These are personal entries from my private diary, which show the moment my life started drastically changing for the better. If you’re living in Ottawa or planning on living there, you may find these entries insightful.

For a few months, now, I’ve been feeling a bit weird about traveling.

Now, this might be a very strange statement, considering my job. I am a travel blogger, you see. I roam the world, in search of new places to discover, new cultures to learn, and I share it with the world, on the internet. I take pictures, even videos now, and retell my stories to those who want to hear it. Or, rather, read it, in most cases. When I was a kid, I was lucky enough to have relatively wealthy parents, and they made sure to show me the world every occasion they had, and I guess that is something that stuck with me ever since.

I started my little blog pretty much at the same time as when I started college. I’d just turned eighteen, and while I couldn’t really afford to travel on my own, I already had plenty of memories to fuel my creativity and captivate my audience. It had started slowly, at first, with only a couple of people following my blog, but had then very quickly evolved. In a matter of months, I had suddenly gained hundreds, thousands, and then tens of thousands of followers, who would avidly wait for my next post.

With all that notoriety came something else, much to my surprise, and that was money. I won’t bore you with the intricacies of blogs generate revenue, but I was rapidly able to put a significant amount of money aside, and even finance my own trips! Of course, I still had college to worry about, so I couldn’t just go on a trip anytime I wanted, but I made do with what free time I had.

Honestly, I think what attracted people at first were my writing skills. I am very lucky in that I can make pretty much any story interesting, if given the opportunity, which is why I had decided to study journalism. I’d have preferred creative writing, but that didn’t pay the bills nearly as well. As such, writing that blog had originally been a pretext for me to let my creativity flow a little bit, and also to distract myself whenever I was bored.

Then, a few years into my bachelor’s degree, I’d realized that I didn’t need the degree anymore. My blog was big enough that I could comfortably keep working on it, and if people ever were to get bored, it would still make an excellent resume and probably land me a comfortable job.

And so I’d dropped out of college, departing the next week for a long trip around the world, eager to finally be free to go as I pleased. The months that followed honestly are some of the best memories I have of my time abroad, but like every good thing, they eventually come to an end.

Despite the way people romanticize my job, traveling can be exhausting, and I started getting homesick after a while. I wanted to go back home and take a break, just stay sedentary for a while, and so that’s what I did. I came back home, to Canada, and decided to rent a small but cozy apartment in Ottawa. I’d never lived there before, but I figured it would be as good a place as any to settle down for a few months.

And boy was I correct. So correct, in fact, that I’m almost afraid to leave, now, nearly 6 months later. There’s something in this city that makes me wish to never leave again, but I can’t quite put my finger on what that thing is. I’m going to stay just a little bit longer. I didn’t think I would stay put for so long, but I’ve still got a decent amount of material for my blog, and I know my wanderlust will come back eventually.

***

So, today was pretty interesting.

I found myself in a bit of an introspective mood last night after having typed my last entry, and that lasted for the rest of the evening. It even kept me from sleeping for a while, and so when I woke up this morning, I decided that I should probably do something about all these thoughts. I knew exactly what I had to do.

I sent a quick text on a group chat and was off to one of my favorite places in Ottawa, a comfy little coffee shop a few minutes away from my apartment. I’d first found this place a few days after moving in, as I was busy exploring the neighborhood and getting to know my new home.

It wasn’t very big, a small shop nestled between two bigger buildings, but it was exceedingly cozy. I can still remember the first time I set foot inside. A little old lady had greeted me with a warm smile, and I’d made my way and sat down at an unoccupied booth in a corner of the room, the warm atmosphere and delicious smell of coffee already chasing away any traces of tension left in my body.

The place was simply called “Julia’s” and from what I learned as I came back again and again in the following months, mostly lived off of its regulars, which I got to know as time went by. A lot of them were students coming from a nearby university, who liked to come here to study in their spare time or to meet up with friends.

As I came by again and again I got to know a few people this way. Most of them were friendly acquaintances, but two people had really stood out, and had become very good friends in the short amount of time I’d known them.

Caden and Zoe had already been friends before I’d moved in Ottawa, but they readily accepted me and integrated me into their small friend group. The two of them were studying history and literature respectively, which meant that we’d quickly hit it off.

We then started spending more and more time together, eventually leaving the setting of the small coffee shop to go and visit each other’s places. Of course, with them being students, we usually went to my apartment and stayed there, talking and playing board games, watching movies, in short doing whatever we felt like at the time. Life had been pretty good these past 6 months.

Because Caden and Zoe had been such a big part of my life in recent times, they were also probably the best people to confide in. They may not be able to help, if I even needed help, which I wasn’t sure of, but they would definitely lend a sympathetic ear to my thoughts.

Pushing the coffee shop’s door open, I made my way inside. There weren’t many people in at these hours, as it was Saturday morning, but I still recognized a few familiar faces. After quickly saying hi to a few people and nodding hello to Julia, I went and sat down in my usual spot, waiting for my two friends to arrive.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long, as barely 5 minutes later I could see them entering the coffee shop. I waved my hand to catch their attention, even though it wasn’t necessary as I almost always picked the same spot, and they made their way towards me.

“Hey there, Thomas,” Zoe said, her and Caden taking their jackets off and sitting down across from me. “How are things?”

“Pretty good, what about you two? Still studying hard?” I replied, shooting them a small smile.

“Sure are!” Zoe replied energetically, as was usual for her. Caden, for his part, gave me a thumbs up and a wink.

Seeing their responses made my small smile get a tiny bit larger. What I really enjoyed about these two was their unusual approach to life. Even though they were drastically different people, they both had very original personalities and often could offer some very deep and unique advice, or see things from angles I’d never considered. You never spent a dull moment with them.

“So,” Caden started, “we don’t usually hangout on Saturday morning, though I don’t mind at all, so Zoe and I were wondering if you had a specific reason to want to hang out?”

I sighed at that. Just like I’d said, they were very perceptive. “Yeah, actually, I’ve had something on my mind for a little while now, nothing serious, but it keeps nagging at me.”

Collecting my thoughts, I decided to be as straightforward as possible. Both Caden and Zoe were looking at me intently, and I could see traces of worry in Zoe’s gaze, even though she was doing her best to hide it. “I think I’m almost scared of leaving this place. I love travelling, and yet I get this weird feeling whenever I think about planning a new trip. I don’t know, it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid,” Zoe said, frowning. “It’s obviously bothering you, so don’t say that.”

“She’s right,” Caden said. “Can you be a bit more specific? What do you feel when you think about leaving?”

“I’m not sure? It’s like, I’ve gotten really happy living here, you know? Even though I know I wouldn’t have to leave for that long, it’s almost like I dread it, but I can’t figure out exactly why.” I sighed for what felt like the hundredth time today.

“Ottawa really does grow on people, huh?” Caden remarked with a wry smile, sharing a conspicuous smile with Zoe.

“Yeah, it really does,” she said, agreeing.

I hadn’t missed the look they’d shared, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to pry. Still, I couldn’t hide my own puzzled look over it, which Zoe noticed with a tiny giggle.

“Sorry,” she said, smiling wryly. “It’s just that what you said sounded a lot like our own experience living here.”

“How so?” I asked, still feeling like I was missing half of the conversation. Sometimes, Caden and Zoe almost acted like siblings, as they shared a lot of unspoken conversations which I wasn’t privy to. I didn’t mind, since they were never trying to exclude me and would always make sure to explain afterwards. If anything, I found it entertaining.

“Well,” Zoe started, sharing yet another look with Caden, who nodded almost imperceptibly. “I guess there is something you should know about us. We’ve been meaning to tell you for a while now.”

That was enough to make me raise an eyebrow. “What is it? Are you actually siblings and you lied to me?” I asked, trying to lighten the suddenly serious mood.

“No,” Caden chuckled. “We’re both transgender,”

What?

“Oh.” I said, very eloquently. I definitely hadn’t seen that one coming.

This wasn’t a subject I wasn’t particularly well versed in, which meant that I had a lot of questions I wanted to ask right away. I also didn’t want to be rude, which meant I was just a little bit unsure of what to do, which led to me gawking at the two of them like an idiot.

“You okay there, Thomas?” Caden asked good naturedly, though I could tell both he and Zoe were a bit nervous about my reaction, which was enough to snap me out of my stupor.

“Yeah, sorry, that caught me off guard,” I said sheepishly. “But yeah, uh, cool? I’m glad you told me? Wait, is that offensive? Sorr-”

“Okay, I think we got it,” Zoe said, holding back a giggle. “You’re fine, don’t worry. We just wanted to tell you and this felt like a good time.”

“Yeah,” Caden said. “We originally came to study here because Ottawa is known to be very trans-friendly. Honestly, when I first arrived, I didn’t expect it to be that nice of a place. I don’t think I’ve ever had a truly bad experience here, maybe a few neutral ones at worst.”

“Which is why the city feels really comfy to us and why we can relate to not wanting to leave,” Zoe continued. “Though, this is probably not the reason you don’t want to leave, but it’s still a funny coincidence nonetheless.”

“Yeah,” I said, pensive. “I’m not too worried, I know I’ll figure it out, but it was nice to get it off my chest at least. Plus, I got to learn so more stuff about you two, so win-win in my book. Anyway, what have you been up to?”

The conversation derailed afterwards, with all 3 of us taking turns talking about everything we could think of, enjoying warm cups of coffee. We unfortunately had to part ways a few hours later, as Zoe and Caden both needed to go and study for a little while, and so I made my way back to my apartment, in higher spirits than when I’d left it.

I should probably do some research on all this transgender stuff, though. Wouldn’t want to put my foot in my mouth because of some big no-no I wasn’t aware of. Plus, I’ll go and see what the deal is with Ottawa being so accepting while I’m at it.

***

I don’t feel great. Actually, I feel even worse than before.

I’ve been doing research for a few hours now, way more than I’d planned, and I’ve been learning a lot. The problem is that the more I learn about trans people, the worse I feel, and the fact that it makes me feel bad makes me feel guilty on top of everything. I don’t understand.

I started with Wikipedia, because I didn’t know what to start with, and once I realized how stupid that was I just sifted through the many websites I could find. I learned a lot of scientifical stuff and terms to use, stuff like that, but I also felt like I needed to hear about personal experiences.

That’s when I started feeling really bad, for some reason. I had this feeling in my chest, like a vice tightening every time I read a new testimony. It was almost unbearable, but I kept going, I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen.

After a while, I finally managed to shift my attention to a slightly different subject and looked for people talking about their experiences in Ottawa. I definitely still felt like shit, but I wasn’t sure what I could even do at that point. If I’d shut my laptop off I probably would have just ended up alone with my thoughts and nothing to distract myself, which would have been worse.

People definitely had a lot of good things to say about people in Ottawa and trans people, which unfortunately only made me feel like I didn’t belong here, considering the way I felt, but some people also had pretty intriguing anecdotes to share.

There was that one thread I found of Reddit of someone venting about their relatives never visiting them, for example. They always had to be the one going to them, even though they apparently had a great relationship. And then, other people chimed in, relaying a very similar experience, only to figure out that they both lived in Ottawa. As I read more messages, I found a few more people with the exact same experience.

I wouldn’t have thought much of it if it weren’t for the other weird things I read about, like the very low birth rate of the city for one thing. In the end, I found it too much to think about. I already had enough on my mind, I didn’t need more questions to answer.

And that’s where I am right now, writing this entry desperately trying to keep my mind busy. Normally I would go see my friends for help, but I don’t think I can really go see them when I’m feeling like this. I need to sort myself out, Caden and Zoe deserve better than me. I’m going to crawl in my bed and try to sleep. I doubt it’ll help, but I don’t know what else to do.

***

It’s been 3 days now, and it’s only gotten worse. I’ve been getting a few messages from both Zoe and Caden, asking me if I wanted to hang out, but I haven’t replied. When I woke up this morning, I’d received some more. I’m pretty sure they’re worrying about me, but surely they’ll get the hint and figure out that I’m not worth it if I just don’t reply. I’ve barely slept since my last entry, and yet I’ve spent most of my time rolling and turning in my bed. I went to take a shower a while ago, and I got to look at my face in the mirror. It honestly wasn’t pretty, there were huge bags under my eyes and a honestly miserable expression plastered across my face. I couldn’t bear to look at it for long. I also took my shower in the dark. I’m not exactly certain why, but the idea of leaving the light turned on was enough to make my stomach churn.

I’ve tried writing a blog post to distract myself, but I just can’t seem to find the motivation to do it correctly. The little amount I’ve written just sounds monotone and fake, and I had to delete it all. Even writing this takes more effort than is probably worth it, I-

***

A knock at the door interrupted me. Looking up from my computer and the journal entry I was in the midst of typing, I stared at the door for a moment, pondering whether to answer or not. Sighing, I closed the entry, stood up lazily, and went to peek through the judas, making sure not to make too much noise so as to not alert whoever was on the other side that I was home.

Of course. Caden and Zoe were there, staring at the front door. Zoe looked very worried, which sent a spike of guilt through my heart. I wanted to be alone, but I also didn’t want them to worry. I didn’t know what to do.

As I was standing there, torn on what to do, another knock made my apartment door vibrate, followed by a voice.

“Thomas?” Zoe asked, her voice muffled by the door standing between us. “Thomas? I know you’re in there. Please open the door, we’re worried about you,” she said, a pleading note in her voice that made my feeling of guilt worsen.

Hesitating, I stared at the door lock, biting my lips, before I finally caved in. Slowly, I unlatched the door and cracked it open, Zoe’s eyes staring into mine.

“Thomas?” she asked quietly, taking in my appearance. “What’s wrong?”

Before I could think of a reply, Caden approached and pulled the door open. I took a step back and the two of them entered my small apartment, both of them still looking at me quietly, waiting for some sort of answer.

“Hey,” I croaked, wincing at the sound of my voice. I hadn’t spoken in a while, since I’d been alone for a few days, which made my voice sound even worse than it usually did.

“Hey yourself, you look…tired,” Caden said hesitantly. If I’d been in a better mood I would have laughed at the understatement. All I could muster at the moment was a pained smile, which didn’t seem to reassure him that much.

“Thomas?” Zoe repeated, putting a hand on my arm to catch my attention, startling me in the process. “Please say something, you’re starting to really worry me. What’s going on?”

Zoe then decided to embrace me into a hug, which startled me for the second time. She’d given me hugs before, but this felt different, warmer and more encompassing. Idly I could feel a tiny portion of my stress ebb away.

We stayed like that for a little while. I could hear Caden behind me, inside my apartment doing who knows what, but that wasn’t something I was overly concerned about. I trusted Caden. He could snoop if he wanted to.

Slowly, Zoe broke the hug, looking at me with a small smile, which I tried to return. I could tell she wasn’t fully convinced, but I must have made a convincing enough attempt as she didn’t call me out on it.

“I’m sorry I worried you,” I finally said, breaking the silence. “I’ve been feeling a bit down.”

“A bit down?” Zoe echoed, rolling her eyes with a small smile. “Sounds like one hell of an understatement, considering you haven’t rep-“

“Hey, could you two come here for a second? We, uh, we need to talk about something” Caden said. Turning around, I froze when I saw that he was looking at my computer, more specifically the many tabs about trans people that I’d left open.

Crap, this was pretty embarrassing. I’d have preferred to keep the fact that I’d done some research to myself, but I guessed that wasn’t going to happen.

“Tho-“ Caden started, before interrupting himself. “I didn’t mean to look through your computer, but the huge trans flag on the screen is kind of eye catching, you know?”

Indeed, I winced while looking at my computer. I hadn’t really paid attention to what had popped up on the screen after I’d closed my text editor and gone to answer the door. “Yeah I figured doing a bit of research wouldn’t hurt after what you told me, you know?”

“I completely understand that, and I think it’s really thoughtful of you,” Caden said, shooting me a small smile before schooling his expression, “But I was more referring to the fact that this is an ‘Am I trans’ quiz,” he said, pointing at the screen.

Oh. Now this was really awkward. Glancing to my right, I could see Zoe looking back and forth between the screen and me, her eyes wide. She was probably a bit creeped out that I’d gone so far, I really hoped she didn’t think I was some kind of fetishist or something.

Actually, maybe that’s why I’d been feeling bad all this week? Because I was somehow indulging into my weird fetishes while fooling myself into thinking I was doing research? At that thought, guilt bubbled up inside me.

Opening my mouth and closing it a few times, I struggled for a little bit, unsure of what to say, before finally managing to force a reply out of my throat. “I- yeah, okay, I went overboard, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to come off as creepy or anything, but taking that test was probably too much. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

Much to my dismay, my apology didn’t seem to satisfy Caden, who only frowned at me. Zoe, meanwhile, didn’t say anything, content to just watch the two of us. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking, but I was pretty sure it wasn’t anything good. She didn’t look angry, at the very least, but she didn’t look happy either. She just seemed to be lost in thought, and I didn’t know whether that was a good thing or not.

“You know you could tell us if you were transgender, right? We’re not very likely to react badly if that was the case.” Caden said, and I looked at him incredulously. That was the conclusion he’d come to?

I mean, the quiz did say that I was “very likely to be transgender”, but it was just a crappy quiz from the internet, Caden should have known how unreliable these things were. I also had a lot of tabs open on my computer, but I was reading that stuff because I wanted to be a better friend. The fact that I had taken it way further that expected didn’t mean anything either, nor did the fact that I’d become more and more depressed, or that I could barely bear to see myself in the mirror, or…

Oh.

Wordlessly, I made my way towards my couch, ignoring Caden and Zoe, who were both saying things to me, and I sat down heavily, my head spinning.

That couldn’t be it, there had to be a mistake somewhere, right? I couldn’t actually be transgender, that was ridiculous. I mean, what were the odds that not only my two friends were trans, but me as well?

I didn’t understand.

What was going on?

Dimly, I felt something warm surround me, though it was difficult to focus on it. So many thoughts were swirling inside of my head, making me dizzy and my vision blurry. I could hear voices, though they were distant, and so I couldn’t make out what they were saying.

Slowly, as time passed, my head cleared and my vision came back. Zoe was sitting to my right, looking at me intently.

“Can you hear me?” She asked, waving her hand in front of my face.

“Yeah,” I said, shaking my head to reorder my thoughts. “Caden just gave me a lot to think about, is all.”

“I did, didn’t I?” Caden said, coming back from the kitchen with a glass of water, which he handed to me. “I’m pretty sure we’ve got a lot of things to talk about,”

And we did. I told them everything. I told them about the horrible days I spent cooped up home, about the thoughts that I’d had, all the questions that were still in my head. I asked them about their respective experiences and how they’d known they were trans. I asked questions about myself, and, while my friends didn’t have answers ready for me, they helped me navigate my own mind, form my own conclusions. By the end of the night, I was convinced that I was some flavor of transgender, even though I still wasn’t sure which, but that was alright. I’d have time to experiment, and friends to help me through it all.

We also talked a little bit about Ottawa. I shared with them the comments that I’d found over the internet as well as my own thoughts, and they did the same. We came to some crazy conclusions, the kind that anyone with a sane mind would declare crazy, the kind that are nearly impossible to prove. Still, something definitely was up with that city and trans people, maybe something mystical, who could possibly know?

Finally, as the night progressed and everyone became tired, Caden and Zoe left me alone in my apartment. They were worried about me, but I quickly reassured them. I promised I wouldn’t lock myself away again, and that we’d talk tomorrow. When I went to bed that night, it was with a big smile on my face, and fewer questions in my head. I was out like a light in a matter of seconds.

We still haven’t figured out what the deal with Ottawa is, and my own identity is still heavily in question, but it really doesn’t matter that much to me. The future seems brighter than before, and I can’t wait to see what awaits me.”