Manners. Define. Relationships.

First impressions, body language, chosen words. All the little deliberate and subliminal actions a human takes will form a unique picture. One that drives people to become friends. One that makes people jealous, annoyed, and hateful. Or even one that pushes two people over the edge, making them fall in love with each other.

So how would someone interested achieve the desired outcome?

There is a myriad of advice listed by educators, textbooks, and even youtubers as either ‘desirable’ or ‘not to do’, covering dating, salary negotiations, and everything in between. They will talk about obvious indicators like one’s bearing or facial expressions, the correct choice of words, or basic manners including punctuality, honesty, and openness.

Most of their suggestions so basic, they can even be found in books as old as the bible: ‘Thou shalt not lie’.

Though depending on the topic, honesty might become the first thing left behind.

The hollow ‘Good morning’ to a bothersome director might be an innocent and well-meant phrase, but things get more serious when the lecture reaches ‘job interviews’ or ‘first dates’. Make yourself look better no matter the cost. Embellish your experience, beautify your exterior by any means, forget to mention all the dead weight that will creep up after three weeks. Just paint the best picture of yourself.

‘Lie to seize that valuable relationship’. One that, according to others, can only thrive through honesty and mutual respect. Build a groundwork of lies for a house of honesty. A rather delicate dance on a razor’s blade that might become destructive, when more and more ‘small things’ get swept under the carpet or downplayed to reassure the status quo.

A game of cat and mouse between lovers where any word could be a hidden lie, and every lie could be a hidden show of affection and care.

But there is also one behavior so vulgar books as far back as the 16th Century condemned it. Worse than lies, more insulting than any affront, and even obvious hypocrisy would never be as off-putting. One despised by both modern lifestyle gurus and relationship counseling for its display of utter meaninglessness. A topic that displays the speaker’s hollow mind and deters any proper woman from taking further steps.

 

“Nice weather, isn’t it?”

A smile forced itself onto my lips the moment those familiar words reached my ears. No words of thanks, no affection, not even a simple throwaway greeting. The morning we met, the day of our first date, the evening she became mine. The same words for twelve years, no matter the actual weather. She would probably utter the same words with that same mischievous smile while burning alive in hell.

Today’s arrival was no different.

“It’s great.” I answered, my teeth on full display. “Who wouldn’t enjoy a good blizzard?”

“Liar,” she exclaimed after double-checking the weather on the other side of the window. Hot and sunny. Another part of this ritual. “You tricked me! It’s clearly still summer!”

I chuckled at her childish tantrum and threw my coat over a nearby rolling table.

“The sun burns down and you still wear that thick stuff.” She used my choice of clothes as an outlet for her frustration, her over-the-top pout barely hiding her smile. “One moment out of my sight and you are already helpless. How will you impress others with your body if you hide it beneath that?”

“But I’ve already captured you, so there’s no need to impress others.” I chuckled at her sighs and planted myself on a nearby plastic chair. Not the best seating, but I was used to it. “I just grabbed whatever when the call came.”

“I still think you should show off more.” A meek response, her pretend fury long gone. “And… uhm… sorry. I didn’t know you would be in such a rush. You didn’t have to… I mean. I don’t want to be a nuisance.”

Liar, I thought to myself. It’s clear you wanted me to come. My phone didn’t ring on its own.

But I kept these words to myself. No need to fuss about these obvious things. Life was always too short, and the clear gap between the words from her mouth and the feelings in her eyes warmed my heart.

“I came because I wanted.” A straightforward answer and a smile. Hopefully a reassuring one. “Today’s coat of paint is already finished, so I can stay as long as you want.”

“Really? So the apartment is ready?”

“Almost. One more room to go.”

I pulled out my smartphone and displayed the pictures I had taken this morning. The living room, my old room, the kitchen, and the bathroom all shone in spotless white. It looked like a newly built apartment, underlined by the lack of furniture. Only her old room still blazed in red and gray.

“Seven years.” Her muttering sounded depressed. “Seven years with you and a coat of paint is enough to erase everything. As if we never lived there.”

For a moment, I found myself entangled by her thoughts. Three buckets of white paint and a handful of cleaning supplies were enough to erase all the traces we had left. The next tenants would never learn about all the memories we had made in these rooms. All those important moments that were long gone and still so important to us. The proof of our feelings, our existence, now covered by a cold, white layer.

“Idiot. Money problems won’t change who we are.” I laughed loudly to dispel the depressed mood. Or maybe to convince myself. “And it’s not like we won’t see each other anymore.”

I swiped through the images, replacing the white walls with a soothing light-blue. An already furnished bedroom, filled with bed, nightstand, and wardrobe. A bathroom with puffin pictures and seashells on the sandy walls. And a small kitchen, filled with stove, refrigerator, dining table, and a cozy chair in front of it.

“I wanted to show it to you, so I forced myself and finished it yesterday.” I explained with a smile. “It’s not much and there’s no room for a dishwasher, but I can handle the amount of dishes.”

She examined the new place with great interest, taking her time. Detached from all the hustle and bustle around us, focusing on all the minor details in each picture. Withdrawn into her own little world, she stopped everything and thought by herself. Even I had to wait outside. Hence, I sat in my chair in silence.

She had done the exact same thing during our first date, turning my mind into a whirlpool of chaotic thoughts and my face into a tear-stained mess. Back then I hadn’t understood what I did to bore her so much. All the panic and frustration had devastated my innocent thoughts. Only for her to open her eyes, display confusion about my appearance, and explain her reasons to me.

~ I didn’t know how to confess to you. Nothing makes sense. I tried countless scenarios, but all my thoughts ended in misery and tears. Would she hate me for my feelings? Laugh at me? Ignore my stumbling words? Would she accept me if I were a boy? Or is it futile in the first place? I don’t understand… anymore. ~

There had been boys who confessed to me before that night. With their rehearsed words, they had painted beautiful pictures of the future. A future worth pursuing. But my most important declaration of love was an angry rant, an incoherent flood of words. So lost in her desperation that only our first kiss could stop her long enough for my brief answer.

Ever since then, I would use these moments of silence to watch her.

Her lustrous black hair framed her pale face. It had reached her hips during our first date, but she had switched to a short haircut not too long ago. One of her brown eyes was half-hidden behind the black curtain, but curiosity glittered in the other one. A short nose with its slight curve over her chapped lips. Did she forget her lip balm again?

I smiled.

All those naggy thoughts, but I had no urge to utter them out loud. I just enjoyed the silence a little longer. Each stone in our way had left a wrinkle on her face, and I sometimes questioned whether it might have looked better without me. But when she sat like this, with no grimaces, no sudden movements, and no protective hands in the way, it was akin to watching her beautiful sleeping face.

I found peace in these rare moments.

“So that’s your new place.” She broke the silence after a few more minutes. “It looks homey.”

“Not my. Our.” I sighed. “Our new apartment.”

“Ah, sorry.” A flustered laugh. “It still feels weird to me. A bit too unreal.”

“Don’t worry. That’ll change when you walk through the door.”

“It has the same atmosphere...” She smiled before turning her attention to a more pressing detail. “But the bed is too small. There isn’t enough room for a second person.”

“Oh, but there is. We just have to snuggle.” I laughed. “Or are you against it?”

“That’s not what I… Alright. Your win.” She sighed. “I’ll gladly relinquish my bed for a night in yours.”

“You have my eternal thanks, oh mighty heroine.” I rolled my eyes at her antics. “Anyway, you’ll just fall asleep on the sofa watching TV. The looks of a beautiful wife but the manners of a drunken husband.”

“Hey!”

“Yes?” I nodded towards her muted TV, still displaying some old sitcom. “You wanted to say?”

“That isn’t…” She scrambled to turn it off. “Right. It’s your fault for dropping by unannounced.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I smiled at her awkward behavior. Not much left from the classy girl with her thick books. All exchanged for someone binge watching sitcoms from the safety of a comfy bed. I sometimes wondered whether our old friends would blame me if they saw her now.

“Anything good?” I asked to dispel her shame.

“Oh yeah!” She latched onto the safety rope I had thrown towards her. “Dogs or cats? Pick one!”

“Dogs.”

“Great!” She beamed at me. “You see, there was this documentary about an Argentine dog who sat besides his owner’s grave, waiting there for him. It was so sad. Like, he sat there for years and the cemetery caretaker would feed him. It was really beautiful. So I was thinking...”

“Hmm?”

“Wouldn’t it be great if I was a dog?” Visible excitement in her eyes. “You know, I want to stay by your side forever. So from now on I’ll be your loyal companion and look after you until you die. You aren’t allowed to say no!”

Liar. That same word flashed through my mind once more. If anything, you would be a prideful cat. Going wherever you want, leaving your owner behind when she calls for you, but begging for affection the moment she ignores you. No way you could mimic a dog for more than ten minutes.

But I kept these words to myself. Instead, I mentioned a rather obvious problem with her plan. “But you aren’t a dog.”

“Oh, that’s true.” She accepted my objection without resistance, stopping her weird dog-imitation, but regrettably switching to the next character. “What a shame. This shall become my greatest failure, the one regret that I’ll take into my grave.”

She coughed, trying to imitate a deep but suave voice.

“She was a vibrant soul, one who literally lit up the room whenever she entered. And right up until she was taken out of our middle, she was full of joy and always eager to help out, no matter what the problem was.” She straightened her back and continued the speech with more force. “But her biggest regret had always been how she was born with two arms instead of legs, missing that fateful tail on her plump butt. Oh god, please let her reincarnate as a dog.”

“That’s enough.” I put an end to her play. “No more jokes about funerals. What would the others say?”

“I don’t care.” A mischievous laugh. “Other people play funny music or make jokes. So my funeral can be whatever I want.”

Nevertheless, she still accepted my words and changed the topic, telling me stories from the new sitcom she was watching.

Renovating our old rooms, furnishing my new apartment - I had no time for stupid sitcoms. So I used her stories to escape the chaotic world around us. The mix of her soothing voice and the cheerful stories lifted my mental pressure for a few moments. And I just closed my eyes and listened, wishing it would last forever.

Hours rushed by like minutes before a severe cough cut through the peace.

“Ah, sorry.” I took a small water bottle from the nightstand and opened it for her. “I shouldn’t have let you do all the talking. Just… I wanted to listen to you… and…”

“It’s okay.” She forced a smile after a few sips. “I understand how hard you work for the two of us. A bit of hoarseness is nothing, especially when you have to…”

“Oh, look at the time.” I interrupted her. We’ve been through these topics so many times I couldn’t listen to them anymore. “Should I get something to eat for you?”

“No need.” She smiled, pointing towards a half-eaten piece of cake. “This morning’s extravagance. I’ll just eat the leftovers later.”

“Okay.” I smiled at her, lost for further words.

Silence was a weird thing. At times we didn’t mind it. Sometimes just sitting beside each other became an enjoyment in itself. But this silence, created by my little fit, was uncomfortable. Suffocating.

“Ah! I listened to the band from last time.” She obviously felt the same way. “And they are great. I can’t wait to see them together with you. You know, it’ll be so much fun.”

“Liar!”

“Wha… what?” She stammered, lost for words. Her unnatural smile disappeared as well, replaced by a grieving expression.

Wait? Did I just say that? My mind needed a few seconds to make sense of everything. My chest cramped when I discovered the feelings hidden in her gaze. I wanted to punch myself. Wasn’t this the one thing I swore I wouldn’t do today? Yet I still fucked it up?

“I’m sorry.” I pressed those hollow words through my teeth. “But I don’t want all those lies between us today. You know, every moment is fun with you, but let’s be honest with each other. Just for today.”

“That easy to see through?” Her hands clasped her cheeks for a moment before pulling her mouth into a wide smile. A bright laughter followed and drove all those negative clouds away. “You are right. I don’t like them. They are only so-so and not worth the money for a live show. I just thought it would be exciting to go out together.”

There she was, trashing my new favorite band, and it only reminded me of the reason I had fallen head over heels for her. That little bundle of life, walking at her own pace, never afraid to stand on someone’s feet.

One gesture, one little action, and she had taken over once more, dominating another hour with her liveliness.

“But as we are honest with each other…” Her voice became meek. “Would you go and talk with my parents?”

“So you didn’t tell them?”

“I tried.” She gestured towards a bundle of half-written letters on her nightstand. “But ever since I introduced you to them, we had problems talking with each other. They never understood how I could exchange a marriage with a nice man and kids for a future with you. So it’s like… only going through the motions. So many years without a meaningful word. And… I don’t understand them. They should be my family… but you are so much closer to me. And I’m… afraid of their answer.”

“Don’t worry.” I grabbed her left hand to reassure her. “I’ll talk to them.”

“Thanks. And… sorry…” She sighed, closing her now unsteady eyes. It looked a bit like an athlete, hyped up for her event, deflating the moment her duty was over. Was this what she had wanted to say all the time?

“Don’t worry. I’ll tell them everything. Don’t worry.”

“Thanks… and sorry. But I’m a bit tired. Let me rest for a moment.” She nestled against her pillows, trying to find a more comfortable position.

My thumb caressed the back of her hand, following each of the small wrinkles. Time hadn’t been easy on her.

“Hey.” She called out to me, her eyes closed. “Will you stay with me for a bit?”

“I’m here.” I brought her hand to my mouth and gave it a kiss. “And I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Thanks.”

I watched her face. Peaceful and beautiful, just like her sleeping face.

“Hey. Did you regre-” A weak voice disturbed the silence but stopped. “The weather… aren’t the stars beautiful tonight.”

“They are.” I kissed her hand once more. “They really are beautiful. They are all I ever needed.”

“I see…”

A small smile on her lips.

Peaceful breathing.

Silence.

One star above her bed began to blink.

Another one followed.

A third. And a fourth.

“Please wait outside!” A hand grabbed my shoulder, pushing me outside.

White silhouettes, hectic and blurry, pressed on the blinking buttons above her bed, shouting at each other.

But there was still silence outside her room. Everything drowned out by the hissing noises in my ears.

I knew they would fight. But I also understood they would lose.

Otherwise they wouldn’t have called.

So I could only stand there and watch the blinking stars.

~ You know, I want to stay by your side forever. So from now on I’ll be your loyal companion and look after you until you die. ~

“Liar.”