I somehow escape Leonel’s grasp, finally walking out of the bathing area and outside for some fresh air.
This high sexual tension is no good for my heart, ugh.
It was already noon and we had worked like slaves since yesterday; me even before that since I had to wear dresses and pretend to be a lady servant; so the pause was very welcome.
I could hear them inside preparing dinner, the ingredients collected from a garden in the backyard, so I went out to think.
I keep walking in the garden basking in its unique beauty even if it still needed some cleaning, the floor filled with little white stones and big ones making paths here and there, passing beside a lagoon filled with colored fishes and carps swimming comfortably over the crystal clear water, some flowers and leaves floating on top falling from the bended trees on top, some filled with flowers and dark green leaves, other filled with red leaves and white wood.
I took the vision in slowly, enjoying the fresh humid air, watching the fishes for a while and how they smoothly mover around. There was even a red bridge up front so I could look down better, finding out some turtles as well in the water, their little heads popping out from time to time.
It was getting dark so I turned on the lanterns from outside, the little square things looking like a mini house with the light on on the inside, their little roofs forming the same shape as the house, as a curvy upsidedown V.
It was a beautiful place indeed, very calm and relaxing.
I stay over the bridge, resting my arms on the railing and looking down, finally in peace and alone to think of everything that has been happening until now, with Leo and all.
I mean, he has been very clear in what his intentions are towards me… But everything happened so fast that I didn’t have time to think… To overthink again probably, but nonetheless, I needed time to settle my thoughts straight.
And all of that made me think of my past a lot, and not the Hound one.
I knew that it was in a place very different from the one we are in right now; for example, there was no magic or talking magical creatures, but machines and technology.
Though most still remained a mystery to me; especially my death; some parts of my memory came back to me once I started to use more of my humanoid form, not just the instinctive bits as before.
My name was Ryan, one of the lucky ones to get out of the adoption system and still manage to get a decent job, even when I was throw in the streets as a kid because, let’s face the facts, I still was a kid when time came for me to face life alone.
But that’s a talk for another day.
I remember being a divorced father of a little boy, who was taken away from my life because of the “perfect life” my ex got with her new husband.
It hurt. It still does.
Until 32 years; for all I can remember; I was an English teacher, teaching French and other languages as well later on just for fun, and being the cool type of teacher, that type that was very liked by the teenagers, had some tribal tattoos and a short black hair, was a singer on a rock band on the weekends, but had glasses on just to look more professional.
And because I needed them too…
All in all, what Leo, the… the situation brought forth weren’t those parts, no, but… but the years I spend not knowing, not believing, denying so much that my subconscious took its tool and even I couldn’t believe once I found out.
That I was gay.
Pff, like, seriously? I had married a woman before for 2 years, I was a father, I was old enough to know things like this and yet… and yet for years I didn’t realize, didn’t understand, didn’t want to believe, to the point of the mere thought not even crossing my mind anymore.
And that hurt too.
The weight I carried without noticing, the pain of not giving myself the freedom I deserved, of never feeling complete as if something was always missing, an strange emptiness of denying myself for… what? Acceptance? From who? Society? They didn’t give a shit about me. Family? Didn’t have one. My career? I could always sue them if they try to fire me for being homosexual.
It seems stupid now, that I suffered alone through all those years, trying to be… trying to fit in, and for nothing; and the realization at the same time frighten and relief me.
Life is too short to waste trying to fit in, trying to please others.
Love and happiness are too precious to be denied because of others.
In the end, the only thing, the only one, that accompany you until the end is ourselves.
And that was the most I made from my past life; and knowing that I already wasted one lifetime made me cherish this one even more.
I would live as I wanted to. As I wish too.
I would dive myself head in and live to the fullest.
I would not push my happiness back anymore.
I would… give me and Leo a chance.
And maybe I could finally let myself be happy and free.
One lifetime being wasted alone was enough.
An old companion, seemed aware of the thoughts coming and going in my mind, speaks to me:
“Do you want to give him a chance?” Says the ancient voice, the one and only that stayed with me far in my journey, who always stayed by my side no matter what, guiding me, teaching me.
Never thought however that I would ask the voice of the night for love advice.
“Well, I-I think I do, I mean, he is handsome and all, and kind, he never treated me badly, on the contrary… Really, I keep trying to find a reason to love him, at the same time I keep thinking why I shouldn’t, it is just, confusing… I mean, I don’t even know how to act, how to react! Even worse when I think of-of… you know… that, I mean, what should I do? What if I make any weird sounds? What if I act weird? What if he is disgusted by me? By the things I want to do with him…”
“Wow, wow, come down… Uhm… let me think… Well, just be yourself, he already loves you, and by what he says he might know you even better than you think, so nothing to fear there right?”
“Plus how to react in… cough cough… those moments you don’t need to fear anything right? You said so yourself that you can’t think straight once he touches you, so in the end you will only react to his advances right? Unless you are the top one…”
“The top? Of what?”
“Oh, come on, you are not that innocent… right?”
“Cough cough, anyway~, relax a bit. Why don’t you enjoy his company instead? You are so worried about what he may think, what you must do, that you don’t even enjoy his company. Just, try for once to let your guard down uhm? Shouldn’t be that difficult…?”
I sigh. “Is that too. Let him in my life like that, let him be such an important part of my life… I always did everything by myself, you know… and I just… can’t seem to get my head over it, I guess… I think I’m scared of it all…”
“Is alright… You just need to relax a bit… Thilgon, I consider you my child at this point, even though I’m just an entity, and I really wish you could enjoy life a little more, relax a little, being so serious about everything, trying to be prepared to all, won’t do you good. Just… learn to live a little more, to love life, to be happy.”
“I’m happy.” Aren’t I?
“Are you?” Silence follows, and he sighs. “Goodnight, my child.”
“Night.” I said, distracted, with a lot to think about.
I stayed put after our conversation, simply watching the passing of time as the moon shone brightly over the Japanese garden, the image is worthy of a picture or a painting, the lack of the warm sun made the night chilly, the best type to have a cozy gathering over a fire.
“Thil, dinner is ready.” I hear from behind as Leo figure appears between the foliage, his hand brushing the branches away to get to me.
After putting some thought to it I did not feel like panicking anymore in his presence, actually now that I was really taking him in I could really see him, how his calming golden eyes were always focusing on me, watching my every move in an almost predatory way, but somehow comforting too as he was looking after me, trying to find out if anything was wrong.
How his blond hair was gently being blown by the wind, how his slightly pointy ears give him a sharper look, how his gaze only soften when his eyes meet mine, how he unconsciously smiles when hearing my name.
Ok, maybe I had paid some attention to him before, but now it seems… different. Like, the acceptance made me… more confortable, lighter even.
He must have noticed something was off because he stops once he sees me, frowning a little as I look him up.
“What are you up to?” He asks, raising a questioning eyebrow as I stride closer to him, going down the bridge and following the stones paths towards him.
I say nothing, raising my own eyebrows and giving wide steps as I approach, circling him around with a little smile, making him even more stun and confuse.
“Nothing really…” I said, a smug smile on my face, my tail wiggling behind me.
“Is that so…? How about going in to eat them?” He says, about to turn, when I approach quickly and stay on tiptoes to give him a peek on the lips.
Caught by surprise he doesn’t react, giving me time to laugh at his expression, running towards the building, only stopping once I was close to look back at him with a smug smile on my face and butterflies in my tummy.
“Aren’t you coming…?” I say, embarrassed yet giddy, an electric sensation tingling my body surging from my lips. Never being so excited yet hesitant before, it was a weird sensation.
He held his finger over his lips, as if mesmerized, but once the effect passes and the fact dooms on him, a big goofy smile curves his lips, his golden eyes shining like never before under the moonlight.
I just tilt my head sideways, flapping my ears, hiding a giggle and turning around, tail high, and walking inside the room to eat.
It was fun to tease him back too, feed him the same poison, I’m just mindful that it won’t backfire.
But for the first time, I did not mind if it did…
I just hope that I made the right decision.
Author: Voice of the night are you sick? You haven’t stopped coughing…
Author: Good advices though, hehe.
V.N.: … *thumbs up* ( ◑ω◑☞)☞
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Oh, and how about some recomandations from time to time? This week I recommend Nurturing the Hero to Avoid Death (BL translated, vid novelupdates) for more tsundere love~
If you read it tell us what you think!
See ya Friday!~~~