Chapter 7: Density Dispelled
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We met back up in the main chamber after Onyx washed up. She had changed into something that oddly resembled my own vestments and we sat in the pit again. I held on to one of the pillows as I waited for her to start.

Onyx opened her mouth and then closed it. Narrowed her eyes and muttered to herself, then shook her head. She gave me an apologetic look. “No matter how many times I have this conversation, it never seems to get simpler. So, I told you a bit about what it was like for Luna, right?” 

 

I nodded.

“Well for women like Luna and myself, we are trans women. Transgender women. That means that our genders don’t match what others assigned to us. There are also trans men and also plenty of trans folks who are neither man nor woman or are both or shift between different states. Sexuality and gender identity are like water and all of our containers—our terms—are cracked and invariably fail to hold things entirely. Are you following so far?”

I frowned. It sort of made sense but how would someone even know if they were trans? I didn’t realize I had said that thought out loud until Onyx spoke again.

“Well, it can be different for everyone. Some people realize at a young age. Others figure it out when they are much older. Some people feel a disconnect with their body or parts of their body cause them discomfort. Sometimes the discomfort comes from being treated as a gender that isn’t theirs—like if someone tried to treat me like a man, I would find it very unpleasant. Some people don’t feel the discomfort at all but they feel joy when they are treated in ways that match their identity or when they can change their bodies to be more comfortable. Sorry, this all probably sounds a bit technical if you aren’t familiar with it.” I nodded along. Some of this was making sense, and yet other parts were confusing.

“What I’ve found to be helpful is sharing my own personal experiences. Everyone is different, but there are shared experiences among us. For example, if someone found they related to what I’ve gone through and how I feel, then I think that would be a good reason for them to explore their gender a little.”


That made sense to me, though I wasn’t entirely sure what she meant by exploring gender. How could you do that? I waited for her to continue.

“I was raised as a boy growing up. My childhood was fairly uneventful. Most children are treated the same whether they are boys or girls and the differences were small enough that I didn’t pick up on the fact I didn’t fit in with the boys around me. As I got older and went through puberty, the differences were more pronounced and the people around me could tell something was different, but they couldn’t tell what. Neither could I. I didn’t have the words or experiences to help me navigate my feelings. I withdrew into myself, going through the motions every day. I existed, but I didn’t live. Everything was dull and muted. I assumed this was just how everyone felt. Most people were kind to me, I only had a few people who were cruel because I was different. In that respect, I was fortunate. But still I languished. Friendship, romance, family even, all the connections that most people take for granted eluded me. I couldn’t connect because I was just a tiny core hidden behind masks. I learned how to fake happiness, how to behave enough like the other boys that people decided it was just a phase. But the unease grew.”

She winced a little as she recounted. “As I grew older, I tried to figure out what it was that was different about me. I got along better with the women around me than the men, but even that was strained as I perfected my masks. I thought maybe it was just because I lived in a boring city and just needed to get out there and see the world. So, I honed my magic and got my certification as an independent adventurer. I did alright in the early days, but my health was poor due to neglecting my body and I survived purely on my magic alone. Eventually I decided that I needed a partner to cover my shortcomings. And that was when I met her. Maple.” Her face lit up and her speech grew more energetic.

“Maple was everything that I was not. She was strong and capable and confident. I was attracted to her from the moment I laid eyes on her. I couldn’t tell if I wanted only to date her or be her. She was already a somewhat renowned adventurer when we met and was way out of my league. But she had seen me struggling with my contracts and I guess she wanted to help. With my pyromancy and her strength and nature magic, we completed contract after contract. We travelled far and wide, exploring and travelling to wondrous places. For a time, my unease dimmed. I felt safe around her and every bit of praise and encouragement she gave me pulled me a bit more out of my shell. Things went on like this for a few years and finally I felt confident to ask her out.”

Onyx let out a pained laugh. “That was a mistake. I somehow hadn’t picked up on the fact she was gay despite all our travels and all the ladies she flirted with along the way. And I think because she had always treated me as her companion, I forgot that she saw me as a man. And I thought I was too. So she rejected me, although she was gentle about it. I was heartbroken. We tried to continue adventuring together for a few months after that but I sunk further and further into depression and Maple could tell there was more to it than just the rejection. She guided me to a monastery that was known for healing physical and mental afflictions. Maple had spent time there as a child, recovering from a wasting illness that the monks were able to treat.”

I interrupted briefly. “Is that why she took up healing when she moved to Rivermist? I always wondered why an adventurer would retire to be a small town healer.”

Onyx nodded. “Yeah, she was always trying to help out others as a way of repaying the monks’ kindness. They refused payment you see, for their services. The gods encouraged people to donate and keep the monastery going but no one was ever charged for healing. So that is where she left me, in the care of the monks. The monastery was dedicated to all the gods, including Teara, and the divine support ensured that the monks could focus their all on learning how to help people. It was truthfully the best place she could have taken me. It was one of the few monasteries with a Tearan priestess. Tearan priests are rare, but out of all the gods, Teara is the one who cares most for queer folks.”

“Queer folks?” I had heard the term mentioned before but always in passing and without sufficient context to understand.

“Yeah, that is what we call someone whose sexuality or gender fall outside the typical understanding. That doesn’t make non-queer folks more normal or natural or whatever. Just a handy way to describe something that is hard to describe otherwise. Trans folks like myself are included in that. I spent long hours talking with the priestess, Agatha, and she slowly pieced together the heart of what was bothering me. She sought guidance from Teara, because there are many ways to address the struggles I was facing. Teara herself spoke to me in her temple and asked if I would like to receive her gift. She warned me that the gift would be life changing and if I was unhappy with it, she could remove it but it would take time. I figured I had nothing to lose and so I agreed.”

I gasped softly. “Is that how you became a dragon?” I was clutching a pillow tightly, fixated intensely on her story.

She nodded. “There are three ways that dragons enter the world. The first is to be born of dragons, for the gift can be passed to children. The second is to be given the gift by another dragon. And finally, to have Teara herself bless you. The first and second methods are limited. Once a dragon has a child or gifts another, they cannot do so again for a decade. This was a condition from Felgran, lest Teara’s favored overwhelm the world and plunge all into chaos. Teara herself is not limited, but she chooses people for reasons known only to her. In all my years of serving her, I’ve yet to figure out why she chose me.”

“What was it like?” I asked in a quiet whisper.

Onyx looked at me with an expression of pure bliss. “Before the gift, I was a shell pretending to be a person. The gift changed me, empowered me, but most importantly it gave me a body that finally felt right. For the first time in my life I felt connected to my body and the world. Colors were brighter, I felt like a haze lifted from my mind. Truthfully, until Teara blessed me, I hadn’t put it together that I was a woman. Suddenly I understood why Maple’s rejection had hurt me so much. And why I had struggled with so many things. The draconic elements of the gift took more time to acclimate to, but my human form felt right instantly. I nearly broke poor old Agatha’s spine trying to hug her and thank her for beseeching Teara for me. The goddess and Agatha were almost as happy as I was. I spent some more time in the monastery, getting used to my new self and learning more about Teara. I dedicated myself to her worship, figuring that was at least a small way I could try to repay Teara’s gift. But Teara herself said that she only wished for me to live my life fully and asked only that I try to help others like me when I had the chance.”

She gave me a wistful look and waited. We sat there in silence for a time, though I know not how long. I tried to process everything she had told me. I wondered what it would be like to feel whole like that. To have so many doubts and struggles answered fully and completely. My chest felt tight and pained as I realized I was envious of Onyx yet again. Long forgotten memories pounded at the gates of my mind, demanding to be released from whatever dark corner I had locked them away. Memories of staring on in envy as the girls around me went about their lives, feeling crushed that I had to go train with the boys. Older memories of spending time with those same girls and enjoying their friendship, before the boys harassed me for being where I didn’t belong.

My mouth felt dry and my tongue felt heavy. I tried to speak and the words refused to come. I clutched the pillow tighter, trying to focus on it so I could speak. I didn’t even know what I wanted to say. I had thought I was content. I had an important profession. I helped people. I had people I was close to, well I had Maple. So many pieces of Onyx’s story resonated with me. But was I just pretending? Pretending what? My thoughts swirled around some kind of realization that refused to budge.

A soft voice spoke in a strangled tone. “Why do I want that? Why do I want to be a girl? I can’t. It...it isn’t allowed.” It took me a moment to realize the voice was mine. Hot tears rolled down my face. Until that moment, my desire had lain buried deep and now it was out in the open.

I felt Onyx wrap me in a warm embrace. She brushed my hair softly as I wept. “Shhhh, it’s ok. It is going to be ok. You are safe here and it is allowed. I won’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

“But...what if I’m not like you? What if I’m just trying to hide from my struggles...what if I’m just faking it or-” My tears fell faster as I felt fear and doubt take hold of me. Onyx pulled back and placed her hands on my shoulders. She gave me a gentle smile.

“Nobody else can decide who you are. I can’t tell you and neither can anyone else. But I can guide you and I am here to support you no matter what. And you want to know who spends time wanting to be a girl, dreaming of it?”

I shook my head, I hadn’t mentioned the dreams but they had come surging to the surface. “Who?” My voice was so quiet now.

Onyx leaned in close, speaking softly into my ear. “Girls like me...and you.”

I felt a shudder go through me, my entire body electrified at those words. I felt a moment of brief joy so intense that it was almost painful. I had pretended for so so long that my dream was impossible and so I never shared it with anyone. But she understood.

Onyx noticed my shudder and gave me a knowing smile. “How does it feel to have someone call you a good girl?” I felt another jolt and warmth spread along my face.

“Feels pretty good.” I mumbled quietly. “But...it can’t be that easy, can it? Wouldn’t every guy be a girl if it was this easy?”

She collapsed into a fit of laughter, tears streaming down her face. “Hahaha, I’m sorry, it just somehow gets me every time how we are all so similar in the oddest of ways. No, guys really don’t dream of being girls. Oh, you might find a lad or two who would like to try being a woman for a day maybe, as an idle fancy. But if you pushed them on it and asked if they would be that way forever, they would refuse.” She composed herself and looked at me. “If you are unsure, there are a few things we can try if you are comfortable with them. It's not a matter of proving if you are trans enough or something like that, just seeing what feels good to you. Would you like that?”

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. I still felt tears rolling slowly down my face but I felt like a great weight had been lifted.

We talked for a while longer as night fell. Onyx explained to me the various ways that dysphoria and euphoria could manifest and told me that one of the simplest things to try was to just vary up my presentation. My hair was already fairly long and a bit of creative cutting and styling would make it look feminine. I had a short beard that I kept just neat enough to be presentable, but I hated shaving with a passion. Onyx had chuckled over this bit and told me that a ‘denial beard’ was common enough. She showed me how to use magic to get rid of it in a flash and I felt much better. We spent the next couple of days trying out various things. Onyx had pointed out that my vestments were actually Tearan priestess garments and that priests tended to wear a completely different outfit. I blushed at that and wondered why I had been given priestess robes in the first place. She got a good chuckle and only said that Teara sometimes works in mysterious ways.

At one point, Onyx jumped up as a thought popped into her head and rushed off to her quarters. I was confused at first but she returned with a bag full of cosmetics.

 

“So, before I talk about anything specific among these, I want to stress that you need none of this to be yourself. Cosmetics, clothing, hairstyles, these are all things you should engage with in the ways you are comfortable and that provide you with joy. Some women enjoy elaborate makeup and outfits, coordinating with precision a myriad of elements to be a walking canvas of art. Other women abstain entirely, preferring to go forth in clothing chosen for utility rather than beauty. And these things are not just for women either, men and those who are neither can and should engage with them as they see fit. Presentation is what you want the world to see and what delights you.” She rattled this off in a practiced tone, clearly it was a lesson she had given before.

“Now, with all that out of the way, let's have some fun!” She dumped the bag on the table and helped me sort through things to see what drew my curiosity. There was a small glass vial that sparkled and shimmered and caught my eye. Onyx chuckled when she noticed what I had fixated on and waved for me to hold up my hands. “This is nail polish, infused with some mana that makes it shift through various colors randomly, though you can set a specific shade for a time with a little practice. Hold out your hands and I’ll show you how to apply it.” In a short time, she had adorned my nails with the polish; they gleamed in the light, a rainbow of coruscating hues. I stared and stared, turning my hands and fingers this way and that. I was so caught up I didn’t even realize that Onyx was trying to get my attention to see if I wanted my toes painted too. I nodded and slipped off my shoes so she could do so. While she worked, I continued to study my hands, and I marveled at how such a simple change could shift my whole perspective. My hands looked to me now like a woman’s hands, slim and refined in ways that suited me.

I knew on some level that my hands had not changed shape, but it was like the polish pulled back a curtain and let me glimpse a hidden truth that had been there all along. I suppose a lifetime of temple work had spared me from calluses, and my skill with healing meant that the breaks and scrapes I had accrued over the years had left no permanent mark. I wondered for a moment if I had perhaps, without realizing it, developed habits to keep my hands as close to the vision of myself that lurked deep in my subconscious. The idea was thrilling and helped me feel less like I was putting on a costume and more like I was unearthing myself like a treasure hidden in the earth. I was pulled from my reverie by Onyx patting my head and motioning to show me my feet were finished. I felt laughter bubbling up within me and I let it out as I danced and twirled, admiring the sparkles and shine as I moved, too full of life to stand still.

The more things I tried, the better and better I felt. I contemplated this as I laid down to rest for the night, alone with my thoughts. So many little things started to add up now that I just had the context to understand them. Why I bathed in the dark whenever possible. Why I felt more comfortable around Maple and the ladies around town than I did with the hunters. As the days passed and I got used to Onyx treating me like a woman and helping me explore, I grew more and more nervous about what would happen when the hunters returned. Surely I would have to go back to pretending to be a man when they showed up, right? I felt like a flower, basking in sunlight but faced with being torn and thrown into a gloomy storehouse, the light and time I needed denied to me when I needed it most. I was filled with dread and hoped that Onyx would have ideas on what I could do.

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