Someone help.
After our meeting and the girl's went off to clubs or whatever, I went down to the guard station to play some games. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but the guards stationed there sometimes invite me play games with them. It's usually just card games, but Alexis said she had something big planned for today. I was very excited, but fell into a silent panic as soon as I entered the station. Chelsea - one of the guards - was sitting alone at the table, sobbing into her hands. She hasn't noticed me yet, so if I'm quiet enough, I could probably bail. But the thing about that is... well, it's kind of a dick move. I don't know what I need to do, but I have to do something for her. Maybe she just needs someone to vent to. I can help her with that.
Alright, that's the plan. Go in, have her vent her problems, and pray it's nothing big and that she doesn't ask for advice. Now, go!
"Chelsea, is e-everything okay?" I act as if I just entered and found her, but the worry in my voice is real. Chelsea sniffled and looked up at me.
"Um, I'm fine," she whimpered, wiping tears from her bloodshot eyes. "I'm totally fine."
"W-What's going on?" I pull out the seat next to hers and sit in it. Chelsea let out a long, depressed sigh.
"I've just been having the worst week," she complained. "I mean, my dad's been really really sick, and, um," she started sniveling, trying to force the words out. "I just now found out that my dog is dying too, I just can't-" Now she broke out into tears. How do I respond to this?
"I'm so sorry, I had no idea." I apologize for my ignorance. She's been going through this all week and I haven't noticed anything. I'm such a fucking failure.
"I'm gonna be okay, Seph," why is she consoling me? "It just sucks, 'cause I know my dad is going to heaven, but Spot is going to dog heaven, and they're just never going to see each other again and that's, like, really sad..."
…what? It's so ridiculous that my first thought is that she's playing a prank on me. But she's so sad! Too sad for it to be an act; those tears are real.
"Uh, yeah..." I'm a little caught off guard by her statement. "I can... see how the thought of that happening could, uh... make one sad." I try to tell her that I understand, but I really don't.
"And sure," Chelsea ignored me and kept ranting. "On Halloween, all our souls will reconvene on earth and we'll see each other again, but I don't know! That's only once a year, you know? It's not enough," she whined.
…uh huh...
"Oh, God, I'm sorry Seph. I'm upsetting you with all this emotion." Chelsea apologizes after seeing my dumfounded reaction, making her even more upset.
"N-No, n-not at all," I try to assure her that she's not upsetting me in the slightest, but my confusion makes me sound disingenuous. Now I have to keep speaking and explain myself in a way that doesn't hurt her feelings so that she doesn't get the wrong idea. "Um... S-Some of your beliefs... are... u-unfamiliar to me. B-But I can also see that you're extremely sad right now, so I won't, uh... do what I would normally do if someone said something like that to me..."
"I just wish I could use my God wish to turn Spot into a human and send him to human heaven but I just can't, you know?"
"I'm sorry, I don't," I admit. "Your 'God wish?'"
"Yeah," she says as if it were common knowledge. "The wish God grants you when you go to heaven. It just sucks, you know, that you only get one God wish, and I have to use mine on something else!"
"I think if God could grant wishes, he could grant more than one-"
"Don't be stupid, Seraph! There are infinite people in the world! God can't grant more than one infinity of wishes."
"Okay, first of all, none of that is obvious, secondly, there aren't infinite people, thirdly, you're making metaphysical claims that you have no possible way to back up and fourth, why wouldn't you use your one 'God wish' to save your dog?"
"Because yesterday my brother was hit and killed by a drunk driver."
"Oh my God-"
"And everyone knows that when you die on the road you go to car heaven, so I have to give him my God wish."
"Of course you do." I just shut up accept it. "That is a perfectly noble thing to use your God wish for. Only a pedantic, uncaring asshole would choose this moment to interrogate the... Gordian knot of dream logic surrounding your deeply held convictions."
"I was talking to my psychic, my medium, my astrologer and my haruspex, and they all tell me that I can use crystal magic to cure my dad's cancer. And I'm like, 'that's insane.'" Oh, how frabjous! She still has a brain. "I mean, hello! Cancer is a living organism. You can't use crystal magic to destroy life!" Damnit. "I just wish I could do something, you know, but if I use any more of my Eldritch Vassal powers, I have to give my first born to R'llohr, Lord of Light, and I don't think I'm ready to start a family right now, you know?"
After she finishes speaking, she looks straight at me, her face frozen in place between a smile and a frown. From outside I can hear Ursula's heavy German accent playfully trying to hush someone's snickering.
"Quiet, Astrid. He vill hear us!"
"I'm sorry, it's just so-" Astrid tries to stifle her laugh, but fails. She bursts out laughing, and Chelsea and Ursula follow immediately afterwards.
I have been had...
I feel the blood rush to my face and hide my face in my hands out of shame. As the three are consoling me after having made a fool out of me, Alexis runs into the guard station and slams a box onto the table with a loud thud, startling everyone.
"Fuck you all!" she yelled. "We're playing Dragons & Dungeons, baby!"
Huh.