I wake up around noon. Scott's coming over. I should get ready.

Instead I wallow in self pity. Leo and Ziggy know. I probably should have guessed with Ziggy but Leo did a good job of hiding it. I can't keep up this charade much longer. Unfortunately, no matter what I decide, it's going to suck. Summer and Ziggy probably believe I want to stay a girl.  The memoryless versions of me made it clear that I did at some point. On the other hand I can't just become a girl on the whims of a child. They don't get it. They don't know what we gave up to get here.

My communicator vibrates, interrupting my train of thought.

"Hello, Filia." Kepler chirps. 

"What's up, Kepler?" I try not to sound flustered.

"It's about your morpher." My heart sinks, and I berate it for that. I can let go of Filia. No more girl dreams, or being treated like a princess. No more dumb lies. No more tossing up. They've settled the issue for me.

"Have you figured out what's wrong with it?"

"Affirmative. I opened it up while you were asleep yesterday and found no damage! I checked all the links to the grid and there were no messed up wires."

"I'm meant to be going downstairs soon, Kepler can you get to the point?"

"Okay! I wracked my processor all night and talked to Astrus. Good news there is nothing wrong with your morpher!"

"What?" Maybe I'm too loud. "How can there be nothing wrong with it, Kepler?"

"Would you like to come to the command centre? Me and Astrus can explain."

"Scott is coming over tonight. I should be getting ready."

"It shouldn't take more than twenty minutes, Filia."

"It's Ryan." My voice sounds dejected. Shouldn't I be happy? This is the answer I need.

"Do you want us to explain or not?" Even if it might make things worse, I need to take my mind off Scott and the night to come.

"Okay. Do it."

Everything stings as the pink light dissolves my body. Does the teleporter turn us into energy or light? It burns. Everything tingles. My vision clears the bright light retreats and I'm greeted by a familiar robot. 

"Are you alright, Filia?" The little bot is looking down at me. Cool concrete floor presses against my back. 

"Why am I on the ground?"

"We didn't want to morph you in transit and the power didn't seem to like that." 

"What does that mean? How can it not like something?"

A blue light illuminates the room. "The power has its own will," I jump. Astrus' voice booms from behind me. "It's goal is to protect the universe from the forces of evil." I look at the hologram's face.

"And why does it want me to morph?" I'm so tired.

"I do not know, Ryan."

"Can you at least tell me why it's turning me into a girl?" My exhaustion must be obvious in my voice. He looks worried. Why is everyone always worried when talking to me? Do I look that bad? Is it obvious how fucked I am?

"Are you sure you want to know?" He asks softly.

"I need to know. Maybe I can fix it."

"I assumed it was because you fight better in that body. I was correct. The difference between your morphed self and unmorphed self is huge."

"That should be obvious though. When I morph I'm a superhero."

"Well yes, but that isn't what we are seeing. I don't have a lot of other data. Only three rangers have fought as hard as they can while in an incongruent body."

"What do you mean by 'incongruent body'?"

"A body that doesn't line up with them. Like Scott. The difference between before he got his body and after is stark. His unmorphed fighting improved and the disparity between his morphed and unmorphed form is normal now."

"I'm not like him though." Scott is different. He's Scott, he's strong.

"No, you are more like Angelica." Who the hell is he talking about?

"Kepler, can you go get Angelica's old morpher?"

"We haven't finished upgrading it, Astrus. If something goes wrong we might not have a new gold ranger." Kepler sounds worried. 

"Who's Angelica? Why are you getting her morpher?"

"Angelica was the gold ranger."

"What does she have to do with me?"

"We have records of her fights before and after the Gender Vendor incident. Both morphed and unmorphed." 

"So she was--"

"She socially transitioned after the incident when she got stuck in her new body. I will give her and her team a call. See if they can help. In the meantime." Why are they comparing me to trans people? I wanted to be a girl when I was younger. Big deal. I've grown up. I know it won't work. The guy in those nightmares is right. I'm a boy.

"Are you sure about this, Astrus?" Kepler asks.

"It's completely safe for Ryan to try."

"But what if it bonds to her?"

"Then the pink morpher will pick a new ranger and Ryan will keep the gold powers."

"What are you asking me to do?"

"I want you to try using the gold morpher. At worst it won't work. At best, you can keep your body when you morph."

I take the morpher from Kepler's gloved hands. What will they think happened to Filia if she disappears? It shouldn't matter. I can't tell Scott about it anyway. My time as Filia was nice. I was able to hang out with Summer, feel things about other people and just do things. But I can't be a girl, not now. Likely not ever. 

The morpher is icey to the touch. Like it's been sitting in cold storage for years. I know how to activate it, I think.

"Roo Power!" I shout. Thrusting the morpher into the air. Instantly the gizmo clicks and the air is electrified. It burns my hand as glimmering electricity zaps my body into it's new shape. Muscle mass, height, shoulders, it all painfully expands. It's like my body is being kept together by the suit and helmet. My body is undeniably male though. The pain subsides leaving only the uncomfortable pressure, something I can live with. 

"It worked." My voice stays the same. My body is more of a misshapen mess than it's ever been before. I feel stronger. Manlier. I should be ecstatic. But I'm definitely weaker than I was in pink. Maybe it's because this morpher hasn't been updated.

"It did. Congratulations. Now we need to test your capabilities. I need someone for you to spar with, is that okay?" Astrus asks. 

"You said this would only take half an hour." My voice booms out of control, making me jump.

"I didn't plan on testing this." He confesses. "How about I call Scott? That way you won't be late and you can introduce yourself as a new member of the team." I can just be his bro now. Facing him shouldn't embarrass me anymore. The morpher burns, maybe with anticipation.

"Call him. I should test this out."

My stomach feels off, like it's dancing or something. Will he be proud of me? Will he think it's cool that I'm a ranger? Or will he worry? 

"Hey, Astrus, you said there's a new ranger? Can I meet him quickly? I have to meet Ryan soon." I didn't notice him beam in. "Oh nice to meet you?" he holds out his hand for me.

I give him a firm handshake and a good old guy nod. I'll nail this.

"Can you spar with him quickly? We haven't fully tested his suit." Astrus asks. Kepler watches silently from the corner.

"Oh sure!"

He morphs. The red suit compliments his form amazingly, looking down at my suit though it becomes clear it's not meant for me yet. 

We bow to each other and take our stances. I throw a punch first. My body is definitely faster than when I'm not morphed. It's so different from when he used me as his demonstration partner. I'm not scared now. Even if he is much more imposing. If anything I'm excited to show him what I can do. 

I go in for a punch with my left hand and he moves out of the way with ease. I kick him in the side and he blocks it with his arm. I need to focus on his movements as well. His right arm comes to my side, I move my arm to try and block it, but I'm too slow. Why am I slow? I was knocking arrows faster yesterday! I go for a punch with my right, but it's like I'm moving through water and he dodges out of the way with ease. I try to kick him in the leg to get him off balance, I just want to land one hit! He jumps into the air and kicks me in the side. I try to block again. The suit is telling me how to block, I know how to block, but my body doesn't follow the order fast enough. His kick connects, I let out a yelp and fall to my knees. It shouldn't surprise me. He's more skilled than me. Why wouldn't my body move?

"Are you okay?" Scott asks. What happened? Why did his hit hurt so much? My body is starting to heat up. What is wrong with this morpher?

"I'm okay!" I say through gritted teeth.

"Ryan?"

The gold suit flickered. The morpher burns through the spandex and it's fittings. I'm sweating. My muscles burn and ache.

"Yeah?"

"You're gonna be a ranger too!" I was already on the team. The suit flickers again, my knees are shaking. 

"Yeah." The morpher falls off my belt, and the suit disappears. The pieces that move lock up and the colour fades until it looks like a chunk of metal. 

"I'm sorry, Ryan."  Astrus says solemnly. Scott's worried, I can see it in his eyes that he wants to check on me. 

"Astrus, is it okay that he knows I'm a ranger?" Scott asks. He fidgets with his hands.

"Of course." So the only way to be a ranger is by being Fi. If I want to be a ranger, I have to give up being Ryan.

"Hey buddy let me help you up." Finally he moves to offer me a hand. I can't take it. Not now.

"I want to be on the ground."

"Do you still wanna hang out tonight?"

"Just go get ready. They'll send me home." I look at Astrus. Silently pleading with him to send Scott home.

"I will take care of your friend, Scott. He'll be okay."

"Alright." He looks at me with pity as he's beamed away.

"Astrus, that was incredibly irresponsible!" Kepler beeps. "Forcing a morph, making her spar. Ay yi yi!"

"I'm okay, Kepler." I lie. 

"You are not. Your performance was like Angie's and Joanne's. Your girl form outperforms that gold form by a mile."

"Kepler, we can't decide this for him."

"But Astrus, she is denser than Angie! Denser than a neutron star!" The little robot is walking around in circles. They keep switching to she and her for me. I hate it. I failed. I can't keep this double life going, I have to stop being a ranger.

"I'll contact the old team. Maybe Angelica can help."

"What are you two on about?" I still haven't gotten up and they are arguing. I can barely decipher it.

"Filia, you fight better as a girl. The discrepancies between forms match up closely with the performance of your transgender peers." Kepler stops stomping to explain. What the hell does that mean? What does being trans have to do with any of this? No matter how bad I am at being one, I still am a man. I don't want to be an outcast. I don't want to be away from Scott again. "We have extra Clownfish Orange we can--" 

"That is enough Kepler!" Astrus barks. He's angrier than I've seen him. His hologram eyebrows create wrinkles on his face. 

"But Astrus!"

"I need to speak to Ryan alone."

The robot stomps up to the inert morpher, picks it up and walks away in a huff. Their robot feet clang against the cement.

Astrus' expression softens. "My apologies. She is worried about you."

"She?"

"She, Kepler. She's a girl today."

"I didn't know."

"Ask her about it later. Are you okay with staying on the team? As a girl." 

"I can't." I agreed back then because I wanted to help people. Can I even do that? I saved those girls yesterday, but only after becoming a liability again. 

"Do you need to talk about it?"

"No! I need to stop pretending to be someone I'm not. I can't do this, I'm not a hero, Astrus." My eyes sting.

"You could just tell Scott who you are. None of the others minded, why would he be different?"

"I can't do that, Astrus."

"Why not?"

"Because I'd mess everything up. I wouldn't be able to be just friends with him anymore. There'd be expectations." The hologram listens quietly as I rant. "It's not like Filia would be fine either. She'd inherit all my issues. She'd have to re-enroll, come out and hope people don't cut her off. It would be better if she just disappeared."

"Your friends would disagree. What would Summer think?"

"She'd get it. She knows that pretending to be someone I'm not is unsustainable."

"I agree. You need to think about whether you are yourself as Ryan. Kepler had a point, Filia is happier, more outgoing and able to express herself."

"She's allowed to be those things. She's a girl." I argue. "She doesn't have to live with the consequences like I do."

"If there was a button that completely replaced Ryan with Filia, would you press it?"

"What?"

"Let us say a space wizard offered to replace Ryan with Filia in everyone's memories, would you take that space wizard up on his offer?"

"You can do that?" I sound too eager. Damn it. 

"Filia. I think it's time you accept that you can't keep pretending to be Ryan." 

"I'm not sure I can keep being a ranger." My voice is shaky.

"Very well, please keep your morpher with you for emergencies, at least until a replacement can be found. Be safe," Astrus says.