voldemort…but you’d be surprised to know how few actually know the truth.

 

Ron gasped at the name while Hermione seemed a little shook. Harry simply took in the name while staring at me curiously.

 

Me: To begin with, Voldemort is a pen name of his. His full pen name is Lord Voldemort actually, quite arrogant of him if you ask me. For the sake of looking down on him, I’ll tell you his real name. Tom Marvolo Riddle.

 

While the three seemed to be surprised by that bit of information, I was just getting started.

 

Me: After graduating, Tom became obsessed with the dark arts. Not only because he was a sadist and excessively cruel combined with his arrogance…no. But he saw the fragility of life…human life. A single car crash can kill a man as easily as a spell gone wrong. Isn’t it?

 

Hermione nodded, knowing exactly (probably from her books) of how dangerous such a thing can be. Also from her muggle life involving cars probably.

 

Me: Thus, Tom became obsessed with the idea of Immortality. Living forever…never dying. He spent years studying and casting spells on both himself and on his followers to test his theory of immortality and finally…

 

I looked at Harry who seemed to know something was up.

 

Me: His was put to the test.

 

There was a moment of silence before Harry spoke up.

 

Harry: Do you mean…that Voldemort is still alive?

 

Me: Right now, he’s less than a ghost. He’s weak…terribly weakened and in constant pain. His theory proved too well you see? Anyone in his position would beg for death but he couldn’t die. He can’t die.

 

At this revelation the three of them paled a couple shades…especially Ron.

 

Me: This is fourth year material but I would guess that all of you would have heard of it at least once. The Avada Kedavra. You know what this is?

 

Hermione: It’s the killing curse, isn’t it?

 

Me: Yes. As expected of the Ravenclaw brain of Gryffindor.

 

I gave her a smile in which she blushed under.

 

Me: The Avada Kedavra, simply put, separates the soul from the victim’s body; thus instantly killing them. But what if…what if someone managed to put a part of their soul outside of their body? Keeping it somewhere safe locked up inside an object in the case of something like this happening.

 

Harry: You mean…

 

Me: Exactly. Through your mother’s sacrifice, the spell rebounded on Voldemort. He was hit with his own killing curse. While this should have killed him instantly, he managed to survive due to his special situation.

 

Ron: Umm…professor. Will he…um…will he return?

 

Me: I would think so, yes. With enough time he will manage to regain his strength and body and return. I would expect in about…3 years or so. But let me tell you this right now Harry, you are very well protected. Not only because of Hogwarts’ wards and charms but also through your mother’s sacrifice.

 

The three didn’t look like they understood.

 

Me: Let’s just say that your mother put a long lasting charm on you through her death. It makes your touch a curse to Voldemort. It means that he literally cannot touch you. I would guess that an exception to this would be should he form his new body by including your blood or bones.

 

That made the three of them look disgusted.

 

Me: So the chances of that is pretty low. But as your unofficial guardian I need to keep you safe from even him. So here.

 

I gave him a tiny wooden statue of a fox hung on a necklace.

 

Me: If you put magic through it like you would to a wand, I will immediately know your location and come to help you. Also, it’s charmed to you so nobody else should be able to touch it. Alright, I think that’s it then. Good night children.

 

I decided it was responsible adult behavior to just leave them there so I teleported back into my room. Leaving the three to go back to their dorms by themselves. I’m sure they’ll be fine.

 

 

 

 

 

I sighed as I looked down at the dead body of Quirrel without the turban. It was honestly supposed to go differently than this…

 

Everything was fine that morning. In fact, it was more than great as a miracle happened and I woke up early in time for breakfast; something that is considered unnatural by many in the school.

 

When while I was enjoying a nice bowl of cereal, Quirrel accidentally tripped in front of me and spilled orange milk into my cereal. Turning it into an orangey acidic meal. I was already sour with him so I was very tempted to just smite Voldemort there and now. Fuck the fun of gathering the horcruxes when I can just destroy his core being and send him to death all the same.

 

I decided to let it pass just this once when Quirrel apologized (which took 20 seconds because of his stuttering) and a look from Dumbledore which translated to ‘please don’t blow up the school, it’s part of our history blah blah blah’. So breakfast passed peacefully (relatively) as I only made Quirrel’s food blow up in his face (thrice). The other professors and the students got suspicious of me but I feigned ignorance. I don’t think I got them but there was no evidence against me so who cares.

 

It was during my office hours that I had enough. I was sleeping peacefully hiding away from the Ravenclaws who would most certainly use every minute when Quirrel burst into the room I was hiding in (without noticing me) and began unraveling his turban.

 

Of course I saw Voldemort’s face but just for canon and continuity’s sake I chose to ignore it for him but old Voldy just had to point out that I was in the room and that I saw his face or whatnot. Quirrel then so nicely tried to kill me in my sleep and failed miserably. Seriously, which canon Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher would try and kill someone using their hands? Of course, he tried going for the wand later when he found that it was quite impossible to even touch me. The hexes and jinxes didn’t work (in a harmful way) but the noises were enough to wake me up. And that pissed me off quite a bit. He wasn’t even here to ask me questions on a defense charm or anything as well!

 

So the pissed off me locked the doors and windows and ripped off Quirrel’s head and grabbed Voldemort’s soul.

 

Me: Seriously you idiot. You’re not supposed to disturb people who are sleeping you failure.

 

Voldemort: wwhhhaattt???

 

Me: You failure at becoming immortal. You really thought that splitting your soul would have no consequences? Not only are you dumber and weaker now but when you reform your body, you’re going to look like a snake pedo.

 

Voldemort: ???D&^*(^I!??

 

Me: I’m guessing that translates to ‘What the fuck girl? Do you have any idea who I am?’ The answer is “Yes I do Tom Marvolo Riddle”. If you wake me up one more fucking time I’m sending you off to death horcruxes or not! And yes there is such a spell you fake immortal.

 

With that, I chucked Voldemort’s soul out the window and into the distance. I would guess he’s made it to Russia with the velocity I threw him at. Well, time’s not exactly something he lacks so I didn’t think it’ll be a issue but…

 

I looked at the headless body of Quirrel.

 

Me: Well, it’s not like Nick would like a headless friend…how do I get rid of this?

 

 

 

 

 

Dumbledore: May I ask exactly why you killed our new Eastern Magical Arts teacher?

 

It wasn’t like I hadn’t disposed of the body or anything. After incinerating the body into ashes I sent it through a tiny black hole so that it may never be found again but Dumbledore being Dumbledore knew when Quirrel was missing for two days.

 

Me: So Quirrel was being a big prick the entire day and ruined a perfect morning. You see he spilled orange juice in my food which I consider holy. It was the first breakfast I’ve had in years and he ruined that! Also I was having this wonderful napping period on the West Wing tower’s empty classroom. I was dreaming about this marshmallows producing magical pony with rainbows and everything. There was this really cool kool-aid lake as well that the natives loved to swim in and everything but then Quirrel came into the room and woke me up.

 

Dumbledore’s expression right there would have made the front page of the Quibbler if I had just brought out my camera.

 

Me: There was also Voldemort on the back of his head so I decided to fuck it and kill Quirrel so he couldn’t get the stone.

 

Dumbledore: …

 

Me: What.

 

Dumbledore: I will proceed to ignore the lengthy paragraph worth of description of your breakfast and nap and instead choose to focus on the last sentence.

 

Me: You already knew that though. The Voldemort on his head part.

 

Dumbledore: Yes, as you probably know, it was for the prophe—

 

Me: Blah! Prophecies are crap! Most of them never come to be real anyway. You really are dumb if you believe that the prophecy will come to exactly as it was meant to. Besides, there are beings who are stronger than the fates themselves. You never know when one decides to butt in just to fuck up a storyli— *cough* prophecy.

 

Dumbledore: You seem to know an awful lot about this subject.

 

Me: I do Dumbledore but I have no interest in sharing that said information. It is better for the world to remain unaware of the seers and the blood of divinity works.

 

Dumbledore: I see then. Why then, until the end of the year may I ask that you fill in the role of the Eastern magical Arts Teacher?

 

Me: *sigh* Fine…I’ll send a clone or something to teach them instead.

 

 

 

 

The rest of the year went smoothly but with Gryffindor actually winning the Quiddich Cup (but failed to get the house cup) but hey, take away plot armor and Harry was just a boy. Quirrel’s disappearance was questioned but not missed by the school…especially those who took his class. One time, I slipped down to where the Philosopher’s stone was being kept just to see what it exactly was.

 

It wasn’t as impressive as I thought it would be as it was something along the lines of Midas’s curse but in a controlled manner. Still, I took inspiration from it and took great joy in taking the stone and leaving a replica. A replica that will fail to work only when I command it to stop. I’m sure this’ll have a purpose sometime in the future.

 

I trolled Draco a couple of times since he and his gang didn’t seem to like paying attention to my class but it was all fun and games really.

 

Draco: My father will hear of this!

 

Me: I would love to speak with your father as well. A pure-blood Wizard who has so much faith in something that is neither magically nor scientifically proven. Your father served the Dark Lord in the belief of the purity of the magical blood being superior…all while never knowing that You-Know-Who was a half blood.

 

There were many gasps across the room as I continued to humiliate Malfoy.

 

Me: Also, the attempt to use the Avada Kedavra in public…bad boy Lucius. Would have ended up in a nice cell in Azkaban if he didn’t bribe a couple guards. It’s not your father you are hiding behind Malfoy; it’s your daddy’s gold. But tell him he should know his enemies should he try against me…I have more gold than all the noble houses put together.

 

 

 

 

 

It was during the summer when I decided I had enough of the boredom and teleported to the…what was it? Shake Shack or something. The Weasley family house. I knocked on their door to find Mrs. Weasley answer the door.

 

Molly: Hello dear, how can I help you?

 

Me: Hello Mrs. Weasley, I’m actually Professor Fujitora; the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor of Hogwarts. I’m here to seek a very simple favor from a Light Side family. It has to do with You-Know-Who

 

Mrs. Weasley immediately perked up as she ushered me inside the Burrow. Sitting on the table on the first floor, I sat down as Arther Weasley came into the room.

 

Me: Now, I know it might sound unbelievable but You-Know-Who is not fully dead. In a few years he will inevitably return and by then we are going to need all the allies we can.

 

They nodded.

 

Me: There is a powerful ally locked up in Azkaban. Framed for something he did not do. While not direct, you can help prove his innocence. Your son Ron, he has a pet rat doesn’t he?

 

Both Weasely’s nodded.

 

Me: I regret to inform you that the rat is actually a wizard. More specifically an animagus known as Peter Pettigrew.

 

Arthur: Impossible! That man is dead! Black killed that man that only a finger was left of him!

 

Me: Exactly. Sirius was framed for the murders by Peter Pettigrew…and could you remember the one body part that Ron’s rat is missing?

 

Realization dawned on the two as I waved my hand, forcefully teleporting the evil rat in front of me. Not remembering the correct spell Sirius used to forcefully revert animaguses back to their wizard forms, I just willed the magic to do it for me.

 

The magic took instant effect as the rat grew in size until a very ugly (short and hairy) man was in a crouching position on the table of the Burrow. Wasting no time I whipped out a pair of sea-stone handcuffs and put them on the man. While he was not a Devil Fruit user, the modified Sea Stone cuffs would seal his magic and strength as well.

 

Me: How much for your son’s pet Mrs. Weasley?

 

Molly: I don’t want the rat. Please take him.

 

I threw Peter into my inventory (which shocked the two) before dropping a couple hundred galleons onto the table.

 

Me: Consider this a professional courtesy. Also, Fred and George make the class so much livelier. I believe they are the closest anyone’s ever been to pulling a prank that was successful. They’ll be amazing Aurors or pranksters one day…one of the two.

 

Molly: Aurors I hope.

 

Arthur just chuckled as he put out his hand for a handshake which I shook. From what the books showed, the Weasleys’ were really broke so they would need this extra gold. Hopefully this would put off their stress somewhat regarding their finances for a bit. Besides, I had some plans on making life more fun for me next year while getting the Weasley’s richer as well.

 

Me: Now…off to prove Sirius’ innocence.

 

Molly: Are you going to the ministry dear? Then you should allow Arthur to accompany you. He knows the way there and you probably wouldn’t have to wait as long.

 

Me: Actually, I plan on breaking into Azkaban. I’m not the type to wait patiently and deal with stuck up politicians. I’ll do it myself.

 

With that, I teleported far far away and into the middle of the ocean. Far into the distance I saw what I was looking for. In the middle of a storm, there was something akin to a castle.

 

Me: Azkaban. It looks better than I thought it would be.

 

As I got closer, I got to see the dementors and what they really were. After all, nothing could hide from my eyes. Looking at the dementors, it felt like watching a…clone? A spider? Thousands of dementors were around me flying around but I knew that they were really just one entity.

 

The evil, the sorrow, the despair of humanity all fused into one being. The Dementor. The shades and the tattered cloaks were simply what mortals perceived when in reality it was far far beyond. Like a lovecraftian creature, it seemed the mortals only saw what they wanted to see or what they could understand. The Wizarding world understood the misery and pain as an influence of a dark creature and thus that was what they saw.

 

Dementor: It is an honor to see you my lady.

 

Me: God and Lords of the dark usually don’t fall under my jurisdiction as I like to hang around the light but being part of the Unity means I have to take care of both sides it seems. How are you doing Dementor. I believe that is the name they gave you?

 

Dementor: I have been called many names throughout the eons, but that is what the magical blessed call me in this day.

 

I considered this creature. It wasn’t that powerful compared to the Warlords or the Guardians now that they’ve all broken the game limiter holding back their strength. Still, having the entirety of the Dementor was an absolute plus. With him the Empire could demoralize enemies before the fight even begins. He was a tempting prize to bring back.

 

Me: I have a role for you in my realm. I would like you to join me. Do you accept?

 

Dementor: Does my lady not have legions of Darkness beyond this one’s power?

 

Me: I do, and that’s the problem. I can’t use them to play my little Sims Empire.

 

Dementor: Then this one will gladly accept.

 

With that, the image of the dementors shifted as they merged. Thousands of them merging into one bigger dementor…before it changed into a cape. I could sense the dementor still outside the realm of observation for mortals but it had tied a significant amount of power of itself into the no-longer-tattered cape.

 

As the black cape came towards me, I bleached it white through my will before wrapping it around myself. Like the cloak of levitation from Dr. Strange, it stuck to me on it’s own. Always nice to have a self-operating system :)

 

Me: Now, to break out a naughty Godfather.

 

As I landed on the walkway of the gothic castle (Azkaban), the Aurors stationed began to run away from me on sight as if they saw their worst nightmare…probably true as well.

 

Auror: Ridikulos!

 

Me: Shut it fool. I’m not a boggart.

 

I sent the spell straight back at the fool who was hit in the chest before tumbling down a flight of stairs and out of my sight.

 

Me: [Greater Observation: Search Life-form] Sirius Black

 

In return, I got a cell number and a general pull towards his location. After busting through a couple doors (and walls), destroying some of strongest wards by calmly walking through them and saying hi to a couple Aurors (who screamed), I arrived in front of Black’s cell.

 

Me: Why so Sirius?

 

Sirius: … That’s quite lame.

 

Me: The fact that you need someone to bust you out is quite lame.

 

Sirius: Haven’t you seen the security? It’s impossible to bust out of here.

 

Me: I call bullshit. Anyway, it’s time to get you out and prove your innocence. I already got the rat so we can go straight to the Ministry.

 

Sirius: !!! You got the traitor?!

 

Me: I’m talking about a very old rat that happens to be missing a paw, belonged to the Weasleys, and is currently locked up in my possession ready to drink a few potions to spit out the truth.

 

Sirius: Wait…then you could’ve just told the Ministry that I was innocent after handing him in. Why did you cause all the ruckus to get in here? I’ve never seen the Aurors like that before.

 

Me: It’s more fun this way, is it not?

 

I grabbed the cell bars with each of my hands and ripped them apart, leaving the space wide enough for an adult man to walk through.

 

Me: You know your Godson’s still out there. He’s spent eleven years under an abusive family while you were in here not even attempting to break out and prove your innocence. It’s time to change up a few things Mr. Fluffy Brain.

 

I reached out my hand for him to take. After a moment of hesitation, he took it and we apparated out of the mess.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bones: So you mean to tell me you not only got this real villain.

 

Madam Bones pointed at the cuffed Pettigrew sniffling quietly in the back.

 

Bones: And you could have just brought him to me but instead you broke into Azkaban…shooed away the dementors forever, broke out our max security prisoner, escaped from Azkaban, and instead of getting a reservation you broke in forcefully into the Ministry too.

 

Me: That sounds about right.

 

I looked behind me to see the trail of unconscious Aurors who had tried to stop me from entering this part of the Ministry. It was just about to get fun with Moody but then Bones had to arrive just then and there and Sirius put a stop on me.

 

Me: Would have been fine if you arrived a bit late. I wouldn’t have minded the spar with Moody. Besides, your Aurors are fine! I made sure not to kill anybody

 

Bones: FINE??! You sent half our team to St Mungo’s Hospital for magical Injuries for treatment! You should be glad we’re not arresting you!

 

Me: It’s actually pronounced you can’t arrest me. If you try I’ll start flying the curses that’ll kill instead of knock out.

 

Bones: Fine *huff* At least you’re not another You-Know-Who…though I’m not sure if you’re any mentally stabler than he is.

 

Me: Let’s get this over with then. You’re going to owe this man a lot of time, gold, and respect when this mini-trial is done.

 

 

 

 

I thought Bones was just going to call it done after Sirius and Peter drank the truth serum potion (which Bones didn’t like the name of) and say their parts of the incidents but apparently fucking politics got in the way and it took a lot longer. The Newspapers were hungry for any bit of information on Azkaban, Sirius, and Pettigrew while I was just bored and fixated on teleporting any reporter that came near me in a 10 foot radius into a random place in the world. All reporters should know apparition so they should be fine.

 

It took a week for the news to be released into the public. Someone higher up from the Ministry had a hand in it no doubt. While most articles about me painted me as a form of vigilante or hidden hero that saved Sirius, a few others just outright tried to paint me as the bad guy for breaking into Azkaban and the Ministry. Jesus, what a bunch of pussies. If they don’t have the ability to stop me then they should be focusing on improving rather than trying to come up with excuses.

 

Anyway, I got pretty famous after that stunt, the fact that my information was public as a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts helped as well. Which led me to wonder how Dumbledore even managed to get Lupin to teach for a year?

 

 

 

The rest of the Summer was quite boring as I went up and down the wizarding world and visiting different communities. I used my time to catch up on some Earth culture that I had forgotten as well as troll around in the American involvement in the middle east. I decided to build my own place next to the Grimmauld place before casting the charms and wards which made the lock on Black’s place look like a toy. I decided I didn’t want much trouble of a specific house elf causing extra trouble so I went to my house elf supplier who had no idea I was coming at all.

 

*knock* *knock*

 

Opening the door of Malfoy Manor was Mr. White Haired Emo himself. The moment he saw me he sneered before opening it the whole way.

 

Lucius: Ms. Fujitora…to what pleasure could I help you? And may I ask how you are here? I’m sure the wards security passes do not include yourself.

 

Me: Good afternoon Mr. Malfoy, though I must say…you are healthier than I expected. I had expected the generations of inbreeding between the pure-blooded would have caused some sort of genetic disorder but you seem surprisingly fine. Did you perhaps buy your genes with that wealth of yours as well?

 

Lucius’ eyes narrowed as he looked down on me in disgust. He must be thinking of a plan to try and remove me from first his manor and then the wizarding world. A shame since I know him too well for anything of that sort to work.

 

Lucius: As you can see Ms. Fujitora, I am perfectly fine in both mind and body though I would be better if you would be as so kind to leave. So please tell me why are you here? Surely you did not come all this way just to antagonize me.

 

Me: I came here to buy a house-elf.

 

Lucius: May I give a map to Knockturn alley? Surely there is someone else other than myself that has a spare elf. More so, I do not deal with that business.

 

Me: You misunderstand Lucius…I came to buy Dobby and I will have it no other way.

 

Lucius: And what makes you think I will sell him to you?

 

Me: Because this

 

I took out a scroll of paper in which listed all the crimes of the Malfoy family that they had tried to hide over the years. Inside was his evidence of his family bribing politicians, hexing minister candidates, killing important figures, proof that Lucius was never under the imperius under Voldemort’s influence, and much much more.

 

Lucius’ eyes widened as he read each line detailing exactly how the Malfoys had committed the act. He must have thought that he covered his tracks up completely…well he did for a mortal but I had magic itself as a witness.

 

Me: I’ll take you to trial and make your victims fight over court after court. You might win a couple actually with all that wealth you have…but you’ll get the message. By the time your family is done with trial, your son would be the same age as Dumbledore.

 

Lucius’ shade paled as he realized I was telling the truth. None of his deeds mattered to me and I didn’t care if he won or not, but Would be taking his time and resources either way along with the Malfoy’s reputations.

 

Me: Sell me Dobby and I’ll keep this information to myself.

 

Lucius: Keep it under a fidelius…swear on the vows that you will never tell this to anyone.

 

Me: Ridiculous. All of this information a secret for a single house-elf Lucius? I can have your family into the ground should I wish to. All the money your family has can be seized by Gringotts in an instant if I give them this. I think not. Instead, you’ll just have to be on my good side and hope I never let this slip.

 

I smiled a sweet smile at him before he ushered me into the house to fill in the contract. A half an hour later I left the house with a ver eccentric and loud House elf by my side…as well as a single stolen diary. This was going to be so much more interesting.

 

 

 

 

 

As someone who had consumed the Doku-Doku No-mi (The Poison Poison Fruit), the creation of poison came naturally for me. Even without it, I would have been able to create it just like how I can manipulate mana itself to create or do my bidding but things regarding poison was like second nature.

 

I created a pitch black poison which had the same level of toxicity as watered-down Basilisk Poison. Basically, this was a soul crushing and body melting acid type poison. If the old warden of Impel Down was here, I would have bet that he would have been drooling and begging me to teach me who to create it.

 

Pouring the liquid into my pen (which I strengthened), I began to write on a piece of paper only to see the paper burn through. Within moments, the entire paper was nothing but a small pile of ashes…barely.

 

Satisfied with my results, I brought out Tom Riddle’s diary before I opened it up to a page and began writing.

 

Today I got a new diary I stole from a pure-blooded family. Guess what? It’s time one actually!

Man, I sure hate pure-bloods and all of those bastards who think that their blood is superior to others. I wonder how thick headed and dumb they have to be to believe that blood determines the level of superiority or magical prowess?

 

Just want to bring it up but I honestly think that Voldemort is an exaggerated and overhyped villain. So many Dark Lords to have existed and seriously, what the fuck?

 

In the infinite Universes so many Dark Lords have proven themselves throughout history but why does Voldemort also win that name?

 

Sauron the Dark Lord in the Lord of the Rings trilogy almost conquered the entire Middle Earth not once…but twice!! Darth Vader of Star Wars ruled the Galaxy with an iron fist along with his Sith Master Palpatine. Heck, there’s even Momonga’s counterpart in canon who’s currently in the process of conquering the world under the disguise of goodness!

 

And then there’s Voldemort. What type of Dark Lord fails to conquer a Highschool? Jesus Christ, such a lame villain. Dark Lord my ass you soul breaking piece of shit.

 

The pages began to burn as the ink dug and burned through the pages. As a god who looked out for the Soul cleansing and reincarnation process in the multiverse, I could literally hear Tom’s soul scream in pain as the poison continued to burn him. Before he burned out, I put him in my inventory. Everything had a time and place after all, and this was not the time to crush a soul yet.

 

 

 

Soon enough I was back at Hogwarts to see Dumbledore, my fellow professors, and the new Eastern Magical Arts Professor. To no one’s surprise, it was Gilderoy Lockhart. As soon as I saw the man I hated him. The worst kind of fraud, the one that actually believes he is worthy was exactly the man Lockhart was.

 

Just to test the man on his basic knowledge to see if he learned anything from copying books I asked him the most basic of questions among the Eastern Arts. He managed to skillfully evade my questions until I was tired of it that I just cast a charm to make him lactose intolerant (for life) before leaving him be. Of course, I invited him to join the Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons for sparring and duels before leaving.

 

As school started, I invited the Weasley twins into my office after the first week of class. As they entered the room, they were discussing whether they were caught in a prank or something. Well, they were actually but I let them go because that was exactly what I needed.

 

Me: Hello Fred & George. You don’t mind if I continue calling you all by your first names right?

 

Fred: No problem Professor

 

George: No problem at all.

 

Me: Good. Now sit down because I called you here to conduct business…as well as a personal entertainment if you will.

 

I smiled a dark smile. Perhaps my darker inner feelings leaked through a bit through the mana in the air as I saw Fred and George shudder a bit but I ignored that and went right into business.

 

Me: From what I’ve heard, you two want to set up a Joke Shop after you graduate from Hogwarts, correct?

 

George: If we graduate professor.

 

Fred: We’re not sure if we’ll even pass potions enough to get the credits.

 

Me: As long as you’re not getting Trolls then I truly doubt that.

 

Fred glanced at George before clamping down on a snicker in which George retaliated by slapping his brother over his head.

 

Me: On second thought. If you truly need potions help enough to get you at least to an Acceptable, you are free to come ask me…if you can find me with that map of yours of course.

 

At my words, the twins eyes widened. I decided to give them an additional push with the words.

 

Me: Because I solemnly swear that I am up to no good *smirk* because where’s the fun in that? Am I right boys?

 

At my words, the twins broke out into a wide grin as they began to realize why I had brought them here today. It definitely wasn’t to get them in trouble.

 

Fred: I knew it! I always wondered why I could never see Professor Kara on the map.

 

George: Well, we saw several cases of some people just disappearing though so maybe that’s not impossible to do.

 

Me: Anyway gentleman. I came here because I hate Lockhart…I believe you know what I mean? Surely you must need some funds when you are off to make that joke shop of yours.

 

The twins jumped right on board.

 

Fred: How much professor?

 

George: Any guidelines professor?

 

Me: First, you must prank him and never be caught that it was you; however, you must bring proof that it was you two that pulled the prank on him to me personally or through mail.

 

The twins grinned at my words.

 

Me: 5 Galleons for a prank in the hallway. 10 Galleons in class. 20 galleons extra if the prank is something that will last longer than a week. 50 galleons if it’s done in front of the entire school. Finally, if you make him cry or confess something embarrassing in public…100 galleons.

 

Due to the perk of having pretty much infinite money, this didn’t hurt me in any way. But it sure was fun watching the twins spin their brains harder than they’ve ever done before.

 

Me: I would say it’s a great opportunity to test some prototypes. Surely he’ll be fine; after all he’s a living legend, am I right? *wink*. Well then gentlemen, good hunting.

 

With that, I dismissed the twins and began preparing my lessons for tomorrow. Life at Hogwarts was about to be so much better.

 

 

 

I didn’t think this would have happened but I really did enjoy teaching. I took it up as a way to pass time but I didn’t think I would have an aptitude or a calling for the position. When I taught Morius back in my world, I took him in as an apprentice and half-servant. I trained him but most of the time I simply gave him a duty and gave him pointers to improve himself with.

 

I taught him the basics but it was always up to him to whether or not learn properly from it and improve. I knew that teaching multiple classes would be very different, whether I would like it or not was a complete mystery for me. Thankfully, I found a bit of my passion here though waking up was always a pain like normal. Proof that I am still who I was in any version or world reincarnation of me.

 

I loved teaching the 6th and 7th years. I only allowed those that have gotten an Exceed Expectations or Outstanding to take my courses as to weed out those who didn’t have the proper passion nor talent for my classes. After all, I didn’t want to spend my hours teaching kids who wouldn’t even care, remember, or use what I teach them.

 

The 7th years were exciting as always. Many of them aspiring to work for the ministry in the future, some of them Aurors, they took my class with more excitement than any other.

 

Me: Good afternoon class! What a wonderful time of the day for a good nap.

 

The class chuckled, knowing well my antics and love for sleep. My animagus(?) form of a white fox was often seen all over Hogwarts sleeping in the randomest of locations. Ranging from in the middle of a hallway to someone’s pillow I had managed to steal from the dormitories. Minerva tried to tell me not to do that but when I summoned a full adult dragon in the middle of great hall to just climb on top and begin taking a nap (in my fox form), she gave up and never called me out on my sleeping again.

 

Me: Many of you were probably excited for this class. After all, today we will be reviewing the Shield Charm. I believe I taught all of you how to cast it last year?

 

I was met with confirming nods.

 

Me: Good! You all have 10 minutes to remind yourselves on how to cast the charm. Yes Mr. Seawack, I am telling you that you have 10 whole minutes to go through page 210 of your textbooks to remember the wand movement. Thought I must add how would you forget that the wand movement for the charm is literally drawing a line down…I will never know.

 

This time, the class burst into laughter as I made direct remark at Seawack, a Hufflepuff. He retaliated by shooting a hex at me in which I chose to invoke the shield charm for the class.

 

Me: Many versions of this charm class. Last year you have all learned the basic form. “Protego”. As you can see, it will block you from hexes and jinxes. Now practice for a bit while I think of a hex to try against you all. Partner up and test your shields.

 

The next 10 minutes was flying was curses and hexes while the other tried to defend themselves against their friends. Most were successful in their attempts but a few students by the end of the 10 minutes had unnaturally long tongues or noses.

 

Me: I see a few of you will be great kissers. For you, Mr. Warnke, I fear that your nose will drink your water before your mouth does. A great fact is that that nose and mouth are connected. Perhaps you should try and learn how to drink and eat through your nose.

 

Ignoring the class that was roaring in laughter at my burn, I turned to the whiteboard and continued to teach.

 

Me: While the Protego charm works against most hexes and charms, it is not invincible. Especially not against Dark Wizards who know their arts. After all, they would have had multiple encounters with Aurors who know exactly how to use this charm. Now, can anyone name what is this charm weak against?

 

A Ravenclaw perked up and answered.

 

Eaeele: Physical objects professor. The shield only protects against energy and not matter.

 

Me: Great job! 10 points to Ravenclaw. As Ms. Eaeele stated, the Protego charm will only protect against magic in energy form…or rather spells with no mass. In other words, an elemental conjuring spell except fire will go right through your shield. What else?

 

Huffbus: Umm…the Unforgivable curses I think? right…? Professor?

 

Me: 5 Points to Hufflepuff since you got the answer right but didn’t come with an explanation, but good job Mr. Huffbus. The unforgivable curses are so strong and imbued with intent that it will pierce through or ignore your shield. Along with this, a powerful diffindo or cutting spells may cut or break your charm with ease. So, this is why there are other shield charms that have been modified to protect against these things.

 

I wrote the following words on the board.

 

Protego Duo

Protego Horribillis

Protego Maxima

Protego Totalum

 

I thought about the list for a minute before reaching a decision. Picking up a thick red marker I wrote the last spell as well. I won’t explain it to the class any more than it was a terrible but powerful Dark Arts…

 

Protego Diabolica

 

 

 

 

Lunch and Dinner became a treat for everyone as everyday there was always something to enjoy. 90% of the time, the thing to enjoy was laughing at Lockhart. Sometimes, he walked into Dinner wearing nothing but his underwear (which was pink) with the words “Spank Me” on the butt. It was a cruel sight to see but honestly beautiful to see Lockhart break his character and be mortified.

 

Another time the twins had managed to cut out the bottom portion of his robes so that Lockhart’s morning choice was revealed to the entire school. His hair was turned pink, his wand was replaced with a joke wand (a perfect replica), his breakfast spiked with extra distilled fire whiskey and more.

 

Day after day Lockhart’s life was ruined for the school’s enjoyment and even Dumbledore turned a blind eye to it; after all, he hired Lockhart to prove he is a fraud. The excuse Dumbledore used to calm down Lockhart would always remain in my mind.

 

One day Lockhart entered the headmaster’s office wearing something that could only be explained as a very tight (and revealing) prom dress. Jesus Christ my eyes hurt.

 

Lockhart: Professor! There are pranksters everywhere! I declare that we, the great professors, must team up to catch them and dish them a punishment they will never forget! An expulsion!!

 

Dumbledore looked up from his book before his eyes twinkled as he read Lockhart’s mind. Chuckling a bit and putting a bookmark on the page he was on, he put down his book and looked up properly to face Lockhart.

 

Dumbledore: I hear that you have vanquished a Dragon before, no?

 

Lockhart: Hmm..? Oh yes! When I was in Jordan I was faced with the terrible South—

 

Dumbledore: yes yes, great exploits Lockhart. I also heard that you managed to find and capture the fairies of the North?

 

Lockhart: Indeed I did! Tough fellows indeed.

 

Dumbledore: Then surely you can catch a couple of pranksters by yourself and scare them with your might so that they will never cause trouble again. No?

 

With that, Dumbledore shut Lockhart up and returned to his book. Not sparing the stunned Eastern Magical Arts professor another glance. Then he turned to look at me.

 

Me: what you looking at me for noob? I’m not the one that catches fairies in the North? Go get them yourself. And please change out of that dress. Looking at you in it physically hurts my eyes.

 

*click* *snap* *snap*

 

Lockhart: …what did you do?

 

Me: Nothing. It’s just that pictures of celebrities in clothing like that usually gets around 50 Galleons or more per picture.

 

Lockhart: Hey, wait a mome—

 

I didn’t wait for a single more second as I Apparated out of the mess to the Diagon Alley to sell a couple (hundreds) of photos to the Daily Prophet.

 

The entire Wizarding community would know Lockhart’s underwear size by tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

I ended up opening the chamber of secrets myself. Not so a mind-controlled-Weasley girl can do stuff around the school nor to let loose a giant basilisk in the school to terrorize students but rather for my own curiosity of what was really down there.

 

After forcefully opening the chamber through a means called “Physically ripping apart a bathroom and listening to a ghost scream” I cast a repairo on the parts not involved with the entrance. I could have just hissed the chamber open but where’s the fun in that?

 

Dropping down and walking past the dead animals and skin peels, I managed to find my way into the chamber.

 

Surprisingly, the place was much different than how the movie or book had portrayed it; but honestly I found this version to be much more logical and more fitting to my tastes as well.

 

While it was indeed large and snake themed, it was not at all a dungeon like arena with nothing. Instead, it was like a lounge and library with a lot more open space than normal. Books were packed high up to the ceiling and the tables and chairs certainly showed that the chamber had once been in use by more than one person.

 

There was actually another room in the corner of the room which revealed to be a sort of suite with multiple furnished bedrooms, a still functioning toilet, and other parts that a place to stay would require.

 

Looking around the place I found many things the piped my interest but perhaps the best would have to be Salazar Slytherin’s portrait. Judging that it was an actual magical portrait, I had the chance to a part of his very soul.

 

Me: Slytherin. Am I right?

 

Slytherin: Ahh~ It’s been so long since I had a visitor I’ve been so lonely! There’s no one else here and all the others are so far away I can’t even talk with them!

 

Me: Well, I’m here now. Perhaps I can bring you up in a while but now I would like to talk with you.

 

Slytherin: Well then dear, ask away!

 

Me: Your descendent, he must have opened this chamber and have talked to you like I am now.

 

Slytherin’s face wrinkled in disgust as I mentioned Voldemort (or maybe it was Tom Riddle) back then. Perhaps unlike how many thought, Slytherin wasn’t a supporter.

 

Me: I’m guessing you don’t like him?

 

Slytherin: DON’T LIKE HIM? He’s an absolute psycho! He’s using my house name for all the horrible deeds that he’s been doing! Please tell me he’s dead! I’ve been here for so long…who knows if Slytherin house is even remotely respected anymore.

 

Me: I actually wanted to ask about your opinions on the house system. Obviously I know the true nature of the sorting hat. It looks into one’s personality of cunning, curiosity, loyalty, and bravery. But why is it that your descendants …the pure blooded at least are sorted into Slytherin?

 

Slytherin: bah! Who knows. Probably culture due to how the pure blooded families are raised. I won’t say anything about our superiority in blood or anything. That’s a talk for another time.

 

Me: That’s a talk for now. Do you honestly believe that magical blood is superior to that of the muggle-born or even half blood? I know that you have done quite some things to muggles in the past so don’t think of denying it.

 

Slytherin: … I can understand where your opinion is coming from. Each of us founders had a different role in the world. Godric was always the hero; the knight in shining armor. Thick-headed, yes, but also the most reliable out of anyone…including myself. I had a very different role in the world. I never stood in the front and not once am I proud of the actions I took in the shadows.

 

Me: What did you do, and why?

 

Slytherin: The secrecy of our magical community…while not in action by then was already well underway by each and every witch and wizard on their own. Even if it was a thousand years ago, should we have opened our community to everyone…there would be history books that have evidence of our existence. Thankfully that did not happen…except very big risks from the muggleborns.

 

Me: Were they a liability to your secrecy?

 

Slytherin: I wish that was it, but no…they were more. I understood their actions in which they came into a whole new world or dimension. We expected them to integrate into our society and become one of us. But instead, they chose to remain who they are and tried many times to bring the muggle world into ours. They don’t understand from the perspective of the entire Wizarding community. They can only think to share this world, that I not theirs, to all others outside.

 

Me: Not anymore

 

Slytherin: Not in that way I’m sure. But it does not change the fact that the muggle-born are the reason why our society isn’t developing as fast. Their council in the wizarding world looks out for the wellbeing of their counterparts when it is not needed. For them, we do not exist…so why do we need to care for them continuously over and over? They rely on us, they learn from us, and we try to make them into one of us and yet once that happens they turn their backs and try to separate from us.

 

Me: A common stereotype about the muggle born…but I won’t argue with you. Often times stereotypes are born from the actions of many. But tell me, you haven’t answered my question of blood superiority.

 

Slytherin: Bullshit! I don’t know how my descendants or the others have come to hav that notion about me but I don’t believe in the magical blood superiority of the pure blooded. All magical blood is precious, no matter who it came from. Perhaps that is why to even this day I remember each and every one of my victims…muggle born or not.

 

Me: I see…I’m glad the founder wasn’t as stupid as their heir. Otherwise I would have called back your soul and tortured you for being so stupid. Anyway, tell me about this chamber then and your pet as well.

 

Slytherin: Oh this? Well…I don’t know when it began to be called the Chamber of Secrets but it used to be called ‘Slytherin’s Private Dungeon’ and Godric called it ‘Slytherin’s Sexy Place’ as a way to make fun of me and all… I mean…ok fine. Ravenclaw and I did it here once ok? Only once!

 

Me: Excluding those details please.

 

Slytherin: I mean, I don’t understand what’s so special about this place. I built it as a private get-away place when Godric and Hufflepuff was shouting nonsense about chivalry, patriotism and blind loyalty. I also built it into the old pipe systems around the place so I can just pop up anywhere in the school.

 

Me: Which would have also gotten a few people dead is your pet basilisk decided to go with you.

 

Slytherin: Brownie’s not dangerous at all! He’s an absolute sweetheart. He’s the last layer of defense in Hogwarts…or at least that was my order until I died and that bastard who is my heir ordered him to do something else.

 

Me: He’s here right now, right?

 

Slytherin: Well…yeah. I talk to him sometimes because I get bored. After a thousand years he got to have hyper-intelligence for a snake.

 

Me: Can’t you just name me heir and be done with it then? I can just take both of you up. A thousand year old Basilisks can turn their sizes into small right? If they stay in their small form then the eyes won’t work as well…from what I know.

 

Slytherin: You seem to be very informed about this subject. Very well. I will allow you. As my previous heir and bloodline is dead…I, Salazar Slytherin, name you…what’s your name?

 

Me: Kara Vanir Fujitora

 

Slytherin: I name you, Kara Vanir Fujitora, the heir of Slytherin and head of house!

 

Me: Please don’t make me the head of house.

 

Slytherin: By Merlin’s underpants girl! I’m doing something official can’t you see? Fine! Heir only!

 

 

 

After a while I was climbing back up the chamber with a specific angry (but excited) portrait in one hand while a very small and cute snake was curled around my shoulder on my left.

 

Me: The Monster of Slytherin huh… seems too small and cute to be called that.

 

Brownie: Lady Slytherin, do they still havsss Brownies up there? It has been centuries since I last had them.

 

Me: Am I allowed to feed chocolate to your snake? I thought they were poisonous to reptiles or something.

 

Slytherin: I dunno. He seemed fine and ate it by the buckets anyway.

 

Me: Your snake reminds me of Lactose Intolerant People. Those fools who willingly drink their poison.