'Where can I let out all this rage?' The burning feeling in his chest was almost unbearable. 

Filled with fear and anger, Sung Ho needed an outlet. With the rate things went, the more he knew, the more afraid he was of losing Ji Hyun. If he reached out, would Ji Hyun scatter and be blown away like petals in the wind?

Sung Ho drove recklessly, he went to his office and pulled up Dong Ho's personal information. As if he was in a trance, his body moved by itself, he only saw red, before he knew it, he was on top of Dong Ho, fists raining down. Even when Dong Ho begged for him to stop, it seemed like he could only hear high-pitched static. 

He had found Dong Ho drunk nearby his apartment, and dragged him into a secluded alleyway. 

A few teeth littered the floor, blood came out from Dong Ho's nose, mouth, and ears. The limbs that attempted to protect his face were ruthlessly battered and bruised. 

When Sung Ho stopped, he could hear the man below him weakly sobbing and wheezing. His face was beaten to a bloody pulp, like an orange that had been thrown onto the floor and trampled. 

Sung Ho had a straight face the whole time, but when he came to his senses, he smiled, scaring the man even more. "Hello Dong Ho-ssi, I forgot to greet you when I came... Hyung" he chuckled. 

"You see... I'm crazy" he squatted down and grasped Dong Ho's face with his entire hand, a smile warping even more. "Thankfully I'm a powerful crazy person. You have no evidence, but I'd like to avoid the hassle of your pointless struggle... If you dare report this... you better be prepared to put everything on the line... It won't be just your face the next time" his tone darkened and his grip on the bloody face tightened, lifting Dong Ho up by the face to meet him at eye level. 

"I can make sure no one will ever hire you in this industry... not that they will want to hire a cripple.. Ha ha ha.." Sung Ho chuckled again, Dong Ho peed his pants and felt like he was going to blackout, but mustered the strength to shake his head violently, to convey to Sung Ho he will not do anything stupid. Sung Ho flung him back to the ground like a rag doll, "Don't bother coming to work anymore" he said and left. 

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"Are we returning to the days I patch up wounds for you after you go out fighting?" Yuri sighed as she cleaned and inspected Sung Ho's knuckles. Though they were reddened, there was no broken skin, they were long seasoned by his past fights and training. Yuri could only imagine the state of the person who received Sung Ho's fury judging by how much blood he had on his fists and clothes. 

Sung Ho was silent and looked tired, he gave her money for her efforts and gave her a slight bow when sending her off. Before she left, she reminded Sung Ho to make sure Ji Hyun took his medications on time, to watch out for further vomiting, and to closely observe for changes in his mental state. 

Sung Ho showered to get the stench of dried blood off, then climbed into bed with Ji Hyun. His arms slowly wrapped around a slender waist and pulled him close. 

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Ji Hyun woke up in the middle of the night, eyes wide open, it adjusted to the darkness slowly. He was trapped in Sung Ho's embrace but managed to wriggle out without rousing him. 

He sat leaning against the balcony's glass door bathing in the moonlight, deep in thought, gazing at the moon as if it would talk back to him. He had never opened up his heart or even considered exposing his entirety to anyone before. 

"I'm.. his.." he whispered to the moon.

It was simple.. he had to tell Sung Ho, about the things he had experienced, things that made him warp into the person he was today. Ji Hyun felt selfish, he hid his true self, a pitiful attempt to keep things status quo. His mask was already crumbling... If Sung Ho already knew, why didn't he abandon him, he was no longer the man Sung Ho loved in the past, so why? Why did he still feel.. so loved? 

Being honest was scary, being rejected even more. But.. It was the least he could do for Sung Ho. "I'll tell him tomorrow.. whatever happens.. I'll accept it" it was a barely audible promise that he made to himself.

He crawled into the sheets, back into Sung Ho's embrace, the strong and regular sensation of thumps of a beating heart on his back lulled him into a night of deep sleep. 

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Sung Ho woke up to two bright almond eyes staring at him, the man in front of him was being so adorable so early in the morning.. he could not help but to break into a smile, caressing Ji Hyun's rosy cheeks. "You're up early" he hoarsely said.

"Mhm.." Ji Hyun closed his eyes, held the hand on his face, gently rubbing his cheek against it. "I wanted to ask... Could we.. go out today?" He coyly asked, his puppy eyes looked to be glittering... How could Sung Ho say no? Ji Hyun had not suggested going out even once, so his request was unexpected. "Where do you want to go?"

"I... I want to go to the library.. the one.. we used to go to.. and then go to Auntie Sun's eatery for dinner.." Ji Hyun shyly said as Sung Ho's eyes widened, the two places he had suggested.. they had frequently gone when they were schooling, even before they dated. Sung Ho agreed and they decided to go out after lunch. As Sung Ho got up and went out, Ji Hyun noticed Sung Ho's reddened and slightly bruised knuckles.

It was already late morning, they had both slept in. After finishing up lunch, Ji Hyun took an ice pack and iced Sung Ho's knuckles. "How did your hand get like this?" Ji Hyun's tone was full of concern. "..." Sung Ho did not have a good excuse... Ji Hyun sensed his apprehension and decided not to probe further, sighing, he continued carefully icing his knuckles. 

Sung Ho knew that his actions yesterday were rash, but he did not regret it. He knew no normal person would agree with what he had done, but to him, Dong Ho deserved it.. and he wanted to get the poisonous feeling of rage out of his system.

No doubt... Ji Hyun was the trigger of the manifestation of uncontrollable rage in him. After the breakup and his failure to secure funding for his start-up.. he got caught up in pointless fighting, the thrill and adrenaline from it addictive. He even got scouted to join a gang.. he fought and fought.. till he lost someone and was left in a coma. 

Perhaps the seed of rage stemmed from even deeper, to when he was a child. His alcoholic father would always hit him and his mother, he was meek and weak then. The psychological fear and trauma built up as years went by. Only after meeting Ji Hyun did his shackles come off and his inhibition snapped. 

Just as Ji Hyun's apprehensiveness to share what happened after their breakup was there.. he additionally did not feel the need to do so. Sung Ho knew this burning rage could consume him, even hurting the people beside him.. so he had to make sure the flames were in check. He was not ready to tell Ji Hyun.. about the gang, about Ki Tae, about his coma, and about his intense hatred for him that gave him the drive to become so successful. He didn't want to admit to it but he knew he did not want to hurt Ji Hyun anymore.

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After having lunch, they dressed warmly and Sung Ho wrapped Ji Hyun tightly till he looked like a dumpling. "Yo-you don't need to put so many layers on me.." he softly uttered. "You'll catch a cold" Sung Ho firmly replied whilst putting on his own watch. Ji Hyun silently nodded and looked down, the luxury of feeling warm during winter.. he thought about the weeks he spent with that busted warmer, the chill that never dissipated from his peripherals. He was thankful for it, without Sung Ho god knows where he'd be now, maybe under a bridge fighting cold and hunger with cardboard boxes and scraps.. thinking about it sent goosebumps down his spine. 

The sandalwood and citrus fragrance in the car was comforting, Ji Hyun buckled his seat belt and his unfocused eyes stared outside the window. Little flakes of white fluttered past, some landing on the window, thawing a little. "It's snowing.." he mumbled, Sung Ho noticed Ji Hyun was a little out of it, even more than usual, but decided to give Ji Hyun some space. He put on the radio as white noise to wash out the silence permeating the car. 

"..and for our next question, Mr. Kim Min Gi!, as the lead of the show 'Love in Winter', our fans are very excited to know your ideal type of partner!"

"Hmmm... My ideal type is someone who is tall, assertive, with an air of mystery and coldness.. but is actually hiding a warm character inside! but of course, the number one in my heart now is my dear fans~" 

"Sounds like you.." Ji Hyun mumbled. With a straight face, Sung Ho immediately changed the channel to a different station. Hearing Min Gi's voice gave him a headache, and hearing Ji Hyun mention that the person Min Gi was describing sounded like him made him feel uncomfortable. 

Ji Hyun felt oddly distant, like he was deep in thought, far far away, uneasiness crept up Sung Ho's heart, slowly wrapping around his heart. 

The ride took about an hour, and they reached the library. It looked the same, whitish-grey walls and pillars weathered through the years of rain and shine, vines hugging the base creeping upwards, it was a small library nearby their school. A philanthropist had donated to the library to maintain the library as it is amidst the ever-changing surroundings, in an effort to preserve the place where he had met his wife in their youth. 

They slowly walked in, breathing in the scent of nostalgia and old books. Sung Ho silently followed Ji Hyun, he went to the classic literature section and looked for a book, Ji Hyun's eyes lit up as he picked up a book, the cover slightly faded and tattered, he slowly caressed its cover and backbone. "Sonagi" Sung Ho's deep voice broke the silent air around them. Ji Hyun nodded and opened the cover of the book, taking out and unfolding the library card, his slender index finger traced downwards. Lee Ji Hyun, Park Sung Ho, the two names were separated by a thin line. A smile of endearment appeared on Ji Hyun's lips "I-I'll go read for a while." He sneaked off quickly like a thief in the night, Sung Ho trailed behind, knowing exactly where he went even though he was out of sight. 

Ji Hyun sat on the meter wide window sill, he always sat there to read, always. Sung Ho pretended to browse through the books, they had read many books and studied for hours at this exact library. Ji Hyun was a young master who did not see the importance of studying until he met Sung Ho. Ji Hyun's teen self was proud and lazy, but to follow Sung Ho who piqued his interest, he forced himself to study and read, till he himself wanted to do it. 

The bright afternoon sun went through the leaves of the towering tree outside, sunshine like shattered glass filtering through, showering Ji Hyun in his entirety. His eyelashes seemed to sparkle, and pale skin illuminating, almost ghostly. In Sung Ho's eyes, Ji Hyun looked beautiful, he could not help but admire him while slowly 'browsing' nearby. 

Ji Hyun flipped through the book, it was less for reading.. but to find something he had left years ago.

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Ten Years Ago, Summer

His eyebrows were scrunched up, gaze in deep focus, you could tell he was serious.. in answering the mathematical question in his study guide. "Sung Ho.. pssst... Sung Ho..." Ji Hyun whispered and poked at Sung Ho with the rubber side of his pencil. 

Sung Ho ignored him, Ji Hyun kept poking at him but could not get a response. "Heyy... I'm bored" Ji Hyun placed the pencil in between his upper lip and nose, trying to balance it. "Then go home.." Sung Ho softly replied. 

Ji Hyun kept quiet and went to take a random book, he plopped his butt on the window sill nearby. By then, he had already had his interest piqued by Sung Ho, he was determined to make Sung Ho accept him. He snuck a peek at Sung Ho's face, whose face held a happy and relaxed expression, likely he had figured out how to solve the equation. 

He loved Sung Ho's smile, and as if to immortalize it, his pencil started to move. Ji Hyun was pretty good at art, and although it was wrong to vandalize, he drew Sung Ho's visage into the book he was holding. Sung Ho was usually stoic, face hardly holding any emotion, Ji Hyun's pencil quickened to capture the moment imprinted in his eyes. 

Sung Ho finished the equation and saw Ji Hyun at the window sill, it was summer, Ji Hyun was sweaty and his uniform clung onto his fit and slightly tanned skin, a strange heat grew on Sung Ho's face, cheeks slightly reddening. He noticed Ji Hyun was busy scribbling something inside a book, he saw the title of the book and remembered it. He'll go and see it later on, in secret. 

Ji Hyun decided to borrow the book. He read it that night and cried, it was a story about a short-lived and tragic love between a boy and girl. He was not good with bad endings.. but it spruced him on to write something beside his drawing of Sung Ho. 

'Mine' he circled the word beside Sung Ho's face

'I'll treasure you, won't you love me back? Let’s make memories together!!!' he childishly wrote below the drawing. 

He returned the book the next day, eyes slightly reddened and puffy. 

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Ji Hyun flipped the pages to find his drawing. He came to the library to find the courage to tell Sung Ho about the pain he went through these past years, to relive the memory burned into his eyes and drawn onto the page of this book in the past. 

Eventually, he found it, slightly faded and smudged. He sighed in relief, thankfully no one had erased it. But.. there was something extra written in black ink below it, Ji Hyun recognized the handwriting.

 

"I'll be in your care 

-Sung Ho"

 

Ji Hyun's eyes reddened. He didn't know Sung Ho replied, this was likely before they got together. Sung Ho was watching him then, he quickly looked up and made eye contact with Sung Ho.. he was watching him, even now. 

Tears rolled down like a soft shower, was it really okay to love Sung Ho again? He had let him down, broke his heart, and left him behind. Ji Hyun had buried his love for Sung Ho deep in his heart, loathing and despising himself after finding how stupid he was for ending things between him and Sung Ho. He had given up, wished well for Sung Ho after realizing his mistake, and thought of it as Sung Ho's blessing to have dodged trash like him. Was it really okay to love, take things, depend on Sung Ho? He knew he did not deserve anything from Sung Ho, especially the kindness and warmth he was given. It felt like he would always go back to doubting himself, feeling worthless, and be reduced to a sobbing mess. 

His soft sobbing turned into a wail, Ji Hyun trembled and buried his face into the book, wetting his drawing with tears of the pain he felt. 

"Shhh!" A stern shushing was heard from a distance away, despite there being no one nearby. Ji Hyun covered his mouth and soft muffled sobbing was seeping out.

Sung Ho snatched the book away from Ji Hyun's grip and tossed it aside. He placed one knee in between Ji Hyun's legs, trapping him against the wall and himself. He pressed his lips against Ji Hyun's, Ji Hyun tried struggling but Sung Ho's strong palm at the back of his head held him in place. He could only flail his arms and legs around to no avail to break away. Sung Ho invaded his mouth as if prying his way into his heart, the deep and intense kiss took Ji Hyun's breath away, his depressing and sad thoughts replaced by lightheadedness and the need to breathe. 

When Sung Ho felt Ji Hyun weakening and his body almost going limp, he released Ji Hyun's lips, a thin trail of saliva breaking as he stood up. Ji Hyun gasped for air weakly, face flushed a rosy red. 

"Don't think. Stop thinking." Sung Ho warned. He had kind of grasped Ji Hyun's tendency to second guess himself, spiraling into his own world of darkness far far away from Sung Ho. He wanted Ji Hyun close, afraid he would float away if he got far enough. 

Ji Hyun's eyes were hazy, he focused on catching his breath else he may really faint. "Su..Sung Ho..I'm sorry... I'm… You... really.. Do you.. really want me? Is it really okay..? For you to treat me so well.." Two thin streams of tears rolled down the sides of his cheeks.

Sung Ho's finger made contact with the left side of Ji Hyun's chest, slowly drawing a circle at where the heart is. 

"Mine" he bent down and whispered softly into Ji Hyun's left ear and kissed it softly.

He wanted to wait till Ji Hyun was ready, not expecting now to be the time. The heartache of watching Ji Hyun like this, he could wait no longer. 'Please, Ji Hyun... Please, accept me' his thoughts pushed him to say the inevitable words stuck in his heart. 

“...Be my boyfriend, Ji Hyun, I love you” Sung Ho’s deep voice resonated to the depths of Ji Hyun’s being. Ji Hyun studied the serious and overstruck expression of the man in front of him with a blank and foolish expression. At that moment, both their hearts were filled with affection for the other, threatening to spill over. 

"I'll.. I'll be in your care. And I’m never leaving you again, never." Ji Hyun softly replied, wrapping his arms tightly around Sung Ho, tears free-falling from happiness.