"I wonder who our next member is going to be... " Said a white-haired girl.
"I... don't know... " Said a blonde girl with uncertain on her voice and a bit of curiosity
"Well... I just hope She is not a little girl... " Said Jalter with an uncertain voice...
"What? Why does it sound like I'm only going to summon a female ? And what's with the little girls? " Does Jeanne don't like them? I was thinking about summoning Lily in the future to complete the Jeanne family but...
It can't be right? They had a good relationship with Her...
"Would you ever like to summon a guy?..." That smile says everything...
She got me...
"... " Am I that easy to read? even Jeanne is evading my eyes...
"As for the little girls... well It would confirm a lot of things... " Jalter...
do I look like that to you?
"What kind of person do you think I am? I already told you why I summoned you like that" I retorted with a offended tone
"Ahm... " even Jeanne is shocked with-
Wait...
I know that face, that is the smug face Jalter does when making a prank...
"Sigh. Jeanne... Jalter is just pulling a prank" Well just looking at Jalter face is enough to confirm it...
"Apology!, ¡you shouldn't make jokes like that! " Her angry voice is justified...
But she secretly left a sigh of relief in her heart, no one wants to have someone dear become a criminal... much less for it to happen a second time...
Jeanne may be someone who qualifies as a Ruler due to her lack of a 'wish' to be fulfilled, preventing her from lusting over the Holy Grail.
But... is it true?
As a person who died and was, as a heroic spirit, summoned for a task?
Yes.
But, as a person who was literally brought back alive? With new chances, In a new body, a new world, a new life... and nothing that ties her down? circumstances can sometimes change a lot of things in a person's heart...
If someone like Ahmya was allowed to be selfish in this new life... shouldn't a saint be able to afford to be selfish at least this once, right?
"Hahaha. Sure, sure. Sorry, I apologize... " she just dismissed the angry Jeanne with a shrug while rolling her eyes. Well, her tone is no way close to an apology...
"Thanks... Jeanne(Jalter)... " But at least She helped to calm my nerves down... in a weird way... and poked the now angry (Mini)saint...
" Whatever... Just relax and do your thing. I'm going to fall asleep at this rate " She made a dismissing gesture with her hand,turned around and went for a chair to await the summoning in a more comfortable way while being followed by the pouting (Mini)saint.
What no one saw was that She had a sweet smile on her face while doing so...
Why am I nervous? Well Summoning...
is a quite complicated matter...
One of the reasons I choose both of them as my first summons is that... they are used to it. Being summoned to take part in the Holy Grail war is a common thing in Fate.
During our last fight I realized our lack of a safe place, with Devils and possible other factions taking notice of us, a safe place to call home and relax is going to be vital.
Even if other factions didn't take notice of us as of now, nothings says they wouldn't do so in the future
Yes, I do have a kind of protection from someone thanks to my involvement in the entertainment industry but our identity is still a secret and relying on external help is never a good thing in the first place...
That is why I need to choose carefully, this time the person needs to be someone who can just stay here. I can't just summon someone and say "Hey! This is another world, from now on you are going to live here. Now protect this place"
Our house needs someone strong, reliable, able to focus on defense, capable of strengthening the place and with circumstances that makes it possible for her to accept staying here to not transform my summoning into a multidimensional kidnapping...
And no Lolis for now... I don't want them to think something weird...
'System, is there any solution to the trust problem?'
< User can choose to make the summoned character loyal to the User and unable to go against the User words>
'So brainwashing? What's the difference in summoning a puppet? No thanks... next'
< User can temporarily summon someone, make a contract or a deal and then send said person back. The cost of this choice is high due to the constant travel between worlds >
< User can temporarily summon someone, make a contract or a deal and then send said person back. The cost of this choice is high due to the constant travel between worlds >
It's not a bad choice if you can afford the price... but we need someone who can stay and protect this place...
Next one
< User can summon a Character that is already loyal or with a friendly relationship from games in his past life >
Is it different?
'Explain'
< Summon a character from one of the games User used to play. For example, User can invite someone from the game Fate Grand Order whose trust, also known as Bond level, is high enough. A Summoning will performed If they accept the invitation >
I couldn't help myself but to smile... The choice is obvious!
I’ll start by saying good job but I do have a few concerns.
This is constructive criticism, not bashing so I hope you take it in that light.
1. The story feels rushed, I don’t understand much of what is going on. The scenes themselves switch a little too abruptly.
2. Things aren’t fleshed out well. I don’t have a clear picture on how the place they live in is like, is it a big house, small? What does it look like? What does the neighbourhood they live in look like?
With the amount of story that has elapsed already, I can think of a few ways to make the 6 chapters into 10 or even 12 chapters with just proper descriptions. I know you’re already at chapter 30 or something but even then it’s not at a point where it’s impossible to fix, just a suggestion from someone going through something similar.
My own story has been in hiatus for over a year since I didn’t like how the story went after 36 or 39 chapters or something and decided to rewrite it but that didn’t go too well so I just decided to change the entire plot. And write it from scratch from chapter 1 (which I’m pleased to say is doing much better)
Yes it feels rushed since I was eager to start with the plot, things like the towns where he lives are not even named since it really doesnt add anything to the plot.
I also said that there are [Door] leading towards some painting, making the space inside the house almost infinite, not directly saying it tho.
Thanks, I will try to the new house and town in detail when it comes... I hope you find what you need to continue your own story.
@Layenlml Awesome!
Looking forward to the rest of the story then
Yeah, I almost quit writing after I rewrote the story for the 4th time and hated it.
Thankfully after taking a break for 2 months, I got the idea to change the plot and a little brainstorming later, got a really nice plot idea.
I worked all the details out, properly mapped the entire plot out (I have like 80% of the plot written down in one document, just need to figure the last 20% out, but I already know how it's going to end so it's just between the 81% and the ending)
I'm finally excited to write again
@Beyn Good luck, I will be waiting to read it.
It always feels great to read a novel made with care.
A few things I'm concerned about:
1. Okay, 2 year time skip, but they're already killing upper mid class devils? Seems really fast... hope your power progression is all planned out...
2. Identities. I get that MC summoned Jeanne and Jalter, and made bodies for em with ink. However, how did he create identities for them? Especially since he mentioned them going to school with him? And how did he explain the little girls suddenly following him around to his dad and aunt?
3. What time period in the story did MC drop in at? And where is he starting from?
Mid devils are quite weak, especially with Jeanne and Jalter being natural counters to them. Plus I mentioned being a forced way to power up themselfed that doesnt last too long. Basically awakens their true forms form a short period of time, with Ahm true form being Dusk
I did not explain it to much due to the time skip. But the system for identity and the dad is never around. The Aunts takes care of him but has her own life, so is a far away relative. Should check that one thanks.
3- explained later.
@Layenlml Thanks for the quick reply. Gotta make sure all the pot... er plot holes are filled :D
@Layenlml Complete the Jeanne family, please.
UMU intensifies...