The next day I'm getting ready for work longer than usual, because Jack will meet me after, so...
I comb my hair carefully. I put on the freshest shirt.
We're having our first real date today, aren't we? Or something like that?
We walk the streets for a long time, and I still can't get enough of it. And even more I can't get enough of his voice.
I understand that my feelings are dangerous for myself, I am too attached to Jack. More precisely, I am too much in love with him.
So much that when he walks me home, I take the first step.
“If I kiss you after the first date, will you think less of me?” I ask. Jack laughs kindly.
“I'll think you just really like me.”
I kiss him on the lips, and Jack returns the kiss, hugs me tightly. And when he pulls away, I remain standing in his arms, feeling his warmth.
I don't want to part with him now.
“Do you want to come in?” I ask. But Jack looks at the windows where the lights are on and refuses.
“Will you come tomorrow?”
“Of course I will,” Jack says and kisses me again. His kisses have changed a little. When we were at the farm, he kissed me with greed, persistence, as if he took kisses from me by force, and now he is in no hurry, enjoying the process.
Dating outside is good, but it's pretty cold. And also we can’t kiss each other, hold hands. Jack calls me to his home, but I'm too nervous to go to his apartment. In response, I invite him over.
I don't think I'm ready for more.
I want to, but I'm terribly nervous.
I'm not ready, no...
Although I have a bunch of lubricant and condoms in the bottom drawer of my nightstand... I thought I'd get ready somehow, but I'm too ashamed and I don't know where to start at all. Plus, Brent and I share a room, so there is a little privacy...
Jack promised to come on Saturday. My aunt flew to Florida, so Brent and I were alone. Jack and Brent seem to be ok, I think the evening should be good.
But suddenly Brent is called to work.
“I don’t know when I’ll be back!” he says and leaves. Should I cancel my appointment with Jack then?
But before I can think of anything, the doorbell rings. Jack stands on the threshold with a box in his hands.
“Hi,” I say. Jack walks into the house, glancing around. “So... plans changed. It's just you and me. Aunt went to Florida, and Brent was called to work - some kind of emergency. He said that he didn’t know when he would return.”
“Well, that's okay,” Jack says. “Do you like biscuits?”
What? What biscuits? What is he talking about?
Thoughts and fantasies begin to creep into my head. A glance involuntarily slides down Jack's face...
Damn, I didn’t go to Jack's home because I thought I wasn't ready for more, but now... I don't quite understand myself...
“I'll bring tea then,” I say to hide my excitement.
I bring two mugs of tea, one I hand out to Jack, who is sitting in the living room.
I'm sweating... I can't look at Jack calmly... I can't get rid of my thoughts... but more of my desires. Wasn't I afraid of something there?..
“Listen, Aiden, I can come next time when Brent is home.” Jack puts the mug on a table and gets up.
“What? No! Why?” I say, frightened. Did I offend him in some way?
“Well, you are obviously uncomfortable. I don't know what the reason is. But if it’s because of me, then I’d better go. We'll meet the day after tomorrow or when you are free.”
Jack walks to the door, and I get even more worried. Maybe just tell him?
“Jack, don't go. Stay.”
“Well, I can see that you are uncomfortable.”
“That’s not the point.”
No, I can't say it out loud.
“Do you want to see my room?” I offer hesitantly.
And we go to my room. I can feel my cheeks burning. I still don't believe I'm doing this...
“This is Brent's.” I point to the bed by the window and sit on mine.
Jack sits down next to me so close I can smell him – It's aftershave, deodorant... and himself. I remember this smell.
...ahhhh.... damn... I don't know what to do next. I'm too nervous...
Suddenly Jack takes me by the chin, turns to him and kisses me. I can't hold back my excitement anymore. I hope you have a lot, a lot of work, Brent. Sorry…
I didn't notice how we ended up completely naked on my bed. Jack is in no hurry, but I still think everything is happening very quickly. Probably because this is the first time.
Jack kisses and kisses me all the time, he has already covered my whole body with kisses.
I open the bottom drawer and turn away. Jack understood me then, I think he will understand me now.
I see him smiling and I'm ready to burn with shame, but Jack calms me down, holding me tight.
“Don't be afraid, Aiden,” Jack says. “I will do everything to make you feel good. We don't have to rush.”
And I trust Jack.
First, it's his fingers. He's really in no hurry. Each time he brings me almost to the end, then stops, inserts another finger, and everything starts all over again. I look askance and realize that I will have to accept more than a few fingers... But now I feel good, so it’s not so scary.
Jack makes me stand on all fours, asks me to relax. I'm relaxed as ever. I even have a hard time figuring out where I am. And I feel Jack enter me.
Well... it's definitely more than fingers. At first it hurts, it seems that the pain is throbbing. But Jack doesn't move, he caresses me again. And the pain, although it does not completely go away, becomes already part of the pleasure. It sounds strange, I did not know about this before. Sometimes Jack slows down a little and exhales as if trying to release tension. Sometimes I feel like he's getting bigger, that's when Jack stops.
And then there comes a state in which I stop thinking. Thoughts become fragmentary, and I find the greatest pleasure in this rhythmic repetition. As if I'm lost in it, and it all ends with the point when I stop breathing and cannot move for several seconds. And all this because of pleasure.
I can feel a throbbing and Jack speeds up a little, he also loses the ability to move, I feel his tension and a firm grip on my thigh. He slips out of me, place a kiss on my temple and lies down, closing his eyes. I feel so relaxed, as if I’m plunged into some special kind of dream. And I want to stay in it a little longer...
I wake up on Jack's shoulder, he's still asleep. And I can't help but kiss him. There is twilight outside the window. And I want to fall asleep again... But I remember that this room is not only mine.
I reluctantly get out of bed, take a shower and go downstairs...
And there Brent is reading a book... and I see a faint smile on his face. Did he see something?...
"You ... when did you come back?" I ask as casually as possible.
Brent looks over the book at me and smiles.
I no longer need an answer. What a shame…
And I was afraid to stay in Jack's apartment... This would not have happened there!
It feels like everyone witnessed how I lost my virginity. Meanwhile, Brent says:
“I've made dinner. Want some pasta?”
And he smiles openly, for that I am grateful to him, but still my embarrassment has not gone anywhere.
But I won't act like an idiot. It is what it is.
“Yes… I think,” I say, and go into the bedroom for Jack. He sleeps as if nothing had happened.
I light the lamp and lightly shake Jack's shoulder. When Jack opens his eyes, I tell him:
“Brent has already returned... And he returned a long time ago...”
But Jack doesn't look embarrassed.
“Aiden, he's a grown man, I think he has seen things. Moreover, he did not come in the midst of it.”
Jack smiles contentedly, but I want to hit him for saying that.
“Don't worry,” Jack softens his voice.
“He cooked dinner, and he's waiting for us.” I say.
Jack dresses surprisingly quickly, and we go downstairs.
Why am I the only one feeling so embarrassed ?! Or are they just hiding it well? Or is there really nothing to be embarrassed about?
I don't know yet. But I know that I am happy. In a long time, maybe for the first time in my life. Next to me is my brother, my best friend. And Jack. My... my Jack...