Ten: Is This A Date?
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Content warning:

Spoiler

(Involuntary) misgendering.

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“So, a bit of inside info,” Josh said; he looked around and leaned over the table, lowering his voice and whispering conspiratorially: “A little bird told me Sun Vulcan is about to release a new song, and they wanted to get some feedback on it. You think Chloe might be interested in a preview?”

I swallowed a mouthful of vegetables and smiled. “Are you kidding? She would love to.”

“Great,” he nodded, smiling back. “I’ll send you the link to the song later. Of course, no speaking about this before the song is officially released, it’s all hush hush. You understand.”

“Yeah, I understand,” I replied. “I’ll be sure to remind Chloe.”

Josh nodded again, reached across the table, and squeezed my hand, looking into my eyes; at that moment, the bell rang, signalling the end of lunch period.

“Whoa, it’s that time already?” I said. “I completely lost track of time. Guess we better get back to class.”

Josh looked a bit dejected, but let go of my hand. “What are you doing this afternoon?” he asked.

“Oh, I have my study group now, then maths, then physics, then I’m going home. You?”

“English lit, and then double chemistry,” he said. “I might need your help for that soon, I’m starting to fall behind the class again.”

I smiled at him. “I’m sure you’re doing just fine, but I’m always available if you need.” I got up from my chair. “See you tomorrow, Josh.”

“See you, Wilson,” he replied.

I froze.

Wilson.

He always called me that when there were other people around, and I appreciated him for it. I was really grateful to the effort he made not to accidentally out me.

But on the other hand, it had been half a week since our… Had it been a date? Yeah, probably. It had been four days, and we hadn’t had the chance to talk outside of school or text messages.

And I…

I really wanted him to say my name. I wanted to hear his voice call me Emily.

But I knew that wasn’t safe. Not at school.

I looked at him for a few moments, then gave him a brief nod. I walked to the cafeteria doors, but when I reached them I paused and turned back: Josh was still looking at me. He gave me a wave, which I reciprocated, and then I walked out.

-----

Josh walked me up to the door, and waited until I turned around. This time, instead of grabbing my hands, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close; his face was inches from mine.

After a moment’s hesitation, he leaned in, and whispered--

“Wilson, are you with us?”

I shook myself. “Huh? What?” I mumbled, looking up at Aggie; she, Nick, and Mark were looking at me in concern.

“I said, are you with us?” she repeated.

I shrugged “Yeah, why do you ask?”

“Well, you were kinda staring off into the void right now,” Mark said. “And you had a dumb smile on your face.”

Had I? That had never happened before. So now I was even daydreaming about Josh? Even though we hadn’t gone beyond holding hands, or a chaste kiss on the cheek? Even though I had no idea how he even felt about me?

Was this what liking someone, liking them that way, was like?

“Yeah, sorry, I didn’t sleep that well last night. I’m a bit out of it,” I said; then I took a deep breath. “Where were we?”

“Sines, cosines, and tangents,” Nick replied, pointing at the textbook.

“Right,” I said. Then I hesitated. Maybe… “Can I ask you a question? It’s kinda personal, but…” I looked between the three of them. “I don’t really have any other friends I can ask.”

The trio exchanged glances, but then Aggie nodded. “Sure, what is it?”

“Well, you see, it’s about…” I hesitated again. “It’s about my sister. She’s been hanging out with someone she met at school lately, and she doesn’t really know where they stand right now.”

Aggie put her hand to her chin and looked at me pensively. “What do you mean?”

“Well, first of all…”

I took a deep breath and launched into a brief and heavily redacted version of the Saturday I’d spent with Josh at the artisans’ market. I concluded by saying: “The problem is… My sister was wondering. Was that, you know… a date?”

“Yes,” Nick said, without hesitation.

I turned to him, a bit startled. “Yes? Just like that? No additional questions or clarification needed?”

“Are you kidding?” he replied. “That was clearly a date.”

Aggie nodded in agreement, but Mark held up his hand. “Hold on, we’re not considering the guy’s point of view here,” he said.

“Oh? And that is?” Nick asked, the hint of a smile on his lips.

“Well, he might have not meant for it to be a date,” Mark said.

Nick looked at him, and smirked. “Mark. Honey. Dear.”

“Yes?”

“Consider this.” Nick started counting off his fingers. “The guy drove Wilson’s sister two hours to another town, and two hours back. He paid for lunch. He bought her a present. He walked her to her front door after they were back.” He shook his head. “You don’t have to be Microsoft Excel to think it was a date.”

I frowned. “What does that even mean?” I asked.

“Forget it,” Aggie said with a laugh. “It’s probably an Internet meme or something. Nick spends too much time online.”

“Still,” Mark said. “While I agree that it was a date… Sometimes, dates just happen, without either party meaning to. Remember how it went with us?”

Nick tilted his head to the side. “Point taken,” he replied, then turned to me. “Wilson, do you know if either your sister or her friend meant for it to be a date?”

“Uh…” I said. “Well, my sister hoped it would be a date. But she’s not sure her friend thought the same.”

“Well, why doesn’t she just ask him? I mean, that’s the only way to be completely sure.”

I met his eyes and held his gaze for a couple seconds, then I sighed deeply. “I don’t know,” I answered. “She’s probably scared. I mean…” I looked around the table. “What if he says no? That it wasn’t a date, that he doesn’t think of her that way, and it was only a friendly outing?”

“Then that’s that,” Aggie said. “But at least, she’ll know for sure.”

The other two nodded in agreement.

I gulped. “Alright. I’ll ask… I mean, I’ll tell my sister to ask him.” Then I sighed again. “I just hope it’ll go well.”

“Good,” Nick said. Then, after a moment when no one said anything else, he continued: “So now that we’re done with this tangent, we can get back to tangents.

“Okay,” I nodded.

About half an hour later, we were done with our review of trigonometry and related subjects. I stretched my arms and, as the other members of the study group got up and moved to their desks for the next period, I picked up my phone and checked it: there were a few messages waiting, one of them from Josh, asking me if I was free on Saturday.

I smiled, and typed out a reply. Yeah, sure. Why?

His answer came almost immediately: Remember the fountain pen you gave me? Well, I finally ran out of ink, and I need to buy some.

I blinked in surprise. What? You were still using that pen?

Yeah, you were right that writing with a fountain pen feels much better. Plus, it was a present from you.

I felt myself blushing, but didn’t write anything as Josh kept sending messages.

So I need some more ink. And maybe a new pen. Wanna go to the stationery store with me?

Gladly, I typed in reply.

Great! came Josh’s reply. Then it’s a date. Then there was a pause. Because we agreed to go to the mall together on Saturday, so that’s a date we set.

Unexpectedly, I found myself giggling. See you tomorrow, dork, I wrote, then I locked my phone and slipped it in my backpack.

When I looked up I saw Aggie standing by my desk, looking at me with a mild smile on her lips. “What?” I asked.

“You have a really nice smile, Wilson,” she said. “Though you don’t let people see it often. Did something good happen?”

Unconsciously, my smile widened. “Yeah, you could say so,” I replied.

-----

On Saturday, as I’d agreed with Josh, I borrowed Mom’s car and drove to his house; he lived on the opposite side of town from me, but it was almost exactly on the way from my house to the mall, so we arranged for me to pick him up.

I’d never actually been to his house, but the neighbourhood was completely normal: rows and rows of suburban homes, all alike. I drove slowly along the street, looking at the numbers on the front of the houses, until I found the one I was looking for; I parked my car, got out, and walked to the front door. As I approached the building I heard Sun Vulcan’s music coming faintly from the garage, and I smiled to myself as I rang the bell – that was one way to be sure it was the right house.

After a few moments the door opened, and I found myself looking at a middle-aged, heavy-set man; I could see a bit of Josh in him.

“Yes, can I help you?” the man asked, smiling kindly.

“Hi, I’m Wilson,” I said, extending a hand towards him. “I’m here to pick up Josh.”

The man frowned slightly. “You’re Wilson?” he said, taking my hand and shaking it.

“…Yes?” I replied. “Is there a problem?”

He looked at me for a few moments, then shook his head. “No, no problem at all,” he said. “It’s just, I thought you were--”

“I’m here, Wilson!” Josh said, stepping up to the door. “Sorry for the wait.”

“Hi, Josh,” I said, smiling. “Shall we go?”

He nodded. “Yeah, let’s.” He gave his uncle a brief hug. “See you later, Uncle Kay,” he said; then we walked to my car.

As I got in and started the engine again, I thought back to what Josh’s uncle had said. I thought you were… what? He thought I was what?

I pulled off the side of the road, and started the drive towards the mall. “Your uncle seems nice,” I remarked.

Josh nodded again. “Yeah, he really is. I owe him a lot.”

I recalled Josh telling me about how his uncle had taken him in when he’d been thrown out by his mother, so I nodded in return. “Kay’s an unusual name, though.”

“It’s a nickname,” Josh replied. “His real name is Kentigern, but it’s a mouthful so I shorten it. He doesn’t mind.”

“Right.” I paused. “Did you tell him about me?”

He turned his head to look at me. “About you?”

“That I’m a girl,” I clarified.

“Why do you ask?”

“Well… He seemed surprised when I told him I was Wilson. Like he was expecting to see someone else,” I said.

“Huh,” Josh said. “Weird. Anyway, no, I didn’t tell him. And I’m not going to tell anyone, not without your permission.”

I smiled warmly at him. “Thanks.” But he might suspect it, though, from the way he behaved, I thought.

We spent the rest of the ride to the mall making small talk, just chatting with each other about whatever. It was incredible, actually: even though we spent every day talking to each other over lunch, somehow we never ran out of things to say. I really enjoyed talking with Josh, and I got the feeling he enjoyed talking with me in turn.

When we reached the mall, I parked the car and we made our way to the stationery store. “Alright,” I said, stepping into the shop and turning to Josh. “You said you needed some ink?” When he nodded, I continued: “Any preference on the colour?”

“Hmm… Blue or black, probably,” he replied, putting his hand to his chin. “Or something close to that. I want to be able to use the pen for tests, after all.”

I nodded in return. “Okay. Last time the ink I put into your pen was… Indigo, I think?” I replied, thinking back. “Yeah, it was indigo. Wanna keep it classy, or do you wanna go bolder?”

“What do you mean by bolder?” he asked. “Blue is blue. There can’t be that many shades, right?”

“Oh, Josh, you’re so naive,” I answered with a grin. “Come on, over here.”

I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him across the store, stopping in front of a shelf that was filled with dozens of bottles, top to bottom; each had a small card in front of it, showing the exact colour the ink had – and all of them were blue, ranging from light blue to deep blue, from a muted azure to a bright royal blue.

“…Whoa,” Josh said, boggling at the selection. “There’s… Whoa.”

Still grinning, I punched his shoulder. “See? We should probably avoid the lighter shades, like cyan or teal, they’re not appropriate for school. But everything else should be fine.” I gestured at the shelf. “Take your pick.”

Josh took his time inspecting the bottles, looking carefully at every shade that caught his eye, with me providing input, before he settled on an intense, saturated ultramarine.

“Nice choice,” I said, nodding approvingly. “This will definitely stand out, but it’s still blue, so the teachers can’t complain. Even though they always make a face when I bring them a test filled in in a weird colour,” I finished with a laugh.

“Yeah, that was my reasoning,” Josh said, laughing along with me.

“You said you wanted to look for a new pen, too?” I asked.

Josh nodded. “Yes, nothing too expensive, just something practical like the one you gave me,” he answered.

I nodded in return, and walked with him to the front of the store, where the owner was standing behind the counter, looking bored while flipping through a magazine – there wasn’t anyone else besides us in the shop.

“Hi there!” I said. “My friend would like to buy a fountain pen.”

The owner looked up and smiled. “Well, this is unusual,” he said. “There aren’t many young people like you who are interested in this kind of stuff. Come right over, I’ll show you some pens you can pick from.”

“Nothing too expensive,” I added. “In the fifty dollar price range, at most.” I hesitated, realising I hadn’t asked Josh about how much he was willing to spend, and turned to him. “Is that alright?”

“Yeah, that’s perfectly fine,” he replied.

We spent the next several minutes looking over pens and trying them out in a notebook the store’s owner provided: after all, Josh wasn’t looking for a specific piece for a collection, but rather for something he could use every day at school, so it had to be comfortable to him. When he’d chosen one the owner wrapped it up, and we paid for it – I insisted on paying half the price, since Josh had paid for half of my dress, weeks earlier.

We left the store and walked to the food court, to grab a snack before heading home; along the way, and when we were seated, we kept talking among ourselves.

“I had no idea fountain pens were that cheap,” Josh said. “I mean, you’d mentioned they weren’t expensive, but I thought I was going to spend, like, a hundred.”

I shook my head. “Nah, many if not most pens cost much less than that. I think the most expensive in my collection is worth about a hundred fifty dollars, and that was a gift from my parents.” I grinned. “And then there’s stuff like the limited edition silver Stallone pen, which has swords and snakes and skulls on it. But those are design pieces, I don’t think anyone actually uses them for writing.”

“I see,” Josh replied.

Then we fell silent, and we just sat there for a while, taking occasional sips of our drinks, looking at each other, and at the people walking by around us.

And I found myself thinking back to the conversation I had with Nick, Mark and Aggie during my study group. About making sure whether Josh and I felt the same, if our outings were just friendly meet-ups, or actual dates.

Were we dating? Or were we just friends?

Well, why don’t you ask him?

I gripped my cup tighter, and lowered my eyes, not daring to look directly at Josh; I took a deep breath, steadying my nerves.

“Josh—”

“Mommy, look! It’s Josh and Emily!”

My eyes snapped up and looked at the source of the voice: quickly approaching us at a light run was Ellie, the girl we’d helped when we went to the artisans’ market. Following close behind her was her mother, who chided her, “Ellie, don’t run, you’ll fall!”

I froze, staring at Ellie coming towards us; I hadn’t expected to see her again – after all, the town the market was in was more than two hours away – and, what’s more, I hadn’t expected her to recognise me, dressed as I was in boys’ clothes.

Ellie stopped a few feet from us and looked up at me, wide eyed.

“Hi, Ellie!” Josh said. “How are you doing?”

The girl ignored him; instead, she kept staring at me. “Why are you dressed like that?” she asked.

I felt blood drain from my face. “Uh…” I began, then stopped. What was I even supposed to say? How could I begin to explain… well, everything about me, to a girl who was probably no older than four or five?

Ellie’s mother, meanwhile, had stopped behind her; she looked between me and Josh, frowning, but then recognition and comprehension dawned on her face.

“Ellie, dear, why don’t you go buy some ice cream?” she said; she rooted around her purse for a few moments, pulled out a twenty-dollar bill, and offered it to Josh. “Would you mind going with her? Bring back some for Emily and me, too.”

“Yay! Ice cream!” Ellie cheered; Josh looked at me for a moment, but I gave him a sharp nod, and he got up from his chair, grabbed Ellie’s hand, and led her away.

I slowly exhaled the breath I’d been holding, and relaxed into my chair. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Ellie’s mother said, taking a seat. “Sometimes Ellie can be a bit much, she says things without thinking about the consequences.”

I smiled. “Children are like that,” I replied. “I know that from experience, I have a four-year-old brother.” I paused. “…You don’t… uh… mind?” I asked.

She shook her head. “Why would I mind? What you wear, or who you are, is no business of mine. You helped Ellie when she got lost, and that’s enough for me.” She smiled. “Though I understand why you wouldn’t want everyone to know.”

I nodded. “At least not yet. Not until I’m ready.”

She nodded in return, but didn’t say anything.

We just sat there for a while, without talking; I found myself thinking about my situation. Not until I’m ready, I’d said. Before getting to know Josh, I’d been planning to wait until after the school year was over, so I could make the switch over the summer. Now… I was not so sure. I found myself wanting to be able to be with him without having to hide anything: to just walk around, the two of us, with no worries whatsoever.

And beside Josh, I’d also made some friends in my own class; and having to pretend to be a boy around them was markedly uncomfortable. I’d been able to do so without any real effort when I kept to myself, without talking to anyone, but having to interact with people I cared about while pretending to be someone I wasn’t was another matter entirely.

No, I resolved. I had to do this before the end of the school year.

I shook myself from my thoughts as Josh and Ellie returned, carrying two ice cream cones each; they sat down, and we ate and chatted. Ellie had seemingly forgotten all about her interest in my clothes: all the better, this way the risk of her accidentally outing me to everyone in earshot was much lower.

When we were done eating Josh and I thanked Ellie’s mother for the ice cream, said goodbye to the two of them, and made our way home, making small talk all the while.

It wasn’t until I’d dropped Josh off at his house that I realised I’d completely forgotten to ask him what he thought about our outings and, more importantly, what he thought about me.

 

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This is the start of a running joke where Emily gets interrupted every time she starts to ask Josh what he thinks of her 😈

...Nah, not really. I'm not that cruel. I promise I'll be nice to my babies.

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