Emi_the_Fairy

Hello all,

I want to take a moment to note that this chapter is going to be a bit heavier than the previous ones. It gets a little messy and dark in places, so please make sure you do what you need to feel comfortable.

On a similar note, if you have any suggestions for additional content warnings, please let me know.

Discord: https://discord.com/invite/EnsjDF74vC

Emi_the_Fairy

Content Warning: This chapter includes assertions of mental alteration, misgendering and deadnaming, doubt, descriptions of warfare, intense descriptions of violence, and reflection regarding dysphora. Reader discretion is advised.

“Are you almost ready?” Xenia asked as she finished fastening the straps of her gauntlets. It had been well over a week now since their encounter with the mercenaries, and they had managed to evade two encounters with danger thus far, and today would hopefully see the end of such concerns as they crossed into the Northern Territory.

“Just finished,” Saya said cheerily as she spun around the corner, wearing a fanciful pink and white dress, the long white under layer scooping up the pink atop of it as it spun in the air like the petals of a flower taking flight. She giggled as the skirt gracefully dropped back down to her sides. Xenia gave her a perplexed look for a moment. “Is something the matter sister?”

“N-no, of course not,” Xenia shook her head. “I am just surprised that you would wear something so…vibrant.”

“Oh? I just thought it would be nice to experiment,” she smiled in response. “We have been traveling for about three weeks now, so I thought it appropriate to play with my wardrobe. What do you think?”

“Tis very…striking,” Xenia said a sense of hesitance in her voice. Before Saya could linger on her words however, Xenia quickly moved on to the next topic at hand. “Anyway, we should head down for breakfast, we have a long day ahead,” Xenia said quickly turning for the door, Saya looking on with a concerned look at her sister’s back.

“Uh…hold on!” she said reaching out before breaking into a run. “Sister! Wait for me!”

Saya quickly pursued her sister down the hallway and stairs into the attached restaurant. As they had the first night of their journey, they had stayed at an Inn which featured a restaurant, a common feature in many of the inns they stayed at. This one was nothing particularly fancy, which suited both her and Xenia fine enough. Saya was still much too self-conscious to attend such a higher dining experience again, and Xenia had kept herself to more simplistic stylings when she could. The two sat at a table alone, dinning alone on this particular morning. A swell of silence seemed to prickle around them as they looked over the menu, Saya slightly unnerved by Xenia’s strange behavior, but otherwise excitedly reading the menu. Xenia conversely seemed far more tense and distant, a fact that seemed all the more evident when Saya called out to her.

“Xenia?” Saya looked at her intently.

“Y-yes?” Saya shifted her eyes to the right, prompting Xenia to turn and realize that a young waitress was standing there with an excited bounce as she waited expectantly for her order. “Oh, yes! I shall have the sausage gravy please,” she said with a nod. The waitress quickly jotted down her order into a small booklet and confirmed her order before heading off to the kitchen. She could only sigh as she realized how out of it she was.

“Tis the matter sister?” Saya asked.

“Nothing, just a lot on my mind,” she explained uncertainly. “That aside, did you order the sausage gravy for yourself as well?”

“Hm? Oh, no, I ordered the blueberry pancakes, they sounded quite delectable,” she said with a bright and cheery smile.

“I-I see, I just thought that you would prefer the gravy and proteins in general. I know it has long since been one of your favorites.”

“Hmm, I am not so certain about that anymore. I much prefer the sweet delicacies I have been enjoying of late,” Saya giggled. “Trying all of these foods has really made me realize how much I love other types of food,” she smiled. “Back home I had to try so hard to get any diversity in my meals. It was all planned out to help with my training and learning. I appreciate this chance to try new things.” Xenia nodded with slight hesitation, masking her ever deepening concern. Even her tastes were changing. They had been on this journey for quite some time now, and nearly two weeks had past since she had adopted ‘Saya’ as her alias. Things seemed at a standstill with the curse. Saya’s body had not changed any more than it had before aside from perhaps some extra length to her hair, but she was beginning to feel discomforted by the seeming lack of changes, it caused her to look elsewhere. The more she dwelled, the more discomforted she got, lingering on her ever-changing mannerisms and the sudden onslaught of new hobbies she had been developing. “Oh, we are crossing into the Northern territory today, correct?” Saya asked, snapping her from her thoughts.

“Y-yes, that is correct,” she confirmed with an abrupt nod, beginning to eat her food which she had just noticed had been placed before her.

“Tis exciting, is it not? The former kingdom of Ethnerta. I have read much about it, and I am quite curious what it is like under father’s reign,” she chirped as she took a bight of syrup slathered pancake, gushing with delectable bluish purple juice. “You have not seen it yourself, correct?” she asked before biting down on the delectable bite with an eager smile.

“I have not,” Xenia confirmed. “That region is purely up to father’s personal regiments to watch over. Our maps are largely empty as well, so we will be traveling rather blindly from here going forward.”

“I wonder, what will we find up there? The books back home were so empty of the region’s details itself. It is exciting to know we get to see it ourselves,” Saya smiled, Xenia giving an apprehensive nod.

As they finished up breakfast, Saya headed towards her carriage, a collection of knights coming to Xenia for all manner of reasons. Confirming cargo, preparation for emergency protocols, formations, and a variety of other details. As preparations seemed to approach their end, Aria began to approach her as well. “Aria, just who I desired to see.”

“Oh? I was just coming to confirm that Saya and Mable are ready for departure. Was there something else you wanted of me Captain?”

“There is. I would like to ask you to keep a close eye on Saya,” Xenia nodded.

“Saya? That is already my duty, is it not?” she tilted her head confusedly.

“Yes, but…I want you to keep an eye on her behaviors,” Xenia grimaced.

“Captain?”

“I apologize Aria, the truth is that I am currently afraid. After we nearly failed her twice, I have become…burdened with fear of failing her again,” she said, doing her best to maintain her composure.

“Afraid? Failing? What are you talking about?”

“Have you noticed her changes, or lack there of? Saya has not changed physically since we left the castle. At least not as drastically as before. After how quick and sudden those changes were I expected some other drastic change to follow. Is it not strange that they stopped so abruptly? I have tried to think little of it, even trying to hope that perhaps it meant that by moving, we were perhaps slowing the curse, but as I linger on such thoughts the more I begin to fear that has been only positive thinking.”

“What are you talking about Captain?” Aria’s eyes shimmering with worry.

“Aria, do you not think Saya has begun to act differently?”

“Act differently? Are you referring to her lost fighting prowess?”

“In part, but more than that. Her tastes and behaviors are changing. I can hardly see the strong confident expressions of Gilbert anymore in her. She has become softer, gentler, even weaker and frightful. Tis as if she is fulfilling the temperament of a young unconcerned maiden,” Xenia sighed as she placed her hand upon her trusty steed, Bella, a sorrowful look in her eye. “When we began, I believed the changes would remain physical, but the more we travel, the more I begin to realize that I was wrong. Saya is no longer changing physically, but her personality, her behaviors have been as well, and I fear the curse is overwhelming her, and she may not even be aware of it,” she frowned.

“Captain…”

“Aria, please, I am afraid I might lose her…that I might lose him. So, please just watch over him…” she said, a brief shadow of vulnerability claiming her expression. “I am scared I may lose him.”

Aria nodded. “I will do all I can your highness. Just please, don’t give up hope. We won’t let this witch or her curse win, right?” Xenia nodded, wiping away her tears, resolve once more exerting itself upon her visage.

“You are right. Thank you, Aria,” the two nodded to each other. “Now, get to your post, we will be leaving shortly,” Xenia told her, Aria nodding and heading to the carriage, Xenia’s ordering the other knights to take their positions echoing behind her.

Aria made her way back to the carriage, taking a deep breath to center herself. She didn’t want to panic the two after all. Upon doing so, she climbed in to see Saya and Mable talking. “Hey, you two,” she greeted them, asserting herself with her usual cheery grin.

“Aria!” Saya waved. “Welcome back!”

“I was just talking to her about the Northern region, and the former kingdom of Ethnerta,” Mable said with her soft kind face, clearly excited to share information. “Want to listen?”

“Sure thing, but first just be ready, we’re about to head out,” she announced with a smile, quietly noticing the small effects that Xenia had expressed to her. She was simply overstating things, wasn’t she?

“Right,” the two answered in tandem. The caravan once more deployed, carriage after carriage, surrounded by mounted knights, as they traveled further North, all the while the girls began to discuss the kingdom of Ethnerta.

It had been just about three decades that had passed since the kingdom of Ethnerta had perished. The fateful war came to an end, a war signifying the end of a centuries long struggle between the mighty kingdoms of Luxur and Ethnerta, one born of ideological and religious differences. Luxur had long since been a kingdom devoted to the Holy Church of Heaven, a religion that worshiped the single god of Heaven and his kingdom of angels. Scripture spoke of the god’s rise to prominence and the felling of other false deities over one thousand years prior, and now much of Dracluce basked in his radiant protection. Yet Luxur in particular had been graced as one of the oldest kingdoms to follow the Church and had participated in battles and wars for its protection and power alike since the earliest days.

Ethnerta conversely, was a kingdom both young and unconventional, which came about after a war between several kingdoms led to a unified insurrection of the people caught between their military might. It was a kingdom that sought protection, progress, and prosperity alike, and it would become known as a jewel in Dracluce to many a kingdom near and far, even across the seas.

However, although it too had grown to be quite mature, lasting over three centuries, they were tested by a constant tension with Luxur, not only due to their ideals of what ‘progress’ meant and how it threatened the way of life of Luxur’s people, but also because of their disloyal behavior. Ethnerta refused to adhere to the church’s scripture and orders, allowing its citizens to practice in sacrilegious beliefs. Yet that was not all of their indiscretions, on the contrary, for while the church allowed them to persist and grow, turning a blind eye to their sins, they had indulged in a great sin, witchcraft. Their great ‘progress’ was founded upon lies and sins, vile temptresses misleading the people to indulge in sin, even becoming demons and witches themselves. The church and Luxur’s patience had been exhausted and they could no longer stay their blades when their usage of the dark arts and the proliferation of such evil creatures became known.

Thus, Luxur went to war with Ethnerta in an instant, then mighty Prince Zerto Lx Aurelo leading his mighty army along with the Church’s aide to cleanse the corrupted land and people. It was a long and bloody war, one whose aftermath was still delicately being handled by the now king himself. They say that the vicious battles were drenched in flame and blood at the witches behest, sacrificing innocents to their flock of demons and spells. Yet, with the aid of his newfound companion, his bride to be, Elesa, the young Prince slew the corrupted monarch and the Witch Queen, bringing an end to the brutal war. Yet, although Luxur had ended the corrupt kingdom and laid claim to its land, few had visited the cursed lands, the King ordering a quarantine upon the region as his elite soldiers dismantled the great darkness which had poisoned the land and nurse the sickly people left behind. Consequently, little was truly known about the Northern region, much less what horrors were to be present within.

The caravan traveled onward, dark clouds gathering upon them, as if summoned by the cursed land, yet continue they did. Down through a steep valley and up along its river they traveled, the midday sun blotted out by dark clouds. Even the sternest among them could not shake the hint of apprehension and wariness as they marched on. Their travels were made all the more rigorous by the bumpy, rocky, and frankly unpleasantly uncared for road they traversed. And then, at last, a stone wall, calling for a sigh of relief.

“A town,” Saya squeaked. “I wonder what tis like. What interesting…” Saya began to wonder aloud as they breached the vacant gate, but she could not finish as her mouth lay agape from shock. “W-what…?”

The records of the war were ambiguous at best, but were always framed positively, speaking of the achievements the king had achieved, the good that he had delivered. What these reports neglected to note, was the state of the people, their towns, and their lives, nor in fact, the lack thereof.

Saya was shocked, heartbroken, and deeply unsettled as she gazed upon the shambles of the passing ruined buildings, entire walls missing as the remains of other walls and items inside lay in cratered floors below. Some had given way to foliage, which had made their claim due to rampant neglect, but others had a much more artificial causation, the streets meeting a similar fate. The bulging cobblestone roads gave way to more craters, big dark spheres deep within caked in mud and dust. Nary a soul could be seen in the abandoned, ravaged streets, which in one sense could be considered a blessing, had it not been for the clear reason as to why it was so devoid of life.

“What happened here?” Saya asked with a distant shaken voice. Her mind boggling at the horrible incomprehensible horrors stretching before her.

“War,” Mable answered with a mumble. “This is what happens to towns and cities during a war, Saya. People lose their homes, and their lives, even if they aren’t on the battlefield. It’s what war is,” she said dejectedly.

“It’s worse than I expected though,” Aria lamented. “What led them to use cannon fire upon such a city? Such high end weaponry is rather unusual for our armies.”

“I don’t believe we keep any cannons at the castle, right?”

“I think the church owns all of them,” Aria said crossing her arms

Saya looked on in horror as she thought about what she was witnessing. War was supposed to be grand, glorious, and inspiring, full of righteous victories and triumphs over dastardly foes. That was what she was raised to believe. She never once considered that people’s homes and lives would be taken for the actions of their sovereigns, much less so gruesomely.

As she spied the passing carnage, she could make out details, what may have been a bakery, where people would come to buy delicious breads, now lay in rubble, only the rusting ovens remaining. Another building which seemed to have been a library, lay with decayed books strewn upon the rubble covered floor. And then, a building that looked somewhat reminiscent of Hannah’s shop and home, a place that was meant to be safe, completely collapsed, a scant few destroyed paintings barely surviving the fire which consumed them, while the rest gave way to the elements. She immediately felt a deep pain as she considered what would happen if Hannah met this same fate. What if a girl like Hannah lived here, forever losing her home, potentially her life. It was all so horrible to consider, but not as horrible as the other realization she came to.

“War…that means soldiers did this. That means knights…knights did this, didn’t they,” she mumbled.

“I suppose so,” Aria said with a dejected glance. “I suppose even the Lumina Knights participated back then,” she lamented. “That’s just how things are.”

Saya looked on in horror, so entranced she even believed she saw a girl, with red eyes and long dark hair, for a brief second before realizing she was not there. Perhaps she was an apparition or an illusion caused by her horrified mind, as she was lost in her imaginings of what was lost. “A-are all knights destined to do this?” she asked to a speechless Aria and Mable. She was mortified at what she saw, the caravan silently travelling on. “A-am I destined to do this?” she mumbled.

* * *

The daylight of the sun began to edge away from the sky, the imminent coming of dusk serving as a prompt for the traveling caravan to cease for the day. Over the ensuing day, Saya’s mood had continued to deteriorate, as if like the evening sky herself, her brightness slowly fading into shadows. Mable and Aria could only sit and watch as her thoughts became increasingly muddled and steeped in doubt. Even as the carriage slowed to a still, she remained despondent and isolated in her thoughts. Mable and Aria discussing her behavior as the other knights got to work.

“What do we do?” Mable wondered aloud.

“She’s been acting like this ever since we saw that town,” Aria sighed.

“Did she say anything before she started acting like this?” Xenia asked.

“Just something about knights. I didn’t really catch what she was saying though,” Mable frowned.

“Knights, huh?” Xenia began thinking. “Aria.”

“Yes, Captain?”

“You still need to do your evening drills, correct?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Good, then have Saya accompany you. Perhaps watching you train will set her at ease,” Xenia instructed.

“Good thinking, ma’am,” Aria nodded. “I’ll go fetch her and go to the others then.”

“Please do,” Xenia nodded as Aria got up to leave.

“Do you really think that’s a good idea Xenia?” Mable asked.

“Why would it not be?”

“I just…I don’t know, I’m sorry,” Mable apologized. “I’m just worried I guess.”

“It’ll be okay Mable,” Xenia nodded. “We’ll beat this.”

“R-right,” Mable nodded, still a little uncertain.

Elsewhere, Aria had guided Saya to a large field that opened just outside of the camp’s perimeter, beyond a small path in the surrounding woods. By the looks of it, it was a natural floodplain, full of thick luscious grass. While the grass was inconvenient, it was more than viable for the bit of training Aria and her fellows had planned, Saya observing while sitting upon a nearby log, a small blanket serving as her cushion.

Aria and the other knights became quite caught up in their training session, solidly trading parries and making refined movements, chasing, falling, and clashing with their partners. The loud clangs of the swords were entrancing in a sense, the flowing movements however were the real show for Saya. Watching Aria dance and sway as she dodged her opponent’s advances was comforting to watch and served a nice distraction, as a smile began to claim her delicate face. Watching her fight, it was beautiful.

“Ugh,” Aria shirked back as her partner, Rosa, landed a firm blow on her shoulder with the practice sword.

“You okay?” Rosa asked as she tossed back her pinkish blonde hair.

“I’m fine, let’s keep going,” she smiled as she rolled her arm excitedly.

Aria excitedly resumed her training, wholly unaware of the twisting expression that began to form on Saya’s face as her mind began to run with all manner of thoughts. What if she had gotten hurt? What if it were a real battle? She tried to shake herself free from the vindictive series of questions. But it was too late, her mind quickly resumed reflecting upon the horrible visage of the ruined Ethnertan town. The collapsed buildings, the gouged Earth, the unmistakable scars of carnage, and her fated role in such things.

Watching the training took on a horrible connotation as she watched the blades crash into each other. She imagined the blades crashing upon that battleground. She imagined she herself taking sword in hand and fighting, she began to tremble with disgust, she tried to run, tripping before a puddle of water, staring upon it revealing a cruel, angry, teeth gritting image of Gilbert. She snapped back to reality as she grabbed hold of herself. Her stomach beginning to churn from the ugly thoughts.

“Saya?” her head snapped up to see Aria’s concerned eyes looking upon her. “Are you okay? You don’t look well.”

“I…I am not feeling myself,” she admitted with a forlorn expression.

Aria nodded. “I guess this was really pushing you more than necessary. I’m sorry,” she frowned, leaning over to hug her. “Listen, we have to clean up. Why don’t you go ahead and head back, okay? I’ll explain to Xenia that you aren’t feeling well.”

“Y-yes, thank you,” she mumbled with a nod, getting up and leaving, clutching her chest as she left. Aria looking on with concern, lingering on her small meek demeanor.

As instructed, Saya began to return to the campsite, her return only consumed by the fog of her turning mind. She understood what Aria and the others wanted to show her, but the doubts were undying within her. Is it a knight’s duty, their obligation, to commit such horrible things? She knew that it could not have to been true, but she remembered what Aria mentioned at the town, ‘…even the Lumina Knights likely participated.’ Even the knights she so idolized as a child were conscripted into such cruelty. She understood the necessity, and she could reconcile Aria and Xenia’s decisions, but there was a greater concern within her. That was the path she was destined for. She was supposed to be a knight, training for it for years, and had she not lost her muscles and knowledge, she may have been pursuing it even now. Training to be a bold strong, masculine knight. Training to be an instrument of death and cruelty, just like in her waking nightmare.

Her eyes grew wide as she made a horrifying realization, her hands covering her mouth as she felt herself beginning to gag, running into the bushes beneath the thick trees. She thought of the swinging iron sinking into flesh and crushing bone, the spilling of blood, and the weight of it all done by her hands, nay by Gilbert’s hands. Her stomach twisted and turned at the mere thought. She was supposed to be a knight, it was what was expected of her, stern, proud, and strong, stained with blood, mercilessness, and dispassion. In that moment, she came to the truth.

“No,” she cried. “No, no, no!” she coughed. “I will not! I cannot!” she lurched, her hair tumbling around her and tears beginning to run down her face.

She could see Gilbert in her mind staring at her, fresh innocent blood dripping off his blade telling her to get up. ‘You are supposed to be better than this! We are supposed to be an honorable knight!’ he said.

“I do not desire this! I do not desire to hurt people!” she cried.

‘It does not matter if you desire it or not. It is what has been decided, you know that,’ the shadow glared with a seemingly gentle confidence which twisted into her like a scornful drill. ‘We must, to protect our people.’

“Stop it! I…I refuse!”

‘Refuse? Refuse what?’ ‘he’ stared at her like a petulant child. ‘Refuse your duty? Refuse the mantle we have strived so hard for?’

“I refuse to be a knight!”

The ominously cruel form sighed. ‘That is too bad, because that is your destiny. You are destined to be a knight. It is your sworn duty as a Prince,’ he said.

“A p-prince?” she shook as the thought crossed her mind again, opening her eyes to see her equally shaking hands. Her eyes widened as she began to realize the true nature of her thoughts. “A tough prince, even a Pretty Prince, is meant to be tough, and strong,” she said dejectedly, her imagining of Gilbert giving a resolute nod. “A prince does not have time for the frivolities of painting, or dancing, or playing with children. He is meant to be productive and strong.”

‘That is correct,’ the phantom nodded.

“I finally understand,” she whispered. “The thing I have been running away from. The thing that I…I do not want it. I…I do not wish to be a knight. I do not desire to be a prince!” she said, renewed confidence in her voice. “I do not desire to be him. I do not desire to be you. I do not desire to be Gilbert ever again,” she wept, with a hushed bite.

She closed her eyes, Gilbert scowling at her. ‘What do you mean you do not want to be me again?’

“I want to be Saya. A girl free to enjoy and express herself. One free of these hollow duties. I…I do not desire to be you anymore. I do not desire to be you, Gilbert. A man, a prince, a knight. I do not want any of it. Never again,” she said with resolve, causing her imagined opponent to shirk back and began to fade into nothingness, his scowl becoming a smile in the end, as he nodded with thanks. She gripped her chest, “I want to stay as me,” she cried.

She stumbled back to her feet and relaxed her breathing, wiping away her remaining tears. She had finally accepted the truth, her truth. No matter what lay ahead, she could no longer run from her own feelings. She took a deep breath as she looked back towards the road to camp, deciding to return, leaving and discarding Gilbert behind her. “Goodbye, Gilbert,” she whispered, as she stumbled back to her feet.

As she rose, she noticed her hands glowing once more. She had not seen them glow since the night with the mercenaries, and believed it to have been a hallucination. And yet, here it was again, a soft azure light emanating from her hands. The energy, was it magic? As she focused on it, she realized how gentle and comfortable it felt, almost as if it was trying to help her. She smiled a bit, but before too long it was gone. “Thank you,” she whispered. Whatever it was, she could only thank it for its aide. She took a deep breath and returned to the main pathway, slowly approaching the camp once more.

“Saya,” Aria called to her in panic as Saya returned. “Where have you been? I can’t take my eyes off you for a second.”

“I was…” she sighed, holding her arm to her side. “I needed sometime to myself. I…I am sorry.”

Aria sighed. “I understand things are rough right now, but please, I need to keep you safe. I don’t want what happened back then with those bandits to happen again, okay?”

“Y-yes, I am sorry to have worried you,” Saya frowned.

“H-hey, I’m not trying to be mean or anything. I…I’m just worried about you, okay? Please, rely on me. I’m here for you. As your knight. As your friend,” she said, kneeling before her elegantly. The moonlight seemed to kiss her silhouette, giving her a soft halo, as her shining armor glowed in the night. Her brilliant blue eyes looked at her pleadingly, as if glowing with warmth, worry, and a fiery strength. Saya stared deep into her eyes, feeling the slight dampness of her tears encroaching upon her eyes again. Her heart stirred, prompting a warmth to build within her.

“Aria…” she cried as she fell into her strong kind arms. No matter the doubts that had plagued her. No matter the fears that ate at her. She was safe. She was safe in these loving arms. She cried, long and hard, losing track of time, place, and all that was around her in an eternal moment. She still had a place to belong, even with her fate erased. Things were going to get better; she just knew it.