Chapter 216. Valentine’s Day: Afternoon. (2/7)

When I walked past her, I was suddenly stopped by a hand on my shoulder.

“Wait.”

“What?”

“To apologize for rudely bumping into me since you’re already done your own shopping, help me pick out something good to give the guy I like for Valentine’s Day.”

“Hah? Me, apologize to you? You should be the one apologizing for bumping into me. If you were watching where you were going yourself, then you wouldn’t have bumped into me. Maybe wipe off some of that thick eyeliner of yours and you’ll be able to see where you’re going.”

“What the hell? You’re the one who’s got your eyes glued to the ground like a creep, try looking up at what’s in front of you for a change and this wouldn’t have happened. But anyway, I didn’t bump into you, you’re the one who bumped into me. Hence, you should be the one to apologize.”

“I sincerely apologize that your mother dropped you on your head as a baby.”

Enraged, she hooked her right arm over my neck and put me into a headlock to choke me out.

“This is assault, I’ll sue! I’ll seriously sue you, you crazy goth chick!”

I tugged at her arm trying to pull it away, but with how slender they were and close to my neck, it was hard to slip my fingers under her arm to gain enough leverage to pry it off.

I was placed in an inconvenient position as her chest through her jacket had squished up against my cheek. The only gap I could take advantage of to break free from her headlock was in that region. I opted to not slide my hand through the gap though to avoid being tagged as some sort of lecherous pervert in public.

“Hah! Try suing me, I dare you. I’m still in high school, I’d love to see how that case plays out. In the worst case, I’d just get a small slap on the wrist and be told to not let it happen again. And like you said before, fuck the establishment.”

“Let go of me already.”

“No. Since you’ve made me really mad with your little comment, I won’t let you go unless you help me find something for the guy I like.”

“How the hell would I know what he would want? I don’t even know the guy.”

“But you’re a guy, you’d at least have an idea of whether a guy might like something.”

“Every guy is different. What they’re going to like will depend on their personality, hobbies, and interests. Do you really think that someone like me in any way resembles your student council president?”

“Please don’t ever ask such an appalling question again. You’re not even close. A lame guy like you would lose to him 100 times out of 100.”

“If that’s the case then I naturally wouldn’t be any help.”

“It can’t be helped, there isn’t anyone I can ask.”

“Just ask one of your weird goth friends.”

“I don’t have any friends like that who I can ask.”

“You have no friends? Isn’t that a bit too sad?”

“I have friends you idiot, just not goth friends. All my friends at school are pretty normal.”

“Also, I don’t want to hear about having no friends from an unpleasant guy who looks like he’s never had a single friend in his life.”

“Tsk. Whatever, just let me go, I won’t be of any help.”

“You have two choices, you obediently come along with me, or I drag you around everywhere in a headlock.”

“Oh? You think I won’t call your bluff? Do it, I dare you.”

She really did as she said she would without the slightest hesitation. There were a bunch of observers in the mall who saw the strange sight l and discreetly pointed at us while they whispered back and forth.

I suddenly realized how naive I’d been. She dressed in such an eye-catching manner, what did she care what others thought of her when her appearance was already like this? In fact, she was probably long used to such stares. They did zero psychological damage to her.

“Okay, I get it. I’ll help you without resisting, so release me.”

“Oh? Now you want to give in? Well too bad for you, you already decided to do things the hard way.” She sneered at me derisively when I tried to raise the white flag.

“You can’t seriously intend to keep me in a headlock until you find something.”

“I will since it will motivate you to find something good faster so you can free yourself from this situation.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Sucks to be you, you reap what you sow. If you’d obediently cooperated from the beginning, you wouldn’t be in this situation now.”

After that, I was dragged around from store to store with her. Wherever we went together, we attracted odd looks at every store we went to. She was unphased, but it slowly chipped away at my sanity.

“Hey, what sort of person is the guy you like?” To get this over with I needed information so I probed her.

“Oh? You’re finally getting serious about this?”

“Yeah, so hurry up and tell me about this ‘Mr. Right’ of yours.”

“Well, he’s got short blond hair and green eyes. He’s six feet, four inches tall, two heads taller than me. If I want to kiss him I’d have to tiptoe even with these thick heeled boots on.”

“I don’t give a shit about his physical features. What does he like to do, dumbass?”

“Huh? What does he like to do?”

“Yeah.”

“He likes to work hard.”

“What the hell? That’s it? That’s all you’ve got?”

“Well… I mean… I don’t know much about what he especially likes. I just know about the things he does.”

“Tsk. Haaaah. If you don’t know what he specifically likes to do, what are the things he does? Is he involved in any sports?”

“Oh! Yeah, yeah! Of course he is. He looks super cool when he’s playing basketball, soccer, volleyball, and ice hockey. Oh yeah, he’s also on the track and field team as well. He’s like really good at pretty much any sport, you know. He’s super athletic, cool, and dreamy. He’s even been a regular on our high school sports teams since he was in his first year. He usually ends up as the captain that leads his team to victory. Oh, but he’s not dumb either, he’s also super smart, in the top 5% of the third-years for academics. He also both volunteers at a hospital and as a tutor for kids with special needs in his spare time on the weekends.”

Who in the hell is this ungodly superhuman freak of nature? Isn’t he too amazing? I wanted to cough up blood listening to her. I felt exhausted just from hearing about this freak of nature who knew not of the troubles of pitiful staminaless guys like me.

If this guy also had a job on top of all that he does, I’d be convinced he wasn’t mortal. Did God make a mistake when he made this no life try hard? He must have set his endurance stat too high by mistake.

“Just to make sure, this guy doesn’t also have a job on top of all that, does he?”

“Why would he need a job? His father is a doctor while his mother is a lawyer. His family is loaded.”

I’d like to file a formal complaint with God. Screw this guy. I could already tell I hated this guy with a passion without even meeting him.

“He’s also super nice and kind. A very gentle guy who all the girls in school are head over heels for and adore.”

I wonder if I can contract Rosa’s father or mother to assassinate this man. No, I don’t have that kind of money. 

“I understand. I know exactly what this dumbass guy you like needs more than anything.”

“I’ll ignore your rude comment since you’re just jealous of how amazing he is. So, what did you think of?”

I took out my phone and searched online. When I found what I’d thought of I showed her.

“A… muscle massage gun?”

“Yeah.”

“Why would he like something like that?”

“Are you stupid? With how busy this man sounds, I can only imagine how cramped up his muscles get. Just listening to you talk about him makes my own muscles want to shrivel up and die from the thought of how physically exhausting it sounds to be him.”