I had a troubled night's sleep. Fred and George wavered in and out of my dreams, never speaking, but always looking me up and down with lust-filled eyes while Terry waved his phone excitedly at me, enthusiastically saying how proud he was of Draco for becoming a prefect, then in the same breath saying that only prats become prefects. Mrs Weasley sobbed over Kreacher's dead body, watched by Harry, Ron, and Hermione who were wearing crowns, and then I found myself walking down a corridor ending in a locked door. I awoke abruptly with my scar prickling to find the twins already dressed and talking to Terry. 

"...Better hurry up, Mum's going ballistic, she says we're going to miss the train..."  

"That's hilarious." Terry spluttered. "Imagine. We'd rock up SO fuckin' late to the feast and be absolute legends. Remember that flying car, too? You lot were recognised as legends throughout the whole school... still are, to be fair." 

"Wouldn't mind doing that again, to be honest. Hogwarts Express has gotten stinky of firsties lately." George scrunched up his nose. 

There was a lot of commotion in the house. I stumbled around, throwing on a low-cut crop top and denim shorts as the room whirled around me. I caught Fred's wandering eyes on my body as I bent over to tie my shoes, and I grinned to myself as I stood up to grab Snidget's cage, letting Banter twist herself around my forearm. I hurried out of the room, taking the steps two at a time, then burst into Harry and Ron's room, plonking my black owl's cage down beside Hedwig's. 

"Thanks, Harry!" I said cheerily, before turning and rushing out of the room, as Harry and Ron exchanged glances. 

I turned to go up the stairs, only to see two huge objects flying straight towards me. 

"Woah -!" 

The objects hurtled straight into me and knocked me down two flights of stairs into the hall; I was instantly winded, losing all my breath as I fell flat on my back on the floor. I lay there, my head spinning, gasping to try to get the air back into my lungs. Banter hissed loudly; she was saved from impact on the ground by my wrist falling onto my soft stomach. 

"Fuck!" I breathed. 

Just then, two boys and a formidable motherly figure came rushing towards me. 

"Shit, Softpaw, I'm so sorry!" Fred gasped, looking as though he wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. "I swear we didn't mean to - are you alright? Does anything hurt?" 

"My feelings." I grumbled as Fred gently lifted me from the floor. 

Mrs Weasley bustled towards me, her face the picture of fury. 

"Daisy, dear, are you okay? Does anything hurt? Did you hit your head?" 

I shook my head. "I'm one-hundred percent okay, Mrs Weasley!" I said brightly. 

Mrs Weasley gave me a once over, gently lifting up my hair to check my head, twisting and turning my arms and wrists. I winced, hissing in pain as she turned the wrist without Banter on it. "You can set her down now, Fred." She said dubiously, eyeing her son. 

Fred cautiously set me down, upright. I swayed a little as my feet touched the floor. 

"Right, well, this'll need a little sling, Daisy, until you can see Madam Pomfrey. And your head's bleeding a bit. But you'll be okay." Mrs Weasley said soothingly, brushing my hair back from my forehead. With a flick of her wand, I had a small plaster on my forehead, and a soft pastel-blue sling fashioned to my shoulder, holding up my wrist. She nodded twice before turning once again to the twins with an aura of authority. 

"Did you two just bewitch your trunks to fly downstairs, to save the bother of carrying them?" She said, her voice dangerously quiet. 

Fred and George exchanged a cautious look, then nodded slowly. 

The next five minutes consisted of both Mrs Black and Mrs Weasley screaming at the top of their voices. 

"- COULD HAVE DONE HER A SERIOUS INJURY, YOU IDIOTS -" 

"- FILTHY HALF-BREEDS, BESMIRCHING THE HOUSE OF MY FATHERS -" 

I swiftly escaped, darting upstairs as the twins mouthed at me desperately, "Please don't leave us here!" I burst into Harry's room at the same time Terry thundered downstairs with our trunks. 

"You alright?" Terry and Harry chorused. 

"Mrs Weasley patched me up." I said. 

"But now Mad-Eye's complaining that we can't leave unless Sturgis Podmore's here, otherwise the guard will be one short." Hermione huffed as she waltzed into the room. 

"Guard?" Harry said.

"What do we have to go to King's Cross with a fucking guard for?" I groaned, flopping down on Harry's bed. 

"YOU have to go to King's Cross with a guard." Hermione corrected me. 

"UGHHHH." I groaned loudly. Terry sat beside me and patted my arm sympathetically. 

"Why?" Harry said irritably. "I thought Voldemort was supposed to be lying low, or are you telling me he's going to jump out from behind a dustbin to try and do us in?" 

"I don't know, it's just what Mad-Eye says," Hermione said distractedly, looking at her watch, "but if we don't leave soon we're definitely going to miss the train..." 

"I mean, You-Know-Poo -" 

"- Riddle." 

"- Riddle wants you guys kidnapped, especially you, Softpaw, so he might just send his minions to capture you." Terry said, a flicker of anxiety passing through his face for a brief moment, before his cheeky grin reappeared. 

"WILL YOU LOT GET DOWN HERE NOW, PLEASE!" Mrs Weasley bellowed and Hermione jumped as though scalded and hurried out of the room. Harry seized Hedwig, stuffed her unceremoniously into her cage, and set off downstairs after Hermione, dragging his trunk. Ron, Ginny, Terry, and I all exchanged glances, then followed. 

Mrs Black's portrait was howling with rage but nobody was bothering to close the curtains over her; all the noise in the hall was bound to rouse her again, anyway. 

"Harry, you're to go with Ron, Arthur, and Kingsley!" Mrs Weasley shouted over the repeated screeches of "MUDBLOODS! SCUM! CREATURES OF DIRT!" Daisy, you're to come with me, Fred, George, Terry, and Tonks! Leave your trunks and your owls, Alastor's going to deal with the luggage... Oh, for heaven's sake, Sirius, Dumbledore said no!" 

A bearlike black dog had appeared at my side as he was clambering over the various trunks cluttering the hall to get to Mrs Weasley. 

"Oh HONESTLY..." Mrs Weasley said despairingly. "Well, on your own head be it!" 

She wrenched open the front door and stepped out into the weak September sunlight. Fred, George, Terry, me, and the dog followed her. The door slammed behind us and Mrs Black's screeches were cut off instantly. 

"Where's Tonks?" I said, looking round as we went down the stone steps of number twelve, which vanished the moment we reached the pavement. 

"She's waiting for us just up here." Mrs Weasley said stiffly, averting her eyes from the lolloping black dog beside me. I grinned, reaching down to pet him. "Fred, George, no magic unless we're attacked." Mrs Weasley added, eyeing up the wands that the twins were grasping tightly underneath their jackets. 

"We're not GOING to, Mum!" Fred said. 

"You have such a low opinion of us, Godric, Mum..." George shook his head. 

"They wanna protect you. It's SOOOO cute!" Terry giggled into my ear, and I swatted him away. 

An old woman greeted us on the corner. She had tightly curled grey hair and wore a purple hat shaped like a pork pie. 

"Wotcher, guys." She said, winking. "Better hurry up, hadn't we, Molly?" She added, checking her watch. 

"I know, I know," Mrs Weasley moaned, lengthening her stride, "but Mad-Eye wanted to wait for Sturgis... If only Arthur could have got us cars from the Ministry again... but Fudge won't let him borrow so much as an empty ink bottle these days... How Muggles can stand travelling without magic..." 

But the great black dog gave a joyful bark and gambolled around us, snapping at pigeons and chasing his own tail. The four of us couldn't help laughing. Sirius had been trapped inside for a very long time. Mrs Weasley pursed her lips in an almost Aunt Petunia-ish way. 

Fred stopped for a second to tie his lace, then Apparated next to me to catch up. Mrs Weasley turned around, frowning at him. 

"Which one of you just Apparated?" 

"Wasn't me." Fred said with a poker-face. 

"Don't know what you're talking about." George said. 

Mrs Weasley frowned deeper and turned back around. 

Fred and George low-fived. Fred glanced at mine and Terry's hands; we'd been holding hands casually while walking down the street, and Fred raised an eyebrow. 

"Wow, Softpaw, you and Hopper back together?" 

I snickered. "Nah, bro. We just besties." 

Fred and George pondered this. "Okay. I'm your bestie too, Softpaw. Give that hand here." 

So I took Fred's hand, and George took Fred's other hand, and us four walked down the street, taking up the whole footpath, all joined together in a line. Other pedestrians had to step out into the road to pass us as we sniggered, and Mrs Weasley kept looking back at us with a bothered expression while the old woman's eyes twinkled at us, and the dog woofed joyously. 

It took us twenty minutes to reach King's Cross on foot and nothing more eventful happened during that time than Sirius scaring a couple of cats for our entertainment. Once inside the station we lingered casually beside the barrier between platforms nine and ten until the coast was clear, then each of us leaned against it in turn and fell easily through on to platform nine and three-quarters, where the Hogwarts Express stood belching sooty steam over a platform packed with departing students and their families. I inhaled the familiar smell and felt my spirits soar. Time to cause more chaos at this fuckin' school! 

"I hope the others make it in time." Mrs Weasley said anxiously, staring behind her at the wrought-iron arch spanning the platform, through which new arrivals would come. 

"Nice dog, Daisy!" Lee called. 

"Thanks, Lee." I said, grinning, as Sirius wagged his tail frantically. 

"Oh good," Mrs Weasley said, sounding relieved, "here's Alastor with the luggage, look..." 

A porter's cap pulled low over his mismatched eyes, Moody came limping through the archway pushing a trolley loaded with our trunks. 

"All okay," He muttered to Mrs Weasley and Tonks, "don't think we were followed..." 

Seconds later, Mr Weasley emerged on to the platform with Harry, Ron, and Kingsley. We had almost unloaded Moody's luggage trolley when Hermione and Ginny turned up with Emily and Lupin. 

"No trouble?" Moody growled. 

"Nothing." Lupin said. 

"I'll still be reporting Sturgis to Dumbledore." Moody said. "That's the second time he's not turned up in a week. Getting as unreliable as Mundungus." 

"Well, look after yourselves." Lupin said, shaking hands all round. He reached me last and gave me a clap on the shoulder. "You too, Daisy. Be careful." 

"Yeah, keep your head down and your eyes peeled." Moody said, shaking my hand too. "And don't forget, all of you - careful what you put in writing. If in doubt, don't put it in a letter at all." 

"We'll miss you guys." Emily said, ruffling the dog's head. The dog woofed. 

"It's been great meeting all of you." Tonks said, hugging me, Hermione, and Ginny. "We'll see you soon, I expect." 

A warning whistle sounded; the students still on the platform started hurrying onto the train. 

"Quick, quick." Mrs Weasley said distractedly, hugging us at random and catching me twice. "Write... Be good... If you've forgotten anything we'll send it on... Onto the train, now, hurry..." 

The great black dog reared on to his hind legs and placed his front paws on my shoulders, and I hugged him tight, ruffling his shaggy black fur. 

"Love you, Pads. See you soon." I whispered to him, and the dog wagged his tail. I hurriedly followed Terry and the twins onto the train, and we dashed to the windows. 

"See you!" I called out of the open window as the train began to move, while Harry, Fred, George, Terry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny waved beside me. The figures of Tonks, Lupin, Emily, Moody, and Mr and Mrs Weasley shrank rapidly but the black dog was bounding alongside the window, wagging his tail; blurred people on the platform were laughing to see him chasing the train, then we rounded a bend, and Sirius was gone. 

"He shouldn't have come with us." Hermione said in a worried voice. 

"Oh, lighten up." Ron said. "He hasn't seen daylight for months, poor bloke." 

"Yeah, Hermione, leave my puppy alone." I said. 

Terry was craning his neck over the crowd of people outside the compartment. I joined him, then turned back to him. 

"Whatcha looking for?" 

"Draco..." Terry stood on his tip-toes. "Where is the sexy fucker?" 

"Probably in the prefect carriage." Harry said. "That's where me, Ron, and Hermione have to go." 

"Well, you lot'll look in on us later?" I said to my brother, fist-bumping him. 

"Yeah, definitely." Ron butted in, casting a shifty, anxious look at me and the Insurgents. "It's a pain having to go down there, I'd rather - but we have to - I mean, I'm not enjoying it, I'm not Percy." He finished defiantly. 

"Well." Fred said, clapping his hands together. "Can't stand around chatting all day, we've got business to discuss with Lee. See you later." 

We left Harry, Ron, and Hermione as they went for the prefect's carriage, and Ginny as she went down the left corridor. 

"Lee, my man!" I said loudly as we entered the compartment Lee had saved for us. I stretched my arms out as he stretched his out, grinning, and he rose from his seat. We enveloped each other, slapping each other's backs. 

"It's been too long." Lee grinned. 

"It has indeed, mate." Fred bro-hugged Lee, and George followed suit, Terry high-fiving our friend. 

"Right, so, thought we could talk branding with you. You're the better one with knowing how to appeal to the masses, Lee... I know Softpaw is able to promote the brand as the popular girl at school and in the wider world as a celebrity, but we don't want to basically use her all the time, she is an equal in this business after all." Fred sat down with George and Lee as Terry and I flopped down on the seats opposite. 

"Plus we don't want her implicated if anything goes wrong." George added in a low voice, even though no one else was in the compartment to hear. 

Terry turned to me as the three older boys discussed business. "Wonder who the new DADA teacher is, Softpaw." 

"No clue." I said. "Sounds incredibly fuckin' boring from the book they set, though." 

Terry's chocolate eyes were twinkling. 

"What are you thinking...?" I grinned. 

~~~

"We're supposed to patrol the corridors every so often." Ron was telling us. "And we can give out punishments if people are misbehaving. I can't wait to get the Three Douchebags, Crabbe, and Goyle for something..." 

"You're not supposed to abuse your position, Ron!" Hermione said sharply. "Tell him, Harry!" 

Harry shrugged. 

"Yeah, right, because Floppy won't abuse it at all." Ron said sarcastically. 

"Hang on." I turned to him. "Floppy?" 

Draco, Harry, Ron, and Hermione all glanced at each other. Suzanne bit her lip, exchanging a glance with Shannon. All of them had been made prefects of their houses; more than two prefects per house were allowed this year to accommodate for the sheer number of us. My year at school had always been the biggest and most chaotic. Maybe I'm the common denominator. 

"Yeah, my dickhead cousin's a prefect, for some unknown reason." Draco grumbled, as Terry wrapped his arms around him. Draco wriggled on his boyfriend's lap in disgruntlement. 

"And so's Pratinson." Shannon spoke up. She was leaning against the compartment door, arms folded and foot resting against the glass. A flash of recognition that my friend is... kinda attractive... ran through me, and I shook my head. 

"You're forgetting that one of the Three Douchebags is already a prefect, Ron." Hermione said. 

"Who?" Ron said indignantly. 

"Tim Rudd. I thought you knew." 

"Still. I'm going to make sure I get Floppy's mates before he gets mine." Ron said, his chin up in the air. I leaned over and high-fived him. 

"For heaven's sake, Ron -" 

"I'll make Goyle do lines, it'll kill him, he hates writing." Ron said happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle's low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. "I... must... not... look... like... a... baboon's... backside." 

As the compartment finally relaxed from laughter, Suzanne pointed to the sheet of parchment between me and Terry (and, well, Draco, as he was perched in my best friend's lap). 

"What's that, Daze?" 

I smirked. "Another 101 Ways to Piss Off the New DADA Professor list." 

"Not complete yet; we still need to see who it is for more personal attacks." Terry smirked too. 

"Nice." Fred and George chorused. 

There was a knock on the compartment door, and Shannon moved. Cedric entered, sliding the door shut behind him, and took a seat on the other side of Terry and Draco. 

"How's you, Ced?" I grinned. Cedric grinned back. 

"I've been alright. Got Head Boy." 

"Fucking nerd." I said, grinning, as Hermione, Suzanne, and Draco gasped.

"Well done!" 

"Congrats, Ced!" 

"Great, now we have to hide our pastimes from you, too. Shaking my head." 

"Congratulations, bro." 

"That's so cool! You must be so happy!" 

Cedric smiled, waving his hand in the air. "Yeah, yeah. I didn't come here to brag. I came for gossip. Have you guys seen Kylie Ford at all?" 

We all exchanged excited glances. I'd been so caught up in the fun of plotting chaos and destruction in class with Terry that I'd almost forgotten. Kylie was supposed to join us this year. 

"Apparently she's not on the Hogwarts Express." Cedric continued. "She must be making a dramatic grand entrance at the Feast." 

"I'll bet." Fred said. 

"She's an absolute lege." Terry said, grinning. "I can't wait to see how she announces herself!" 

The rest of the journey consisted of joking around and messing about. Floppy passed the compartment at one point, looking as if he wanted to come in and goad me, but faltered due to the number of prefects and a Head Boy he could see. And probably due to the twins being there also; ever since Fred bashed him after he tried to kidnap me after that Quidditch match, he'd been a bit hesitant to go near me while I'm with him. 

Eventually we arrived. We all hurried to get carriages to ourselves, not wanting to be split up. Draco, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Cedric, Suzanne, and Shannon all had to guide the first years and supervise the exiting of the train, but the Insurgents and Lee were free to choose a carriage for us. 

I stopped dead in front of one. The coaches were no longer horseless. There were creatures standing between the carriage shafts. If I had had to give them a name, I suppose I would have called them horses, though there was something reptilian about them, too. They were completely fleshless, their black coats clinging to their skeletons, of which every bone was visible. Their heads were dragonish, and their pupil-less eyes white and staring. Wings sprouted from each wither - vast, black leathery wings that looked as though they ought to belong to giant bats. Standing still and quiet in the gathering gloom, the creatures looked eerie and sinister. I could not understand why the coaches were being pulled by these creepy horses when they were quite capable of moving along by themselves. 

"What the fuck...?" Fred whispered, staring right at them. 

"Uh... what the hell are these?" Terry's eyes were practically bulging. 

Lee looked between us and the creatures. "Guys - huh? There's nothing there." 

"Don't worry. I can see them too." A blonde girl with a dreamy look on her face swept past. "You're all just as sane as I am." 

"That's not very reassuring." Terry said nervously. "That's Loony Lovegood." 

I snorted. 

~~~ 

The Entrance Hall was ablaze with torches and echoing with footsteps as us students crossed the flagged stone floor for the double doors to the right, leading to the Great Hall and the start-of-term feast. 

The four long house tables in the Great Hall were filling up under the starless black ceiling, which was just like the sky we could glimpse through the high windows. Candles floated in midair all along the tables, illuminating the silvery ghosts who were dotted about the Hall and the faces of the students talking eagerly, exchanging summer news, shouting greetings at friends from other houses, eyeing one another's new haircuts and robes. As always, I noticed people putting their heads together to whisper as I passed; I flipped my hair over my shoulder and gave them all my signature charismatic grin; several of them visibly swooned. 

"It's that Umbridge woman!" Harry said suddenly. 

"Who, baby?" Suzanne said. 

"Where?" I whipped my head around. The Umbridge from the hearing was at the teacher's table, in a pink fluffy cardigan. I scoffed. 

"She was at our hearing, she works for Fudge." I said with contempt. "Ugly toad-ass-looking twat." 

"Nice cardigan." Fred said, smirking. 

"She works for Fudge!" Hermione repeated, frowning. "What on earth's she doing here, then?" 

"Dunno..." 

Hermione scanned the staff table, her eyes narrowed. 

"No." She muttered. "No, surely not..." 

I did not understand what she was talking about but did not ask; my attention had been caught by Terry flapping the list at me, grinning madly. 

And as the first years were all being Sorted, we all continued. 

1. Throw the rubber egg across the room 

2. Release toads into the classroom 

3. Say that the toads are her children 

4. Everyone wear a bow to class 

5. Disrupt the class silences 

6. Knock textbooks off the tables 

7. Tip her textbooks out of the window 

8. Have a dance party in her class 

9. Ask stupid questions 

10. Piss off Kylie Ford's bodyguard 

11. Use the Skiving Snackboxes to our advantage 

12. Get married 

13. Help other students when she won't help them 

14. Correct her mistakes 

15. Bring in a Monster Energy drink and spill it all over the floor to make it sticky 

16. Drink alcohol in her class 

17. Debate everything 

18. Call her a cunt 

19. Use the Skiving Snackboxes on her 

20. Do the water drop noise by flicking your cheek 

21. Throw paper at the outcasts 

22. Mock Floppy 

23. Knock on the desk every time Umbitch says 'hem hem' 

24. Turn up high 

25. Steal her quills and use them to write shit on our hands 

26. Refer to her as Queen of the Toads

27. Stupify self to avoid class 

28. Turn up in a bathrobe instead of school robes 

29. Use 'OMGWTF' as a defensive spell

30. Send love notes to her signed by Filch 

31. Create our own educational decrees to counteract hers 

32. Turn her kittens into toads 

33. Talk in stage whispers about banned things 

34. Tell her that you didn't do your homework because 'progress for progress's sake must be prohibited.' 

35. Charm the cats to bark instead of meow

36. Whenever she walks into a room, scream "MY EYES! THEY BURN!" at the top of our lungs 

37. Insist that she doesn't dress up for Halloween, as she is already scary enough

38. Charm her voice to sound like a frog's

39. Take her wand and give her just a stick from the forest

40. Charm all of the Christmas trees to attack her

41. Make her tea taste nasty 

42. Have her classroom closed off by a swamp of stink bombs

43. Put antlers permanently on her head

44. Hang ornaments from her antlers

45. Throw exploding paper planes at her

46. Throw spit balls at her

47. Attack her with fly swatters

48. When she tries to confiscate our stuff lick it and then hand it to her

49. If by any chance she penalizes you by asking you to 'face the wall,' talk with the wall like you're really having a conversation with it

50. Gather your stuff and make preparations to leave 10 minutes before the class actually ends

51. Broadcast to the whole class that you're the author of the textbook we are all using

52. Borrow a quill from her and return it all chewed-up 

53. List down the grand total of how many times she 'hem, hem's on a piece of paper and announce the results at the end of the class

54. Whenever you're late, quote Tolkien and say "A wizard/witch is never late, nor is he/she early, he/she arrives precisely when he/she means to." 

55. Take out your Astronomy notebook and do mathematical problems while you're in her class

56. Complain about how useless the course is and how it doesn't have any real-life applications 

57. Call out at people passing by in the hallway

58. Bring crunchy food and eat it in class 

59. Get into the seventh year/sixth year/fourth year class, and see how long it takes for her to notice you 

60. Immediately after she gives out instructions, say "Huh?"

61. When class ends, pick up your chair and leave 

62. After she explains something very VERY long, ask her "Can you explain that again?"

63. When reading from the textbook, talk really...really...slow 

64. Beg her for extensions on your homework and projects 

65. Cry hysterically whenever she reprimands you 

66. Bring a cardboard print cut-out of you to class and set it up in front of you 

67. Staple your work numerous times 

68. When she asks you a question, say "Thought you'd never ask!" and smirk while doing so

69. Get a laptop and print off your homework and use all sorts of fancy font types, sizes, and colours 

70. Smudge chalk all over her chair so that her ass will be all white when she stands up

71. Clip and file your nails while she is giving a lecture

72. Whenever she is late, put her picture on the table with candles and funeral shit 

73. Whenever she says something, reply with "Is that so?"

74. When she asks you a difficult question, say that you can't answer because of religious reasons

75. Talk to your classmates across the room and if she tells you to keep quiet, silently tiptoe towards your classmates and whisper to them instead 

76. Turn on the flash on your camera and snap a picture of her while she is discussing something serious 

77. Get Dobby to bring you a full-course meal

78. Bring Omniculars and stare at her through it during class

79. Do the Charlie Charlie challenge in class

80. Clear your throat like her every 30 seconds

81. Play games during silent reading time 

82. Call her by her first name 

83. Set loose a lot of cats 

84. Everyone wear pink to class 

85. Everyone dress up as Dumbledore 

86. Ask her if she thinks she owns the place 

87. Bring in a Muggle washing machine and start washing everyone's clothes 

88. Get detention then get everyone to Polyjuice into you and turn up to detention, each one claiming they're the real you 

89. Spread rumours about her 

90. Sneak Fred and George into class as many times as possible 

91. Worship her 

92. Proclaim her the Queen of the Gays for only separating boys and girls, not boys and boys and girls and girls 

93. Tattle tale on her to Fudge

94. Write to Percy pretending to be her

95. Tell her you haven't got your homework because you left it at her place. Say "Remember?" and wink before taking your seat again 

96. Let a bunch of seagulls into the room 

97. Roll your pencil across the desk and when she walks by, let it fall on her foot 

98. Ask her if she wants a cheeky dorite 

99. Play frisbee with her cat plates 

100. Hex her so that her tongue is like a toad's 

101. Everyone Polyjuice into Dumbledore and wander around the school; run away from her 

Admittedly, some of these were helped by Gabriel, my angel brother, whispering thoughts into my head from his manor in the heavens. Apparently he has a general idea of the future at least two years in advance, so he was able to tell me some ones which didn't make much sense now, but apparently would when we got round to doing them. 

I looked down at the finalised list. 

"Nice." We all high-fived. 

Just as the Sorting ended, the double doors burst open. In strolled Kylie Ford, in all her hot glory, followed by a bodyguard. The entire hall burst into excited fervent whispering, students all craning their necks over their neighbours to see. She was in a school uniform like the rest of us, and her shirt was half untucked, her tie untied, simply looped around her neck. Her top buttons were unbuttoned, and her hands were in her trouser pockets as she strolled up to the top of the hall. McGonagall took the stool and Hat back out, placing them down in front of her. 

"Ford, Kylie." McGonagall said, regarding Kylie with an uninterpretable expression. 

Kylie perched on the stool casually, lifting the Hat onto her head. There was a pause, then the Hat screamed, "GRYFFINDOR!" 

The hall erupted in applause and cheering as Kylie hopped off the stool and made a beeline straight for me. Her short, windswept hair flopped slightly over her forehead as she moved, and she brushed it back as she approached. The Gryffindor table was roaring the loudest, with the twins yelling, "WE GOT FORD, WE GOT FORD!" 

Terry grinned, cupping his hands to whoop. I grinned too as I glanced at him; that boy might as well be a Gryffindor too - look where he's sitting. 

Kylie reached us, and bent down. She grabbed my face in her hands, and before I knew it, her lips were on mine. Fred's chanting immediately stopped, but the rest of the hall roared even louder. I heard McGonagall's, "Alright, alright, settle down -!" through the din, but I could hardly register it as Kylie's lips moved with mine, her tongue slipping into my mouth, meeting mine. Eventually she pulled back, making eye contact with me for a long moment, smirking with her lip ring pulled into her mouth by her teeth, then turned and sat beside Harry. 

I sighed dreamily, reaching a hand up to feel my lips as the hall continued rioting with noise around me. I barely noticed Fred's crestfallen expression beside me. 

"Well, if SHE'S going to kiss Softpaw, then why not me too!" Fred said loudly. I blinked; his hands were also suddenly on my face, twisting me towards him; his lips landed on mine, moving passionately with mine - the hall was beside itself - when we broke apart for air, Harry was staring at us furiously. 

Fuck. I should have known Fred would do this. He's not the type of person to sit back and be sad when he gets jealous. He's the type of person to lash out in retaliation. 

"Yeah, if everyone's going to randomly kiss Softpaw for absolutely no reason at all, then I guess I'd better get in on the action." George said hurriedly, glancing at me. I turned to him, and he planted his lips on mine briefly. I blinked harshly as he drew away, surprised. 

"Me too!" Terry said, giving me a quick peck. 

Ginny leaned across the table and pursed her lips; I captured hers in mine, enjoying the sensation for a brief moment, before Harry tapped me on the shoulder. 

"What's going on here, Daisy?" 

"Everyone kissing Softpaw prank." George said. "Of course, you don't have to, Harry." 

Harry eyed us suspiciously, then sat back down, seemingly accepting George's excuse. 

"Fuck sake, why did everyone stop?" Ron grumbled. "I could have -" He cut himself off after Harry shot him a warning glare. 

"Thanks." I muttered to George. He grinned. 

"We didn't think you wanted you guys' relationship exposed just yet." Terry said, quirking an eyebrow at Fred. Fred ripped his stubborn, indignant gaze from Kylie and looked at Terry, his eyes flashing. 

"I would let the whole world know if it was up to me." Fred said stiffly. 

"But it's not." I said finally. "So deal with it." 

Fred stared me down, his jaw set. I stared back defiantly. 

Once the hall had calmed down, the food appeared on the tables, and we all feasted. There was still a bit of frosty tension between me and Fred, so I turned my attention to my other friends, introducing Kylie to everyone. I showed her the list and she roared with laughter, taking out a fancy quill to add on to it. 

Eventually, Dumbledore stood up, and everyone quietened. 

"Well, now that we are all digesting another magnificent feast, I beg a few moments of your attention for the usual start-of-term notices." Dumbledore said. "First-years ought to know that the Forest in the grounds is out-of-bounds to students - and a few of our older students ought to know by now, too." 

The Insurgents exchanged smirks. 

"Mr Filch, the caretaker, has asked me, for what he tells me is the four-hundred-and-sixty-second time, to remind you all that magic is not permitted in corridors between classes, nor are a number of other things, all of which can be checked on the extensive list now fastened to Mr Filch's office door. 

"We have had two changes in staffing this year. We are very pleased to welcome back Professor Grubbly-Plank, who will be taking Care of Magical Creatures lessons while Hagrid is on leave; we are also delighted to introduce Professor Umbridge, our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher." 

There was a round of polite but fairly unenthusiastic applause, during which Harry and I rolled our eyes at each other across the table. 

Dumbledore continued, "Tryouts for the house Quidditch teams will take place on the -" 

He broke off, looking enquiringly at Umbridge. As she was not much taller standing than sitting, there was a moment when nobody understood why Dumbledore had stopped talking, but then Umbridge cleared her throat, "Hem, hem," and it became clear that she had got to her feet and was intending to make a speech. 

"Oh, Godric." I groaned. 

Dumbledore only looked taken aback for a moment, then he sat down smartly and looked alertly at Umbridge as though he desired nothing better than to listen to her talk. Other members of staff were not as adept at hiding their surprise. Professor Sprout's eyebrows had disappeared into her flyaway hair and Professor McGonagall's mouth was as thin as I had ever seen it. No new teacher had ever interrupted Dumbledore before. Many of the students were smirking, including me; this woman obviously did not know how things were done at Hogwarts. 

"Thank you, Headmaster," Umbridge simpered, "for those kind words of welcome." 

Her voice was high-pitched, breathy and little-girlish, and I felt a powerful rush of dislike that I could not explain to myself; all I knew was that I loathed everything about her, from her stupid voice to her fluffy pink cardigan. She gave another little throat-clearing cough ("hem, hem") and continued. 

"Well, it is lovely to be back at Hogwarts, I must say!" She smiled, revealing very pointed teeth. "And to see such happy little faces looking up at me!" 

I glanced around. None of the faces I could see looked happy. On the contrary, they all looked rather taken-aback at being addressed as though they were five years old. 

"I am very much looking forward to getting to know you all and I'm sure we'll be very good friends!" 

Us students exchanged looks at this; some of us were barely concealing grins. 

"I'll be her friend as long as I don't have to borrow that cardigan." Parvati whispered to me and Lavender, and all three of us lapsed into silent giggles. 

Umbridge cleared her throat again ("hem, hem"), but when she continued, some of the breathiness had vanished from her voice. She sounded much more businesslike and now her words had a dull learned-by-heart sound to them. 

I found my attentiveness ebbing, as though my brain was slipping in and out of tune. The quiet that always filled the Hall when Dumbledore was speaking was breaking up as students put their heads together, whispering and giggling. Over on the Hufflepuff table Suzanne was chatting animatedly with her friends. At the Slytherin table Shannon had her phone out, scrolling. Meanwhile, a few seats down, Draco was one of the few still staring at Umbridge, but he was glassy-eyed and I was sure he was only pretending to listen in an attempt to live up to the new prefect's badge gleaming on his chest. I turned to Terry and started gossiping with him about Parvati and Dudley. 

Umbridge did not seem to notice the restlessness of her audience. I had the impression that a full-scale riot could have broken out under her nose and she would have ploughed on with her speech. The teachers, however, were still listening very attentively, and Hermione seemed to be drinking in every word Umbridge spoke, though, judging by her expression, they were not at all to her taste. 

"...Because some changes will be for the better, while others will come, in the fullness of time, to be recognised as errors of judgement.

 Meanwhile, some old habits will be retained, and rightly so, whereas others, outmoded and outworn, must be abandoned. Let us move forward, then, into a new era of openness, effectiveness and accountability, intent on preserving what ought to be preserved, perfecting what needs to be perfected, and pruning wherever we find practices that ought to be prohibited." 

She sat down. 

Dumbledore clapped. The staff followed his lead, though I noticed that several of them brought their hands together only once or twice before stopping. A few students joined in, not including me, but most had been taken unaware by the end of the speech, not having listened to more than a few words of it, and before they could start applauding properly, Dumbledore had stood up again. 

"Thank you very much, Professor Umbridge, that was most illuminating." He said, bowing to her. "Now, as I was saying, Quidditch tryouts will be held..." 

"Yes, it certainly was illuminating." Hermione said in a low voice. 

"You're not telling me you enjoyed that drivel?" I said.

"That was about the dullest speech I've ever heard, and I grew up with Percy." Ron said quietly, turning a glazed face towards Hermione.

"I said illuminating, not enjoyable." Hermione said. "It explained a lot." 

"Did it?" Harry said in surprise. "Sounded like a load of waffle to me." 

I high-fived him. 

"There was some important stuff hidden in the waffle." Hermione said grimly. 

"Yeah, the blue waffle." Terry said lowly to me and the twins, and we cracked up silently. 

"Was there?" Ron said blankly. 

"How about: 'progress for progress's sake must be discouraged'? How about: 'pruning wherever we find practices that ought to be prohibited'?" Hermione said. 

"Well, what does that mean?" Ron said impatiently. 

"It means she's a boring old hag." Fred drawled. 

"I'll tell you what it means." Hermione said through gritted teeth. "It means the Ministry's interfering at Hogwarts."

There was a great clattering and banging all around us; Dumbledore had obviously just dismissed the school, because everyone was standing up ready to leave the Hall. Hermione jumped up, looking flustered. 

"Harry, Ron, we're supposed to show the first-years where to go!" 

"Yeah, Drake, show them firsties!" Terry called across the hall lazily at Draco, who pulled the finger at him. 

"Oh, yeah." Ron said, who had obviously forgotten. "Hey - hey, you lot! Midgets!" 

"Ron!" 

"Well, they are, they're titchy..." 

"I know, but you can't call them midgets! - First-years!" Hermione called commandingly along the table. "This way, please!" 

A group of new students walked shyly up the gap between the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw tables, all of them trying hard not to lead the group. They did indeed seem very small; I was sure I had not appeared that young when I had arrived here. I grinned at them.

"Right, c'mon, we need to go pin these on the noticeboard in the common room!" George tugged on our robes, waving our advertisements at us. I quickly followed him, giggling, Terry and Fred hot on my heels.