Chapter 1.
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Chapter 1.

When I came to, the scenery around me was quite different from what I was used to. It wasn’t my room, that much was obvious. With my back to the ground, all I saw was a pitch-black abyss in place of what should be the ceiling of my room.

I sat up and looked around, but be it left, right, or directly in front of me, it was all the same.

“Oh, you have awakened?” I was caught off guard by the feminine voice that suddenly chimed in from behind me.

I jolted to my feet and turned around. My immediate fear was that I’d been abducted by some batshit crazy woman.

“Who in the hell are you and where have you taken me!” I asked the woman illuminated by a circular spotlight seated on an exquisite chair with one leg crossed over the other.

“Taken you? I haven’t taken you anywhere. You came here yourself naturally.”

“I came here myself?” I raised one brow doubtful toward her claim.

“Yes, you did.”

I don’t remember ever coming to a strange place like this. The last thing I remember was… oh, right, furiously getting myself off with that sex toy I just received. I’d been at it constantly since it arrived. It was truly an out-of-this-world experience.

“Why are you lying to me?”

“I’m not lying to you. You really came here on your own.”

“If that’s the case, where is this exactly?”

“Heaven,” she said with a benevolent smile.

“I’m leaving.” Sheesh, crazy people these days. Heaven doesn’t really exist. This must be one of those sketchy sex scams I’ve heard of and they’re just calling this place heaven. I’m not falling for it. They’ll probably try to extort a lot of money out of me if I go along with this nonsense.

“You can’t leave. You’re in heaven and already dead.”

“Already dead? If I was dead how would I be speaking to you right now?”

“It’s because you’re dead that you’re speaking to me.”

“What kind of scam are you running here? Extortion? Is it money you want?”

“Huh? Money? No, I have no need for money.”

“Then what are you after? Are you trying to get some dirt on me?”

“Why would I want dirt on you?”

“How would I know, why don’t you tell me why you want dirt on me?”

“How about I just prove to you that you are dead?”

“Prove I’m dead, how?”

“Come closer.”

“No way, it’s probably a trap.”

“Haaaah. You’re really a pain in the ass.”

She stood up and closed the distance. The spotlight remained locked onto her. Her hips swayed from side to side with each step she took.

When she was directly in front of me, she raised her arm. Her open palm covered my left eye. When she pulled her hand back, I could see her fist with my right eye, but not my left. All I saw from my left eye was darkness.

I raised my hand and touched my left eye. My heart leapt out of my chest as my breathing picked up.

“My eye! What did you do to me!” There was nothing there. Where my eye once was remained nothing more than an empty socket. I stared at her right hand in horror as she revealed what she was holding. When she opened her hand I could see myself with my left eye. My right eye could see my left eyeball in her hand staring back at it.

“It doesn’t hurt and you can still see just fine despite your left eye not being connected to your body, right?”

I gulped nervously and nodded as sweat trickled down my forehead. What kind of magic trick was this supposed to be? Where’s the smoke and mirrors? This must be some sort of illusion.

“It’s not an illusion. Here you go.”

She casually threw the eyeball in her hand up in a parabolic arc toward me.

I caught it and a shiver ran down my back. It was… really my eyeball.

“What am I supposed to do with this? Fix my left eye right now!”

“You can just pop it back in and it’ll be as good as new.”

“Pop… it back in? Are you kidding me?”

“I’m dead serious. I’m a Goddess, I don’t kid.”

“A Goddess? Screw you! You’re just a sadistic bitch who takes pleasure in removing men’s eyeballs.”

“I can do a lot more than just remove eyeballs. If you like, there is another pair of balls I can remove for you.” She let out a sinister smirk as her gaze lowered.

I backed away from her and took up a defensive stance. “Stay away from me.” I’m not prepared to lose those balls anytime soon.

“If you don’t want to lose them then just accept the fact that you’re already dead.”

Well, looking at the left eyeball in my hand that I could still see from, it was hard to refute.

“Couldn’t you have proved I was dead a different way?”

“I’ve learned that it’s much easier to convince an extreme skeptic through graphic methods like this. For example, if I just read your mind and said what you were thinking, you’d just think I was just really good a reading people and we’d go back and forth for a while. This way is the simplest most efficient method.”

“Then… I really am dead and this is heaven?”

“No, it actually isn’t. I lied earlier.”

“You lied? You mean I’m not dead?”

“No, you’re definitely dead, it’s just that this isn’t actually heaven.”

“It… isn’t heaven? Then where-”

“Hell. This is actually Hell. I’m also not a Goddess, I’m a Demonic Goddess.”

“Oh, so it’s Hell. Why didn’t you just say that to begin with? I would have actually believed you if you said that to start with.”

“Hehehe. Is that despair I smel- wait. What?”

I looked at her confused.

“What the heck? Where’s your juicy despair? Whenever I get people’s hopes up by telling them they’re in Heaven only to later reveal it was a lie and they’re in Hell, they always despair. Why are you not despairing? No, actually, why are you perfectly fine with the existence of Hell but not Heaven?”

“Because Heaven sounds like Hell to me anyway. There’s no difference between the two. Living by itself is already hell, which is why I could accept it if you told me I was in Hell.”

“There’s something wrong with your head.”

“How rude, I’m perfectly normal.”

“You’re really not.”

“By the way, if I’m no longer alive, how exactly did I die?”

“You don’t remember?”

“No, not at all. The last thing I remember is using that sex toy I bought.”

“I see. Well, your death was pathetic. So pathetic that even I as a Demonic Goddess felt pity for you.” 

Wow, I made a Demonic Goddess feel pity? Do I get a reward for that?

“My death was that bad?”

“Yes.”

“What was so pitiful about it?”

She looked at me and asked, “Are you sure you want to know?”

“Yes.”

“Have you heard of death by orgasm?”

“Yeah, I have. Did I die from an orgasm?” That sounds like a pretty awesome way to die if you ask me. What would be pitiful about that?

“No. You did not. You died from cumming yourself to death with a sex toy. To be more specific, the orgasm itself isn’t what killed you. Dehydration as a result of sweating from jerking off too much with that sex toy did.”

I blinked once. Then twice more. I then asked, “Seriously? Dehydration… from sweating too much while I was jerking off with a sex toy? That is my official cause of death?”

“Yes. That is what the doctor wrote down for your cause of death while laughing to the point he passed out from lack of oxygen.”

I fell to my hands and knees. Why couldn’t it have just been dying from the orgasm? I would have been totally fine with that. Dehydration? What the hell is this? It’s too pathetic. Was this what they meant when they said someone was thirsty?

“Fear not though. I’ve decided to give you a second chance.”

“A second chance? A Demonic Goddess is offering to give me a second chance?”

“Yes. I will let you have sex with me.”

“Hah? Sex with you? Sorry, but don’t you think a bit too highly of yourself to assume I’d be interested in having sex with you?”

Her eyes twitched.

“What the hell is your problem? You’re supposed to jump at the opportunity before I laugh at you mockingly and shatter your dreams for even thinking I’d actually have sex with you.”

“Oh, so it was just another lie to try and get me to despair. I see. Sorry. We can try that again if you want. I’ll be sure to put on that act of despair you wanted to see.”

“Fuck off. It’s too late for that.”

“So… this is hell… what now?”

“What do you mean, what now?”

“Well, am I going to burn for all eternity?”

“If you were going to burn for all of eternity, you’d already be doing that rather than be here speaking to me.”

“Then why are we speaking?”

“Well, it’s a bit complicated… but Heaven’s short-handed as of late and requested assistance from Hell.”

“Oh, I see. I see. Sounds like Heaven’s a busy place.”

“Rather than because it’s busy, it’s because of something else.”

“I see.”

“Anyway, forget that for now. It’s time for you to start your new life. Since your death was so pitiful I’ll be nice and transport you to another world as you are rather than making you start over from birth. You can’t go back to your old world since you’ve already been declared dead. It’d create too many complications if a dead person suddenly returned to life. But randomly squeezing you into another world where no one knows you should be fine.”

“Can I just not and stay here instead? It sounds like a pain in the ass. I’d rather slack off, jerk off, and do nothing all day.”

“Absolutely not, you can’t just stay here and do nothing.”

“What? Why not? Is there some sort of rule that prohibits me from doing that?”

“It’s because I said so.”

“What? There’s no rule and it’s just because you said so?”

“Yes.”

“Can I speak to your manager?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I said so.”

“Tch.”

“I’m starting to regret taking pity on you.”

“I’m starting to regret that you took pity on me too. Why couldn’t it be someone more accomodating who took pity on me instead of someone stingy like you?”

She started breathing heavily while holding her forehead.

“I may not be… a Goddess in Heaven… but I am… a Demonic Goddess in Hell. You hear that? A Demonic Goddess. A Demonic Goddess in hell is still a Goddess.”

I glanced at her with a pitiful look and said, “So a Walmart third rate No Name brand Goddess? If that’s what you want to be, I won’t judge.”

“Would you like to die a second time?”

“Uh… I’ll pass.”

“Then shut the hell up.”

“Do I get to take anything to this other world you’re sending me to?”

“Oh, I almost forgot. Yes, that’s right, that is part of the deal. You are able to take one thing of your choice with you.”

“Really? Great, it’d suck to go to another world empty-handed.”

“Here, you can choose what you’d like to take from this catalog.”

“Can I choose something that’s not in the catalog?”

“You can’t choose me if that’s what you were thinking. That option has been banned. The whole reason Heaven is short-handed is because a bunch of idiots continually requested to take Goddesses with them to the world they were being sent to after one moron discovered it was possible.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I wouldn’t take you even if you were part of a buy one get one Walmart No Name brand Goddess free offer. I’ve read enough novels to know that Goddesses are all useless good-for-nothings. They can’t even do simple things like sex properly. Besides that… heh, you’re not even that hot.” If it was a normal person I’m sure they’d be jumping at the opportunity, but I just don’t understand the appeal.

“Hahaha… you’re really looking to die again, aren’t you?” She had an extremely irritated ‘say another word and I’ll really butcher you’ look on her face.

“Sorry, it was my mistake. You’re actually so beautiful that I couldn’t find the words to describe you because I was too nervous. Pfft.” It was 

“Just shut up and pick something to take with you.” Having lost all patience with me she appeared ready to send me on my way without even giving me the chance to pick something.

“You didn’t answer my question before. Am I able to choose something that isn’t in the catalog or not?”

“That depends what it is.”

“Well, I’d like an indestructible version of the sex toy I bought that has the ability to absorb… well, you know.” I winked at her.

“That’s what you want to take- no… haaaaah... never mind. When you say, ‘you know,’ what is it specifically that you want it to absorb?”

“Absorb, you know,” I winked again, “so it can basically clean itself without any effort on my part.”

“Hmmm… I see, so you want it to absorb stuff that gets inside it so you don’t need to worry about ever cleaning it out? Is that right?”

“Yes, exactly that.”

“And you also want to ensure it is indestructible so it doesn’t break when you are using it since you won’t be able to get a replacement if it breaks?”

“Precisely. Can you do it?”

“Yes, that is not a problem. I can make it happen.”

“Really? That’s great! It seems you’re not such a useless Goddess like I initially thought.”

“Here you go, it’s bound to you so nobody can take it.” After the sex toy I was familiar with materialized in her hand she tossed it over to me.

“That was quick. Did you really do what I asked?”

“Yes, I did, now please fuck off to another world far away from me where I never have to see your face again, you bastard.” Without any prior warning, she raised her leg up off the ground and grumbled, “Tch. This is the last time I ever feel pity for anyone.”

She gave me a good kick in the gut sending me flying into the black abyss. Judging by how quickly she shrank into the distance, the rate at which my body flew away from her was in constant acceleration.

Before she completely disappeared from my line of sight, I heard her voice one final complaint, “This jackass really places more value in a sex toy than me? What the hell is wrong with this infuriating moron?”

“Hmmph! A sex toy will always be there for you when you’re horny and will never betray you in your times of need. But a woman? You never know when she’ll get tired of you and heartlessly throw you away like a used rag.” Not only that, they tend to be on the crazier side, and a lot of them are just an outright pain in the ass to deal with these days. I’m perfectly content with a sex toy, thank you.

With those pitiful parting words, my meeting with the Demonic Goddess came to an end while my life in a new world together with my indestructible sex toy began.

I don't even know why I wrote another chapter for this or had the urge to make this an isekai. This fiction is so cursed and I'm sorry to anyone who reads this. Since there's a vibrator isekai, I figured hey, there may as well be the fleshlight equivalent too.

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