10 The Only Woman He Had Loved
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Laryana heaved a sigh of relief when they finally stepped out of the estate. Clinging to Ying Zhen had calmed her nerves somewhat but it couldn’t change the terrible things to see inside. Coupled with the final confirmation of what had happened to her master, she wanted nothing more than to leave this place.

Unfortunately for her, Ying Zhen hadn’t let go yet and started to make his back to the entrance of the building. He looked around while he followed the familiar street, his gaze nostalgic.

How long had it been since he had been here? This was the city he had grown up in, the one where he had met Chun Hua and finally fallen in love. It had been millennia since he last set foot into this place but he still remembered every single house just like he had remembered all of the people he had seen lie dead on the ground.

On that day, the gods had killed every last person that was part of Chun Hua’s family or had been a guest at her wedding. They hadn’t touched a single other person in the city though. Clearly, this had been a targeted attack, although he wasn’t sure why, not even now.

Finally, they reached the corner of the house. From here, you could see the entrance with everyone coming and going. Back then, he had stood here as well and watched as people came one after the other with bright smiles on the lips and servants carrying gifts behind them.

Only when the last one had entered had he turned around and left, not wanting to be part of those festivities. Anyway, he hadn’t thought that he would have been welcome. Even now, he doubted it. Even if he tried, he might have been turned away. At the very least, that was what he had always told himself.

Now though, he had already left the world of the living and he didn’t need to 'live' with the decision he had made back then. At the very least, that was what he assumed. Now, it was time to give it a try.

Ying Zhen walked the last steps until he stood in front of the entrance, the blood-soaked steps right in front of him. Then, he just stared.

Laryana glanced up at him, of half a mind to ask what he was doing. Hadn’t he been rushing about before? Then why was he suddenly just standing still, not doing or saying anything?

At the last moment, she held back though. This was his soul path. He had to find out how to traverse it and how to deal with it. Also, he had taken time to dispel her doubts. Even though she might not have liked what she heard, she was grateful. She should not hold any more demands. If he needed more time here, she had to accept that. Anyway, it wasn’t like it could change. People healed from the injuries of the past at their own pace.

Actually, Ying Zhen didn’t want to waste time either. He was merely lost as to how to continue. He knew what he wanted but he didn’t know how to achieve it.

Right now, the estate in front of them looked exactly the same way it had looked when they first arrived. If he stepped inside, he would see the bodies of the servants on the ground, and further in those of Chun Hua and her guests. But that wasn’t what he wanted to see.

He closed his eyes and thought of what he instead wanted to see: The estate how it had been before that attack, the very same morning he had passed by this door but not gone in. The staircase was still clean, the stone almost sparkling in the sun after all the preparations that had been done. The only red on the scene were the ribbons that had been hung over the door, a sign of the festivities that would soon commence inside.

Next to him, Laryana suddenly gave a sound of surprise.

He might not have seen but she had: In the sky above them, the clouds stopped drifting, and then, the wind stopped as well. Time itself seemed to be holding its breath.

It was magnificent to see but terrifying at the same time and she couldn’t help but once again think of Heidan. This kind of thing, he also could have done it. She wasn’t sure if another soul would have been able to do so. She doubted it though. No, something was special about Ying Zhen.

While she thought of this, her heart pounding heavily, the wind picked up but it was blowing from the other direction, the clouds drifted back where they had come from, and even the light seemed to change. The clouds turned dark as did the sky and night fell, the stars and the moon shimmering above their heads.

Laryana stared in wonder but by then, night had already passed, dusk fell and lifted, the day arrived and soon, dawn came.

Ying Zhen cracked his eyes open and his lips curved up in a smile. Well, for once, things were actually going in his favor. The estate had indeed reverted back to the state he imagined. Now, he could only hope that things would be the same inside.

He took a step but then turned back to Laryana, holding out his hand.

She stared at him, hesitating for a moment but then reached out after all, putting her hand in his. She wasn’t sure what had just happened. The blood had receded which she had thought might be a sign that his regret over this matter had lessened as well but that didn’t seem to be the case. Not after everything else she had seen and not if Ying Zhen wanted to go back inside. Well, she just hoped it would be just as nice inside. She really wasn’t sure if she could take that bloody sight even one more time.

Ying Zhen looked at the dainty hand and for a moment, there were some thoughts swirling through his mind, some questions that he would have liked to answer. But right now, it really wasn’t the right time to do so. No, he had to wait. First, he needed to finish this part of his soul path. Then afterward, when they were just walking forward until they got to the next part, then he could ask her.

Making up his mind, he turned around to lead her inside. There were other guests currently arriving as well. Among them, there was the woman Laryana had seen at the foot of the staircase to the courtyard. She was laughing when she met an acquaintance at the door.

Ying Zhen’s gaze followed her but he didn’t bother to greet her. This was the actual day of the event, an alternative reality of what could have been. But surely, if this had happened, he would not have arrived happy. No, he would have come begrudgingly and not in the mood for idle talk.

He hesitated for a moment before he turned to Laryana. "This day, it was her wedding day."

"What?" Laryana looked up, her expression one of confusion. "But didn’t you say …" She trailed off, not sure what to make of this.

He had called her 'the only woman I ever loved' and she had somehow assumed she should have been his wife or his fiancee or at least some kind of lover that he intended to marry. But if this was her wedding day and he had not been here, then clearly, she had married somebody else. It did not want to seem to make sense to her.

She might not know Ying Zhen well but he resembled her master closely and he was here to save his people so he had to have a noble heart. She had a hard time imagining how any woman he fancied would not be thrilled.

Ying Zhen noticed her gaze and stopped in his steps. This wasn’t the first time she was looking at him like this and, to be honest, that kind of gaze could make a man’s blood boil. It was a mystery to him though. Clearly, when she spoke to him, there was no passion, no feelings. In fact, she only ever seemed emotional when it concerned the high god Heidan. Her feelings for him … there were none.

Ying Zhen grappled with that thought for a moment. Trying to think about himself objectively, he didn’t think he was a good catch. Yes, he was not bad-looking, in fact, he would have described himself as handsome. He was also strong, something valued among their people who had lived in times of war for much too long.

But at the same time, he was a soldier, somebody who would rush out to the battlefield to serve their people in this way. The woman who married him had to expect to become a widow soon enough. He couldn’t imagine many that wanted this.

Now, Laryana clearly had no idea about such things but she was so far removed from the world of the living that thoughts of romance might never cross her mind. Her gaze … who knew what it meant? He’d be doing both of them a favor if he didn’t think about it any further.

He turned back to the front and instead explained the situation to her. "We never were a couple if you wanted to ask that. I love her but I never even confessed. I assume she would have guessed at my feelings though."

"Why didn’t you confess?" She didn’t know much about those things but she remembered her master and Lady Xingula confessing their feelings for each other. They had both seemed so happy, she couldn’t imagine why a person might hold feelings for another one but not give voice to them. It sounded like torturing yourself.

Ying Zhen took a deep breath, not sure if he even wanted to have this conversation anymore. But then, he couldn’t expect her help if he gave nothing in return. At the very least, he had to be honest with her. "It is not that I didn’t want to. On the contrary, I very much wanted to confess and ask her if she could see a future with me. But the circumstances were never right.

"Chun Hua came from a well-established family while I … was not that important. My family wasn’t bad but couldn’t quite compare. Even if she had said yes in the beginning, her parents would have refused on those grounds alone.

"I thought that I could change those circumstances if I climbed the ranks in the military so I focused on that. There was less time with her because of that though. I thought it was worth it because, at the same time, I could feel the distance between us close. There was a chance they would have accepted me by then.

"By the time I had decided that I had prepared everything so that I could go ahead and confess to her before asking her parents for their blessing, there was a big battle ahead of us.

"I figured that if I confessed but then left and never made it back, I would have done her a disfavor and burdened her with the knowledge of what could have been. Even if she ever fell in love with somebody else, she might always ask herself whether I would forgive her for that. That wasn’t something I wanted for her so I waited again.

"By the time I returned though, there were already wedding preparations being done. Clearly, I waited too long. Somebody else was faster. I will never know whether Chun Hua would have been willing to marry me if I had just asked sooner, I will also never know if she ever held feelings for me. Maybe it was all my one-sided affection, Who knows?"

He shook his head and turned to Laryana, his gaze brushing over her face and figure. "Well, no matter what, I missed the chance to have her become my wife. Maybe that also contributed to her end but it might have been something else entirely. I don’t know.

"In any case, this here was her wedding day. Since the illusions are pretty real, I guess we should also treat them as real. As such, it wouldn’t do for me as her suitor to arrive without company. I hope you won’t mind." With that, he motioned toward the door, clearly intending to take her along as his 'company'.

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