I worked very hard after my encounter with my father.

I would think of what happened, so I would work harder to try and forget it. Feeling his arms around me like that, like how I had wanted for ten years…

They felt safe and secure and it was all I had wanted for so long!

He had even said that he didn’t even know I had become a slave, that he was trying to save me by leaving me alone!

How had I changed my mind and not wanted my father’s love!?

Having felt like I wanted to be as far from him as possible, it confused me…I remember how he treated me in the past and having heard what he said…I didn’t know what to believe.

I know I wanted to trust him and have him hug me again, but I didn’t want to be in a position to loss it…

I was scared even thinking about it!

Trying to change the thoughts going through my mind, I finally remembered the note that I had given him and…

Knowing what the letter to my father had read, I was starting to finally realize what it meant, and I gave it some thought. I found it immediately easier to think of this, instead of that of my relationship with my father. It was something I could take time to figure out and have no feelings about just yet…Otherwise, they’d go crazy!

 

After a while, I finally thought I understood!

Being away from this place and the people here, sounded really great right now! It was like a call from paradise, a sweet, enticing urge to fulfil!

Even having to be a ‘man’ and going to war, sounded so much better than being here!

I know I didn’t know much about what was out there and the depths of what war was, but anything was better than here!

If I was able to leave…

After feeding and cleaning the animal places, like the stable and some pens, I then moved on to harvesting crops once again. I was dirty and smelled, my boots had mud on them and my hair was knotted. My fabric from my mask was sticking to my face because of my sweat and I was hurting nearly everywhere because of how extra hard I had worked and how normally weak I was.

Before I knew it, it was afternoon and I was suddenly called in to see Lord Billings…

I would much prefer to work, instead of going there…

But…As a slave, this was an order, I had no other choice…

And that was my mind, as I walked towards the study, as I walked towards my father…

 

 

“Did you really write this!” My father yelled at me.

I had only just walked into the study when this yell made me flinch and bow my head further.

Not only was my father and I in the room, Lady Billings and Mister Mason was there too.

“Father, it’s the perfect opportunity, I think our sister did well in coming up with this idea!”

Mister Mason’s words only made me want to leave faster!

He had never called me his sister! He had never thought well of me in any way other then a slave, and now he was stating that I should take his place, even though he was the man!?

Yes, I figured this out. I remembered what that letter had written. ‘I would like to replace my brother’…

It all made incredible sense to me now, that he was here! I was their scapegoat, just like the steward that was blamed for gambolling!

If the ages of the war didn’t include the ages of twelve, they probably would never had thought of me…But, obviously, it was something that had gone into their advantage!

“Did you write this!? Tell me!”

My father’s yell made me look at him and blink.

I didn’t write it…What do I do?

Looking at Lady Billings, she gave me a quick stern look and nod and I nodded at my father.

“Don’t look at her! I asked you a question! If you say yes, I can’t help you Malory!”

My father was worried, he was vexed to a point that he didn’t know what he would do if he found out the truth. He knew that his wife hated Malory, he knew that this was probably a set up…But even if it was, what could he do!?

I nodded once again…Giving him no hope to save me…

 

“If you didn’t write this, I can just rip it up and pretend it never existed…Now, did you really mean this?”

Looking up at my father, I firmly nodded.

I wanted to leave! I never want to come back!

Because I felt this way, my nod looked as though I was the only one that knew and had done this letter…

“As you see, my Lord, I have played no part in this! I demand an apology! And, as for you…”

I bowed my head to Lady Billings, hoping that nothing bad will happen, even though it was her who had made me sign that letter.

“I will punish her.”

“No!”

My father, I could hear his anger, but I didn’t understand it. I didn’t know why he’d want me to stay here in this hell. Why was he angry that I now had a chance to leave!? Or…Was he angry that it wasn’t Lady Billings fault?

I really wasn’t sure what was going on…

“Since it’s settled, I’ll continue with seeing teacher Mills.” Mister Mason said leisurely.

“Everybody leave! Malory…You stay!” My father angrily stated.

I stood there, desperately trying to calm myself down. At first, my attention was about the letter, but now I was remembering my mother and how these people had been treating me.

I felt the rage start to boil inside of me and it gave me even more reason to want to leave this dreadful place.

I hated it here!

I was going to lie and state that letter was entirely mine! I wrote it! I signed it and I want to leave! I can’t wait to leave!

 

As the others were leaving, Lady Billings had stopped beside me on her way passed before continuing. I don’t know if she wanted me to see her face or not, but I continued to lower my head and never found out.

The door shut behind them and I heard footsteps of my father, as he came closer to me.

“My child, if you are feeling ill at ease, you can speak the truth now. Tell me honestly, did you write the letter?”

His voice wasn’t angry anymore, it was hopeful…I wondered why for a small brief moment…

But I still nodded my head.

“Malory!”

I heard him move about and then a bang made me jump slightly, as he had hit the desk.

“It doesn’t matter, I can’t let you go!”

After he said these words, I heard a ripping sound and looked up.

I ran over and stopped him, even though the paper was already ruined.

I put all the pieces together and put them back into his hands and then put my hands together in a prayer and looked at him with wide eyes.

I nodded at him and then pointed to the sheet, nodding and putting my hands together once again.

His eyes stared at me and then he shook his head, walking to the fire and threw the paper into fire place!

 

I ran to the fire place and tried to get at the pieces of paper, but my father stopped me, “Stop it! Stop it!”

He continued to hold my hands and I looked at him, he had his head lowered and I felt him pat my hands softly. “I have been a bad father for you…But let me be a father now…I can’t let you go!”

I pulled my hands from him and put them back together again in prayer…Please!

My father looked down at me and I saw that his eyes were watery…

I stopped…My mind went blank…

Why? Why do you look like you’re going to cry!?

He let out a little whimper and took me into his embrace, “I’m so sorry, my child!”

…What was he sorry about? He had said this three times to me now. Once when I was being bullied because I didn’t talk, and he had told the others to leave me alone. The next time was just earlier this morning and now…

Why was he sorry!? Why is it that the most words I’ve ever heard from my father was, ‘I’m so sorry’?

He had shown me he doesn’t care about me, but what would someone who doesn’t care about me say sorry for?

Because of my silent questions, I couldn’t help but stiffen up in his arms and not move.

 

The warmth of his embrace and his words made me want to cry again and I hated it!

I felt suffocated here, I was dying here! Inside and out, I was dying!

Closing my eyes and clenching my hands, I put in a lot of effort to stop letting a tear escape.

I will not cry!

When he let me go, to slowly pull back, I got up and got a piece of paper, ink and a brush and started to write another letter.

He got up and saw what I was doing, taking the piece of paper away from me and throwing that too into the fire place.

As I had started for the third time, he took away the brush and then took my hands in his, “You’ll die! Malory, war is not a good place. I don’t want you to die!”

He shook me with his words, and I felt my world shaking.

I had started to really like the idea of leaving and I didn’t want it to slip away!

He stopped shaking me and I sighed.

I picked up the brush once again and then wrote, ‘If you don’t want me to die, please let me go.’

I heard his sharp intake of breath and I placed the brush down.

“What do you mean? How can you die here, where there is no war!?”

I pulled up both of my sleeves, showing how skinny they were and there was even an old bruise that could still be seen.

I pulled up my mask, showing him of what his own wife had done to me.

I then went to pull up my underclothed pants, to show him my legs, but he stopped me and said, “Stop it! Oh…My child! How are you like this!? Why!? What if I personally take care of you…”

Letting out a frown, I shook my head. I didn’t like the idea of constantly being with him.

But I didn’t expect him to shake his head as well…

 

It sort of made me angry, that he shook his head after saying he thought of taking care of me.

He must have changed his mind.

Why would he want me after all these years anyway?

I didn’t think that I would be upset, but I was, I was upset that even now…He still didn’t want to look after me.

“No, I can’t even do that!”

Silence filled the room once more, as I stared outside the window near the desk. I didn’t want to look at him, and I didn’t know what else to do.

All of a sudden, I felt extra lonely at this moment.

The world felt like it was falling apart, my sadness took a turn for the worst and I suddenly felt like I might have the courage to end my life now. Who cares about my mother’s belongings…Who cares if I don’t know why my mother had been a slave, even though she had the Lord’s child…

Nothing seemed to matter anymore, there was nothing holding me to stay.

Not even the memories of my mother were enough, nothing…The emptiness seemed to be the vortex, it was a vortex of nothing, and all this time I had been getting sucked into it and it was like suddenly, I had let go and got completely submerged into it…

Now that I felt like I was in the black vortex, I felt like it was spinning out of control…The small light that had been there had already completely vanished and I couldn’t help but feel like my life was already over now.

My hope of leaving was dashed. I never knew how much I had looked forward to it until now.

Now it disappeared like a puff of smoke and I was lost once again in the completely dark vortex, swarming full of my sorrows, swallowing me up whole.

…Seeing an envelope opener by the desk, I picked it up.

 

Strengthening my grip upon it, I go to savagely put it into my wrist, but found myself getting stopped…

Before I knew it, I’d lost the envelope opener and my father was yelling at me, but I wasn’t too sure what he was saying.

I didn’t have anything left to show him, I just looked at him, or was I seeing past him…I honestly don’t know…

My lip trembled, and my eyes got watery once again. I was so sick of this!

So sick and tired…

Then I was put into his embrace again, not really sure on what was going on.

I don’t know how long past, while I stiffly stood there in his arms, but the darkness slowly made its way into the room…Just like the darkness swallowing my heart…

I think I heard my father mumbling or crying, or possibly both, but I felt like I was just in some kind of nether world or something.

Not caring about anything, my eyes were dulled, and my face showed no sign of happiness at all.

I had no idea the effects of what my behaviour was doing to my father, but suddenly, he kneeled down and cuddled his head into my very small stomach.

After what felt like hours, he pulled back and I finally heard his words, “If it will keep you alive, then I have no choice.”

He let out another sob after that, “I should have looked after you better, I should have, with or without my wife’s consent. Seeing you like this breaks my heart…”

He had never thought my circumstances were this extreme. At first, he thought I was acting, bluffing my way for getting what I wanted.

But, seeing my weak body, dead eyes and that I had even tried to kill myself right in front of him, it was just too much…

His wife was too much!

This sweet daughter of his was innocent, she was the flesh of the only woman he’d ever loved!

He’s already gone through so much, unable to change his beloved daughter’s situation! If his wife hadn’t threatened to kill, he would have never stayed away! The only thing he had done all these years was look at a distance, to see this daughter of his grow without him. He could not touch, he could only yearn for her in his heart, just like he yearned for his beloved Sarasa. For twelve years, a constant threat had been looming on his shoulders, twelve years he had to stay away! All these years, he fought his wants to reach out to both mother and daughter, because he didn’t want them to get killed! He had never, ever in his life, had so much trouble before! He knew that he had troubles coming to terms with his wife’s harsh threat, knowing his job would be a lot better now if he had just let go of the two treasures, but he hadn’t been able too!

These twelve years had been very long…Very long!

There was no way that he would be able to handle his daughter finishing her life in front of him! There was just no way, after all this time…How could he let that happen!?

“If this is what I can do for you, then…I will let you go. But…You must take care! You are not to die! You are not to let anyone know you are female! Do you understand!?”

 

I didn’t know that he had to repeat these words for me to hear them. I had been so out of it that I had not heard him the first time at all…

But…When he said them, a very faint light of hope shined, and I grasped it tightly! So very tightly. It was the only small string of hope I had, the only thing that I could use to climb back out of the nothingness of the vortex. I didn’t want to let it go!

I nodded my head down at him, I was going! There was no other path!

He then put his hands gently over the sides of my face and smiled, “That’s better. No more bad things! I never want you to do that again!”

Bad things? Do what again?

My eyes showed my questions, as he sighed and said, “Suicide. You can’t do that like your mother. Don’t leave me like she did, alright?”

I let out a short huff, remembering how my mother really died and a tear escaped.

My father didn’t even know!?

…He didn’t know!

I wanted to yell at him, yell at him that she was murdered by his wife!

How did he believe that she had suicided!?

I didn’t understand why he didn’t know the truth!

Through my thoughts, anger and rage was beginning to seep out and there was just no way I could stop it!

How could my mother suicide!? She wouldn’t have left me like that!

She had to go through gruelling torture, and I had to watch!

I had to watch my mother screaming to pure agony for hours! I saw her blood dripping to the floor! I saw her take her last breaths, unable to hold on for too much longer! I dream about it so much that I can’t forget it!

Are you saying that she suicided!?

Angrily getting a brush, I wrote done some more words, ‘I watched her get murdered by your wife!’

I heard a noise and looked back to see his unbelievable face as he had hit the wall behind him and slide down it. “No…”

Even though he wasn’t there to read what I wrote anymore, I left another few short words, ‘I will only do as you say if you let me go!’

After that, I put the brush down and left, not looking back at all.

I know now that my father may not have been as bad as I thought, because he didn’t even know the truth about my mother, but he still wasn’t someone I loved or even someone that I liked at the moment. There was still no reason for me to stay!

All I had to do now was wait for Lady Billings to call for me and hopefully I could leave very soon!

 

***

 

Again, it was in the middle of the night when I was secretly taken to Lady Billings place.

I bowed my head and she was silently sitting there at a side table.

“You are so lucky that you have a position to save my son from going to war!”

After she said these words, she got up and before I knew anything, she slapped me very hard!

I fell onto the floor and stayed there, slowly putting a hand to my cheek.

“That is what my husband did to me because of you! I told you not to tell him!”

She then kicked me, and I finally realized my mistake!

I finally realized what I had done!

Why had I told father, when I knew Lady Billings was this type of person!?

Was I not scared anymore, or had I not been scared then for some reason!?

Had I lost something inside of me now because of what has happened in the last 24 hours!?

I didn’t retaliate at all to her beatings, I just curled up and let out a few grunts to the pain of several kicks to my body.

“You lowly little brat! You deserve to die! I always wanted you to die, just like your mother! You have barbarian blood in you, you and your mother needed to be hanged over ten years ago! How dare she seduce my husband, how dare she have his child! I demand that you die in the war! I demand that you never return to the Billings residence!”

 

I started to shake uncontrollable to her words and attacks.

Not only was I now unable to get up, so that I could leave, but I was having trouble understanding what she had just said.

But…I’m sure I heard it right…Barbarian…

My mother…Was a Barbarian?

Barbarians had attacked this country over ten years ago…And my mother…Was perhaps, one of them…

Is that…The reason why I am treated like this!? Because I have barbarian blood in me?

Snapping out of my thoughts, I found myself being dragged back to the slave’s quarters.

I didn’t have the strength to lift myself up from the ground, so the stones would sometimes hurt me and made me grinch to the pain.

My father needs to let me go! I need to get out of here!

They were my last thoughts before I slipped into the blackness that felt like it was winning over me in every aspect…