I woke up. Reach for my cell phone. it’s 10:24 in the morning. I let out a big sigh and facepalm my pillow. I reach for my medication, I take a few things I suppose, one pill that helps the skin stay perfect which also lowers the quality of hair below the shoulders, saves a lot of time if you're like me and don't want a hair on your body. Also one pill to increase the quality of hair on the top of the head, 

I am super obsessed with my looks, and my doctor at the women’s clinic let’s me experiment with these things as long as I leave blood samples yearly and report on my mood. Also my Daily dose of antidepressants, which boosts dopamine, and some xanax to just take the edge off. Put em all in my hand and just swallow it all together with a bottle of water. Tv is off. black screen with the “no connection detected” showing at the foot of the bed, the logo slowly moving around as slow as i usually am before my coffee. At this point I'm still lying with the sheet covering my legs, I got all the “start the day pills” in a pile that’s arranged as good as the weather usually is around this time of year in sweden, which would be chaos. In the, cough, “well arranged pile,” cough..

there’s everything i might need if i don't wanna get up. Some morphine, xanax, Paracetamol, Celebra and all the above mentioned stuff, also got about 4 different toys, a nintendo ds with 3 pokemon games and my favorite zelda game, ocarina of time, also a roll of paper and a notepad with pen plus a trash can. Well, not a trash can as much as a plastic bag thrown in the corner. 

I throw off the sheet. it’s cold. I reach for my knee socks and my hoodie. Put it on slowly while mumbling for myself 

“fuck my life. hate the fucking morning.”

I slide over to the edge, and get up, dressed in my blue hoodie, black knee socks and some very comfy but idiotically short black and white workout shorts. Sometimes I wonder why I use these things, but, to be honest they are comfortable and I do look good in them. I glance at myself in the mirror on my way out towards the kitchen. turn sideways. strain my ass.

“Well, at least the body’s looking well still.”

Kind of got that hourglass figure. with a measurement of 110 around the boobs and 110 around the ass with a waist at 79. It is a lot of work though to maintain. With laxatives i can get the waist below 75 even.

I move out to the kitchen and go directly to start the coffee maker first thing i do, mumbling to myself again 

"fuck my life.. The one thing I want I can’t have it.. Maybe death is easy.” I look at my cat eating from his bowl. I lean down and pet him.

“Eh. We're a diseased fucking spieces, and we'll always be, right kitty?"

He just looks at me tired. then lie down in the middle of the doorway into the kitchen to sleep. 

I stand up, I yawn, stretching my arms out, making a squeaky noise as I usually do when I stretch. Then I also start the water boiler, a pink machine that just boils water super quickly. Damn handy for tea making. Put a bag of black chai in a cup, grab some lemon concentrate from the fridge and pour some in with a pinch of sugar. 

The noise of the water boiler and the coffeemaker doing their work, the signal the day has begun.

I make some instant noodles on the stove, which usually syncs up perfect with the wait for tea and coffee. 

While I wait for those things I take my hormones which I have to take daily, estrogen. Since I’ve had cancer several times on all the inside lady parts. 

So we, my surgeon and I, decided to remove it all. So far it hasn’t come back since, which is good I suppose. It's a bit depressing. To lose a part of you at the age of 30. But there are a few perks that are quite awesome if you don't care about children much, no more bleeding, no more risk of pregnancy which has been a huge fear of mine. Would never wanna destroy my looks that way. But that’s my thoughts on it. 

All the while thinking "why the fuck isn't he here. I just wanna get tied up.. Feel the rope and get a flight away from reality for a while in a pleasurable way..".. I sigh deeply. The water boiler does its clicking noise indicating that it's done. I get up, pour the water into the prepared cup. 

turn off the stove, Pour the noodles into a bowl and stir around the spices. 

" no way I'm dying as long as there's any hope I can get to experience that bliss again.. Just.. Tied up by.. Touched all over, helpless to stop it, but touched with love.."

 

I pour coffee into a thermo mug, a black one. Used so much it's almost completely broken down, like a run down house or something that should just be demolished to put up something new. But I love that mug and i’ll probably use it until the day it can't serve its purpose. 

I sigh at myself, try to shake the thoughts off and go place the coffee, tea and noodles by the PC table. ( I got my pc by a table in front of the sofa in the living room. with the “tv” behind the screen, just high enough so its above my pc monitor.)

I go by the window.

looking outside. It's damp, foggy and raining lightly. The weather is awful and unpleasant simply. 

"fuck this crap". I go back to the table, sit down on the sofa in front of the pc display. Boot up the xbox by the big screen I got behind, 50" I usually run a show on or just a music playlist. But now I'm putting on californication and rewatching it while I eat my breakfast. 

Also booting up discord, a voice communication program most people use to communicate either through text of voice. open up both reddit and YouTube to see if there's any news on games or shows. I eat an oxy and wash it down with my tea. Eat my breakfast and slowly finish the coffee while watching my show and reading. 

Everything has been shut down due to a pandemic going around, so no social gatherings are allowed. And as depressing as that sounds that's how depressing the weather's been, even though I don't care much for social gatherings. Or being outside for that matter. 

I actually hate people in general. They talk shit, make up rumours and can generally not be trusted. Those kinds of people are usually quite sad people though. Either it's no self-esteem so they goto push someone else down or make them uglier somehow or it's that they just have no life of their own, nothing to live for. If you'd kill them off, all you'd notice would be a decrease in shit being talked around town. 

I look up into the ceiling. Thinking about Shibari, the art of rope, tying up a person in the correct way so to speak, putting pressure but not actually harming. 

"would love that.. Just being tied up by him as we’ve talked about.." I say as I swapped to a website to look at some educational videos about different ties and knots. 

"just get all aroused just thinking about it." mmm… I make a moaning sound without realising and bite my lip. "mmm.. That'd be a dream to do that.. it was so long ago last time i did anything like it.." 

I eat another xanax to take the edge off some more and slap myself. 

"let it go for now Nana. For fucks sake.”

The leaves has started to change colour, it always look fucking depressing outside with the typical Swedish weather and it's cold enough that I always put on my extra warm clothes in the morning first thing when I wake up, or just take some oxy to get some warmth from that. I used to call winter the Opiate months before, hate the cold. 

The apartment I live in is a real old shit built building with basically no isolation, which means It's almost the same celsius inside as outside all year round and you can easily hear everything any neighbours talk about unless you have the TV running 24/7. 

I had an interview for a position where I would’ve been doing IT work Mostly manage a homepage for a museum and be a pretty face in the reception, they always like to put a girl in front I suppose, and being a woman in IT makes it easier usually, but with the pandemic no one's hiring basicly, so of course they canceled the interview. 

But yeah, it was not a dream job though I do love working with computers in different ways, not so much the social part, but I can fake a smile a tiny moment in a reception I thought. 

After being done with my usual breakfast and TV break, I do my workout routine as usual, do my skincare routine, and go sit by the PC again. 

There’s this guy I've been chatting with for about a year or two now. We talk about anything from the games we play to all the kinks we’ve been thinking off. We talk during the day through the Internet, play some games together to make the time go by. But surely he lives nowhere near me i’ve always thought, he’s just someone I can talk about anything with. We can write out our fantasies and what we like. I can be myself with him. I just feel amazing when I talk with him. 

But we do have fun playing games and chatting about everything between the sky and the earth. We usually play all kinds of different mmorpgs and rpgs together, love that kinda progress system and to do it together, competing sometimes to be the best, or die trying haha. And well, we’ve done well in quite a few games. Even reached top 10 Europe together in some. But as we shoot down psychos, blow up giant bosses for loot and chat about builds to do in the fields of borderlands or explore the different continents and clear achievements in the world of warcraft universe I can't help but think about sex constantly, it's just been too long. I mute myself and cry a little now and then. I just want a partner, by my side. 

But we don't go into the subject much, partners, we just grind our loot and progress in the games. 

The time flies away and before we know it its dark outside and we take turns yawning. 

I've almost downed my probably 5th cup of tea for the day, usually chai then I go for kamomill towards the evening to ramp down. 

We say goodnight and bye for now. Log off, shut down. 

Back in my loneliness. 

I take a few oxascand, a xanax and a few sleeping pills and swallow it with the last tea left in my cup. I look at the roof. 

”Done for the day”.. I let out a big sigh.. A tad depressed, but still happy with myself for doing something to keep me occupied. And at least I keep working out, so that’s good. Successfully kept a strict training schedule for months now. I go take a shower and do my skincare routine for the night, lotion top to toes and tretinoin for the anti age with a night cream on top. Brush my teeth. While doing all that I think.. 

”if only he could be with me maybe.. he understands me..”.. I look in the mirror.. I hear my phone buzz but pay it no attention. A pm (short for private message) on discord. I get quite dazed, the pills are kicking in. 

”I hate myself. I just want to have him now... To feel something. To get a break damnit..” 

a tear goes down my cheek. 

”I want to feel attractive again… loved… get a damn release and feel some pain, pleasure and relief again.. The security of having someone.. He’d be perfect if only he lived closeby” i think… I slap myself. ”get it together Nana”

I would be okay with dying. But, it seems like a waste as long as a future I might want could happen. I’m no social person, I hate people in general. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want love. For some reason, bdsm has been the only real release for me. But finding someone that understands the love and care and understanding there has to be for bdsm to work, that’s a rare sight. The good doms ain’t growing on trees. And you can’t just throw yourself and try it with just anyone, that’d be asking for trouble. It has to be a person that understands that it's all about pleasing your partner. Even though they call me a slave, they still do the things I want and never force me to do anything I don’t want, even though it might look like that’s what’s happening to an outsider, that’s all wrong. That’s not what bdsm is about. It's all about trust, caring and pleasure. Giving each other a release. A flight from the real world. Its all mutual pleasure really. 

I walk over to the bed and throw myself on it. Put on a stand up show on Netflix for some background noise to fall asleep too, and drown out the neighbours talking, forgetting the text.

take another sleep pill and swallow it down with water in a bottle next to my bed. 

”at least dreamland is wonderful.. ” I check my phone. It’s from him!

“I’ve just, never thought of asking… but.. Where do you live Nana?”

Huh, weird, I thought to myself. We haven’t really asked or told each other that. 

“Sweden” I write, with the name of my town. Then I lay my head down into my pillow and fall asleep.