When I curled up under the covers, I had committed myself to leaving this room as little as possible. I would physically distance myself from the insanity of this damned Tomb with every fiber of my being. After having just regained my ‘independence’, I refused to re-shakle myself to some out of depth salaryman larping as an evil overlord.

How long could I remain here? How long would it take for them to become concerned over my absence? Or suspicious of my intentions?

Days?

A week?

Months?

How long would this tomb of fanatics allow one such as myself to be beyond the reach of the ‘Supreme’ Beings? To not contribute to the Tomb as he fumbled his way to world conquest?

So I locked the door, curled up under the sheets and waited.

After, according to the room’s clock, two hours, my stomach roared with hunger.

It honestly surprised me. Though I was sick at first. But then I realized what was causing the grumbling. Hunger.

But these weren't the cries of an emaciated stomach, but the normal grumblings signaling an appetite; as if I had been eating perfectly fine during that period.

‘Oh when was the last time I ate, or even drank anything?’

After so long without the need for any form of sustenance, this was both a happy feeling but also one I dreaded.

‘Of course not that I’m real I need food.’

I soldiered through the pangs of hunger for the better part of half an hour before I gave up.

In my ‘time’ here, I had forgotten how damn painful hunger could be! Not eating for years seemingly has that effect. But the hunger didn't feel like I was being emaciated from starvation. Infact, the signals going to my brain were telling me my body was hungry in the ‘normal’ sense. Like I had skipped a meal today.

More time listening to my stomach growl and I had enough. I will eat something!

Now that I had resolved myself to get food, I hit another snag.

I had no idea where to get food.

Oh I know the Tomb has places where the NPC’s were ‘meant’ to eat. From Tabula’s various ramblings, I know this place has a ‘fancy dining room’, ‘servant cantina’, a ‘main dining room’, and a bar at the bare minimum. Surprisingly, Tabula never sought to say where these places actually were! To be fair, why would he, none of the NPCs were ever meant to become real.

Before I could panic too much at this point, I realized something, ‘Couldn't I just ask the homunculi to get me food?’

With one good push, the doors to my chamber flew open. I strode onto the lab floor with as much confidence as I could muster. The sound of my footsteps, and the door hitting the wall, attracted all the homunculus attention.

I pointed to the nearest one, “you!”

She jolted a bit from my voice, a beaker almost falling out of her hands. Her posture straightened, “yes, my lady.”

‘Don't call me that,’ I wanted to snap at her. “I am hungry. Get me food.”

She blinked at me, like a deer caught in an upcoming car’s headlights. The gears in her head clearly spinning faster than normal if her expression was anything to go by.

“I said, I am-”

“Forgive me my Lady,” she quickly apologized, “I just-”. She was mulling over her words. “You...Well…”

“Yes ‘you….:” I led her on, annoyed by this momentary delay. Maybe I was being a bit snappy, but I was hungry damnit!

“It’s just that...you would...Umm,” she wrung her fingers out against her apron as she fumbled with her words.

“She’s trying to say you’d need more food than any one of us could bring to you my lady,” a different homunculi spoke up.

My head swiveled to her. She seemed to shrink a bit under my gaze, her eyes darting in every which way to avoid my eye.

“What is that supposed to mean, exactly?”

Before I could inquire any further into what they meant, a pair of homunculi stepped out of the crowd. “Forgive me my lady, but we were about to head out to find some food for ourselves. Would you like to accompany us?”

‘You know what, fine! It’s better than nothing’, I roared internally.

“Yes that will be acceptable,” I replied. What else could I say?

I followed the homunculi pair out of the lab, ignoring the idle chatter behind me as the doors swung shut.

Nazarick was like a maze at the best of times. Twisting hallways that made no rhyme or reason. No directions. No obvious directions. It was quite well furnished, fine carpeting and portraits hung from the walls, but that was all superfluous.

To be fair though, if one were to have a little mini map in the corner of their eye it probably wouldn't be that big of a deal.

But this wasn't a video game.

Well not anymore.

This whole layout was good to confuse people who were attacking, but bad when a person needed to go somewhere but didn't have a map seared into their mind like the NPC’s.

Such as myself.

I kind of knew the general layout, but I wouldn't say I was comfortable enough to travel around the Tomb without an escort.

I just followed the homunculi. Trusting that they knew where to take me. Or at least, trust they hadn’t noticed something off with ‘Citrinitas’ and were taking me to the dungeons for interrogation.

I passed many creatures on the way to wherever it was we were going. A trio of dog sized, barely visible, spider-like creatures scurrying along the ceiling. A penguin looking creature with a bowtie. Human looking maids. Even a vampire-like creature in a white gown.

What stood out to me was how these monsters reacted to me. The spider things just ignored me entirely, going about whatever it was they were doing without giving me or my guides a second look. The penguin and maids however, gave me quite the reception. They immediately cleared a path for me, stepping to the side. The butler thing put its front flipper across its chest and gave a curt bow. The maids curtsied, heads ever so slightly down as I passed. A sign of respect?

The vampire’s reaction did make my blood run cold for a moment. When she looked at me, she froze. Wide black and red eyes locked on mine for the briefest of moments. I controlled my expression. Did she know? Was she going to cry out for guards to restrain me? Was she going to attack?

She did none of these things. Turning on her heel, she bolted down the hallway in the opposite direction.

“And off she goes,” I heard one of my homunculi mutter to herself. She turned to me, “forgive me my lady, but we should go this way now,” she gestured down an opposing hallway.

The other snickered to herself until her compatriot jabbed her in the side with an elbow.

I was officially lost.

----

Another ten minutes of walking and we arrived somewhere.

It looked like a ritzy dining room. Rich wooden furniture. Beautiful portraits along the walls. Chandeliers of gold and silver. Soft lights illuminated the chamber. Honestly, none of this stuff would seem out of place in a more high end restaurant in the ‘real world’.

A single, insect-like figure stood at the far end of the room. It, or maybe he was grabbed in a waiter's uniform. Looked kind of like a praying mantis with his two scythe-like arms. Upon seeing me, he rushed over on his four legs and gave me a deep bow.

“Welcome, Madam Citrinitas, to the Azur restaurant. What can our fine establishment provide for you this evening?”

Holy fuck that voice did not match what I was looking at. Why the hell did a praying mantis have a French accent anyway?

“I’m hungry,” what the fuck did I just say? Couldn’t I have said that in a less blunt way?

The mantis man gave me another deep bow, “but of course my lady, please,” one of his blades pointed to the empty tables, “take a seat anywhere you like. I shall have the chef prepare your food.”

“But I-” a soft shove pushed me onwards.

“This way my lady,” one of the homunculi spoke up.

I sat down at a small, two person, table towards the back. A napkin was wrapped around my neck to prevent stains on ‘my’ dress. One of the girls brought over a bottle of wine. The other fetched a glass. As the red wine poured in, I realized something.

‘I didn't even order anything yet.’

Despite this, I had to wait only a few minutes before the waiter brought out a dish of food. It looked like a steak, dripping with a buttery seasoning. A side of mashed potatoes accompanied the meal in a separate bowl. The sheer amount of food laid out for me looked like it was meant to feed a family of four!

But it smelled delicious!

The homunculi looked at me, smiles on their faces, waiting for me to eat.

“Didn't you come to eat as well?” I questioned them.

“It's okay, I’m not actually that hungry anyway,” the first one replied.

“I thought I was hungry too, but turns out I’m not,” the other one added, “don’t worry my Lady, enjoy yourself.”

‘Why did you even come then? And ‘enjoy myself’,’ I lamented, ‘this thing is large enough to feed an impoverished family for a week, at least!’

They kept staring at me.

‘‘I’ll just eat what I can,’ I reasoned.

Fork and steak knife in hand, I cut off a piece and popped it into my mouth.

My eyes widened. The flavors exploded along my taste buds! This was the single best piece of meat that I can remember tasting!

Before the piece was down my throat, I was already carving off another piece.

Then another.

And another.

And another.

Stopping only occasionally to wash the meat down my throat with wine, or to sample the equally excellent mashed potatoes. I hardly even noticed how quickly this massive meal was disappearing, or how frequently my glass was being refilled.

Before I knew it, my plate was picked clean.

Yet I was still hungry.

Before I could even put my silverware down the mantis had whisked away my plate and replaced it with another plate of food! This time it was a chicken dish, with a side of vegetables. The napkin tied around my neck, drenched in the steak’s juices and butter, was replaced with a fresh one. My glass of wine was filled back to the top for the umpteenth time.

I hesitated. Despite how delicious this chicken dish smelled, if I kept eating like this I knew I was going to be sick. Yet, my tummy groaned in hunger; as if I hadn't just eaten a meal fit for a small family!

Swearing to myself, I gorged into the new dish with equal fervor.

As before, it was delicious.

Before I realized it, my second plate was cleaned off.

And so a cycle began to emerge. A plate with an improbably large portion size was placed in front of me. I devoured it. Then another plate would take its place. Meal after meal after meal. Exquisite cuts of meat. Fish. Chicken. Vegetables. Anything that was on the plate before me was devoured.

It was filling me up. That much I was sure of. I merely felt peckish now rather than ravenously starving. Weirdly enough, my tummy wasn’t bulging in the slightest from the sheer amount of food I was ingesting. You’d think I would be resembling that character from Monty Python right about now; the fat Frenchman who ate too much and exploded after finishing his meal with a mint. The name escapes me. Strange. I knew I remembered it….

My musings were cut short by yet another dish coming out before me. This time, however, it was not a meal but a desert. A cake.

Not a slice of a cake, but a whole cake. A large cake. Vanilla if my sense of smell was correct.

The silverware I was using was replaced with ones more fitting for cake eating.

Slicing it into more manageable pieces, I began to consume it as well. Just as with my meals, this was the tastiest cake I have ever had the privilege of eating! Soon enough, it too was gone; the plate quickly replaced with a second, even more immaculate cake.

Before I could gorge myself on the second cake, a voice called out to me.

“Do my eyes deceive me? Is that the beautiful Citrinitas!”

From the corner of my eye, I could see the homunculi frown at the voice. Turning around, I saw why they were displeased.

Three women stood at the entrance. Two were vampires. Black and red eyed, dressed in the same white gowns as the one from earlier. The third woman was…

“Shalltear,” I muttered aloud.

Yes, the gothic sadomasochist vampire herself. Shalltear Bloodfallen. A “true vampire”. Her current appearance hid her truly monstrous nature. While she may look like a deathly pale, silver haired, little girl, her true form, from what I recall, resembles more akin to a lamprey than a human.

Said vampire’s slitted bloody red eyes locked on my own sickly yellow orbs.

She smiled, sauntering over to my table, “Oh good, you’re actually here. I tried five other dining rooms before this one. Five! And one of them was empty!” On her way over, she grabbed one of the many vacant chairs and dragged it across the room to my table. Sitting down, her brides took position behind her. Her smile persisted.

“Shalltear,” I repeated, unsure of what to say. I genuinely had no idea what else to say. Sitting before me was one of the single strongest people in the tomb. A girl, woman, monster, who takes joy in inflicting pain and suffering on others. And that was before she mind breaks them into her slaves.

Something clicked in my head. Was that why that other vampire rushed off. She saw something off in me and went to her mistress. Was this going to be my execution?

No, I realized. If anything, her killing me would be a quick thing compared to what happens when she gets her hands on a woman. If-

“Oh, I’m sorry I was a bit quiet for a moment,” her apology broke me out of my thoughts. “It's just,” she propped her head up on the table, “you look so cute when you're in deep thought.”

Say what? Every gear in my head grounded to a stop.

“Not that you aren't beautiful normally,” Shalltear clarified, “but that way your eyebrows scrunch up and your cheeks puff out is just so cute.”

Was this monster, hitting on me…..

“Just like that,” she excitedly pointed to me.

“My cheeks do not puff out,” I quipped back, the words leaving my lips before I realized what I had said. More specifically, to whom I had said it to.

If she took offense to my tone of voice, she didn't show it; her smile persisted.

“Yes they do,” she insisted.

I set my silverware down and cleaned my face of buttercream, “Is there something you wanted, Shalltear?”

She giggled to herself, “well, now that you mentioned it,” she licked her lips.

Oh fuck, this is not good….

“Sadly, such things will have to wait for a more opportune time,” she actually looked a bit disappointed.

“Opportune time?” I parroted.

Shalltear sighed. “Yes. If you haven't heard already, the Tomb of Nazarick is no longer in Helheim. Not even Lord Momonga knows where we are now. As of right now, the Tomb is at its highest readiness level.”

“You spoke with him already?” I knew she already had, if the events of the series are still going along their normal path.

She nodded, “Oh yes. I was summoned for an emergency meeting within the Amphitheater with the other Floor Guardians. He actually went off to explore the immediate area after we reaffirmed our commitment to him. His presence was so overwhelming that I-” She blushed, squirming in her seat.

Oh geez, I forgot about that part.

I hope my expression hid my thoughts on that bit of information.

“Sebas came to my lab to take stock of our inventory a few hours ago,” I tried to redirect the conversation away from Shalltear getting hot from the thought of a skeleton dominating her. “I had sensed something was wrong even before he arrived to inform me. His arrival just confirmed it.”

She looked surprised, “you felt it?”

“Yes,” I nodded. Maybe the other NPCs didn't notice the transition like I, and technically Momonga, did. “It was for a split second,” I snapped my fingers to illustrate, “then it was over.”

“Oh wow,” she actually sounded impressed by my ‘feat’. “So was it something magical? What did it feel like?”

Oh geez. She went from suave seductress to childlike wonder in seconds. “I don’t know,” ain't that the truth! “I assume it is magical in nature. But I just don't know for certain. Not yet at least. As for what it felt like,” I paused for a second. “It's hard to explain. Everything was like it usually was. But then, for a brief second, everything felt different. I hardly even noticed it happened at all.”

I heard her mutter under her breath, something along the lines of “...so cool….”

“Excuse me-”

“What I mean to say,” she cut me off. Actually, she was looking a little flustered now, “is that of course you'd be the only other person in Nazarick to sense it. Outside of the Supreme Beings themselves that is, you're the strongest mage in Nazarick! I doubt any of us could surpass Nazarick’s Vending Machine in terms of magical aptitude.”

“I’m sorry…” What the fuck did she just call me.

Shalltear became more flustered, “I mean, it's something I heard Lord Peroroncino call you when he was talking with Lady Bukubukuchagama and Lord Tabula one time. I mean, I know it's a prestigious title. And I know...Well I know that...and that...” she fumbled her words. And was she blushing now?

As she sputtered out, all I could think was ‘that's what they actually fucking called me? I thought that was a joke!’

I heard Shalltear clear her throat and stood up. Her demeanor changed back to the suave seductress from earlier. She walked over to me. Funnily enough, with me sitting, we were actually at eye level with one another. I saw her face was still tinted a tad red.

“What I mean to say is that if you ever feel overworked, or,” her eyes glanced over to the homunculi, “ if you’re just bored with your collection of girls I would be more than happy to lend you some of mine. Naturally, I hope you’d extend the same courtesy to me. Don't worry, I don’t break other people’s things.”

The homunculi visibly flinched at that comment. What little color in their faces drained. Abject horror clearly present in their violet eyes.

I kept my expression as neutral as possible. “That’s,” Horrifying, “kind of you. But I think I’ll be fine. Also, they’re my assistants not my,” Sex Slaves, “harem”.

Shalltear slowly blinked. “Oh I didn't mean anything by it,” waving off my concerns.

An awkward silence fell on the conversation. Her crimson slitted eyes looking into my yellow ones. I could hear her taking deep breaths. Her suave smile seemed to twitch a bit.

Then a soft laugh, “oh would you look at the time. Time certainly flies when one has such a beautiful and elegant conversation partner wouldn't you say?”

“Um,” I tried to drum up a response to that abrupt statement.

Without a word, her long tongue slithered from her mouth and licked my cheek. As it retreated back, I noticed a bit of buttercream on it. She gave an over exaggerated sighing sound as the buttercream entered her mouth. Which was followed by an over exaggerated swallowing sound. Half lidded eyes looked at me, her pale face now had red hue to it. A single finger rested on her lips.

“Very sweet,” she noted under her breath.

Now it was my turn to have a red face, “excuse me, what was-”

“Now I must be leaving now,” She spun around and made her way to the exit, her brides following her out. I actually forgot that they were with her. They sort of blended into the background when she sat down. “Goodbye my… I mean, the beautiful… I mean, I hope to see you soon. I mean, I will see you soon! I mean… I will be returning to my post now.” Her voice seemed to fumble over and over again. Each broken sentence followed by her suave persona collapsing in on itself a bit more. Her pace also picked up, she was out the door in mere seconds.

I was left alone with the Homunculi and mantis waiter, who had been hiding behind a counter during Shalltear’s visit.

Going by the looks on their faces, they were as confused by what just happened as I was.

I put my fork down.

After all of that, I didn't feel hungry any more.

-----
-----
-----

“Fucking damn it all!”

Shalltear swore as she threw one of her brides into the nearest wall. The bride's dress long since ripped apart in the true vampire's rage fueled venting. Gashes, cuts, and bruises littered her pale form. A crunch and wet snap echoed in the room as the bride slid down to the carpeted floor, a small patch of red stained into the wall. Three further brides laid motionless beneath their mistress’s feet. Their breathing slow, but steady. Bodies too battered to register the amount of pain they were truly in. The occasional twitches were all the movement they could muster.

‘That’ll do for now,’ Shalltear reasoned, she worked out enough frustration for the evening. She gave the line up of ‘fresh’ brides at the far end of the room a nod. Without delay, they rushed to their fallen ‘sisters’. Picking them up, and taking them away to be healed.

The true vampire jumped backwards onto her bed; sinking into the luxurious sheets.

She groaned, “what a mess.”

And it was.

After meeting Lord Momonga, as she was changing her undergarments from his Lordship’s overpowering presence, one of her bride’s brought her a wonderful tidbit of news: Citrinitas had left her lab. It would appear that not only was she to enjoy the company of her future husband this day, but to enjoy the company of her future wife. The reclusive, yet beautiful, Citrinitas.

Oh. How anyone as fair and lovely as her can be related to that overgrown baboon of an overseer is beyond her. How did Albedo even stand up straight with breasts that big anyway?

So she saunters into five separate dining areas until she reaches Citrinitas’s one. Quite. Alone. Matched her personality perfectly.

But then...Ugh. She made a fool of herself. She went and made herself look like a child! And the stuttering. And the cream! Oh! She must think she only wanted her for her body! To be like one of her brides.

Shalltear’s stomach twisted into something foul at the mere thought of Citrinitas being broken into one of them. Unlike the brides who were merely her toys, Citrinitas was…

It was hard to describe her feelings for the alchemist. Love was most assuredly a part of it; love at first sight if she were honest. Lust for her physical form; which was far and above the most beautiful body she had ever laid eyes on. Even a genuine desire to enjoy her company in a more platonic sense; a simple dinner for instance. Oh yes. Shalltear’s feelings were quite expansive on this subject.

She even remembers the exact moment they met. It was at a party with the Supreme Beings. The various guardians had been in attendance with their respective creators. She forgot what the part was about, but she remembers who she saw at it. Off in a far corner, enjoying the company and conversation of several Supreme Beings was Citrinitas. Everything about her was as close to perfection as one can be. Dress. Skin tone. Intelligence. Everything.

Shalltear blushed at the memory. Oh, she was so nervous that night. Like a blushing virgin. Her Lord, Master, and Creator, Lord Peroroncino had given her permission to mingle with the other party goers. She just knew Lord Peroroncino was saying she was allowed to speak with Citrinitas that evening and knew her feelings for her. But she was just so damn nervous about making a fool of herself.

She remembers seeing Citrinitas a few other times. The homunculus was a well known recluse, but even she had to leave her lab on occasion. Most of the time it was of the more serious sort, where the guild prepared for battle and Citrintias was needed by the Supreme Beings. But others? The parties? The balls. The costume parties?

Shalltear choked up. Too skittish to even approach. Avoiding eye contact. Quite pathetic if Shalltear were to be honest with herself.

If only Lord Peroroncino were here, he’d know what to do.

While her Lord had left with most of the other Supreme Beings, he had imparted her wisdom beyond imagining in the time leading up to his departure. She would think back to his lessons when she faced trying times.

“Onii-chan, she might look like a child, but she’s actually a thousand thousand year old vampire, so it's legal.”

“Girls with dicks means it’s two times the fun.”

“It’s not filth Onii-chan, it’s culture.”

“Big breasts may fill a man’s hands, but small breasts will fill a man’s heart.”

Truly, if Lord Momomga is the strongest and most intelligent of all the Supreme Beings, her Lord was clearly the wisest of them all.

And knowing him, her Lord would not want her wallowing away in self pity! She was going to prove to Citrinitas that she, Shalltear Bloodfallen, was worthy of being her wife! Tonight may have been a blunder. She stuttered, she probably came on a little too hard for ‘colleagues’. Thinking back, Shalltear has a genuinely hard time thinking of the first time they spoke to each other.

She dismissed the thought. I didn't matter how they met, only that now she was going to be proactive about this. No more skittering away at her approach. No more fumbling her words. No more! She was going to show Citrintias that her affection was genuine!

And thankfully, her Lord saw to that as well.

Shalltear smiled, as she crawled to her bedside table. On it was a single book. A tome, one of many, left behind by her Lord. She had skimmed it a bit prior to meeting Citrinitas, but now she was going to read it in detail. This book, her Lord had assured her, was the key to claiming Citrinitas as her wife.

Not Citrinitas specifically, of course, but to garner the attention of a person you were in love with.

She noted the title “Claiming your Waifu ''. It was an alternative spelling of ‘wife’ she remembers Lord Peroroncino used often.

Cracking open the, she began her research in earnest.