I go through the motions of turning back into Filia. Morphing, getting dressed, checking the mirror and then getting lost in the reflection because I’m pretty. Like a supermodel, pretty. That’s how I know I’m gonna need to recharge soon. I’m not fully woozy yet. I can still walk kind of straight but more than that and I’ll probably be useless. I need to eat before changing again. I stumble out of the bathroom, and I can hear a commotion coming from the courtyard. I need to go around the long way. I break into a sprint and head towards the front door.

A hulking mass of flesh and hypnotic disk corners me before I can make it. A flash of light blinds me, and I wake up at home. A man is screaming upstairs.

“Stop putting these ideas in his head. He needs to man up.”

“I haven’t done anything.” A husky woman's voice argues back.

“I can’t take this anymore. My son is not going to be a--”

The man's voice is cut off by a loud beep and a prerecorded message.

“You may now begin.” What does that mean?!

My eyes blink open. The room around me is empty, it doesn’t look like home. A girl rushes over to me. She seems familiar but I don’t think I know any teenage girls.

“Fi? What were you thinking?”

“Um, who’s Fi? Do I know you?” The girl looks at me in confusion. Something adults tend to do. They don’t get me. The only person who gets me is Ali. Also my voice sounds weird. Did the bright light do something to me?

“Ryan?”

“Yeah. How do you know my name, Miss?”

“Why are you being so polite?”

“You’re older than me. Dad says you need to be polite to those older than you.” And you don't want him to think you aren't being polite.

“Ryan, look at yourself. We are the same age. What’s gotten into you?” She’s right. My body feels really big. Long even. Wait. Am I wearing a dress? Oh. I knew it. I’m a girl!

“I’m a girl!”

“Yes you are.”

“I knew it! I knew I was really a girl. I need to tell Ali! Wait. If I’m big. Does that mean? Oh are you Ali?”

“Ali?”

“Alison. Do you know where she is?”

“How old are you, Ryan?”

“Seven. At least that’s what I remember. I look fully grown now. Why am I still Ryan if I’m a girl?” My brain is working a lot better. I feel like I know more things than I ever have before. Like I know this is likely amnesia. I wonder what caused it. If Ali is here, she probably already knows I’m a girl. I wonder how she reacted. I hope it went well.

“Well usually I call you Filia but you weren’t responding.”

“I like that. Did I choose it?”

“Yes you did.”

“Where’s Alison? Are we still friends?”

“Um, yes. You are. I am not cut out for this.”

“Ryan, Summer, are you two alright?” There’s a boy's voice coming from outside. Summer, that must be the other girl's name. Huh. Other girl. I am a girl. That’s so awesome. I need Ali to see me like this. She would be so impressed and she could be a cool knight, I could be a princess. It's all sorted!

“He’s fine.”

“Why are you calling me he? Am I a girl or not?” Maybe I’m pretending to be a boy for some reason. Like an undercover agent.

“I’ll explain on our way around.”

She walks me around the front of the building. Apparently I’m pretending to be Ryan sometimes. I guess that makes sense. Maybe when I’m at Dad’s place I pretend to be Ryan and at Mum’s I’m me. I apparently was turning back into my true form, at least I assume it is despite some of it’s issues. I can’t imagine what a boy version of me would look like.

“I need you to brace yourself. Your friend is here, but he’s a little different.”

I’m leaning on the girl. What ever made me forget apparently made me a little weak. Apparently it was a monster but I’m not sure if those are real or not. She might just be messing with me. Something probably fell on my head is all. Even if my brain is telling me she's right it seems way too far fetched. More importantly.

“He? Is Ali a boy?”

“His name is Scott now and yeah.”

“I can be his wife!”

“Filia, you are a child!”

“You said I’m eighteen. That means I can get married.”

“You thought you were seven.”

“That's only because that was the last thing I could remember.” I mean it. I haven’t lost my entire memory I don’t think. My brain still has knowledge. I know a lot of things. Like math, science and stuff. Stuff a seven year old wouldn’t know. I know how to cook dinner, and drive. I know what kind of dress I'm wearing and how to do it up. I know basic make up skills. Which likely means my semantic memory is intact, while my episodic memory has been messed with. I know this information, but I'm not sure when or where I learned it. "I can still remember knowledge, and feelings. Like I know I can trust you, but I don't remember why."

"We need to get you to Astrus."

She shows me to an almost empty courtyard. I can't tell which one is Scott.

“More importantly, Scott doesn’t know you are Ryan.”

“Why not? He should have been the first one to know. He was my best friend and I love him.”

“I don’t know. You aren't always the most straight forward person.” It feels wrong. We should be celebrating and ruling the world together. Why would I Iie to him?

“Maybe I should tell him now.”

“You’d kill me later if I let you. Please don’t.”

She points out Scott to me and wow. He grew up exactly like he said he would. He’s like a big strong teddy bear. I can easily imagine him in knight's armour or a pirate costume. I didn’t think it was possible for him to get cooler. Compared to his body, mine is a little less perfect. I was hoping that when I grew up I’d be softer. Someone who looks like they gave the best hugs. Still my current body isn’t bad. I definitely am happy that it’s a girl's body. 

Summer tells me the plan and I only half listen. I do a little twirl and my dress fluffs out. Oh this is amazing. Why would this older me be a girl only some of the time? When she can always be pretty! To hell with what Dad would think! Can’t we just choose not to see him?

She grabs me by the hand and takes me over to the group. Scott is there. Looking at me with a little smile. Just a small one. I might not know much about me, but this is definitely a crush. He’s handsome. And tall. I might not remember how we got to this point but I like it. I like being older, and a woman and Scott being himself.

“Is Ryan okay?” He asks Summer. I’m tempted to tell him I’m fine but Summer squeezes my hand in a way that I think means no.

“I snuck him out the back. Fi saw him go in and wanted to make sure he’s okay. She got in a monster's way and well. She’s like this.”

“Hi.” I mumble. I never really understood the phrase butterflies in your stomach but now. I get it. It feels like a bunch of fluttery little creatures dancing around inside me as I look at the cool guy in front of me. I wonder how long I’ve been a girl for. Have I gone to prom? Or done any of those silly highschool girl things that you see in movies. Did I do any of those things with Scott?

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t remember anything.”

“She can't remember anything after seven years old.”

“We need to take her to Astrus.” He’s worried about me? I wonder if he could carry me. I am feeling a little faint. Maybe if I stumble a bit he’ll catch me. My feet weren’t working properly anyway and I plop right into his chest. Summer rolls her eyes at me and I poke my tongue out. Maybe she’s jealous that he’ll be mine one day.

“My thoughts exactly. Scott, can you carry her? I’ve got her bag.”

“Um, yeah. Sure.” He slides an arm under my legs and I’m a princess. He told me he’d do this for me one day and today is that day. I snuggle into him a little. He’s really warm.

A red light interrupts my moment and my body feels weird. I close my eyes and try to focus on the feeling of his arms around me and when I open them.

“Ay yi yi!”

“A robot!”

“I prefer fully sentient, multifunctional, automaton, thank you very much,” The robot says. Did they just say they are fully sentient? The future is amazing.

“Is this normal these days?”

“No, I am the only one of my kind. Scott, can you hold her steady? I require her to be still to get a good reading.”

“I can certainly try, Kepler.”

“Filia, can you look at me?” Kepler asks. I follow their instructions and they take a photo. I wonder what I look like now. “Can I touch your head?”

“Yeah.” I’m maybe a little too relaxed but Scott wouldn’t let anything bad happen to anyone. That’s the kind of person he is. The little robot hands touched my head a couple of times.

“No head trauma. Symptoms seem consistent with hypnosis. Likely a therapy device from another planet that Dysphorus stole.”

“How do we get her memories back?” Summer asks. I rest my head against Scott’s chest. He really did get strong.

“I’ll need to do some diagnostics. These devices shouldn't cause such an adverse effect. Scott, can you take her to the infirmary?”

“Of course.”

He takes me through tunnels and hallways to what must be the infirmary and much to my dismay lays me down on a bed.

“Does normal me tell you how cool you are, Scott?”

"You sound like my friend when he was little.” He sounds confused. I’m mad that I’m meant to keep it a secret. He should know. He's the first person who should know! “Are you sure you two haven’t met.”

“I wouldn’t know.”

He chuckles. He has a nice laugh. He pulls his wrist up to his face and mumbles something into it. 

“Hey, Summer says you could use some sleep. Want me to get you some blankets?” 

He’s really gentle. I know I should find this patronising, but if he treats people like this when they are sick, one day, when I’m older and my memories are back, marrying him might not be so silly. I wish I could remember what older me was thinking. She’s going to push him away if she’s not careful. I want to tell him about who I am and how I got here, but that's a job for older me to do. She must have her reasons. Scott lays a blanket over me and I drift off to sleep.

“Ryan, you are not a girl. Stop acting like one.” An angry voice yells. Dad. I hope I’m with Mum this week.

I wake up covered head to toe in sweat. I’m in the infirmary that Scott dropped me off at. Kepler is pottering around trying to figure out a problem. Probably how to get my memories back.

“Oh you’re awake.”

“Yeah. What time is it?”

“Almost time for you to go home young lady.”

“Will I have to turn back into a boy?”

“Unfortunately. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s future me’s fault. Who am I with this week?”

“What do you mean, Filia?”

“Am I with Mum or Dad?”

“Filia, you only have a Dad.” Summer says. When did she get here? Oh she’s in the doorway

“That’s not right? How can I only have a Dad?”

“You’ve never talked about your Mum before?” Suddenly everything makes sense. We’re scared. Future me is scared.

“Where’s Mum? I must have talked about her at some point. Scott would know. Please ask him?”

She sends a message on her super phone. A couple of seconds pass and I feel like I should be taking deep breaths. That’s what you're meant to do when you're scared. I don’t want to know what boy me is like. I don’t want to see Dad if it means I can’t be me. I don’t want to see Dad at all.

“He doesn’t remember you having a Mum.”

“That isn’t right. I know her, Summer. She’s the nice one. I can’t go home to Dad.”

“I just got off the phone with him. I explained the situation. He isn’t going to hurt you.” She looks shocked at my reaction. Does no one know about my parents? How does Scott not know? “I’ll come with you. I’ll even stay with you if you need.”

“Summer.”

“He’s worried. Something happened when you were twelve and the monsters scared you. I promise he won’t hurt you.” I can see something different in her eyes. It’s not the tired eye rolls from earlier, or just worry. She looks angry. Really angry. But not at me. “If he tries to hurt you, I have superpowers.”

“You promise you’ll keep me safe.” I’m definitely crying. I’ll need to get rid of that before I see him.

“Cross my heart.”

“Can you show me how to go back to being a boy?” There’s no way he can see me as a girl.

My body is like an ill fitting skin suit. Apparently this is how I usually look. Tall and gangly. Next to Summer I probably look like a mutant. We were two girls earlier and now I’m exactly what Dad said I am. A boy. A man. And not even a good one. Everything feels awful. And changing back? That was just painful. How do I put up with this? If it’s because of Dad, why haven’t I just run away?

“Ryan.” I wince. I like the name I chose so much more. I'm trying to cry now. But my body won't let me!

“My name is Filia.”

“I’m sorry, Fi. I hope your Dad is better than you remember.”

“He won’t be. Not unless he’s a different person. "

She pulls me into a hug and everything feels worse. Am I jealous of her? She gets to be a girl all the time, but I'm…

"It's gonna be okay, Fi."

"It's not. Everything feels gross."

"You probably just need to eat. Your transformation takes up a lot of energy."

"No! That's not it. I'm not meant to be this. I'm a girl."

She pulls away. She looks sad. Worried. Angry. All at the same time. I'm shivering. My breathing won't slow down. How do I usually deal with these feelings? I take a deep breath to try and get control over my body again. Everything stops. The fear, the anger, they are just gone. I just need to think of this body as a fake. A disguise. It's not really me.

"Let's go."

A pink light rips my body apart and reassembles in the park behind my old house. I still live in the same place. That's kind of comforting. She walks me up to the front door. The same house. Eleven years since I remember being here. What's the last thing I remember?

Oh yeah. Dad was yelling at Mum.

"Are you ready?" Summer turns to me. Her fists are clenched. If he hurts me I'll trust that she will protect me. She's my friend.

"I think."

Behind the door I can hear footsteps on the staircase. Summer knocks. The footsteps are lighter than Dad's usual stomping. Maybe he's calmed down since I was little. The door creaks open and I stand behind Filia.

"Ryan, are you okay?" The man at the door looks like he could be my uncle on my Mum's side. He's got short blonde hair, a stocky figure and a little bit of a tummy.

The Dad I remember was thin and tall with greying hair. I grab Summer's arm and back up a little bit. The man looks at me concerned but doesn't say anything.

"That's not my Dad, Summer." I whisper.

"What? This is your house and this guy matches photos and stuff."

"That's not him though!"

"Maybe the hypnosis messed with your brain. I'm sure it's--"

"Summer, was it?" The strange man asks.

"Yes, sir."

"No need to be formal. You're my son's friend, call me Cade."

"Sorry, Cade."

"Come inside you two." He welcomes us both in. "Ryan, your room is where it was when you were younger. Do you think you'll be fine to find it?"

"I think so." I whimper. His presence is comforting but he isn't my Dad.

"Is it okay if you fill me in on what happened, Summer?"

My bedroom was, disappointing, to say the least. Maybe older me is too scared to show her interests on the walls. Maybe she isn't allowed. In the corner, there's a white set of clothes for doing martial arts I think. Am I any good at it? Probably not if I'm like this most of the time. My body is unwieldy in its current state. I'm way too big. Too long. Too everything.

There are monochrome piles of clothes in the corner near my bed. Blue jeans and blue jumpers and blue shirts. Older me has a thing for blue I guess. Maybe I should lay down. Maybe I should see if everything's okay?

"Hey, Ryan. I'm going home. You can message me if you need." Summer says from outside my room.

I poke my head out and wave. Talking would be painful. The less I speak, the less I hear, and the less this man can use against me if he's like my Dad.

I crawl under the covers of my bed. At some point, the strange man drops off some food which I thank him for and eat quietly. Hopefully, my memory will come back soon. Maybe I grew out of wanting to be a girl. I'd like that version of me right now. I really don’t want to be a girl anymore. Under the covers wrapped in a cocoon, I wait for this nightmare to end.