Chapter 29
ARN
– The Marriage of the Seer with BABALON.1 –
“In terror, I feel as the Wheel turns yet again, in this unavoidable succession of events.
Despairing, I hold on to the time and space that are Now, with all my strength.
I fear this new impulse, this new change ...
above all I fear my own impotence and insignificance before the World’s designs.”
I didn’t expect to find him beside me when I woke up the next day, and so I wasn’t overly disappointed by his absence.
I found myself unable to feel the slightest hint of guilt or remorse, and the absolute certainty I had in the truthfulness of every word I’d said the night before left me strangely calm. I was not going to worry about the differences that obviously pulled us apart, nor would I think about the inevitability of, sooner or later, he ending up leaving me behind. The truth was undeniable; I was completely and unavoidably in love with Gabriel, regardless of him being Human or not.
As I’d expected, Alexander and Jonathan were at home, both sitting in the kitchen, both deep in a very heavy, awkward silence.
“Good morning,” I said to the both of them and Alexander smiled as if my presence had been heaven-sent just to save him. Jonathan, on the other hand, stood up and left without a word. And, even though he kept smiling, Alexander’s smile dwindled to a forced shadow.
I sighed and sat at the table, reaching for a yogurt.
“Anything wrong?”
“Nothing much, nothing new, at least,” he answered and his disheartened expression made me feel sorry for him.
“Did you have a fight?” I asked softly and he looked away.
“It’s impossible not to. Jonathan hates me.”
“Hmm. He’s certainly hurt for what he thinks you did. But, even so, I don’t think he hates you.”
Alexander smiled bitterly and rested his head on one hand, putting a fake cold and indifferent expression on his face.
“I did what I had to do. And it’s good that he hates me.”
“You know, it’s unbelievable how you guys try so hard to lie about your own feelings all the time,” I pointed out and he gave me threatening glare. “In reality, you’re nothing like that. I won’t deny that your fury was real when I tried to stop you from getting to him, and that it was kind of ... scary. But that only goes to prove my point. Sigweardiel is an angel who sacrificed his white wings to save a Human Being in an act of love. That’s who you really are.”
“Angel?” He smiled sarcastically. “You must be mistaken! I am a Mazzikin! A demon!” he translated.
“And that doesn’t change absolutely anything. They call you that because your wings are a different color now. You love him the same way, and everything you do, even the less correct things, you do them for his sake. Jonathan is no idiot. He may not know the truth, but he knows all too well the true meaning behind of your actions. You said it yourself, he is a Human Being just like me, and if there’s something I learned through our coexistence is that we Humans are much more capable at this thing of understanding emotions than you are. You really think he can’t see your love? That he can’t see your pain?”
Alexander sighed, disheartened. “Sometimes ... sometimes I think that there’s nothing left inside of him, that he’s nothing but an empty shell.”
“Because he’s also suffering and, sometimes, it’s just easier to turn away from ourselves, to turn off everything, in order to make it easier to bear all the pain,” I tried to explain. “I do understand your true purpose in hiding the truth from him, and you may even be right. But still, I can’t help feeling that it would be better if he knew the truth. It’s possible that, at some point, the pain would be more intense. But he’d have you standing there beside him, and he would understand all the reasons behind all the things left unexplained.”
Alexander sighed and ran a hand through his hair, pulling his bangs back from over his eye. “I thought about it, but then, even though you say I’m the same, the truth is that I’m not. There are things inside me, things that are constantly changing, and against which I’m constantly fighting, so that they’ll remain deep inside me, so that they won’t come to the surface, because I know that if they do, they’ll be forever imprinted in my being. If Jonathan were to stop hating me, if he went back to trusting me like before, if we went back to be as close as we used to be, I fear what I might do. If he wouldn’t reject me and despise me every time I kiss his skin to close those terrible wounds, what would be left to stop me?”
I was speechless, staring at him, and I unsuccessfully looked for the right words after what he’d just told me. Alexander smiled, his ironic sneering smile, and faced me almost daring me.
“Did I shock you?” he asked and laughed lightly, although his laughter was rough and dry. “It goes a little bit against that image of yours of what an angel should be like, right? I do hope I haven’t disappointed you all that much.”
“Not at all,” I replied firmly. His sarcasm kind of annoyed me which, at that point, I was thankful for, since it had allowed me to react. “I guess I can even understand, to a point. As a Merifri there were rules you had to follow and obey, which forced you to keep away from him. But, as a Deiwos, there are no rules, rather the rule is take-what-you-want, and it scares you.” He seemed disturbed by my words. “Yet, that still doesn’t invalidate what I said. Regardless of who you are, or how freely you can act on your desires, the truth is that you’re still the same, that you feel the same. And that, in the end, you would never be able to hurt him, even if that meant having to hurt yourself instead.”
“You give me too much credit,” he grumbled, looking away.
“Well, I can’t help the way I feel. All I know is that when I look at the two of you I can’t help thinking how lucky Jonathan was to have you as his Guardian. If someone had given me the choice, I would have chosen you as my Guardian as well. At least you didn’t abandon him. And it’s not like I wish I could go back, because that’s not the case at all. But, in the end, all this happened because my Guardian left me alone, right? And then, I look at you, and I can’t help wondering ... if it had been you beside me, none of this would have happened.”
Alexander seemed surprised and the smile that touched his lips was much gentler and understanding. “That would have been impossible, Mari. I’ve been a Deiwos for more than a hundred years.”
“Oh, I know. It’s just ... a comparison. To tell you the truth, I can’t really picture you as the Guardian of anyone else but Jonathan,” I confessed. “But if the bond between a Guardian and a Gaalgha is that strong, I can’ help asking myself why am I alone and why can’t I remember ever having anyone like that by my side.”
“I believe ... that your Guardian erased your memories of him before he went to sleep,” he said and his expression became more serious. I couldn’t help feeling surprised that he’d offer to talk about that, and so I waited for him to go on. “It’s not that uncommon. Sometimes relationships between Guardians and Gaalgha can become too close, too intimate. But if the Gaalgha loses his memory, the situation becomes more manageable.”
“Are you telling me I had feelings for my Guardian ... and that he made me forget them?”
“It’s like I said, it’s not that uncommon. What is certainly not normal is that he was weak and a coward, and left you alone,” he added angrily, the glow in his eyes reinforcing his words.
“I ... loved him?” I asked, still in disbelief, and Alexander sighed.
“I don’t know. In its base, what attracts a Guardian and a Gaalgha to one another is way beyond mere Human feelings like love. It’s almost like a dance between Souls that, up till that moment, had been walking through time and space completely alone. It’s joy, and wonder, and irresistible attraction. But it’s also pain, because it’s all just a fleeting moment. Above all it’s absolutely unavoidable. However, the way that communion expresses itself on a human level can be very different. It depends on personalities, personal histories, experiences shared. It’s already there to begin with, but the way it develops depends on many other, very Human, factors, just like any other relationship.”
“My Guardian ... he chose to fall asleep just to avoid me?” I asked with a serious expression.
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do! Tell me!” I demanded and he sat silent for a moment.
“I really don’t know. How can I even begin to imagine what came over him to do something as unforgivable as this? But, when I think about it, I really can’t find any other possible explanation. I guess he found himself unable to control his own desires and, before they could lead him to his fall, he opted to fall asleep for the time being.”
“And abandon me,” I added and took a deep breath, smiling before his preoccupied expression. “Well, it doesn’t really matter anyway. I probably would have never met you all if it weren’t for that.”
“And your life would have followed the path that was destined for you. Can you even grasp the seriousness of this? Gaalgha are not supposed to live side by side with Deiwos.”
“Look who’s talking,” I told him jokingly. “Anyway, you might have even been right, a few weeks ago. But now it’s different. And this is my choice, as a Human Being.”
He snorted and rested his chin on one hand with a disapproving expression. “Izrail is your choice.”
“Yes.”
“What do you expect from him, Mari? There’s nothing he can give you.”
“I don’t expect anything. I don’t even wish for a future together. I only want the now that we have.”
“When you talk like that I can’t help wondering if you’d say the same if you remembered all you’ve lived. If you remembered your Guardian.”
“Oh, I see. You still think I’m using him to fill in the empty space that remained after my Guardian left me.”
“I’m not saying you do it consciously. But ... yes.”
“As much as I’d like to deny it, I also can’t guarantee that you’re wrong. Because I’m a Human Being who’s unable to feel, and he is the only being I know that is able to return that ability to me. So, I guess it was expected that I somehow would grow attached to him. Either way the truth is that, right now, I can’t imagine my life without him.”
“That just cannot be!” Alexander said, shaking his head repeatedly. “Izrail is a Shedim! And the Law is increasingly stricter as our castes are more pure. Do you understand? He’ll never be allowed to keep you. And the more he insists on that madness, the worse the result will be!”
I felt a bitter taste in my mouth and distractedly played with my yogurt spoon. “I don’t believe there’s a need to worry about that. I know he’ll leave me sooner or later. And that’s exactly why I’ve given up considering things like time.”
“Leave you?” Alexander repeated. “If only that were true! You don’t know him at all. He may be frighteningly powerful and annoyingly indifferent and cold to the whole world around him. I’ve never met anyone with so many defenses and strategies, specially developed to avoid personal contact with others, than him. And yet, taking into account how long he’s lived, as emotions are concerned, he is very much like a child. Because of everything he’s been through, and the way he was raised, he quickly learned how to hate, be suspicious and loathe everything right from the start, and I guess that that’s what mainly has kept him alive so far. However, those that are persistent enough to live through that phase and try and see beyond his terrifying presence, easily reach the conclusion that, besides his extraordinary weapons and defense mechanisms, he really doesn’t know much more of anything.
“It was with Lea that he learned what it means to care for someone else, to protect and be unconditionally dedicated to another. When I met him it was thanks to that that I could reach him, that I managed to make him listen to me and try and understand me. I’m quite sure that, if I’d met him before he met Lea, he would have never helped me like he did. For my part, I tried to teach him what it meant to have a companion, someone we can turn our back to without fearing being stabbed. And yet, I’m sure you remember how he initially received me when we got here. Every time I catch him off guard, he’ll invariably react like that. His primary instinct is always to attack.
“And then you came along, Mari. But what you’re trying to teach him is something that no Shedim should know. Especially not now. You see, there are still many other basic things that he should learn, that he must learn, in order to understand the lesson you’re trying to teach him. And yet, just like with Lea and me, you already have your space inside his defense wall, the same wall he uses to keep all others at bay or to simply destroy them. And, sure, it’s because we all have our places inside his wall that we can act in a certain way near him, and have confidence that he’ll probably not destroy us, even when we make the mistake of angering him. But once you belong to the inside world of his wall, there’s no escape. I don’t even want to imagine how catastrophic it would be if one of us were to simply disappear. Because Izrail still hasn’t learned how to deal with loss, and a space that was suddenly left empty hurts much more than a place that was never occupied to begin with. And, from the three of us, right now, you’re the one who occupies more space,” he declared and sighed at my dumbfounded expression.
“At first I wasn’t worried at all because I thought he could never even begin to understand what your presence in his life was trying to teach him. I always thought that a Shedim would never be able of such feelings. I thought that his obsession with you was just a whim, a curiosity because you’re so different from all that he knows. Now I can clearly see just how wrong I was and you say he’ll leave you? He’ll never allow anyone else to come in between you, even if that means going to war.
“If you talk about my anger when you placed yourself between Jonathan and I, you can’t even imagine what would happen if someone stood between him and you. Because I’ve seen him tirelessly hunt down other Deiwos for my sake. And I saw him level a whole city to the ground because some stupid Se’irim thought it was a good idea to kidnap Lea. Right now, I can’t even imagine what he’d be able to do for you. I know, however, he wouldn’t even spare Lea or me, if one of us were to threaten to take you away from him. And that tells me enough.”
I sat in silence, not knowing what to say.
Even though denying his certainties felt somehow childish, I also couldn’t really see Gabriel in the being he’d just described. I just couldn’t grasp the idea of something making Gabriel anguished enough to make him want to destroy everything around him just for my sake.
“I’d really ... like to believe that, but the truth is that I just can’t see it,” I finally confessed.
“Because you have a ridiculous low self-esteem,” he scolded me and I couldn’t disagree with that. “If you weren’t this important to him, we would have left here a long time ago. Do you know when I first became aware of just how much you’d become important to him?” I shook my head. “When I told him to just go to you, take whatever he wanted and be done with it, so that we could move on as soon as possible. And he almost pulverized me! That was the first time that I saw him try so hard to restrain his own will for the sake of someone else. And you, better than anyone, must know just how many times he’s done it since then.”
I took a deep breath. “When you tell me these things, I can almost believe you’re right, and I just can’t see what will be left of me, if you’re wrong,” I murmured and he kept silent for a moment.
“Why? What binds you to him like this?” he asked and I smiled, shrugging.
“If you ask me like that, I don’t know. All I know is that once he left I just ceased to exist. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. And that once he came back, everything was different. And besides regaining all that I thought I had lost forever, something inside me had also changed, as if I needed to lose him once, before I could really understand just how important he’d really became to me. And even though I tried to deny it, and tried to avert my gaze from it, even though I know it’s impossible and wrong, and no matter how many times I repeated that to myself, I just can’t change back to whom I used to be. And then, it comes to a point where it’s just simply ridiculous and tiring constantly trying to deny the truth.”
“And Michael?”
My smile immediately withered away, as a tight lump choked my throat. At that point, I’d rather not even think about him, much less talk about him.
“Michael is ... undeniably precious to me,” I replied after pondering for a while. “I always feel different when I’m with him. And, unlike what happened with Gabriel, where my feelings slowly changed, what I feel for Michael hasn’t changed at all. It’s strange, isn’t it? One would expect that, as my feelings for Gabriel grew and became stronger, my feelings for Michael would dwindle away. But that’s not what happened at all. And so I can only conclude that they occupy two different places inside my heart. I know that it’s hard to understand, and unfair. But I have no other way to explain it, nor can I change the way I feel. And yet, when Gabriel was gone, he even took what I feel and have always felt for Michael with him.”
“And even knowing that what you feel for Michael only exists when Izrail is by your side, you still cannot choose?” he asked and I could hear his light tone of disapproval.
“I’m really sorry,” I replied with a shrug.
“But I’m sure you know which one your Soul has chosen,” he implied and I squeezed the spoon I still held in my hand. “The way you protected us from Telane. That’s a power that can only manifest itself when the Soul of a Gaalgha perfectly synchronizes with his Human feelings. And although that Human side of yours may be able to love two completely different beings, your Soul can only love one other Soul. And the proof that this is so is in what you just told me. Without Izrail by your side your emotions are dulled.”
I shrugged again. “Even if things are like that,” I tried to explain, even though words such as spirits and souls were still rather abstract to me. “The truth is that I cannot feel what my Soul feels. Even when I cry, and you tell me that my Soul is crying, the truth is that I don’t feel any pain. Apparently, I can only feel things if my Soul agrees or allows it. But when that happens what I’m feeling are my Human feelings, and it’s with these emotions that I live in my daily life, not with the feelings of my Soul.”
“I understand. It’s like I’ve told you. Contrary to what you might thing, I understand you all too well, and that’s why I can’t help feeling sorry for you. Because the fight you’re fighting cannot end well. My debt to Izrail makes me wish I could just get rid of you, since I know this would be the best for him, and, if this could be done without disturbing your life all that much, then it would be the best for you too. But there’s this other part of me that keeps trying to protect you, because I know this is not the path meant for you. Because I look at you and I know that you must’ve been born for truly great things, things that you’ll probably never accomplish. Because if you keep insisting in going down this path, I’m sure you will end up dying very soon.”
The silence that fell around us was too heavy for me to bear it for long.
“Right now, I don’t really mind dying all that much,” I told him with a smile that made him frown. “Of course, I’d much rather stay alive, if possible. But, in anyway, I’m really grateful that I’ve met you.” He averted his gaze, looking embarrassed, and so I tried to change the subject. “Are Lea and Gabriel still searching for Telane?”
“Since the cat found the place where she’s been hiding, yesterday night Izrail set a trap to capture her,” he said, folding his arms and leaning back. “But Telane must have noticed something wrong, since she still hasn’t returned. I suppose they’re watching her place now.”
“That means no one knows until when I’ll have to stay under house arrest,” I concluded.
“I know it’s not easy, but if you can just be a bit more patient ...” Alexander pleaded and I smiled.
“Oh, I’m okay with not being able to go outside. To tell you the truth I’ve always felt more at ease at home than at school. And I know you guys will just spew some hocus-pocus that will perfectly justify all my absences. The problem is that soon we won’t have anything left to eat.”
“But that’s the easiest thing of all. Just tell me what you need,” he offered and I looked suspiciously at him.
“So you can make stuff appear out of nowhere on my table?” I asked and he seemed confused, as if he couldn’t see the problem in that. “When you guys do that, where do you get the things you make appear?”
“Well, that depends, I suppose. If you ask me for food I’ll probably get it from some supermarket. I could just make it appear out of nowhere, but I don’t think it will be such a good idea, having Humans eat food created by Deiwos.”
“Fine then. But make sure to make some money appear in the cash register! I am not about to rob a supermarket I don’t even know,” I told him, half scolding him for all the times I was sure he had robbed a supermarket, and Alexander laughed, his warm laughter filling the room, surprising me at just how familiar and relaxing it sounded.
“Fine, fine. I won’t rob the supermarket. I promise.” These Deiwos persons were all worse than children!
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