Holly! The AI had been silent since she and Samantha had left the car. Maybe she couldn’t operate at this distance? Autumn looked around and took quick stock of her location— she’d found her way back to the food court again, the smell of Cinnabon seemingly floating in the air, beckoning her like Penelope to her Pepe le Pew. No time right now.
“Holly?” she thought, though she heard no response. Looking around to make sure she wasn’t drawing much attention, she sat down on a bench, thick legs closed tightly, and closed her eyes. “Holly, I need you. Please!”
Buzz! Autumn gasped in surprised when the bag on her shoulder started vibrating against her hip. In an awkward, hurried movement Autumn pulled out her phone, half expecting a text message from Samantha. Maybe she finally figured out her change… But no. A text message from an unknown number was on her screen. Frowning, she entered in Ethan’s passcode, making a mental reminder to add her face to the phone’s security system later, and read the message. Two words.
“You rang?”
Autumn knew instantly that it was Holly messaging her. “Holly! Thank God!”
“Indeed. First, allow me to apologize for this primordial form of communication. I simply cannot function well this far from a power source. Second, what’s up?”
Taking a deep breath, Autumn launched into a detailed description of what had taken place inside Victoria’s Secret with Samantha and her panic attack. She felt bad for leaving her friend who, though they’d only been with each other for a day, had been there for her through so much and who had been so supportive. But she needed space to deal with the changes she was experiencing.
“That’s going to be normal, from what I can tell.” Came Holly’s reply. “Autumn, you have over twenty years of experience as Ethan, without any of your feminine part’s experiences. Consider all of the muscle memory in your mind associated with Ethan’s life that you’re dealing with. All of the ties and relationships formed by your neural pathways. It’s going to take a while for you to overcome those— assuming you feel they’re something to overcome instead of things that are truly a part of you. You may be wholly female, but there’s a big part of you that was male/experienced life as a male for a long time, and I think you may come to regret overwriting those experiences and memories if you decide to go down that route.”
Autumn frowned. “I don’t want to forget, but I feel unbalanced. Like Ethan has this giant influence on how I, Autumn, now experience this life. I’m a twenty three-year-old woman, Holly. Even if I don’t like wearing skirts, I shouldn’t be having a panic attack because I’m baring my knees and shoulders in public. And I don’t know what to do.”
The difficult part of this conversation was that Holly didn’t take very long to respond and Autumn had very little time to register her feelings. “And that’s okay, Autumn. Not ‘okay’ in it’ acceptable, but ‘okay’ as in it’s to be expected. You don’t have twenty-three years of experience as a woman to lean on. You don’t even have twenty three hours’ worth. Maybe just around two to three hours’ of conscience experience. Now, do you want my advice? Or did you just need to vent?”
With no hesitation Autumn wrote, “Advice please!!!!”
“Embrace it.” Immediately came the first message. The second came moments after. “You won’t overcome this in a day, but with how aggressively your more-feminine side has come/is coming out, you’ll get through this night just fine. Especially with tomorrow’s change you let Samantha put on you tonight— that’s gonna be fun— I think you’re going to be fine. I advise you to find something that’s going to put you into a good mood, then go to Zumiez or Hot Topic and find an outfit you can wear out that’s more your style. Website listings says the mall’s having a sale on leather jackets, and I know that’s exactly your type of shit. Find some heeled boots, some tight trousers to show off your sexy ass— won’t be a problem for you, (thank Samantha’s rule for that!)— then pick out a t-shirt with your favorite classic rock band on it. You’ll feel more like yourself, more confident, and way more sexy.”
Autumn smiled. Dark clothing and a leather jacket sounded like just the thing to fix her night. After Cinnabon, of course.
“Thank you, Holly. I’m going to do just that.”
“You’re most welcome. Plus, a word of advice? Consult with me before you let Samantha place a new rule on you if you can. I know some of the things she’s thinking of doing, and you’re going to love them— just not in public.”
Cringing, Autumn replied in affirmation and thanks before putting her phone away. Taking in a deep breath and reevaluating where she was in the mall, Autumn came up with a plan. She stood up and walked over to get in the short line in front of the cinnamoney, sugary goodness that awaited her.
———
What the fuck, Autumn? Samantha tried to pull the lollipop out of her mouth again and instead found herself brushing her hair behind her ear and studying the pink bra in her hands for the fifth time before she realized she’d forgotten to remove the sucker from her mouth.
Samantha realized what had happened for the fifth stupid time and swore. Loudly. Loud enough to attract attention. She smiled an apology to the mother and the little kid before grabbing her bag and taking it to check out. Love her or not, I’m buying her that pink bra and she’s going to fucking wear it.
She’d spent the last fifteen minutes browsing through the store and picking out options for Autumn that ranged from hot to downright slutty, and all the time trying to remember that thing she’d just forgotten. The thing she’d just forgotten consistently being that she’d just been unable to remove the lollipop from her mouth. Every time she’d remembered and gone to remove the blasted sweet she’d inevitably found herself doing something different.
“That’s $174.59.” The girl in front of her said, drawing her out of her thought spiral.
“Uh, I’m sorry? Did I put something in here I didn’t mean to?” She started picking through the lingerie on the counter.
“Well…” the employee turned her POS screen toward Samantha and broke down the costs of everything. It turned out the pink bra Samantha was determined to buy for Autumn actually cost $60. She scowled and made the decision.
“Thank you.” Samantha forced on a smile as she handed over her card. You’re going to wear that bra and you’re going to hate every second of it.
———
“Six Cinnasweeties and a Classic Roll, please.” Autumn forced a smile on her face as she ordered. Holly had suggested she “Embrace it”, so she was going to try to. Smile at a few people, laugh and do whatever else it takes to take her mind off of her current wardrobe and recent panic attack.
“You got it.” The guy brushed a bang out of his eyes and took her card. Somehow her smile seemed to be less forced when he handed Autumn back her card with her receipt, but she brushed the thought away like the stray hair she tucked behind her ear. She looked down and away from the young cashier’s gaze and stood to the side, swallowing the drool pooling in her mouth as the smell enveloped her senses. This body was going to take some getting used to. How did anybody have this big of a sweet tooth? How was that even possible?
A few minutes later her number was called out and Autumn stepped up only to be surprised by the face of the cashier from earlier.
“Uh, I figured I’d hand these to you myself.” He said. The boy was probably not any older than seventeen, but for some reason Autumn felt something stirring in her tummy. Something she hadn’t felt for a long time.
She took the bag from the cashier’s waiting arms and walked away without saying a word, suddenly intent on studying her shoes.
