CHAPTER 14:

THE EULOGY

*

"We are gathered here today in the passing of sir Steve…" The mournful voice of the bandit boss reverberated through the silent night. Beside him, the two other bandits stood solemnly, hands on their chests, their faces full of sorrow. Behind them was Steve, who had been put lying face up, with a bouquet of wildflowers on his chest. Oh, and his pants were also pulled up and tightly zipped.

"...But not to mourn, but to celebrate the life of a great man. Sir Steve, who might not have been famous or rich…" The boss continued.

"Or smart", "Or popular with girls", the two other bandits chipped in.

"But he was an inspiration to us all, having lived his life to the fullest.

Oh we shall forever remember the deeds you've done for us. Like that night one summer, when you went to the town's bathhouse, forgot your glasses, accidentally walked into the women's side and got beaten by both the female and male customers.

"Because we couldn't tell you at the time that we also contributed in the beating since otherwise we'd be suspicious of being your companions, so I, on behalf of our friends, offer our most sincere apology to you.

"...And our thanks, because it did feel pretty good." The boss admitted.

"Also there was that one time, when you broke into a house and was discovered immediately by the owners and their neighbors." The full bearded bandit spoke. "We could never forgive ourselves for being the ones who alerted them so that they'd all run after you, leaving their houses vulnerable for us to steal from.

"Furthermore, the reason why my yield for this month was so high is that half of that money was what I stole from your stash before you had a chance to count it. And although it was also your fault for putting such a stupidly easy password on your safe, I hope you'll forgive me, since forgiving means being virtuous and that would grant you a ticket to heaven." He said in tears. 

"...The password was one to nine, by the way." He added.

"I'm sure he will forgive you, John", the boss told the full bearded bandit.

"W-Will he?"

"Yes. Just like he will definitely forgive me. Because I also took from his stash…once every month for the last two years. In fact, I was the one who suggested that password to him. I told him, "the easiest password is the most secure, because nobody would be stupid enough to actually use it. And he took that advice to heart. What a dumbfu…I mean generous man..."

While the bandits were speaking, there suddenly were movements behind them. Steve, who was supposedly dead, turned his body listlessly as he slowly opened his eyes. Grunting, pushing himself up, he noticed that the people who he considered friends were standing in front of him and speaking.

"Hey, what are you doing in front of me?" He called them, but either because his voice was too weak or they were ignoring him, his companions didn't respond.

So, forcing himself to stand up, he leaned close to them and tried to capture their attention. "Oi, you hear me?"

"...Steve? Is that you?" And he was heard, as the other three were startled. But they still didn't turn around. Instead, they looked up at the sky, their eyes flickering as tears fell down their cheeks. "Oh how foolish I am, I keep hearing his voice even though he is long gone…" John the full bearded bandit wept.

"Me too. That goes to show how much we love him. Because to us, he has never left, but still lives on inside our hearts." The boss said, wiping his eyes.

"...Forever?" The mustached bandit asked.

"Yes, forever…"

"Oi, what the hell are you talking about? Why are you acting as if I'm dead? I'm still here! HEY!!!"

"Oh, why is his voice in our head still feels so near and full of life…" John said.

"THAT'S BECAUSE I'M ALIVE ASSHOLES!!!" They heard a deafening scream from behind. Which did little to help Steve.

"Even this scream I'm hearing, which I'm sure is just from my brain making things up, reminds me so much of my memories of him…" The mustached bandits contemplated. 

"Do you guys remember the story I just told you about how Steve met Viella? When he was attacked by the dog he screamed just like this, a terrified little girl... I mean like king Leonidas when he said "THIS IS SPARTA!"...Wait a minute wrong universe, nevermind."

"I didn't scream you bitch! Well I did, but that was from surprise, okay! And I shouted like a man, not screamed!" Steve's voice continued to be lost between the bandit's.

"In fact, half the reason why Viella decided to help Steve was, in her words, "Because I heard the noise of two dogs fighting, and one of them was whimpering so pitifully." The other half was because she found him looking like an old bloodied rag, laughed so hard to the point of feeling guilty. And the next day she told all her friends, which is why now the whole village knows, including me." The mustached bandit revealed.

"What? But she told me she helped me because I looked handsome and kind! She never mentioned any of that to me before?!"

"And by the way, she already has a fiance. The only reason why she was letting Steve approach her was because his pick-up lines were so stupid and corny they made her laugh. "I get to watch a clown every day without needing to pay", she said."

"Really? We thought you said they were getting on well with one another?" The two other bandits were confused at the words of the mustached bandit.

"Oh pleaseee! There's no way in hell she'd ever fall for him. Even I cringed at his performances. She'd be insane to like such a dumb, tactless, corny, awkward, bonehead, imbecile, village idiot, twaBURGH???" The mustached bandit was spouting insults after insults when he was suddenly punched in the cheek from behind, which made all the three bandits turn around, and found Steve looking like an overheating stove.

"S-Steve??? But how? We thought you're deaBURGH?!!" He got hit again.

"Dead my ass! What kind of special idiot would announce someone as dead, without bothering to CHECK THEIR PULSE???" Steve yelled loud enough that the whole forest shook and the birds fled. Incidentally, somewhere in the distance there was a sound of a tree branch cracking and something falling down into some bush, but Steve was too angry and the rest of the bandits too surprised by his appearance to notice.

In the meantime, the full bearded bandit, John, who was the one that said Steve was dead, gasped with eyes wide open as if he had just learned the truth of the universe. "Wait…you can do that?!" He exclaimed.

"Of course you can, you dunce!!! It's common sense to check one's pulse and attempt CPR on an unconscious person! What are you, some kind of illiterate bandit who has never attended school a single day in their life?!! Oh…"

"S-So...that means you're alive?" The three bandits shakily asked Steve.

"What? Isn't it obvious enough to you pig brained idiots? Or do you want another fist in your face to confirm it? And not to mention you assholes had the audacity to badmouth me DURING MY EULOGY?!! I-EUGHH!??" Steve's rage was interrupted by the sound of a man's bulky, rough and sweaty chest hitting his face. 

""STEVE!!!" He had been suddenly enveloped by the three crying bandits, as if he was a soldier coming home after months on duty, being welcomed by a heartfelt hug from his loving fiance - who, in this case, were muscular men.

"STOP! GET OFF ME! I'm gonna kill the sons of bitches who stole my money-GET OFF! I CAN'T BREATHE!!! Which one of you smells like they haven't bathed for a year?! My nose!!! AHHHHH!!" In Steve's mind, he thought he had actually died, and was currently being tortured in hell by the cruelest of demons.

"Steve! We were so devastated when we thought you died! How could you have tricked us like this? Aren't we friends forever?" John cried, rubbing his face full of beard on Steve's.

"I seriously thought we were never going to see you again! How could you be so cruel to my feelings, even after all that we've been through together?" The mustached bandit was hugging Steve's arm like an overly attached girlfriend who had just been dumped.

"Steve, I-we are disappointed in you. Playing with others' feelings is something only the worst of the worst scums on Aethrya can think of. Do you see the emotional consequences of your actions which your friends are suffering right now?

"Tell me, Steve, are you a human, or a monster?" The boss sternly lectured him, his hand tightly gripped Steve's shoulder like a saddened father.

...Without realizing the person in question is being suffocated and squeezed to death by means of physical and biological weapons.

And also, not a single one of them noticed that a figure had just emerged from a bush behind them, body covered in leaves and twigs, veins popping on their forehead, who was stomping their feet towards them. The figure approached the boss, violently pulled him away so strongly that he fell backwards, before doing the same to the other two bandits. 

Thus revealed Steve, blue from head to toes and gasping for air. *Cough, *cough* "You...you saved me…" He tried to thank that person for rescuing him from impending death, but was only able to get half the sentence out of his throat before his left cheek felt a burning sensation and his head was forcefully spun to the left.

*Slap* Then it was his right cheek that experienced the same pain.

*Slap* Then the left again. *Slap* Then the right. *Slap* Left. *Slap* Right. *Slap slap slap…*

The act continued for a solid five minutes, during which Steve looked like a bobblehead on a car that was driving through a road full of rocks, whose head was getting increasingly bigger…

After the figure was finally done, Steve was dropped on the ground like a dead fish, and the figure turned to where they had thrown the three other bandits...who were watching them with great interest, hands sharing an extra large tub of popcorn, eyes wearing cheap paper 3D glasses.

The moment they were discovered, they hurriedly threw the half finished tub and the glasses away. "Wh-Who are you and what are you doing to our beloved Ste...ve?" The bandits pointed their indexes at the figure and tried to cover their action by confronting them, but then immediately petrified on the spot with their mouth agape. 

Because what they saw was either a goddess - or the most beautiful demon to have ever existed. Wearing black skin-tight leather clothes, her perfect body shape could make any girl cry blood. Her face was more beautiful than anyone could ever imagine, and was totally devoid of any blemish - an impossibility unless she was not of the mortal world. Furthermore, her short straight black hair, her annoyed face gave an air of authority that made the men gulped. 

"I'm here to beat the crap out of the four idiots who wasted my time." Said she, angrily. Yet, as her irritated voice made the bandits shake in fear, it gave rise to another, rather inexplicable feeling inside them - what they (and you, too) couldn't comprehend or resist.

*

SoggySpaghetti

So currently and for the next two months I have to work 12 hours a day, well  past midnight. Do I find it acceptable? Of course I do. Why? Because my boss said it is, and who am I to judge? It's not like she is the rope keeping me from becoming broke and homeless...Ha...Haha...