reality 6: “real”

How long has it been?

He felt like an eternity had passed after he logged out of World Symphony. He expected to feel that breathless and heavy feeling again, but now he just couldn’t feel much of anything.

Everything just felt numb.

Even after his mind caught up to the fact that he had destroyed his VR gear, the one object that helped him suppress his emotions, that terrible feeling didn’t come back like he expected. 

He wanted to laugh. If only he could feel like this all the time.

There was no pain, no sense of dread, no anxiety. It felt like he was peacefully floating in the middle of an ocean, waiting until the next wave would come and finally drown him. Maybe then he could finally be free. He didn’t know when it would come, but he was waiting for it. 

As he waited, Ayn continued doing what he had been doing. Lying on the bed, he would scan the dust particles hanging in the air for a little while before closing his eyes again. Sometimes there would be a single fleeting thought that came to his mind. He had to do something, anything. He needed to function. Deep down, he knew that but he just didn’t have the energy or will. The only thing he wanted to do was to sleep and never wake up.

Sometimes, another thought would pop into his mind. He would think of Morion in brief moments. He never stayed long, but sometimes Ayn would see his face and the anxious expression that he had when Ayn logged out for the final time. Remembering that horrible expression was the only time Ayn would feel a semblance of emotion, even though it was guilt.

Ayn had never been the type to have close friends. Before…his father, Ayn had a couple of acquaintances that he knew. They weren’t close enough to be considered friends but they had hung out once or twice. After his father, Ayn began shutting himself in the house and although those acquaintances had tried asking about him at first, over time they had stopped and there was no doubt in Ayn’s mind that those people had forgotten him. Ayn didn’t blame them, he understood why they forgot since they weren’t really friends to begin with.

Morion shouldn’t be any different from those people. They hung out a few times, but Ayn didn’t know much about that person and neither did Morion about Ai. They shouldn’t be more than just acquaintances that would soon forget about each other. Still, he was the first person Ayn had interacted with on more than a couple of occasions. Even though they only knew each other’s avatar, they understood each other pretty well and could work together easily. 

Maybe…

Ayn blinked a couple of times and finally, for the first time in what felt like an eternity, pulled down the blankets from his eyes. Maybe I need to apologize for quitting like that, Ayn thought to himself as he stared at the wall mounted clock across from his bed. Slowly he allowed himself to escape a little bit from the mountain of blankets he was under. He still didn’t feel much of anything, but it was a little easier to breathe now that he wasn’t underneath piles of cloth.

Right. He should start by trying to feel a little bit better and then he would-

It was then that he remembered. He didn’t have a way to return back to [World Symphony]. The little pieces of metal and parts of the headgear were still scattered across the floor alongside drops of blood that dripped from the scar on his hand. The scar looked ugly and caked with dry blood but it didn’t hurt. Ayn glanced at it disinterestedly and sighed.

How was he going to contact Morion now? He needed to apologize first and after that…what would I do next? Ayn thought to himself, unsure of where his thoughts were going to take him. Maybe I could-

A knock on the door prevented his thoughts from going somewhere he couldn’t return from. Ayn glanced at the slightly open door of his bedroom that led to the apartment’s living room. From where he was sitting, he could see the front door that was being knocked on. Ayn frowned. Who could be visiting him? He didn’t remember telling anyone the address except for…

Ayn quickly pulled the brake on his thoughts before they could think of him. He took a few deep breaths, counted to ten then got up on his shaky legs. Slowly, he made his way onto the dim living room with caution. It had been a while since he stepped out of his bedroom like that, it felt kind of odd. 

Finally he arrived at the door. It had been a while since the person on the other side knocked and Ayn wondered if that person had given up and walked away. Ayn leaned close to the door, placing his ear against the wood. He didn’t hear much of anything but ultimately decided to call out.

“Who’s there?” His voice sounded rough as he hadn’t spoken much in the past few months.

For a bit, no response came. Ayn could slightly hear the rustling of clothes and the shifting of  footsteps, as if the other person was unsure on what to do. Finally, the voice responded.

“Are you...Ayn?”

Ayn leaned back from the door, confused. He didn’t recognize the voice from the other side and yet it sounded so...familiar. The door had no peephole he could use nor were there any windows that had a view of the other side of the door. All he had was the other person’s voice.

“Who are you?” Ayn asked, a slight panic beginning to seep into his voice. “I don’t know anyone so leave before I-”

“Ai,” Ayn flinched when he heard that name. No one he knew in real life should’ve known his in-game name. This person also knew his real name, who in the world was he? “It’s me, Morion.”

What? Ai jumped away from the door and stared at the handle in fright. How…what? Starting to feel the panic growing stronger and stronger, Ai walked away from the door, wanting to go back and bury himself in his piles of blankets once more. I shouldn’t have done anything at all, Ayn thought to himself in a descending despair.

“Ai…Ayn, I need to tell you something.” Ayn barely listened to his words, turning around and walking away while clutching his abdomen. I want to go back to sleep. I want to-

“Ayn, I knew your father.”

Ayn paused abruptly in his steps, frozen stiff. As he processed those words, he could feel his hands starting to tremble violently. 

My father…Morion knows my…

Suddenly feeling sick to his stomach, Ayn dropped onto the floor and tightened his grip on his abdomen. His breathing began to grow rough, sharp and irregular causing him to choke.

Dad…it’s all my fault, it’s really my fault. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. 

All he could think of was to apologize to that person who was no longer here. It was the only thing he could do, he didn’t know what else he could do to make everything be alright. Hearing his turbulent panic attack, the voice at the other side of the door began to grow more frantic and desperate. 

“Ayn, are you okay?! Open the door please! I’m sorry for showing up, just let me know you’re okay and I’ll leave!” Ayn glanced at the door through the tears in his eyes. He was scared, uncomfortable and anxious because of what was happening, but…

Ayn closed his eyes and tried his best to control his volatile emotions. He tried his best to imagine a peaceful scenery and control his breathing. He pictured the blue sky he saw when he was in [World Symphony]. He saw the white clouds and the tall, multicolored trees surrounding him as he walked through the forest of the Elven Region. The scenery that first greeted him when he first traveled to that fantasy world, the most excited he had ever felt in years.

“I’m okay.” He managed to utter.

On the other side, Mori sighed with relief, rubbing his chest to ease his rapidly beating heart and the anxiety he felt. He needed to leave, Mori knew that. It wouldn’t feel good to have a stranger suddenly knocking on your door and calling you by name. As much as he wanted to help, this wasn’t the right way. He needed to back off and think of a more acceptable way to meet Ayn.

Just as Mori decided to walk away for some time, unexpectedly, the door of the apartment swung open. That was the first time that two of them ever saw one another in real life. Mori took in the long dark hair, pale skin and the dark shadows under a pair of familiar blue eyes. Tightening his grip on the old envelope in his hands, it dawned on him right there and then that the person in front of him was not Ai, but Ayn.

oofcat

I'm not that good at writing length descriptions of turbulent emotions, sorry guys :,)