Chapter 15: It Is Perfectly Acceptable To Kill Someone If They Pissed You Off
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CHAPTER 15:

IT IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE TO KILL SOMEONE IF THEY PISSED YOU OFF

*

Looking at the clown show ahead made me conclude that these four mentally handicapped individuals posed no danger to me. Rather, the only thing they did was pissing me off. Give me back my sense of guilt god damn it I was worried I'd go to jail!

So without bothering to hide anymore, I proceeded to walk straight towards them, grabbed the one responsible for giving me a heart attack and slapped the soul out of him. Ooh, that felt good! After I was done with him, I turned around with the intention of knocking the rest of the bandits out and tying them up.

However, they were currently…standing as still as a statue, with eyes wide open, staring right at me as if I was an alien whose ship had just crash landed right in front of them. On the other hand, I didn't move either because I had no intention of attacking first.

Hey, if I had to go to court then I want to claim self defense, okay, stop yelling. Oh, but the fact that I beat Steve up is bothering you? It's fine, he deserved it, I'm sure the judge will understand.

So we just sorta locked eyes at each other like an unintended staring contest, until I finally ran out of patience and spoke while snapping my fingers. "Oi, earth to bandits. Could you people stop standing there like a bunch of stoners and do something? What, playing clowns isn't enough for you, so now you guys are switching to mimes? Is this Aethrya's got talent?"

As if my words were like water pouring on their heads, the bandits shook themselves off their apparent daze, switching their gazes to one another, then to the boss. He nodded, seemingly having understood what the rest of the group was trying to convey and stepped forward, walking towards me.

I immediately put on guard, preparing for interception. My left hand was placed on the throwing knives holster, my right grabbing my dagger. As he came nearer, I lowered my body, sliding my left foot back, ready to dash forth at any moment.

The bandit boss also lowered his body with every step he took, to the point where his head was about the same level as my chest, even though he was a head taller than me. Then he stopped, half a meter from me, and lowered his head. Taking that as a sign he was about to attack, I unsheathed my dagger and knives, ready to throw and slash.

But suddenly, he took a kneel, which took me aback. What kind of stance is that? I was confused, thinking if to distract the enemy was his purpose, then he actually did a good job. Then, slowly looking up at me, he put his left hand on his chest and raised his right arm near my chin, palm up. Then with the most heartfelt facial expression he could muster, he softly whispered to me:

"Please marry me."

"..."

"What?" - was all I could say. My body was frozen solid. My ears were ringing. I thought I heard the sound of metal dropping on the ground near my feet, and my hands were empty. Did this person just propose to me??? Why?

*Bang!* My train of thought was cut off by the sound of two solid objects colliding. The mustached bandit had just thrown his shoe at his own boss's head, making him slam his face on the ground.

"What the hell do you think you're doing??? We were telling you to kidnap the girl, not propose to her?!!" He yelled. Yeah, tell him! Oh wait, the other option was worse, nevermind.

"I...have changed." The boss, contrary to my belief that he'd get angry, didn't, and instead put his hands together as if about to pray.

"Wut?" The mustached bandit almost slipped stepping on his own foot.

"I realized that I have sinned. For years I have plundered, stolen, kidnapped, all for the promise of coins. I was blinded, led astray by the demon of gold, who I had always foolishly worshipped.

"But no more will it torment me again! For there is a saint, a goddess, who has swept away its grasp, and presented me with a new light! She has given me hope, and now I swear I shall worship her, and only her, o she who stands before me!" He preached while bowing to me repeatedly.

"..."

"..."

"..."

Everybody fell silent, staring at him with half an eye. Even his own companions were making disgusted faces. However, their expressions were lost in the boss's eyes as he continued to throw nonsense out of his mouth.

"I promise you, my saint, I will give you everything you want. A house with two large bedrooms, a fully stocked kitchen, a massage and a warm meal every time you return from work, a loving husband with six figure income, a comfortable carriage to bring you anywhere you want, bla bla bla…" He went on and on. Tempting.

"All you need to do is take my ring. Oh and I want three kids pleaBLEGRH!!?" The boss's ramble was stopped by a foot to his face, sending him tumbling to the side. The owner of the foot - the mustached bandit, sighed and shook his head at the boss's stupidity.

Or so I thought, because he then proceeded to knelt down, took my hand, and said: "Please marry me."

"...Really? You're gonna do the same as him after all that?"

"No, I won't do the same as him. Because I can do better. My angel, don't listen to that fool who attempted to trick you with his millennial wet dream. I'm maybe not as rich as him, but I know how to make a girl happy. Let me put a ring on you, and I'll let you experience the most delicious and exotic food, visit the most captivating places both within and without this country.

"Though I won't be able to bring you the most beautiful flower in the world, because it is already in front of meBLEGRH!!?" His shirt collar was pulled violently, making him fall backward on the ground, replaced by John. What he's about to do next, can you guess it?

"I... I'm not the richest one in the bunch, nor am I the most romantic. Overall, I know I'm not the most decent man, whose past actions if told might just turn you away, and I don't blame you.

"But I can change. I'm ready to toss my profession as a bandit away, and redo my life. I won't steal anymore, instead I'll give. I won't kidnap anymore, instead I'll save. By revealing the locations of every bandit hideout which I know of because I was friends with them to the guards and will even lead them to their places myself.

"If you'll just take my hand, my goddess, then John the bandit will be no more, instead it will be John the very virtuous man. All the money I've taken, which is about 2000 gold, I'll give it to the poor and the orphaned. Then I'll open a restaurant, which sells food for pennies so everyone can have a warm mea-Ooohhheeeugrh!!!" From John's mouth escaped a most fascinating sound, like a balloon letting out air as he grimaced, putting his hands on his crotch and falling over. Ouch. Even I felt a jolt down there too though I don't have my son anymore. Phantom pain much?

"You bunch of assholes!" Steve emerged, face still unrecognizable from the bruises he had received earlier. "You took my money and talked shit about me, and now you're trying to get away with it?!"

He pointed at John. "2000 gold is all you have? I bet that's not even half of it! You are a liar on top of being a thief! Opening a restaurant for the poor? God knows what you'll put into your food if you sell it that cheap."

Then he turned to the mustached bandit. "You? Romantic? You are a backstabbing son of a bitch, that's what you are. How many people whose lives have you destroyed by revealing their worst secrets to their friends?"

"And you", he spat at his boss, "a hypocrite, who always put on a facade by preaching about friendship, virtues, respect and other bullcrap, while behind our back you did the exact opposite! You all are the worst scums of humanity, behaving like uncivilized bandits!" Well, duh.

As I watched Steve accusing his gang one by one, I started to feel bad for him. While he was the one doing his work seriously, the rest of them not only leeched off his efforts, but also tried to claim his credits as their own, while spreading lies that they were the ones doing all the work and publicly lowering his social status.

Huh, reminded me of every single group project I ever did. My condolences to you, Steve, and all the people who were in the same situation as him. Society is unfair to the hard workers, sadly.

And then, Steve turned to me, sighed and shook his head. Is he about to accuse me of beating him up when he did nothing wrong? Well, yeah, I admit I was at fault. What I had done was at the same level as the other bandits, absolutely unforgivable. So him being angry at me is completely justified. Go ahead, I totally deserve it.

"And that's why only I will be able to bring you happiness. Will you marry me, my queen?"

"..."

Y'know, about the whole "keeping the bandits alive" thing? Yeah uh, scratch that, let's just kill them all instead.

*

Overtime pay? Uh, we don't have that. In government work we call it "unessesary expense".

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