Koi (鯉)

by minacia

 

 

Premise Tags: Ancient Times,

Mythology, One-Sided Love, Shikigami,

Onmyoji, Master-Servant Relationship,

Arranged Marriage, Time Skips.

Content Warnings: depression, war,

(mistakenly) assumed sexual scene.

 

 

一

 

A shikigami is a tool.

 

We are made for a purpose.

 

My Master created me to be a warrior. I am his sword and shield, and I fight demons that cross over the boundary of the netherworld. On the battlefield, I slash and cut and plunge and bleed — against endless waves of monsters that pour out of the undying darkness. Sometimes it feels like I am swimming through murky waters thousands of meters under the sea, blinded by salty sprays of blood, writhing from countless stabs of pain, all while gradually and slowly suffocating.

 

But I am a fish, and it is impossible for me to drown.

 

I was created with one single purpose. 

 

My Master is an Onmyoji, and I am the puppet he uses to defend the world from evil.

 

Apparently, before I was given this current form, I used to be an ordinary fish in a pond. There is a small reflecting pool beside the teahouse that Master often likes to visit, and there are countless rainbow-colored carp beneath the bridge. Sometimes, customers toss breadcrumbs into the water to feed the fish. He tells me that one autumn day he was feeling a little melancholy due to the overcast clouds in the sky, so he randomly transformed a small fish to have someone to talk to.

 

I really like listening to my Master talk.

 

It makes me happy to listen to his voice.

 

He can ramble endlessly about all sorts of different interesting things. I often like to quietly eavesdrop on his classes when he lectures his disciples, even though the lessons are useless for me since I am only an artificial soul.

 

Master is my treasure.

 

He has given me many powers so that I can be useful to him, but it still drives me crazy trying to protect him. He is so flimsy, thin, and delicate. Humans are such fragile existences that teeter on the border of death.

 

I am grateful that he has given me life.

 

I would cease to exist without his magic that sustains my body and soul.

 

 

二

 

 

Today is the fourth day of the fourth lunar month of the year. The skies are clear.

 

My Master is to be married in three days, and I am happy for him.

 

The bride is very beautiful, and she is very kind. 

 

She has beautiful long silver hair that sparkles like the moon, and she glows as if a halo of sunlight forms a penumbra around her silhouette. I’ve been told that she’s the daughter of the moon goddess, and every part of her seems divine. 

 

Her name is Yuelian and she is immortal.

 

Apparently, the Heavenly Kingdom was impressed with Master’s accomplishments fighting Yama, the God of the Netherworld. Master’s sealing magic was the main reason why the 10,000 Year War finally ended. To reward him for his service, the King of Heaven offered Master demigod status once he marries a Celestial.

 

I am actually incredibly relieved. Humans are too flimsy, and I’m constantly afraid that my Master’s body will accidentally snap like a twig from silly things like tripping off the edge of a mountain. Even though he is very wise and powerful, he is actually very clumsy. I do not trust him with a kitchen knife. If Master becomes immortal, I won’t need to worry so much.

 

Right now, I am polishing the plates and tableware that will be used at my Master’s wedding. It is important that I scrub carefully because the translucent porcelain is made out of dragonspearl, and it is very precious. There is a window in the kitchen over the sink, and it faces the tea pavilion in the outdoor garden. 

 

I can see Master together with Yuelian.

 

They are laughing on the crescent-shaped bridge.

 

Master points at something in the water, and his eyes glimmer as he takes a small wafer of stale bread out of his flowing majestic robes.

 

I can’t hear what they are saying, but they are laughing.

 

They seem happy.

 

He crumbles the dried starch into fragments and it falls into the pond.

 

 

三

 

In the evening, my Master tends to me by recharging my magic.

 

As a shikigami, I cannot survive without Master’s generous supply of energy. I am like a wind-up toy with a coiled spring in my back, and I must be cranked at least once a day in order to have the strength to move.

 

Master presses his gentle hands into my back, and I close my eyes as I feel the rippling current of his lifeforce running through me, spreading throughout my body from my shoulder blades to the tingling tips of my toes. To an outsider, maybe it looks like my Master is giving me a back massage, except his hands are charged with magical energy, so it feels even better.

 

It’s legitimately the best sensation in the entire world.

 

His hands are warm.

 

I am a little envious of human warmth.

 

I am only a fish, so my skin is cold.

 

I often wish my body was warmer and softer, because then maybe Master would massage me for longer. He rarely touches me more than strictly necessary, so I don’t think he likes my scales very much. I am bony and stiff, so I am not very comfortable to lean on.

 

But I cannot change the way that I am.

 

I was created for a single purpose, and my scales are armor.

 

At the very least, Master seems happy.

“What do you think, Koi?” He asks while pouring energy into my back.

 

“About what?” I respond in plain confusion.

 

“What do you think of Yuelian?”

 

His bride.

 

There is a faint twinge of discomfort in my abdomen. From my peripheral vision, I can see a dreamy smile on Master’s face. It looks like he is floating in a cloud of cotton candy, and his absent-minded thoughts are clearly drifting away in heaven.

He isn’t really looking at me.

 

“She seems very kind,” I say softly.

 

“I know, right? She’s not what I expected. I always thought that Celestials would be arrogant and dignified, but Yuelian is mischievous and down-to-earth. She feels almost human, except with a larger heart and even bigger dreams. You’d think that immortality would be boring over time, but Yuelian never stops filling her plate with higher hopes and aspirations.”

 

“Mm.”

 

“I like her positivity and optimism. When you listen to her talk, it makes you feel like your craziest dreams are possible, and she makes you want to try even harder. It’s actually a little frightening — how fearless she is — she doesn’t even blink at the idea of failure. If anything, she smiles so brightly just from the opportunity to try.”

 

“It sounds like you two are a good fit for each other.”

 

Master smiles warmly at my words.

 

“I think so too,” he replies.

 

四

 

 

Lately, it feels like my stomach has been hurting randomly.

I’m not totally sure why, since I can’t even eat food. My body is artificial, so my stomach is fake. It doesn’t serve a purpose, and it’s just an illusory part of the spell that simulates my physical form.

 

I can’t get sick or hungry, so it’s probably not very important.

 

I continue to help with Master’s wedding preparations.

 

Today, I am hanging paper lanterns all around the estate. They are supposed to bless the newlywed couple and illuminate the path to their future, and each one contains a small spell with an ornamental effect. When the wedding ceremony is over, they will detach from their anchors and float up into the night sky. Hundreds of lanterns will light up the heavens.

 

It is difficult for me to feel useful, though.

 

Ever since Master sealed away the God of the Netherworld, the world has been peaceful. I was created to fight demons, and my only real talent is killing monsters. I am not very good at household chores, and the servants are much better than me at these tasks.

 

For instance, earlier I messed up with replacing the curtains in the master bedroom, and the maids needed to redo all of my work. I think they were too nice to criticize me, but I feel like I am making their lives more difficult since I get in their way.

 

I am not entirely sure if I have a purpose anymore.

 

It costs a lot of magical power for Master to maintain my physical form, and I don’t want to needlessly waste his energy. Mana is a precious resource for Onmyoji, and Master could become a lot more powerful if he didn’t have to worry about maintaining a shikigami who repeatedly drains his magic reserves.

 

Moreover, I don’t want to become a bother.

 

For instance, I was hanging a paper lantern on the balcony when I accidentally saw something that I wasn’t supposed to.

Master was kissing Yuelian in his office.

The Celestial’s hair was disheveled and her robes were undone. There was a bright red mark on her collarbone, and she was panting faintly with her back arched lasciviously over Master’s mahogany desk, her soft cheeks blushing a rosy pink color.

Obviously, I wasn’t supposed to see that.

 

I stiffly turned around and slipped away wordlessly. Once I climbed down from the balcony, I closed my eyes and took a breath.

 

I tried to calm down my pounding heart.

 

I was okay with this.

 

This didn’t bother me. I didn’t even react that much. I am a shikigami, a demon-slaying warrior, and a magical puppet. Certain emotions are useless and it is needless to say that I don’t have them.

 

Master is a human man, and it is natural that he has human urges.

 

He is happy, so I should be happy for him too.

 

I should be happy.

 

I should be happy.

 

I definitely wouldn’t cry from something like this.

 

Fish don’t even cry, anyway.

 

 

五

 

The door to the balcony suddenly bursts open.

 

“Koi! Wait. Stop.”

 

My feet gradually come to a standstill.

 

I slowly turn around, and Master is leaning over the edge of the railing. His silk robes are partially undone, and his long hair sways in the wind. There is an urgent look in his amethyst eyes, and he looks a little breathless.

 

“Wait for me, Koi,” he says.

 

He puts his leg up over the banister, as if he is trying to climb over the edge of the balcony. 

 

My eyes suddenly widen when I realize that he is going to jump from the second floor. Master is not athletic, and he definitely can’t leap from the balcony without injuring himself.

 

A moment later, I am flying across the courtyard just as a colorful bundle of fabric tumbles through the air. I moved reflexively without thinking, and in a blink of an eye, I’ve caught his willowy frame in mid-air. My feet descend slowly, and fallen sakura petals on the ground are swept away by a draft of air.

 

I am brimming with frustration. My Master is an idiot.

 

“Why did you jump?!” I snap at him. “You’re not immortal until after the wedding.”

 

Master is so fragile and delicate, and he feels as light as a feather in my arms. There were many times when I carried him like this when we were fighting demons in the netherworld. Needless to say, he has horrible battle instincts, and he tends to get into absurd situations with zero common sense.

 

“I was afraid you’d walk away if I took the stairs,” he replies. “This was faster.”

 

“You could have gotten badly hurt.”

 

“No. I knew you would catch me.”

 

My eyes narrow as my Master’s gaze suddenly grows serious. 

 

“Koi.” He says firmly in my arms.

 

“Yes?”

 

“If you’re upset about the wedding, I need you to tell me.”

 

“I’m not upset.”

 

My response is adamant and immediate.

 

“Dissatisfied, then.”

 

“I’m not dissatisfied. I think it’s good that you’ll become immortal.”

 

“Do you dislike seeing me with Yuelian?”

 

My mood is starting to sour from Master’s persistent questions, but I continue to answer him.

 

“She is a kind person,” I say.

 

“Koi, you’re being evasive. Being kind doesn’t mean that you like her.”

 

“There’s no reason for me to dislike her.”

 

“But you’re not happy about all of this, are you?”

 

“...”

 

My stomach feels queasy.

 

“Master, can you hold on for a second?”

 

I slowly set him on the ground on his two feet.

 

My mind is spinning and there is a heavy pressure on my chest. My stomach is hurting again, and the tightness in that spot is deeply uncomfortable. Somehow, I just want to curl up into a ball or at least hide from the sunlight. 

 

I feel a sudden urge to disappear.

 

I don’t want to think anymore.

 

It hurts to be here.

 

“Master, can you release my contract?” The words blurt out of my mouth without thinking. “I don’t think it’s necessary to keep me as your shikigami anymore. And maybe it’s more natural if I go back to being a regular fish.”

 

My hands feel cold and empty.

 

From the very beginning, I was just a small thoughtless fish in a pond.

 

Shikigami are unnatural distortions of life. Things were never supposed to be this way. The gods of fate probably hate my lingering existence, and even I know that it is wrong for shikigami to outlive their purpose.

 

My purpose was fulfilled already.

 

As such, it should be natural for my existence to end.

 

Master stares at me wordlessly.

 

There is a flutter of robes from the balcony. The beautiful daughter of the moon goddess floats down from the second floor, and she joins us in the courtyard in front of the residence. She had already cleaned herself up and fixed her appearance.

 

“Is something the matter?” Yuelian asks obliviously.

 

Master glances at her and then turns his gaze back towards me.

 

“My shikigami doesn’t know how to be honest,” he says dryly.

 

“Ah.” Yuelian responds.

 

She tilts her head quizzically.

 

“I suppose that means the wedding is called off, then?” She asks.

 

My master shrugs as if it were an obvious matter.

 

Confusion flickers through my eyes. Master had blatantly ignored my existential plea and was now discussing something else with Yuelian.

 

“I’ll have to apologize to the head maid. They put in a lot of work over the past couple weeks, so it’s a bit of a shame that their efforts went to a waste. However, if Koi doesn’t want a wedding, then we can’t have one,” Master says.

 

“Ah, that’s understandable,” Yuelian nods. “I’ll let my father know about the itinerary change. It won’t be a problem on our side.”

 

I open my mouth but then close it.

 

I struggle to find words.

 

“I… I don’t understand.”

 

My brain is trying to piece the puzzle pieces together, but nothing makes sense. The two of them were clearly in love with each other, and I couldn’t comprehend why the wedding was suddenly canceled.

 

The Celestial smiles wryly and pats me on the head.

 

“Don’t worry about it, little fish,” Yuelian says. “This was originally my suggestion, so if I hurt your feelings, it’s okay if you blame me. I am a little bit of a troublemaker, and sometimes I go overboard when I get too carried away.”

 

“I… Huh—?”

 

My eyes dart over to my Master in bewilderment.

 

He looks worried more than anything else.

 

The Celestial grins at me mischievously.

 

“It seems like I won the bet,” she says. “You are, in fact, in love with your Master.”

 

The Celestial declares it with such confidence, it practically causes my knees to shake. My eyes go totally expressionless and blank.

 

“What...?”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Master looks deeply concerned as he approaches me hesitantly. “When did it start? Have I been oblivious this entire time?”

 

“Wait…”

 

“Now the two of you just need to get married!” Yuelian announces cheerfully and rather insensitively.

 

I wave my arms wildly in front of me.

 

This… this isn’t okay...!

 

I am just a fish.

 

I’m not beautiful or kind or gracious like a goddess.

 

My vision was getting blurry but I didn’t know how to explain myself clearly.

 

Becoming a demigod is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and Master shouldn’t waste it. Moreover, I’m basically useless now that Yama has been sealed away. I’m a leech that consumes Master’s energy, and I’m not optimistic or shiny like the people that Master tends to prefer.

 

I’m not even a woman. I can’t give Master any children, and I’m not even sure if it’s possible for me to pleasure him properly. I know that Master is a fairly sexual man, and I’m not confident that I can satisfy him.

 

I can only think of my deficiencies.

 

I can only imagine everything that could go wrong.

 

But Master pulls me into his arms nonetheless. There is a concerned look in his eyes.

 

“Koi?” His voice travels hesitantly. “Can you tell me how you feel, clearly?”

 

I shudder for a moment at his touch, somehow distressed by this entire situation.

 

I stiffen, but then slowly nod.

 

First, I take a deep breath.

 

 

✿

 

Author's Account:

minacia (SH).