War is a mere continuation of politics by other means.

von Clausewitz: On War

Diplomacy is the mere continuation of war by other means.

Extending Clausewitz's train of thought.

 

Diplomacy is sending someone to hell in such a way that he looks forward to the journey.

Unknown origin

 

 

I stepped outside the door from the throne room and took a quick look around. For the next few steps, I might as well enlist the servants. And just as well I could start to train them the correct behavior.

"You. What is your name and what is your task, young lady?" I spoke in the best tone of command, pointing my index finger at a maidservant. As expected, the young woman addressed flinched.

"My name is Mariette, dear lady. I take care of refreshments and errands, dear lady."

Outstanding. "Excellent, Mariette. I will require your services in a moment. Hand over your other duties if necessary." Next, I turned to two guards a little farther from the door to the throne room, "You two. Name and rank?"

The two unconsciously assumed posture and replied, "Holt, Private, dear Lady!" and "Geron, Private, dear Lady!"

"Private Holt until your captain decides otherwise you are my escort. Private Geron, go and direct your captain Lady Laura wishes to speak to him. If he is unsure about coming to me, I suggest he check with His Majesty." Private Geron saluted me and disappeared with a "Yes, Lady Laura!"

"Mariette, take me to a room for guests. After that, you tell the person in charge of assigning rooms I need appropriate rooms until the king has time for my audience. Once you are done with that, you will prepare coffee for me. Understood?"

 

"I beg your pardon, what is coffee, Lady Laura?" her question hit me like a hammer.

Nooooo! Without coffee, this world is doomed. Can I even survive without? How will people ever successfully enter the industrial age?

One item for my list. Priority right under survival.

 

"Then I will have to deal with tea, Mariette. Do you understand?"

"I understand, Lady Laura."

"Excellent, Mariette. Now lead the way. Private Holt. Escort me."

I admit I laid it on a bit thick. But I'm sure word of the spectacle will spread among the servants and guards. Goal achieved.

Should I have said where I wanted to be taken first before sending Geron to his captain? Well, a good soldier should know what is going on in his jurisdiction. No need to make the search too easy.

 

Mariette led us quickly through the castle to a cozy room with a couch, chairs and a tea table. I must confess, I expected the arrival and appearance of the captain with a certain anticipation. Depending on his reaction, I had planned my next actions. Moreover, I was very sure that it would be a man and not a woman. I made myself comfortable on the couch with a notebook and waited for Mariette. Of course, a paper notebook!

 

In my waiting time, I questioned Private Holt. One should never miss a good opportunity.

"Private Holt. I have a few questions. What is the name of this world?" - "Maronde, Lady Laura."

"Private Holt. What is the name of this city?" - "Nuldur, Lady Laura."

"Private Holt. How big is Nuldur in diameter and how many inhabitants? - "Three thousand mitors and about 150000, Lady Laura.

"Private Holt. How big are you?" - "About half a mitor, Lady Laura." So about 6 kilometers.

 

Skill: Unit conversion learned.

Really?

 

"Private Holt. What is the currency called in Mitoran and what coins are used?" - "Drackme. There are copper, silver and gold coins. Platinum coins are very rarely seen, Lady Laura."

"Private Holt. What guilds are there in Mitoran?" - "I only know of the Adventurer's, Merchant's, Banker's, and Mage's Guilds, Lady Laura. There are others, though, Lady Laura."

"Private Holt. What does the average mage earn?" - "That's a tough question, Lady Laura. About a hundred gold pieces a year, Lady Laura."

"Private Holt. How much would it cost to buy a loaf of bread and a good meal at the inn?" - "Two copper coins and one silver coin, Lady Laura."

"Private Holt. Are there any races other than humans?" - "There are also the dwarves, the elves, the demi-humans, and the demons, Lady Laura."

"Private Holt. At what age is one considered an adult in Mitoran?" - "At sixteen, Lady Laura."

 

Skill: Interrogation learned.

Nice.

 

"Thank you very much Private Holt. You've been very helpful." - "At your service, Lady Laura!"

 

Time to recall my "episode" with the gods. Maybe the Japanese skill will be helpful.

 

<A warm welcome to you!

You all would have died in the earthquake that is about to begin.

We are very pleased to inform you that you will be transferred to another world!

We are the gods of this world named Maronde.

And yes, in this other world there are swords and magic. You can gain experience and level up through battles there.

You 20 students will be summoned in a ritual as heroes of a kingdom of men.

To make your new life a little easier each one of you will receive a special ability from us.

Your starting attributes are based on your previous life. Strong people get more STR and intelligent students get more INT. Kind of like that. All very fair.

 

As a special bonus, each of you will receive an "inventory" of all the items you have built in your life so far and everything you have with you at this moment.

 

Please make an effort!

Bye Bye.

 

Hmmm, what's that? Who are you? A foreigner? That's kind of a messed up thing here. A foreigner shouldn't be able to come to this another world. Now, we are gods.

Oh, you don't seem to understand me. I don't have time to learn your language. It'll be all right.

What am I going to do with you? You can't become a hero. Well, so what. You just don't get a special ability. But I'll give you a title instead. That should be enough.

Good riddance!

 

How ugly. I think the title "villain" is more than appropriate for something like this.>¹I ponder, how many of you used g@@gle translate the previous chapter?

 

Fucking planned obsolescent! Fucking gods! Villainess. I'm going balistic!

Well, I guess the cat is finally out of the bag. The constant skill messages were already a strong sign but with this I think it's clear that there's a "system" here. Should I try to call it up now? Better not right away, I think some "privacy" is in order. Calm down, Laura. There's power in calm. Maybe I can get some information out of Holt.

Hmmmm, inventory of all the items you've built in your life so far. Ohhhhh. Now I would soooo like to have a look at my inventory. But better later. Anticipation!

 

Now, just to be on the safe side, I should prepare for my encounter with the captain. Why? Have you already forgotten?

Premonition? Prophecy? Divination? Or good old female intuition? Buy one and get two more for free!

I think I should have a little "insurance" handy. After all, safety first!

 

Before I can continue the "interrogation" of Private Holt, the door opens and Mariette pushes a cart with various tea utensils into the room.

"Mariette, my pretty," I purr in my best predatory voice, "haven't you forgotten a little something?" Mariette's reaction is priceless. That uncertainty. "Excuse me, Lady Laura. What did I forget, Lady Laura?" breathes the little girl looking down.

"The knocking and waiting to get permission to enter the room, Mariette. Just imagine if I had been about to spank an undisciplined maid to teach her manners. The poor thing would be completely exposed to your gaze. Can you imagine how ashamed she would be? Or imagine you were that undisciplined maid I had to punish with a spanking. How would you feel? Well Mariette?" I vividly described the situation to her. A look at her face showed me THAT she could imagine that only too well. With her head lowered and reddened with shame, she asked, "Please forgive me for forgetting to knock, Lady Laura. It won't happen again, Lady Laura." Interestingly, Private Holt's head was a similar color. Et tu, Holt?

"Mariette, prepare us some tea. Five cups." - "At your service, Lady Laura."

"Private Holt. How are skills learned here?" - "By constant repetition, Lady Laura. We guards practice our combat techniques daily and over time the skill level increases. It goes faster if we kill in the process because of the experience, Lady Laura."

"Private Holt. Is that all? Aren't there any preconditions?" - "Excuse me, Lady Laura. Usually you learn your skills after your awakening in the temple at coming of age after choosing your class and profession, Lady Laura."

"Interesting. We learn a little differently where I come from. I think I'll check out an awakening at the temple the next chance I get. Thank you Private Holt." - "At your service, Lady Laura."

Interesting. Indeed. Another item on my list.

 

Mariette was handing me my cup of tea when the door opened again and an older woman in a conservative dark green outfit entered the room. Again, no knock. I looked at Mariette and asked, "Do you understand, Mariette?" - "Yes, I understand, Lady Laura." This girl has potential.

"Good afternoon, I am expecting the captain of the guard and the person in charge of assigning the chambers in the palace for His Majesty's guests. And you are?" No matter which of the two, she should know my name. Why should I introduce myself again?

"I am Lady-in-waiting Clara de Montan and I am in charge of assigning the chambers and servants in the palace, Lady Laura." I was rewarded.

"Excellent. Court Lady de Montan, please join me for tea while we discuss the details." There's no reason why we can't all be comfortable, is there?

"Court Lady de Montan, until His Majesty finds time for my audience I require suitable accommodations. Minimally a bedroom, an attached small study with a desk, and a room to change in. I expect to be assigned at least 3 escorts, at least one of which will accompany me at all times. Plan accordingly. Since I have never been to the palace or even to Nuldur and Mitoran, I do not know what sanitary facilities such as washing facilities or toilets you have. Please explain what options you can offer me."

To say that de Montan was speechless would have got the situation pegged, indeed. However, she expertly covered that time with a sip from her cup of tea to come up with the right answer.

"I regret that I must tell you, I was not informed of your arrival, Lady Laura. At this time I am unable to assign you accommodations at the palace. I ask for your understanding, Lady Laura." the lady-in-waiting deftly maneuvered her way around a reply. As long as every path leads to my destination, however, I can work with that.

"Yes, I have already noticed that communication within the palace is not at its best, Court Lady de Montan. Most unfortunate. That must be very frustrating. You do agree with me, don't you?" before de Montan could respond to the thrown gauntlet I continued "Well. Be that as it may, that still leaves me with no accommodation. Or will His Majesty let the guests sleep on the floor? What alternatives can you offer me? Are there no accommodations in the city? I'm not overburdening you, am I? Would you perhaps like to consult with His Majesty?"

My constant questions should keep de Montan nicely off balance. And hold. Ideally, she could get me a mid-sized house in town. From there, it would be easy to go dark.

 

Unfortunately, she couldn't give me an answer before the door crashed open and a man in a fancy uniform and metal breastplate stomped into the room in a rage. That will be the captain then. Excellent.

 

Skill: Foresight learned.

 

"And I suppose you will be the captain of the guards. Your display here is nothing but embarrassing to His Majesty. Temper your vulgar, rude behavior when you are in the presence of ladies, ruffian. I demand an immediate apology or I will be justified in disciplining you!" and rose. Very thick, I know. But just at that moment he decided to do something very stupid. Slap me. Tried it.

 

Only one of the interesting things engineers learn is to recognize weak points. Admittedly, engineers then try to prevent these weak points by clever solutions or at least strengthen them in such a way that nothing breaks at the wrong moment and without warning. Every martial art is about attacking the weak points of the opponent. The human body has a surprising number of weak points that can be exploited in combat.

With fuses blown, the captain stormed toward the spot where I was standing just a fraction before, hand raised. Blind enough that he didn't notice the kick to his right knee until his leg gave way under him and his head suddenly approached the floor rapidly. I was happy to assist by giving him some extra speed as my foot stomped on his spine. Judging by the sounds he made, that hurt. Well, in any fight it is important not to stop before your opponent can't continue. If necessary, you end the fight fatally. But maybe the emotional captain still has a use for me.

I intertwined my fingers with the fingers of his sword hand and twisted his outstretched arm a good 270 degrees while he was still on the ground until I heard a loud crack and a scream. I jerked my arm up and twisted some more. The screech from the captain was very satisfying. Music.

 

Skill: Martial Arts learned.

I am not sure how to feel. Really?

 

Aunt Nadine recommended Krav Maga to me years ago for self-defense. She is adamant that fighting is not a sport. I have always found her advice wise and useful.

However, she explained to me that she makes an exception for chess. It took me years before I won my first match against her. Ahemm.

The shocked expression on the faces of the two privates and the court lady. Divine. But what is this. Do I see a little smile in Mariette's eyes? Tztztz. Apparently the evil captain allows himself dirty games with the female servants. I think I'll have my social day.

And kick the captain in the balls precisely with the tip of my boot. Silence returns as his lights go out. I know male slaves who can endure such pleasure better. Pathetic.

 

"Court Lady de Montan. Is it common practice in this palace for the captain of the guard to break down the doors of rooms, yell at noble ladies and try to beat princesses and generally rape women?" De Montan just shakes her head, struggling for words. She is visibly taken aback, probably by the captain's scandalous behavior. Certainly not by the fact that my sweet little self has just stomped this rabid bull into the ground.

"Court Lady de Montan! I demand to see His Majesty! Right now and at once. I can hardly accept that I, as a guest and a princess from another country, am not even assigned a proper place to stay. But it is outrageous that I am personally attacked by the captain of the guards. Tell His Majesty I demand satisfaction. Now go." To her credit, she tried to carry out my order as quickly as she could.

 

"Privates Holt and Geron. I apologize for the image of your captain here, which is difficult for you to bear. However, I must insist that he remain here until His Majesty arrives. We don't want to contaminate the scene."

This triggered some strange looks from the two privates. It's probably not every day that the captain sleeps it off on the floor. They both assumed postures "At your service, Lady Laura!"

 

"Mariette, little one. My tea has gone cold. Serve me a fresh cup. I apologize for the captain falling so awkwardly. I hope it doesn't bother you too much when you pour it."

With a bright smile, Mariette handed me my hot tea and replied "I'll be fine, Lady Laura. Thank you, Lady Laura."

Time for the king's appearance. I think.

 

However, I had to pass the time until then. Of course, I would have loved to jump on Mariette and show her the joys of being disciplined. Unfortunately, I will probably not have enough time for that. What a pity. I think I would have had a lot of fun with her. But better I continue the "interrogations". There is always something to learn.

 

"Well Mariette. Private Holt was kind enough to answer my questions about skills. Tell me, little maid, do your services to the palace include magic?" said the cat to the mouse.

"Oh yes, Lady Laura. I only have a small amount of water and fire magic, though. Just enough for tea, Lady Laura. Would you like me to demonstrate it for you, Lady Laura?"

So helpful, a cutie. I'm sure she'd make a good accomplice for me. An eager little minion.

"Mariette, I'm sure that's very helpful to me. I would love a demonstration of your magic." and out of a flash of inspiration I added "Mariette, can you feel another person's magic?"

"I don't know, Lady Laura." My instinct told me I was on the right track. And then I had a little inspiration. I rose from my chair and stood close behind Mariette. Her breathing accelerated deliciously. Put my hand on hers and demanded "Fill the pot with water, Mariette." and for pure fun I whispered softly in her ear "Make me proud, Mariette."

Breathing more heavily, Mariette breathed "At your service, Lady Laura." and spoke <Water. Pot. Full.>

 

Skill: Magic perception learned.

I could sense the magic.

 

Two very different states of mind were fighting inside me for first place.

First the wonderful feeling of Mariette slightly quivering pressed against me.

And then my inward outcry when I realized the spell was stammered Japanese. What a cheat. Time for a little experiment to check my guesses. And some fog.

 

"Mariette, that was a very good demonstration. You did that very well. In my country, we could not achieve something like that so easily. Unfortunately, I didn't feel any magic. Now I want to try if I learned some magic." and emptied the teapot into one of the plant pots that were decoratively spread around the room.

I feigned several unsuccessful attempts under the watchful eyes of those present - minus the still unconscious captain - before speaking as choppily as possible <Water. Pot. Half full.>

And lo and behold, the pot filled halfway with water. Experiment 1 successful.

 

Skill: Water magic learned.

 

"What a shame, only half full. I think Mariette is a little more gifted at magic than I am." Mariette seemed to melt with pride at my praise. I walked over to another plant pot and made sure to shield it with my body.

 

<Fill the pot in front of me with half a cup of red colored water.> I spoke silently in my mind. I could see something red at the bottom and poured the teapot over it.

 

Skill: Silent spellcasting learned.

Skill: Advanced water magic learned.

Experiment 2 successful. Conjectures confirmed. I could work with that.

 

Pleasantly, the captain stirred and showed us the termination of his unconsciousness. And that he was not dead. I wonder if he learned his lesson in manners toward me?

"Well Captain, now that you can give us the dubious honor of your attention. What have you to say about your outrageous behavior?" His groan turned into a low growl at my words. All right, round two is announced.

"Captain, I recommend that you just lie there until His Majesty appears and decides what to do next. Should you continue to insist on flaunting your stupidity or even be so stupid as to try to attack me again ... I will definitely find a way to make you understand your error." After those words, I wouldn't bet on the good captain's intelligence anymore.

 

…. And here he comes again! Good doggie.

Apparently in some pain, but still full of angry energy, he lifts himself off the ground and moves towards me. A smile plays around my lips as I hold my ready-to-hand pepper spray in front of his face and pull the trigger. When buying I had made sure that my can has a trigger and not a spray button to press down. If your finger is drenched with this stuff, it becomes unpleasant for you. The mist hits his eyes and nose. The screaming and howling of the captain pleasantly shakes the walls. With his hands in front of his face, he stands limping across from me. And collapses as I crush his other kneecap.

"The captain seems to me a hopeless case. Private Holt and Geron! Pick that piece of weeping filth up off the floor and put him in the chair. Mariette, fill the pot with water," I order the three of them around while I take a seat on the couch again.

The two privates hurry to place their captain on the chair and I tell Geron to support him. Not that this maggot will fall off the chair blubbering after I was so generous. Well, snot and water he howled already so.

"Mariette, wet this napkin and give it to the captain. He can wipe his face with it." "Do you understand, Captain?" I asked him nonchalantly. Unfortunately, his gurgling was unintelligible. A charge of pepper spray sometimes has that effect. But safety does come first. Especially in Japan. And in this place, of course.

"Private Holt and Geron. I know I can't give you orders regarding your captain. However, I recommend that you help him remain seated in the chair. I am afraid he may injure himself more seriously otherwise." Oh, that fearful and at the same time reverent look on their faces. Surely neither of them wants to end up on my wrong side.

The good captain, on the other hand, seems to be more made up of wounded pride than intelligence, and begins to vividly describe in truly drastic terms what all he is going to do to me. Memorable, indeed. Under no circumstances would I interrupt him in his flow of speech. Not that I could surpass his volume. Without a megaphone.

 

He just declared "I'm going to ram my cock into your toothless beaten mouth before I strangle you with my hands, you witch. I don't care if you're a guest of the King, ..." He probably would have continued blubbering if said king hadn't been standing in the doorway at that very moment. Speechless. And the royal court magician and the court lady de Montan looked as if they were about to faint together. Finally.

 

I rose from the couch, bowed curtly to the king and said, "Your Majesty, we need to talk. It seems that we have an opposite understanding of how to treat guests. Am I still a guest after all, Your Majesty, or am I already a prisoner who has been kidnapped on Your orders and will now become the plaything of Your guard before Your Captain kills me with his own hands?" The lady-in-waiting gasped and de Mitchcombe ... fainted.

The king, well Edward looked like a cow when it thunders. An intelligence-less expression and chewing grass. It didn't look like he was going to recover quickly.

 

"Now then. Before we settle these details among ourselves I want to take care of the urgent problem before my eyes. The captain of Your guard has, under witness, attacked me several times unprovoked and for no reason and has just colorfully explained to me how he intends to rape and then kill me. The detail that Your captain does not care about Your guests is none of my business. If I were in Your place, however, I would be interested in what else the captain of my guard doesn't care about." Yes, not that the good captain is disloyal at all. That sort of thing usually ends badly for kings.

"So, Your Majesty. Do I have Your permission to deal with the captain as I see fit, or do you wish to assert Your royal prerogative?"

 

"Your Majesty, I have always been loyal and always will be. I gladly submit to Your Majesty's judgment." pleaded the little coward. Of course, Edward could not leave a loyal subject to someone else.

 

"As King, We reserve the right to judge Our subjects ourselves, Lady Laura. We must oppose your request. The captain will answer to Us." Too bad, there goes my fun.

 

"We would, however, like to know what punishment Our Captain could expect from you, Lady Laura." Whoopee!

"Court Lady de Montan. Do you know what to do with bulls that are too wild but not good enough for breeding?" I asked innocently. De Montan gulped but replied, "You castrate them, Lady Laura." All the men in the room involuntarily closed their legs and held their breath. "We do it the same way at our place, Court Lady de Montan. Indeed."

 

With these words, I showed the spray can to the captain, whereupon he winced, thinking <Fill the crotch of the captain's trousers with 3 cups of lukewarm water dyed yellow and mixed with urea.>

That would probably leave a lasting impression on everyone present. Misdeed committed!

 

Title aquired: Prankster - Your tricks are not always funny.

Seems true enough.

 

I keep note of.  Edward is disgusted. The captain is devastated. Court wizard de Mitchcombe looks back and forth between Edward and the court lady in panic. The two privates look as if they want to sink into the ground with shame.The lady-in-waiting's features are frozen icy.  Mariette, on the other hand, asks me "Would you like another cup of tea, Lady Laura?" Yes, Mariette has potential. I decline the tea with thanks. It's time to have a conversation with Edward. In a manner of speaking.

 

"Your Majesty, why don't you instruct the Court Lady de Montan to find us a room with a larger table? I would be pleased if our discussion would be attended by the Court Lady de Montan, your advisors for external and internal affairs, your chamberlain, your senior general, your court magician, and the successor to your captain of the guard. We should settle our affairs without further delay. Before any more of your subjects strain matters between us. A word of caution, your majesty. I will not treat further discourtesies against my person as generously as I did with the former captain. Make up your mind, King Edward!"

 

It is said that dictatorships have short decision-making processes. Which is quite correct in my opinion. However, this says nothing about the decision-making ability of the dictator. In Edward's case, however, my speech had made him aware that he would appear weak if he did not act directly. And I was sure that he could not present his own plan so quickly.

And therefore "De Montan, take Lady Laura to the war room. De Mitchcombe find Us the proposed people. And We will pick up the crown princess. Lady Laura." Edward nodded to me and left. The lady-in-waiting and the court wizard bowed to Edward with, "At your service, Your Majesty." De Mitchcombe immediately hurried away.

 

"Mariette, Private Holt, and Geron. I thank you for your service. Should there ever be a need for a new employer, I would like to recommend myself. I found the company pleasant. Court lady de Montan, show me to the war room. Neither I nor His Majesty like to wait." I winked at Mariette as I brought up the job change, naturally earning a cute blush.

"At your service, Lady Laura." I heard in four voices. The pile of misery slid off the chair as Geron took a stance and stopped holding the maggot. Perfection.

 

The walk to the war room was pleasantly short. De Montan knew her way around the palace efficiently. I looked with interest at the military maps of the kingdom that had been set up. Especially the borders and positions to the neighbors pleased me before I sat down at the opposite side of the rectangular table.

De Montan seemed to be a bit overloaded by the whole affair and had lost sight of the important things and etiquette. Time to help her out.

 

"De Montan, I haven't eaten for some time already." I had eventually announced no longer responding generously to rudeness "Send for Mariette. Tell her to get me something to eat. Preferably something I can eat with my fingers. Cold cuts."

The lady-in-waiting recognized the signs of the times and replied on her way out, "At your service, Lady Laura."

 

I grabbed a cup from the table and thought <Fill the cup half full with water.> <Sink the temperature of the water until it is completely frozen.> <Use fire to raise the temperature of the water to half the room temperature.>

 

Skill: Ice magic learned

Skill: Fire magic learned

Too easy.

 

Frowning, I looked at the cup in my hand and took a sip of the cool water. If it's that easy for me, then I have to be very careful. The "heroes" will probably quickly get behind the mechanics. And even if we don't clash, there will be other people who are or will be a danger to me. That will definitely become a problem. Better to get over the drama here quickly and start to make myself independent.

 

Edward took his time. Unfortunately. For him. I, on the other hand, got the opportunity to make my point again. Curtain up, appearance of the advisor of the interior!

 

Before de Montan could rejoin me, a fat man in lavish clothes wheezed into the war room. Without taking the time to introduce himself he began drooling insults in my directions "Woman! What are you doing here in the war room? Get out of here right now before I instruct the guards to whip you!" I couldn't have that.

Annoyed, I rose and went around the table to him. What the heap of misery had already not liked, the fat man liked even less. The pepper spray worked wonders on his speech. What I could hear was "My eyes! It burns! Help! Help! Call the healer! Save me!" Better I let him roll around on the floor in his glory. No need to get my fingers dirty. And sat back in my chair.

 

The whining alerted de Montan. This time her panic was plain to see. She begged me "Lady Laura, what has happened here? Why is Baron Natal lying on the ground? Is he hurt?"

"De Montan, I had already told His Majesty that I would no longer be generous about rudeness. To humiliate me and have me whipped by the guard meets that offense. Or am I mistaken, de Montan?" I chided her.

"However, I see the wisdom in your remaining here from now on until His Majesty arrives and introducing me to new arrivals. Leave the baron on the floor. His Majesty can decide what to do with him. Do you understand, de Montan?"

"Yes, Lady Laura." She tried desperately to ignore the whining baron. She just about succeeded.

 

Just a few minutes later, my instruction saved the next advisor from a similar fate. De Montan introduced "Lady Laura, I introduce you to Count Hiber. Advisor for external affairs. Count Hiber, I introduce to you Lady Laura. Please take a seat and ignore the Baron. His Majesty will decide what will happen to him."

Count Hiber wanted to help his colleague up but was stopped by de Montan. "Count Hiber." while shaking her head in denial. Count Hiber bowed politely to me and sat down. Wise of him.

 

The next arrival, the chamberlain, refused to be saved by de Montan. She just managed "Lady Laura, I present Baron de Kurdal ..." before the Baron insisted on helping his dear colleague Natal and cursing me as the originator. It goes without saying that I let him understand the workings of a spray can most apparently.

"De Montan, by now I can kind of sympathize with how you have to struggle with these problems on a daily basis. It must be simply unbearable. How can King Edward allow such parasites to be near him? Terrible," I showed my sympathy.

Count Hiber had big eyes. But wisely he said nothing. As I said smart.

 

To my relief, Mariette arrived with a tray covered with appetizers. "Thank you very much, Mariette. Stand by in case I need anything else." - "I am completely at your service, Lady Laura." I should reward that much eagerness. Purr.

 

General Rammder and Captain Klien arrived with Edward and the Crown Princess. That's what I call being lucky to be late. I rose and this time nodded curtly to Edward "Your Majesty." He's not in control of his people, after all. De Montan introduced me to the general and the captain and informed Edward about the missteps of both his barons. Edward was by now visibly stunned. Apparently, half of his closest aides had nothing to do but annoy me, turn into misery, and embarrass him. The crown princess was struggling with how to react to me. But don't worry, I also trample on girls should they not behave. Equality and equal treatment.

 

The apparent absence of de Mitchcombe alerted me in time that something was wrong. Feverishly I thought about what I could do to find him, I was sure he was in the room with us. To my shame, I could only think of one trick.

<Show me every heartbeat inside this room on a head up display.>

 

Skill: Vampire heartbeat tracking learned.

Embarrassing, I know. Movie Knowledge.

 

But the success justifies the means. There are 4 other people in the room that I could not perceive. Two next to Edward, one next to the Crown Princess, and one person behind me. Pretty good trap. And I would have fallen into it if de Mitchcombe had been visible to me.

I had an idea. But for that I would need precision. Cross your fingers for me.

 

<Define the temperature at which liquid water freezes as 0 degrees Celsius and the evaporation of water as 100 degrees Celsius.>

<Drop the air temperature in this room by 5 degrees Celsius.>

 

Skill: Temperature control learned.

 

That had to be enough for the time being.

It got noticeably cooler in the room. Time for some uncertainty.

 

"Mariette, is the window behind me tightly closed?" - "Lady Laura, there is no window behind you." the chick replied, confused. "Strange. I could swear there was air moving in my back." Air actually always moves, so very true. The heartbeat behind me, on the other hand, was moving quickly away from me.

For the sake of drama, I tracked the person with my gaze and looked at the new location with a furrowed brow before shrugging my shoulders in an actor-like fashion and turning to face my audience. The heartbeat calmed only slowly. To enhance the effect, I quickly turned back around and fixed the spot. And turned around again.

 

<Fill the crotch of the pants of the person behind me with a cup of lukewarm water, dyed yellow and mixed with urea.>

 

I sighed theatrically and remarked "It feels like the old captain is standing behind me. It even smells a little strong." The NEW captain slowly relaxed again, but looked as if he was uncomfortable. Somehow. Good, at least he didn't seem incompetent. My four invisibles should be on his account. I wonder what job he had before ... or has?

 

"Mariette, take the tray and wait outside the door. It would be rude if I ate during our discussion. I don't want to start a war if I can help it." THAT produced a reaction from Edward, his general, and the captain. Count Hiber showed no emotion. I wonder if he had any training as a diplomat.

"Lady Laura, why are you talking about going to war?" turned General Rammder to me and then looked at Edward.

"General Rammder, you seem to be extremely ill-informed. I am beginning to doubt whether this kingdom will survive much longer if no one is able to do their job efficiently. Edward, why don't you enlighten your people as to why war is possible? You don't need to hold back with the details, I assume they are palace talk by now." No longer addressing Edward in the pluralis majestatis generated further reaction. Edward looked resigned, the crown princess looked at me with her mouth open, and the rest turned pale.

 

After waiting a minute for Edward's response, I decided I'd better tell the story myself. "Well, General Rammder. I was kidnapped at the king's orders by the royal court wizard de Mitchcombe. After that, I was physically assaulted several times by the former captain of the palace guard in the presence of witnesses after he forcibly gained access to my rooms. Subsequently threatened with mass rape by the palace guards, physical mutilation and my murder by the said captain. As if that were not enough, Baron Natal wanted to have me whipped by the palace guards and Baron de Kurdal cursed me. Shall I also enumerate all the insults and rudenesses? However, I do not consider these to be casus belli. The only reason we are not yet at war, General Rammder, is because I refuse to accept that my parents and grandparents are dead. And yes, until that time, I forbid anyone present to address me in the pluralis majestatis. It is one thing to kidnap a princess but a queen? A queen would rip the heart out of that kingdom and disembowel it. The male nobles would be publicly castrated and the female nobles slaves in my service. Do you understand now why I speak of war, Rammder?"

 

The breathless consternation after my little explanation warmed my heart. Rammder hurried to signal intimidated agreement with me.

Yes even for his subjects Edward had ridden himself deep into the crap. Poor Edward.

 

"Crown Princess Victoria. If a foreign king had you kidnapped, tell me what would you demand? Or does that happen so often in this world that it's no big deal and is swept under the rug as a "goof"? Tell me what do you think is appropriate?"

 

The princess looked like a deer in headlights. Too bad for you, but Dad brought you along. A good reason why I can use you to my advantage.

She buckled under the pressure "We would demand a large sum in gold and concessions. Or make war, Lady Laura."

 

"Edward. Do you want war? If so we can begin at noon tomorrow. Alternatively, I demand a sum of 50,000 gold as compensation for my kidnapping, another 30,000 gold for the threatened desecration, mutilation and murder by your palace guards. 15,000 gold for the threatened flogging and 5,000 gold for the other insults by your subjects. In addition, a letter of recommendation to all guilds and the status of diplomat. Choose!"

 

Maybe I exaggerated a little bit, however, this was about MY kidnapping, rape and murder. I'm allowed to get a little emotional about that. Edward, unfortunately, was not yet convinced that meeting my demands would be the best way out of his dilemma. Time for a little more pressure.

 

<Collect under the soles of the shoes of each person present in the room half a cup of water with a temperature of 0.1 degrees Celsius.>

<Lower the room temperature to the freezing point of water within 15 seconds.>

 

"Edward, in a well-known saga where I come from, the sorcerer-king once said:"

I intoned in my best bass voice

[ Shre nazg golugranu kilmi-nudu

Ombi kuzddurbagu gundum-ishi

Nugu gurunkilu bard gurutu

Ash Burz-Durbagu burzum-ishi

Daghburz-ishi makha gulshu darulu ]²Sigh. Again try tengwar font.

 

The mood in the room became spooky all at once. Especially our "Four" were a bit excited. Something like that can happen when your shoes freeze. Granted, if the light had darkened, the scene would have been even more impressive. Next time.

 

Skill: Black magic learned.

Curse, that's cool!

 

The invisible four apparently lost their cool and became visible.

With bafflement and slight irritation, I asked "May I assume that these men are guards and not assassins, Edward?" It's amazing what can be done with a little training in the art of acting after all.

I was pleased how quickly the captain reacted. His hand shot up with his palm open and gruffly commanded "Halt!" My four shadows became motionless. Gotcha!

 

I lowered my forehead into my palms. Moved my head slowly back and forth repeatedly and sighed "Edward, Edward, Edward.  What's the matter with you? Do I have to demand the hand of the Crown Princess and ask you to abdicate in order to rule here as Queen myself so that some competence will return?" The Crown Princess is more than alarmed under my calculating gaze, clearly understanding the implications of my words.

Edward? Edward was broken and gave up.

 

Skill: Negotiation learned.

Title acquired: Sly Dog - When negotiating, you bamboozle everyone.

 

I got my gold, my recommendation letter, and my status as a diplomat. The princess got a peck on the cheek and a whisper, "I tried, I'm sorry, beauty."

Keeping as many options open as possible. Right?

Oh, almost forgot, I took Mariette with me. Her services were wasted at the palace.

 

And I had an urgent need of a bed warmer.

 

Aquired titles:

Language Talent

[NEW] Prankster

[NEW] Sly Dog

 

Aquired Skills:

[NEW] Unit conversion

[NEW] Interrogation

[NEW] Foresight

[NEW] Martial arts

[NEW] Magic perception

[NEW] Water magic

[NEW] Silent spellcasting

[NEW] Advanced Water Magic

[NEW] Ice magic

[NEW] Fire magic

[NEW] Vampire heartbeat tracking

[NEW] Temperature Control

[NEW] Black Magic

[NEW] Negotiation

Concealment

Polite Speaking

Misdirection

Deception

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