Every seven years, the Parians capture a stranger and sacrifice him in their Temple of Blood. They take a goodly youth and scourge him until he dies. His blood is used to bake their ceremonial cakes every winter.
—Axel Thiele’s “Against Parian Settlements,” quoted by Sven Nisse

Gitte

“Who do I have to fuck to get a drink around here?” said Commander Sariel.

He was always saying dramatic things like that. One might be forgiven for thinking that Commander Sariel’s smile meant that he was joking, but I wasn’t fooled by his lighthearted tone. Commander Sariel was quite unamused. That was my cue to go to the pantry as quietly as I could and prepare his favorite drink. I poured black coffee into a cup until the bottom could no longer be seen, then I added schnapps until the bottom could be seen again. Commander Sariel drinks this deadly concoction of pure caffeine and alcohol only when he’s really upset about something. I returned with the cup and silently placed it directly in front of him on his desk.

Commander Sariel spent the next 30 minutes slowly sipping his drink, feet up on his desk and staring moodily at Kraej City’s perpetually grey skies covered in haze. He only came out of his funk when the phone rang. It was Commander Uriel calling, and I patched him through right away like I always do. I could hear bits and pieces of Commander Sariel’s part of the conversation.

“You should have told me...When would that...I think you’ll find that...bah... Angels are overrated...No...That’s too… Earlier, of course…”

Thank goodness. He sounded more like his usual jaded self now. Commander Uriel could usually be relied on to cheer the other Commanders up. A few minutes later, Commander Sariel pressed the button that made a buzzing sound on my desk, signaling his desire to see me in his office.

“Ah, Gitte, you’re just the person Uriel and I need!” he said. “Tell me, where is the nearest high-end lingerie store?”

“Sir, it’s Bertel’s at the corner of ninth and seventy,” I replied after checking my map and store directory.

“What? No, I meant lingerie for women,” said Commander Sariel.

Female lingerie? Has the Commander been exploring the other side of his sexuality? It was probably just a prank of some sort. I checked my map/directory book again. “That would be Troublemaker on Rohde street.”

“Great. Get ready, Uriel and I will need you to accompany us there at noon.”

Noon was my lunch break. I would need to wolf down a sandwich instead of taking a break, but Commander Sariel would tip me for my trouble, of course. Commander Sariel was now downright bubbly. Was he really looking forward to it this much? He must be planning a truly epic prank.

Commander Uriel arrived a few minutes before noon. He was always very punctual, unlike some people I could mention. It only took us five minutes to get to the lingerie store. I realized that I’d made a mistake when we got there because Troublemaker’s window display had no merchandise on display. All it showed was a stylized etching of a voluptuous woman’s silhouette in red. The reason was readily apparent once we entered the store.

They did sell lingerie and it did look very expensive and high-end. There were lots of lace, frills, and sheer materials, but there were also lots of leather, latex, and chains. In short, it was a fetish underwear store.

“This is perfect!” said Commander Sariel as he held aloft a shiny black crotchless thong. “Do you have this in an extra small size?”

“Put that down!” said Commander Uriel. “Seraph will murder you if you try to give her that.”

“Only because Seraph wants to be the only one to give her sexy underwear!” said Commander Sariel. “I bet he’d love to see her in this.”

Commander Seraph? Was he to be the unlucky person that Commander Sariel was going to prank? Commander Sariel put the thong down, but he kept looking at even more outlandish things. Commander Uriel sighed and turned to me, saying, “Gitte, can you find some normal lingerie?”

“Yes, sir,” I said. Surely Troublemaker had a few conventional pieces in stock. I managed to unearth a pretty blush pink lingerie set. Commander Sariel whistled when he saw what I was holding. The set included a cage bra, panties, fishnet stockings, garter belt, suspenders, and waist cincher. It was absurdly sexy, but it was fairly normal, at least for this store. It was the only set with no slits, cut-outs, zippers, or see-through fabric in embarrassing places.

“That will do,” said Commander Uriel.

“I can’t wait to see the look on his face!” said Commander Sariel, convulsing in laughter. “We need the bottom bits in extra small, but the bra should be…”

“Don’t look at me, how would I know?” said Commander Uriel when Commander Sariel looked at him as though asking for his opinion.

“Miss, the person in question has…” Commander Sariel turned to the store clerk and used both his hands to make a cupping gesture in front of his chest, wordlessly indicating generously-sized breasts. The clerk came back with bras in different sizes and both Commanders picked the size they thought was the right one.

With magnificent indifference, the Commanders ignored the other customers and clerks stealing glances at us as they whispered and giggled to each other. I prayed that the inevitable lurid tabloid stories tomorrow about the Commanders buying fetish underwear wouldn’t mention me.

“Is this really necessary?” asked Commander Uriel.

“The poor child needs clean clothing from the skin up!” said Commander Sariel. He added mischievously, “I’m just being thoughtful. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.”

Will she really? I wondered who this mystery woman was and how she was connected to the three Commanders. I coughed discreetly. “Sirs, you do know that women don’t wear underwear straight off the rack, right? This needs to be washed first.”

“Good idea,” said Commander Uriel. “If you could please…”

“Certainly sir, I’ll get it done,” I said.

“Before the end of the workday,” said Commander Sariel. “And I’ll be shopping for dresses that will need to be washed, too.”

“Yes, sir,” I said.

“I can’t believe I went lingerie shopping for a girl I’m not even sleeping with,” said Commander Uriel.

“Why don’t you two finish up here while I go dress shopping for the little angel?” said Commander Sariel.

“Fine by me,” said Commander Uriel.

Commander Sariel left while we stayed to finish buying the lingerie. Commander Uriel wanted to buy multiple sets in all the available colors in case, I quote, “she doesn’t like pink.” Hmm, who could “she” be?

As we left the store, I realized that my worst fears had come true. Cameras flashed and the paparazzi were undoubtedly able to capture pictures of Commander Uriel and me exiting Troublemaker carrying several shopping bags. Back at the office, I made an offhand remark to Commander Sariel about warning me the next time he pranks Commander Uriel because I suspected I knew who tipped the paparazzi off.

I hope Commander Sariel’s prank was worth the trouble we went to since the tabloid stories the next day were as trashy as I feared. The staff and EL soldiers greatly enjoyed reading the front pages of the three major tabloids which were covered in pictures of Commander Uriel coming out of the lingerie store, as well photographs of models in underwear. The tabloid headlines were: “What’s Got Uriel’s Knickers in a Twist? EL Soldier’s Sexy Secret Past Revealed!” “Commander Comes Undie Fire for Alleged Ties to Lingerie Smuggling Ring” and “BUSTED! Which Double DD Porn Star is Uriel Dating Now?”

In other words, it was just another day in the office for Commander Sariel.

LinMeili

• Why were Sariel and Uriel buying underwear?
• I tried to make the tabloid headlines are stupid and weird as I could. I think I succeeded too well. Are they too weird?
• Thank you very much for reading!