Chapter 10 – Emotions and self-defence
250 6 8
X
Reading Options
Font Size
A- 15px A+
Width
Reset
X
Table of Contents
Loading... please wait.

Fallout emotions

“Ring!”

“Ring!”

“Hello?”

“Good morning, sir, this is the wake up service. Breakfast is about to be served and you are asked to assemble in two hours.”, a receptionist said.

“Thank you.” I responded and hung up.

I got out and moved to the bathroom and did my normal routine. Brushing teeth, taking a shower. Combing hair, checking if I needed to shave,… But then I slowly started realizing something was off.

“I’m me again. This is not good. I’m officially signed off. I’m not here. I can’t be me. I must be Marie.” I thought. “How on earth am I going to solve this?”

Regardless the urgency and the magnitude of the problem, I was feeling extremely relaxed. Even if I was seriously hungry again. The sleep, the shower, the caves, the company yesterday…

“Oh god! Sam! I was kissed by a man yesterday!” My stomach turned, partly squeezed in horror, partly from butterflies from the memories of how good it felt. This was confusing! “Am I attracted to men now? What is going on?” A whirlwind of emotions and thoughts blasted through me. “First things first. I must turn into Marie again.”

“How did the change get triggered again? Panic, anxiousness, self-preservation, danger, …” I was wondering if recalling the feelings would trigger the change. I sat down on the bed and started meditating. I tried to feel and get overpowered by one of those strong dark feelings.

Five minutes later. Still nothing.

Ten minutes later. Still nothing.

“I won’t be long now. I’m going start panicking for real any time soon,” I thought. But my heart hardly skipped a beat. And I didn’t seem to get into the right ‘mood’.

“Ok. This is not going well. How did the change happen in the past? Is there more to it than just fear, panic or strong emotions to protect?” I was loudly talking to myself now, trying to figure this thing out.

“There was the very strong emotion but there was also that feeling of numbness and the fuzzy warmth afterwards. How does it actually work? I can’t believe trying to feel the numbness will do something.”

“I can’t ask or search for help. I never heard of people who can’t do this. So I’m on my own on this one. I need to find a solution…”

“It’s not something that happens irreversibly. In the beginning it was only one part or aspect of my body that changed to and fro. If the goal of the drug would have to change me into a woman, my whole body would have changed gradually and irreversibly.”

“Hmm, but that still might be the case. It still might be possible that my DNA was amended by some DNA altering virus… But not in a way that I was remodelled as a woman. Just as something else.” Julian was unknowingly on the right track. Only Henry Marshal knew the details. Only he knew what was in the mixture that caused this. Only he knew what he and his team engineered.

“Somehow my body has changed but at the same time, I’m still waking up as Julian. This means that this is still who I am. But I have the possibility to shapeshift into a woman. I wonder if that is the only thing I can shift into? Can I shift into an athletic jock? Can I have my wiener shift into the monster variant?” I shivered at the thought. “Who doesn’t want to have some large meaty rod?”

I considered that thought from Marie’s perspective for a second and felt shear horror. “Oh no, if I’m Marie, I would run away screaming if I would see such a thing. Maybe it’s not that great after all.”

“Is it only men who want to have the largest tool possible? I can’t help but think that women, in general, cringe from oversized dicks. Confusing!”

“Julian focus!!!” I called myself to order. “What should I do next? What should I try?” I was starting to feel some mild panic, but, as soon as I acknowledged it as a good thing, relief flooded me and the feeling of panic washed away. “I’m not getting anywhere like this!!!” I exclaimed angrily to myself.

“Ok, gonna focus on my hand and imagine it’s Marie’s.” I stared at my hand intently for a few minutes. Nothing happened. No numbness or warmth was triggered. I sighed and closed my eyes.

“How did my hand look like when I was Marie?” I asked myself. I quickly came to the conclusion that in my memory, my hand, when being Marie, just looked ‘normal’. It was almost impossible to get a clear mental picture of it. I sighed and tried to imagine how it felt to be Marie. How it felt to move like Marie. How the rock climbing, the hiking, the dancing, and even the kiss felt.

I as soon as I got into the moment and into the feeling of being Marie, the numbness started spreading. While it was distracting, I kept focussed on what it meant to be Marie. I held onto the feeling. After a minute or so, I felt the numbness change into the familiar warmth.

“I really have to set up a cam to film this,” I thought. I was getting extremely curious, to see what happens to me when I shift between forms. I opened my eyes and looked at my naked body.

“Thank goodness, all the right parts are back and the wrong parts are gone. Or is it vice versa? I don’t know anymore…”

I thoroughly checked myself in the bathroom. It looked like I turned out alright. It looked like I was exactly the same Marie as yesterday. The hair colour and length matched. The hips and tiny feet were present. My blemish-free skin and angelic face were radiating. I was still flustered by myself just by examining myself in the mirror. All in all, shift succeeded! It only took me 45 minutes to get to this point.

I went to my bag with new clothes. We didn’t have time to go shopping but Janice had squeezed in some online shopping for me and the clothes were waiting for me at the reception when we got back from the speleology yesterday. “Fresh underwear! I love it! And a fresh T-shirt and leggings. Even new socks! And of course a new sports bra. Medium size this time, since the ‘small’ was a bit uncomfortable.”

I was thinking about the set I wore last night. Janice had added a dark-red lace, silk slip and bra combo that was extremely feminine and very stylish. She hadn’t asked my size but she had it completely right. I think. It fitted and I barely felt I was wearing it last night. It was a 85 B in French measurements. I had no idea what that means. Another thing to discover.

“I do hope that this shift means that I control it now. That would be so convenient. When I get home I can be Julian again for ever and forget about this female mess,” I thought. I was dressed and ready for my much needed breakfast. I was starving again. “Time to make some jaws drop at the amount of food this girl can stomach,” I gleefully thought and hurried downstairs.

As soon as I approached the breakfast area, I saw Crystal and Caro sitting and moved to join them. I might have completely ignored Steve who was gesticulating and waving to draw attention to the free seat beside him on an otherwise packed table. Still didn’t like the dude. Even if he was rather handsome.

“Sam was twice the man and three times as handsome as Steve,” I thought. “So I have nothing lost on that married man with kid without wedding ring.”

“Hi girls!”, I greeted. “Did you sleep alright, Caro?” I asked. She looked at me and hesitate a tad too long before answering.

“It was alright. It took a little time but I slept well and I’m ready to for today.”

I saw she was wearing make-up and her eyes looking a bit dull. She was obviously lying.

“Did she get any sleep at all? Was she crying all night?” I thought. I went to her seat and took her into a hug. She returned the hug and laid her head against me. We stayed like that for a minute. When I sat down, she gave me a small smile. Crystal looked at me approvingly. I went to the buffet for plate number one. When I got back, Flora had joined us. She was busy describing how chivalrous and handsome Sam was and how he couldn’t keep his eyes of me and how he kissed me. I ran away for plate number 2, beet-red, actively wondering if it was acceptable to hide under the buffet tables with my breakfast.

I went back and listened to the conversation flowing and continued eating at a steady pace.

“Girl, where are putting all that?”, Janice asked suddenly. All eyes were directed at me and plate number 4. “Uhm… I have an overactive thyroid and I don’t have my pills to regulate it. So the only option left is stuffing myself and hoping I don’t blow up, I guess.” I made up on the spot.

“I wish I had a such a deficiency too,” Janice sighed. “I just look at a croissant and immediately gain extra weight. If I actually eat it, it’s even worse.”

“I know the feeling,” Flora and Caro chimed in.

“I just work it all off doing sports,” Crystal admitted. “If I wouldn’t do that, you could probably roll me around. But the amount Marie is eating is baffling.”

I shrugged. “Can’t help it,” I replied. “Do you any of you know what we will be doing today?”

“This morning it’ll be a seminar on our company and the different divisions and HR and product updates and new techniques and philosophies on how to aid our clients,” Crystal said. “In short, I hope you are well rested or you’ll be caught snoring in no time.”

“I never experienced something like this. I think I’ll easily stay awake.” I lied. “What division are you in, Crystal?” I knew she wasn’t playing helpdesk or aiding the administration like Janice and Caro. She also wasn’t a business analyst like Flora, whatever that might be.

“I’m working in the logistics. In the warehouse. Constantly offloading and loading trucks with my forklift,” she proudly told us. “Hefty!” I replied with a smile.

“And this afternoon we are having some self-defence classes as activity,” Flora suddenly added with a worried glance at Caro. We all looked at Caro from the corner of our eyes. Caro slightly tensed up and relaxed again.

“We should have gotten that course sooner,” Caro said quietly. Flora hugged her and we all smiled to those two. I reached out for Caro’s hand and gestured everyone to join hands.

“We shall have each other’s backs, no matter what. No one gets hurt anymore! We will protect each other. We will be there if any of us needs help.” I declared. Everyone solemnly agreed, looking fierce and serious.

“Yeah! We will!” sounded from the group.

After that we broke up to finish our morning routines and to gather at the meeting rooms. I secretly filled and ate plate number 5 and filled some napkins with extra’s to hide in my purse. My first purse ever. I was using it as a food bag. Again, thanks Janice! She is a miracle in details.

 


Self defence

Not gonna lie, the presentation part in the morning. It was B O R I N G. I knew it in advance but I couldn’t show since I was ‘new’. The only great part, were the breaks. When we got lead to a room with coffee and extra snacks. The addition to my already depleted secret stash was welcome. I was steadily winning on the hunger. The faithful companion of the last days was slowly departing.

For the self-defence, we were put in mixed groups of 30. I had Caro in my group and, eurghs, Steve…

“Hey Marie! Happy to see you! Didn’t you notice me this morning? I had kept a seat for you,” he immediately said, making me mentally roll my eyes. This guy was dense!

“Hi, I remember you from yesterday at breakfast. I didn’t realize you were motioning at me. I’m afraid to admit, but I saw so many new faces already… I  I forgot your name.” I answered him, enjoying myself immensely.

“Oh, well, I’m Steve. It’s ok. Being new can be overwhelming sometimes,” he replied with a quick expression of disappointment passing his attitude.

“Attaboy! You are on the right track! You’ll never get close to me.” I thought, inwardly smiling gleefully.

“Can everyone gather here?” I heard a familiar voice call out. I look towards the source and there he was. Sam. He was a self-defence instructor? This course suddenly got very interesting. I glanced at Caro and she looked back at me equally surprised. Then, she smiled. Her first genuine smile of the day.

“Great, isn’t it,” she said. “I trust him! If anyone can learn me how to defend myself, it’s him. Did you actually notice how easily he disposed of those jerks?” she added. I nodded enthusiastically. We both eagerly moved closer.

After introducing himself, Sam started calling the names. One by one, we confirmed our presence, until he called out Julian Murray.

“Sam, Julian is signed off. I’m replacing Julian. I got assigned his spot on this team event.” I brought forward.

“How come?” Sam asked.

“I don’t know. I was hired last week and got this open spot in the team event. Mr Murray forwarded me all the reservation details,” I lied innocently. I was lying a lot lately. Somewhere along the line, I’d have to pay for all these lies. A slight shiver ran through my spine.

“Ok, thanks for informing me,” Sam said and continued the name calling. Next to me, I saw Steve looking surprised and worried. I ignored it.

“I’m happy you got his place,” Caro whispered to me while grasping my hand. “I don’t feel very good at the moment but it’s better with you beside me.”

After the registration, Sam went to further introduce himself. He was a fitness instructor, martial artist and had spent time in the military. He was 26 and moved around from job to job to explore the world. A true free soul. Now he was hired with a team to give us a real taste of self-defence.

At the warming up, you immediately saw the group fall into three parts. The fit, the normal and the ones who were going to have a hard time. I tried to stay with Caro as much as I could, but she was really slow. At the end of the warm up, we played a game of tag.

It was really challenging. I knew I could have reflexes that were off the charts but they didn’t seem to be home today. Which was great, since I didn’t want to stick out. Nonetheless I was one of the fastest and most flexible in the group. So, I held back. I seriously held back. I wanted to be a bit lower than mediocre. When playing tag, each time the tacker wanted to tag me, I mentally did a coin-flip on if I should let myself tagged or not. I couldn’t always avoid it when I wanted through. I think I did well, except for one moment at the end of the warming up.

Steve was the tacker and, after he already tagged a third of the people out, he went for me. With a large smile and confidence radiating off him, he ran after me. I had no intention to get tagged that easily by that jerk. So I ran away zig-zagging in the direction of a side wall with him on my heels. I waved around other people who he plainly ignored. He could have tagged them easily but he wanted me. I timed the moment of his approach with me being close to the wall. This time, I really didn’t want getting tagged.

The moment the firm resolve formed in my mind, time slowed time to a crawl, I saw his hand reaching for me. I examined the best angle to escape and I slowly ducked and moved aside. At least from my point of view it was slow. The hand slowly followed me and curved away from the wall. Steve was turning to be able to follow me. I let his hand get within centimetres of me while continuing to avoid him and moving away from the wall again. I saw him turn but I knew his momentum was too great now to avoid colliding into the wall so I relaxed and time spun up again. The end result was awesome! I wasn’t tagged and Steve crashed into the wall. Hard. He ended in a heap down on the floor.

“Oh my god,” I exclaimed in false worry. “Steve, are you alright. You really went all out to tag me. I’m so sorry!” I glanced at Caro and she was giving me a secretly thumbs up. I had told our group about him being married and not wearing his wedding ring nor mentioning anything about his wife and son. He went flirting from woman to woman, hoping to score. They hated that type of guy.

I helped Steve stand up again. He had a bruise on his cheek and chin and limbed a bit. He was tacker off and on the bench for now. Sam got him a cold-pack so his face wouldn’t swell. When Sam returned, he threw me curious look but didn’t say anything.

We switched to the actual course now our muscles were warm. We learned how to hold our fists when doing a punch, a good position to stand to perform a kick, how to push someone away, and finally the ultimate tactics. How to fall without hurting ourselves and how to efficiently run away.

Before you could run away, you had to escape. Which was exactly the problem Caro had in the club. So we switched to learning techniques in pairs to hold someone and to get out of a grip. Some methods were really great and vicious.

I liked it! Like the one where someone grabbed you from behind and locked you into that position by securing your arms over your belly. We used our heel to stamp down on the foot of our assailer and with the movement created, break free and make him trip. When he was on the floor, we had to kick him in the kidneys and run 20 metres.

I was dying to do this with Steve. I looked so deliciously painful. But for some reason, he was avoiding me. I did the moves with some random dude and they worked so great. The devastating thump when he dropped down… simply a heavenly sound and very satisfying feeling. I didn’t have to move faster than normal, just do the movements right.

I discovered that I could pick up the movements really fast. But also that I didn’t have the slightest clue on how to actually fight. This course gave me a taste of it. I wanted more!

When it was my turn to play the villain, I held my partner the right way and when he tried to stomp my foot, I moved it out the way without much effort. He didn’t get the chance to do the rest of the moves. But then he used his unfair male power to force himself out and tried to throw me to the ground. I didn’t like that and moved along with him and avoided the throw completely. I kept standing and I tripped the guy. He ended on his ass on the floor looking surprised.

Sam saw it and came our way.

“Marie, I want you to do these moves with me. So I can show what went wrong.”

“Ok.” I grabbed his arms while standing behind him.

“I’m going to begin.” He moved to stomp my foot and just like before I graciously moved it away without giving an opening.

“Ah, I get it. Sometimes you just have a very flexible and balanced opponent. And then, this technique isn’t enough since they won’t fall for the tricks.” He said. “And Marie, is doing this.”

“I thought it was cool to avoid the stomp this way!” I said with a smile.

“Then you have to do something more.” He continued.

Sam then ducked and pushed back. When I stumbled back, he tried to stomp my foot again but somehow I avoided getting hit. But the stumbling and the moving my foot out of harm's way broke my hold on him automatically.

I was disappointed. It felt so good to feel his body against mine. “I’m so wrong. But he is so hot,” I thought. He had a stupid effect on me. He made me completely forget the ‘he’ part inside of me. It wasn’t fair.

With the hold broken, he tried to throw me to the ground, but I simple dodged. He moved along went for a different throw. Time slowed down and I did my utmost best to find a way out of the incoming move. That was the moment I truly understood what makes someone a master in martial arts. There was just no way out.

“Wheeeeeeeeeee!” I let out. I flew through the air and landed flat on my back.

He helped me back up. “You are a natural. You should do martial arts. If you do, you’ll be devastating in a few years.”

“Really?”

“Yes, but for the exercise now, loose the dodging. I doubt there are students in this room that would succeed in getting you down if you pull those moves.”

He instructed my partner a bit more and let us to our training. Without the fun of the dodging, I committed myself to landed gracefully on floor receiving instead of bitchslapping the tatamis.

I think I felt Sam’s gaze upon me multiple times. I liked it although I shouldn’t.

“He really only eyes has for you,” Caro whispered when we were doing an exercise together.

“Really?” I asked back flustered.

“Yes. Don’t look. He is staring at you again.”

I was wondering what it meant. What was I going to do with it? It made me feel good, very good even. Is this a new chance at life? Unfortunately this was only temporary. Within a week, Marie would cease to exist.

8