Wakes up at 4:30 AM. I had my shower and put my uniform on. I'm ready to go down to the kitchen. Suddenly I stop from where I am standing only to realize that there's no need for me to wake up so early as there's no reason to continue making a bento. The purpose of it all vanishes because of what had happened. I sat on the floor, and my tears just start dripping.

At school, people keep looking at me. Some are also gossiping about me as I walk in the hallways going to my classroom. I just look down so they would not see my face. Some are avoiding me as if I have an infectious disease, and random people would call me different names such as fag, gay, slut, and other curse words. I tried not to listen to them. I may be used to it, but I'm just a human, and it is hurting me. I've been bullied since I transferred here, and there's nothing I can do about it. This kind of scenario already becomes a part of my daily struggles, but now things are different. It got off on my hands, and it's getting worse.

"Don't mind them, and don't give your attention to them. You know who you are, so live your life to the fullest. I'm always here to support you on whatever decision you will make," Charm said, appearing unexpectedly from my back. I smiled at her because those simple words she uttered made me a little bit okay.

In the class, I'm trying my best to be attentive, yet a part of me can't focus, and I see myself staring at Shane over and over again.

Right now, there's no teacher, and Charm is at my table talking to me.

"Will you be going somewhere this Christmas break for your birthday?" she asked.

"No, I don't think so. I'm not planning to celebrate it either," the response I gave to the question.

She frowned. "Are you seriously saying that? You may be brokenhearted, and I understand that, but your life isn't all about that. Examine your thoughts, reconsider it and tell me where you want to celebrate," she said, and she gets back to her table. Ley at my side has his own world.

Time passed by so fast, and things aren't going any better. Name callings never end, and there are days that I think they are going overboard. Some days I will see drawings of male genitalia in my desk, chair, or on my personal things and even in books. Other days they would put trashes and dirt on my bag. Every day I would see a guy make fun of me being gay.

Remember. I told you that as much as possible, I tried not to use the restroom on campus. There's one time that I really need to use it, and I came out soaking wet because boys are fooling around there, and they have chosen me to be their play toy. Shane was just at the door looking at me and doing nothing as I become the laughing stock of others inside the male comfort room. I run out, not even looking in my way, and I bumped into Ley.

He asked me, "what happened?" I lied and told him that; "the floor was wet, and I slipped, that's why I'm all wet," even if that is not true. I know Ley would not believe it, but he did say anything else, and he just let me borrow one of his extra clothes in his locker in the soccer team's club room. I changed in front of Ley as there is no one else is here. Shane suddenly appears with a towel with him, but I just ignored him and immediately put the shirt on.

The daily torment continues together with everyday heartbreak seeing Solanne making Shane very happy. I wish that I am the one who makes him happy and the reason for every smile he would make, but it is not the reality. I am also losing the battle inside of me. There's no one I can run to. I know I have my friends, but I don't want them to be trouble too, so I got to keep it all myself.

The Christmas break comes, and I just stayed in my room overthinking, crying, and trying to fix myself. Sometimes I would bury myself in reading dozens of books or even a movie marathon to divert my attention. I try to entertain myself by talking to Grace and Nissi from the province, consistently telling them that I am doing great and there's no problem at all. I kept myself from the outside world, but Ley would constantly visit me. I'm picking up the pieces of me in the ground wanting to put them back together, but it's no use as I keep on breaking every time that Shane will come into my foolish brain.

I'm asking myself how, when, and why. How did I start loving Shane? When did it start? Why him? I cannot respond to myself as there's no answer to these questions. All I know is that I woke up one day, and I realized that he is the one that makes my heart skip a beat. I tried to stop and even oppose it, but there's nothing I could do about it. The next thing I know is that I'm doing silly things for him, and I did not regret telling how I feel about him, even if it's hurting me now. A part of me was happy doing those idiotic little acts for him. 

Maybe I am a masochist, and that is my way of loving someone.