Chapter 21: And Her Eyes Open
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I feel my neck crack; spit goosefeather out of my mouth.  I'm blinking and aching, I feel hungover, and there's a beam of hot light hitting my face. 

I slowly roll over and pull a thin blanket off me. 

Shapes are moving in the dim dusty light above.

"Ah, you're awake. I was starting to become worried," I hear, from a familiar and pleasant baritone.

I groan, running my hands down my burning hot face.  God, I can only remember scattered images, like that pink moth thing and the baths...

Great.

I try to ask if it's Hikaru there and instead mumble "hkru?" and my attempted sigh turns into a pained moan.

"Take a moment," says another, higher voice, alto brass to Hikaru's cello. "You were out of it for a while. Do you need water?"

I need water. 

Ace helps prop me up and I shiver as her hand cradles my head. I take the offered glass and down it in one long draught.

My consciousness sharpens.  I sit up straighter on the thin bedroll, hold out the glass again and look up at Ace's worried face as she refills it and tries to smile. 

"...How long was I out?" I ask. And then, I add, "Uh... is, is there food?" 

I've gotten like this before and hunger really adds fuzz to my brain.  Well, more and more pernicious fuzz than still being a goddamn foxgirl punchcleric does.

"Two nights, one day," Hikaru answers, closing his book with a dull resonant thud. "You're on the good ship Leon del Aurora, bound for Viacruz at all speed with a hull full of silver, rum and Adventurers."

"And cannons," Ace adds, a grim satisfaction in her voice, as she places some kind of brown wafer where I can reach it.

I take it, eating a bite.

I regret it. It apparently got softened by frying in bacon lard and it's otherwise bland, mealy, extruded calorie product.

I keep eating.

"And the PC pirates?" I ask, after swallowing.

"Some captured, some fled." Hikaru pauses, then sighs. "One dead. Hopefully not permanently."

"At this point, I wouldn't lose sleep over it," Ace mutters.

Neither did I, apparently. I munch my hardtack. 

"And Strawberry Short-Fuse?" I ask.

Hikaru hesitates.

"Out with it," I sigh.

"Was retrieved by the ones that escaped, while we were doing much the same for you," Hikaru says. "Which was not your fault."

"Bullshit," I say, sighing, leaning over and curling up, the sheets falling away to show my blue underskirt. 

(God, I can touch my tits to my knees like this, that'll never stop getting weird.)

"Bullshit to your bullshit," Ace says, softly. "None of us knew what we getting into."

"Begging your pardon, Ace, but I did know what we were getting into," I say. As softly. Looking at your knees. "I knew we were going to be up against people as powerful as us while we were all tired from fighting, and I talked four angry, cranky people into joining me anyway. And then I literally passed out from it. There's no way to tell this story without making me sound foolish."

"They were assholes who had it coming," Ace snarls.

"And we gave them a fair fight. Instead of, you know, one we could win," I say, and sigh.

Hikaru's eyes flit between me and Ace. His wings, involuntarily, flit as well.

"What I asked you to do wasn't fair," I say, looking straight in Hikaru's eyes as I say it. "I asked you all to bite off more than we could chew, and Hikaru's Vigor 1 ass literally had to pick me up when I fell down. I'm sorry."

Hikaru closes his eyes and puts a hand over his mouth. 

For a long moment, none of us say anything.

"While you're less heavy than perhaps you're used to," Hikaru murmurs, "I... appreciate the apology. And the recognition that we shouldn't get into that habit."

I allow myself to relax and unfold from the tight fetal ball I was in. 

I want to cry, but I'm still very tired.

"Where are my clothes?" I say, after a while. "Clean ones, maybe. Don't want to flash the crew when I go topdecks.  Especially since I'm not really, well. You know."

I indicate my chest.

I thought it would break the ice, clear the tension. It didn't.

"Guess we're all exhausted," I say, and finish my cracker.

Ace and Hikaru exchange a glance.

"What?" I say through crumbs.

Hikaru gets up, shaking his head, and walks for the stairwell to the deck. 

I turn, a little hurt, to Ace. 

"What?" I repeat.

Ace puts her hand on my shoulder and my stupid sensitive skin shivers again at her touch, her proximity. 

I could handle it better with the context of healing her, even if she was half-naked, but now I'm painfully aware of how close she is.

"Hey, Deedee?" she says.

I drop my shoulder, roll it, not sure if I want her to break contact or not. I hear it pop and I wince. 

"Ace?"

"So, uh, Hikaru and I have been talking at your bedside," she says, "and it turns out we have something in common. Besides the three of us being trapped in this hellscape free trial that apparently includes the award winning King Under The Mountain expansion."

That gets a weak chuckle out of me. "What, being Kikaiser nuts?"

"I'm a trans woman, doofus."

I hiss in a breath. 

"Oh," you say.

And then, "I guess the 'this is fake' routine is less funny for people who aren't trying to fool anyone, and - jeez, I'm sorry, I absolutely didn't mean it like that," I say.

"Are you trying to fool anyone?" Ace asks you.

I shudder, full-body, and wince. "I - like, not on purpose, but I'm not..."

"You're not what?" Ace asks, again, softly.

I start breathing, deliberately, two in, hold for two, two out, hold for two...

"I'm not really a..."


Why am I crying?


Why is Ace hugging me?


(I'm much more okay with Ace hugging me than with my crying.)


"Do you want to be?" she asks.

My breath catches. 

"Do I want to be what?" I ask. 

She can't possibly mean -

"Do you want to be a girl, Deedee?"

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