An arrow whistled through the air. When the shaft found its mark, a pained yelp could be heard . The target was a feral dog, its lung pierced through by the broadhead.
“Are we going to eat it?” Sekh asked, a slight disgust emanating from her face.
“I’d rather not,” I replied with a grimace. “It’s too mangy, so I’ll just torch the corpse. Hopefully this will dissuade the rest of the pack.”
The two of us slowly watched as the fire consumed the body, only staying to make sure that the fire didn’t spread to the surrounding area.
“This really is a hassle,” Sekh complained. “We would be able to go at a faster pace if you didn’t insist on burning everything you kill.”
“I’d rather not have these bodies attract bigger things,” I explained. “We already know that the roads are dangerous enough, so I don’t think we should exacerbate the problem.”
Sekh simply shrugged and continued to wait for the fire to die down. Since leaving Synon, Sekh and I have been traveling southeast towards the city of Damask. We’ve been on the road for four days already, though I’d estimate that we’re only a quarter of the way there. This being an issue since the distance to Damask should be around ten days of travel.
As the two of us continued to trek through the countryside, we were greeted by the site of abandoned farms and desolate fields. The further away from the city the land was, the less likely that said territory was being reclaimed. Our current position was somewhere between Synon and Beroea, since we were traveling diagonally down towards Damask. Using the three cities as points, one could draw a right triangle. Synon and Beroea being connected by a shorter leg, while Damask sat furthest south and roughly between the other two cities.
“It really is different from Jericho,” Sekh observed. “I thought things would recover somewhat by now, but I guess that’s not the case.”
“Just give it time,” I told her. “Things don’t change so quickly. Hopefully the Doux who controls this region or one of the Katepans under him get enough resources to change things.”
“Azel, how much of this do you think was caused by Arhiman?” Sekh inquired. “I know that he torched a lot of the countryside, but I also saw our own soldiers steal supplies and destroy this region.”
For a short period, I continued to walk in silence as I formulated an answer. “I think Ahriman played a larger role. The desolation here can be summed up mostly as Ahriman’s work, but not in the way you might believe. I was at the frontlines for nearly the whole war, so I can confidently tell you that Ahriman’s rule was very similar to that of a mortal ruler.”
“Before war broke out, the agricultural land was actually quite well managed,” I elaborated. “See, Ahriman’s goal has always been to conquer the whole mortal plane. And after ruling multiple empires in antiquity, that fucker has gotten real good at land management.”
“So did he torch the land to deny us supplies?” Sekh asked. “There can’t be any other reason for him to devastate the land.”
“Exactly,” I replied wryly. “Because Ahriman was being pushed back, he adopted a scorched earth strategy to deprive the Iasor and Zayid armies of supplies. However, the Iasor army in the west had gained a lot of headway early on, so the region of Jericho stayed relatively unharmed. On the other hand, the Zayid army came across the ocean and landed in their vassal state of Silea to the south of Stygia. Because of this, their advance was slower which led to the southern portion of Stygia being more devastated. But that's not to say that the allied armies didn't do their share of pillaging.”
“Yeah, I saw all of that,” Sekh said with a downcast look. “The worst thing was that I couldn’t do anything to stop it. All I could do was continuing the fight so the war would end."
"Azel, do you think it was worth it in the end?” Sekh continued glumly.
For a moment I continued to walk forward silently, pondering Sekh’s question.
“I think so,” I responded. “Things definitely could have gone better, but it's good that Ahriman was defeated. If he had won he might have waged another war like the one two thousand years ago. In fact, that very war was the first recorded instance of massed battlemages on the battlefield, which devastated so much of the world. Then again, the dark age that followed the war was heavily influenced by the heroes and remaining kingdoms warring for the remnants of Ahriman's empire.”
“So you’re saying that Ahriman was only part of the reason for the great collapse?” Sekh inquired.
“That’s what most modern scholars say,” I informed her.
“Besides, Ahriman’s rule would never allow for progress or change,” I continued. “For a god like him, the opinions of mortals mean nothing. All we would ever be is a tool for him to spite the other gods.”
But perhaps that isn’t much different from our rulers. Honestly, Ahriman could be summed up as an efficient tyrant. Life under him would be good if you ignored the shadow monsters, occasional reanimated corpses, and the totalitarian regime.
As the two of us continued on our journey towards the city of Damask, I was lost in thought for most of the journey. How much of the war could be justified? Even if we claimed that we were fighting for justice, we were just as guilty of scouring the countryside for supplies. Though many historians may call it a crusade, it was just war. Rape, murder, pillaging, all of that was present. I guess the only difference between this and any other war was the presence of a malevolent god and his servants from the heavenly plane.
As I recalled the past, I remembered the people I fought against. In truth, they were the same as any other. Some fought to defend their territory, some were drafted by force, some wanted riches, and some served their ruler. Even Ahriman’s personal guard was partially made up of mortals, many of them were lesser nobles of Stygia who were elevated based on merit. Really is the whole ‘we’re not so different after all’ situation.
It was during the afternoon of the next day that we came upon the first human presence. A few miles to our east was a village. As we neared the settlement, I climbed atop a tree to get a better view.
Before my eyes was a small settlement. A wooden palisade encircled the main settlement and peasants walked around doing daily tasks.
“The village is safe,” I informed Sekh as I descended from the branches. “I don’t see anything out of the ordinary, so I think we can try to stay the night here.”
“Let’s do that,” Sekh decided. “I think it’ll be a nice change of pace from the barren countryside.”
Thus, the two of us trekked towards the village along a dirt road that was slowly being reclaimed by nature. I wonder if they’ll even let us stay here, mercenaries aren’t exactly known to be the best company. Well, it’s always worth a try.
As we approached the village, I could see wary looks from the citizens behind the walls. Once we neared the entrance of the settlement, a pair of men stepped out to greet us. The two of them carried spears in their hands, though they wore common day clothing instead of armor.
“Greetings to you,” the man on the right stated. “Sorry if we’re a bit rude, but you don’t seem to be from this area.”
“We’re travelers on the road,” I informed the man. “If it’s possible, we’d like to stay the night here. We’ve brought our provisions so you don’t have to worry about feeding us.”
“If that’s the case, we’ll bring you to the village leader,” the man said as he beckoned us inside.
Sekh and I followed our escorts towards the center of the village, the eyes of the citizens focused on us as we went. While we walked, I began to observe my surroundings. Most of the buildings looked a little rough for wear, though they certainly seemed functional. Some of the villagers had hungry looks, but not to the degree of famine.
“Has agriculture been recovering here?” I asked our escorts.
“Somewhat,” one of the men replied. “The fields are slowly recovering, so some of the men have been going out to hunt more than before.”
Soon after, our group arrived at the village center, which was a large open area where meetings could be conducted. Beside the meeting grounds was a house that was vaguely more impressive than the rest. Outside of said house sat a man who looked to be in sixties, his black hair now equaled by an emergent grey.
“Ah, who might you be?” the old man greeted us as we approached him.
“I’m Iblis,” I told him. “My companion here is Sekh, we’re travelers on our way to Damask. We’d like to know if we can stay the night here.”
The elderly man examined the two of us for a short while before speaking. “I don’t see a problem, though I think you should stay at my home. The other villagers might not have as much room to spare as I do.”
“Then it’s settled,” I said with a grin. “Does anyone else live with you?”
“Not anymore,” the man replied. “My wife passed away a few years ago. One of my sons died during the war. My other son and daughter both live in the city of Beroea now.”
“I see, sorry for asking,” I said awkwardly. Well this is what I get for asking someone living in a former warzone.
“It’s fine,” the man assured me. “There’s no need to worry about that. Now let’s get you settled in.”
The man’s house was a fairly typical building for wealthy farmers. It was a one story building constructed from stout timber, mud, and straw. The room that we were led to had a simple mattress which was stuffed with straw and a linen blanket.
“Thank you for your hospitality,” Sekh said with a bow.
“Don’t worry, we’ll help prepare dinner tonight,” I informed him.
“I appreciate it,” the man said to us. “Normally I eat by myself, but this should be a nice change of pace.”
After that, Sekh and I began to unpack our belongings. We dropped off most of our equipment in our room, while I went to tie the horses to posts outside. As I was tending the horses outside, I was approached by a group of children, mostly boys between the age of 10 and 15. All of them were peeking at me curiously, too shy to start a conversation.
“Hey, you kids need something?” I asked the small crowd.
For a while, the kids chattered quietly among themselves before the biggest of the group went up to me.
“Are you a knight?” the boy asked me.
Well I am a hero and I could have become an Aswar, which is really similar to what a knight would be. Though it is interesting to note that the concept of a knight was actually brought to Stygia by foreigners from the lands west of Aeolia.
“Something like that,” I chuckled. “Are you curious?”
This could go either well or poorly.
“Cool,” the group nearly chanted. “Can we see your sword?”
I guess it went well this time. I thought out their question for a bit before I took my sword off my waist, the blade still inside the scabbard. When I handed it to the group, I could see their eyes gleaming.
“No fighting over it,” I warned as I closely watched over the kids. “I’ll take the blade out of the scabbard when I think it’s safe.”
Perhaps the children saw through my plan, but they began to behave much better than before. After the kids had finished passing around the sword, I took the blade back and unsheathed it gently.
“Now watch carefully,” I told the kids as I readied a stance with my sword.
“Wow,” one of the boys said in awe. “How old are you mister? You seem really good.”
“I’m 19,” I told him. “Well I’m good with a sword, but there’s a lot of better weapons out there.”
“You’re so young,” the boy said with wide eyes. “Do you think we can become as good as you someday?”
I stood silently for a moment as I thought of a response. I didn’t want to fill their heads with silly dreams, but neither did I want to outright mock them. Besides, I doubt any of these children will ever get some bullshit like hero powers. Because for every peasant that becomes a legendary hero, there are more than billions that just become numbers in a history book.
“Maybe,” I said cryptically. “But I don’t think it’s really worth it. If you ever learn to use a sword or weapon, it should be for self defence not a career. You’ll probably be happier that way and certainly a lot safer.”
The kids seemed disappointed with my little lesson, most likely having heard it from their parents before. Well I guess most young boys dream of becoming a great warrior one day. I could certainly say that I was like that.
After finishing up with the horses, I went back into the village leader’s house to make dinner. Using the hearth inside the home, I began to cook stew using some of the salt boar that we brought with us. During that time, Sekh decided to help dust the house.
“Thank you so much for helping me out,” the elderly man told us. “Really strange to see mercenaries be so good at housework.”
I couldn’t help but laugh a bit. If he knew who I was, it would certainly be an even more surreal image.
The rest of the night was unremarkable. Sekh and I found our room quite comfortable, certainly a nice change from camping outside. More importantly, neither of us had to keep watch that night. Well, I still stayed relatively alert in case something funny happened. It was early in the morning when Sekh and I continued on our journey.
“Thanks for letting us stay at your home,” I told the elderly man as we began to leave.
“No, I have to thank you for helping me out so much,” the man replied. “Good luck on your journey.”
“I appreciate it,” I said with a smile. “We’ll be off now.”
In order to reach Damask, Sekh and I would travel southeast towards the Chrysor river, which we would follow all the way to Damask. At least that’s what the map said. The path southeast was made up of mostly forested hills, though there were the occasional flatlands. We continued our journey for a day, mostly unmolested by the wildlife. However, as we neared the river, Sekh suddenly went on alert.
“Azel, I think there are people around,” Sekh cautioned. “I can see movements in the trees over there.”
The trees she pointed to were roughly six hundred meters to the southwest. I couldn’t really see shit.
“You know how many people there are?” I asked.
“Maybe a dozen or more,” Sekh informed me. “Seems a bit suspicious. Should we investigate?”
“Let’s not head directly towards them,” I warned. “We should get equipped before we start moving on.”
Sekh took out her shield, while I began to put on my full panoply and change my divine arm’s form. When I had finished, I was sitting on my horse in full armor with bow in hand and my lance strapped on my back.
“If those people happen to be dangerous, I want you to stay behind me,” I told Sekh. “It’s better that I go in front since I have more armor.”
“Got it,” Sekh replied. “Let’s see how things turn out.”
It's got a bit of an unidentifiable charm, like a post-war slice-of-life novel.
I can't recall the last time I read a story where they passed through a town and even less than expected happened because the leader they wanted to talk to was out. Refreshingly quiet.
Well I think nothing happening is mostly a slice of life thing. For novels that are more action intensive, then the author wouldn't want to waste time detailing about how serene and normal a village is. Instead, they would logically just briefly mention the event and go detail their next plot intensive scene.
This story has been super fun. Even just them travelling together and all the stuff they encounter on the way, keen for more as always.
Well, that's enough free editing feedback from me though. I'll probably lurk more and eventually give you a fair rating from what I've read. Good luck. I probably won't reply either. Nothing personal, but I've said what I can. 😁
Keep at it. I'm sure if you use what you've learned from this one on another novel you'll do even better. Try to get over yourself on some of those things holding you back. Have the confidence to shill for yourself. Later.
The lack of a sense of quantifiable progress in the underdeveloped systems of worldbuilding you currently have for things like magic, martial prowess, and crafting malign the quality and enjoyment in a story like this predicated on such an established trope like Heroes and the equivalent of a demon king where you really needed them to stand out more. Don't get me wrong. I like the slice of life, the romance, and the fights are decently choreographed, but there are missing elements that I mentioned, that you need to learn to balance with what works, the editing is really bad for everything but your syntax, and I can sadly see myself possibly getting bored with this series in the long run without that foundation, to be honest. This is a shame because I think you have a real talent for this, even if you say you don't take it seriously. You could easily publish to Kindle Unlimited with some minor editing. The things I listed wouldn't be difficult to add in for something like that, it just sounds like a lot spelled out like that.
For instance? You have said in an earlier comment that there is not enchanted gear, but it seems like there is to me after thinking about it. It just appears to be rare. His "divine" weapon and that "cursed" armor he had in the past for instance would be examples of enchantment.
The fantasy metal his kit is made of is usually some magic stuff. Some would classify it under alchemy and others enchanting. Maybe something else? Weirdly, you decided to not have a concept of alchemy at all. The monsters being good for little but what you might take from any animal. That's a really poor decision I think.
And when I talked about editing? I meant your math and sense of currency. The tone you meant to convey with certain characters and continuity errors I have noticed. There are few syntax errors.
You are in desperate need of some plot outlining and storyboarding, but there is a lot of give on that with a slice of life. Not unlimited, but there are some you can offset with pallet cleansers such as progress. Maybe he goes from an expert marksman to a master? Quantifiable progress, man.
Eh... I'm probably wasting my time saying all this, but it helps me too to point it out as constructively as I have.
I have no idea what you mean when you say "it helps me too to point it out as constructively as I have." This isn't an insult, I just don't comprehend.
Now it's time to address concerns.
In terms of worldbuilding, I think my issue is that I spread out the world building over the course of the story. So there might be stuff in the region of chapter 46, that could have been introduced in the first 5 chapters. I will try move some info around, though I don't want it to be obtrusive.
As for progress, most of the progress ramps up later on, especially because the situations in the early chapters don't allow for relative comparison nor logical improvement. Magic cannot be touched on for quite a while, especially because the mc can't use it. He wouldn't even be able to explain past the basics, since that's all he would logically know.
In regards to the enchanted stuff, the two mentioned examples are anomalies in an otherwise unenchanted world. And although it is theoretically possible to obtain more, there would be very little gain.
Money is something I intend to fix once I get a proper understanding of a subsistence economy. This is because the price system in this world is an unholy mix between modern capitalist prices and records from the middle ages, which is a fundamentally flawed method. However, I actually keep track of the money throughout the story. I don't know if one of us calculated wrong, but I do believe the margin would be small in that case.
About storyboards, I do use one though it might be considered sparse. The main issue is when I change my mind about something. Though I am in the process of editing chapters to match continuity.
This story is fundamentally meant to be a slow up emotional journey with some other progress sprinkled throughout. And while I really enjoy that you critique my work so I can improve my skill and use the info to edit chapters, I'm not going to hold you hostage and force you to read this if you don't enjoy it.
@longer
I don't have anything else to add, man.
Use it, don't use it. Don't want to develop your fantasy half by not having hard magic? Don't. Soft core fantasy is a thing and I'm sure you'll do fine, it's just not for me long term. It plainly just gets boring. There's a point where it gets derivative, but so was Star Wars and look how well they're doing.
Hmm. My last comment was about me and not you. It helps me personally to make post like I have, even if I think you or others won't use any of it, which no offense, but I don't think you would use one bit that wasn't a simple edit based on my observations. Even if you're great about responding. And that's not a bad thing. Though, it's not great either to be frank, but I'm sure on some level you know that. Even if it wasn't me saying all this and someone else or multiple people, many writers do not fix their weak spots. It's a rare trait that I don't see often and most authors that do have it publish using multiple filters. Discord and Patreon... so I usually never have long post like these for them, because someone else already has done that legwork for them and they use it like sponges for all its worth. And no, I'm
notpatronizing you. I don't have that skill either.
Anyway. It's good that you at least reply and keep some consistency with your release cadence. Usually the writers on here don't even reply to comments, end up dropping before finishing, let alone have this skill. Not even I'm good at that compartmentalized skill with something so personal and I was formally trained for mass communications before I switched majors to computer science. You probably don't even know what I mean by this skill and I would be impressed if you have read this far honestly, but there's no word for this as far I know. Even if it seems simple. sigh...
I digress.
What I meant was that It helps me personally to deconstruct things like these flaws I've mentioned when something in a story is bugging me on these kinds of non publication free to read sites. Most people won't bother to give you this kind of feedback and will just give you five star reviews. This I know from experience on both sides of it. Whether that's because they're lazy or feel they don't want to be rude I don't know. I'm use to broken arrow, fire strike brain storming ideas and suggestions from work. Anyway, it's nice to see these for other readers and because in the deconstruction I find out what I really like.
In any case, you've gotten the wrong idea. I don't feel forced to read. Just because I am honest and give constructive feedback doesn't mean there's nothing I enjoy. In fact, I wouldn't care enough to post if that were the case. I even pointed out things I liked about the story in my post. Though I don't blame you if you didn't read it or this.
I will likely keep reading, but I know me. I'll likely end up getting bored eventually. Probably after I've read what you have and then look at my long ass TBR list that has many series that don't have the issues I have with this one. A better slice of life harem than this? Herald of Shalia. If you get as good as that married couple I'll be impressed. They even have audio now with a famous anime VA.
@Ouroboros Part of the reason I respond is actually for future readers to stumble on these conversations and get an understanding of what goes in inside my brain. And while I always completely read everyone's responses, even multiple paragraph ones, I choose to not respond to everything or every aspect. This is the case where I hardly respond to grammar edits, I just fix the problem.
In truth, I truly appreciate getting serious feedback from people, no matter how scathing. Despite the fact that I have my own personal gripes with my work, which I am slowly fixing through editing, it's important for me to get feedback from outside perspectives.
And about the enjoyment part, I stated that because I have a feeling that you have a great interest in stories that with heavy progression, almost like a video game. So I wanted to let you know that this series isn't going in that route, in order to not waste your time.
Anyways, you don't have any obligation to respond. I just wanted to give my thanks for a service that is normally not free.