Raphael sat down on her bed, looking into the mirror on the other side of her room. She had grown rapidly used to her new appearance, and…well, she didn’t even notice it anymore.
And, now, she had an out. A way to go back. Lilith’s base form was stuck that way, so staying a girl until they figured out how to change Lilith was pointless, because they weren’t going to figure out how to change Lilith.
And so, she was stumped. On one hand, she was taught to keep her word. She didn’t specify any ‘just in case it’s impossible’ scenario, so she would technically be going back on what she said. Lilith would probably tell her that the technicality isn’t important, but Raphael didn’t believe that. Technicalities were extremely important; her grandmother had given her rigorous training on contracts, both magical and nonmagical, and ignoring a technicality could mean big trouble down the line.
Especially if you were talking with the fae. And Lilith, technically, was fae. Carmen was almost explicitly fae. She couldn’t afford to treat technicalities lightly when dealing with them.
But, on the other hand, Lilith said it was fine. If everyone involved agrees that it’s fine to go back on someone’s word, doesn’t that make it fine? Isn’t the intention more important than the wording?
She wasn’t getting anywhere. So, she stood up and left the room, going down a few doors until she found the one she wanted, then knocked.
Alex opened it. “Raphael?” She said, blinking in surprise.
Raphael looked down, embarrassed. “H-hey. Can we talk?”
Comprehension dawned on Alex’s face. “Of course. Come in.” She had Raphael sit on a chair in the corner of her room, then hopped on her bed, facing Raphael. “Let me guess, you want to talk about…being a girl?”
Raphael nodded hesitantly. “Y-yeah. How did you know?”
Alex played around with her tail, twirling it between her fingers like one would a lock of hair. “Well, we don’t talk much, you’ve got a big choice to make, and I’m the only other person who really understands. So, I think it makes sense for you to come talk to me.”
“Oh.” Raphael paused, searching for a good way to phrase her question. Not finding one, she decided to just say it. “So…why did you choose to stay? Not what you told us back in the medical room, but the thing you were going to say and then didn’t.”
Alex blushed, glancing over to the door. “I…wouldn’t tell anyone else this, but because of your circumstance I’m willing, so long as you keep it a secret.”
Raphael nodded, confidently this time. “I promise. I’m good at keeping secrets.”
Alex fidgeted slightly. “I think I like Lilith. Like like her. I don’t know if it’s love, but…Lilith doesn’t like boys. And…well, I really don’t care very much about what sex I am. It was uncomfortable at first, but I’m used to it now. Actually, I’m used to liking it, but now I just don’t care. I remember liking being a girl, I remember liking being a boy. I guess it just all feels the same, and this way I at least have a shot if Lilith and Kali break up.” She cracked a small smile, obviously trying to lighten the mood somewhat. “Although that might change once I get my first period after removing that mental alteration. Might be worth asking for the mental alteration back, if only so I don’t have to deal with probably hating every second of it.”
Raphael was silent, unsure how to process that. Eventually, she spoke up. “Why does it matter if they’ve broken up?”
Alex looked around, unsure. “Oh, right. I don’t think it’s a big deal, but on Earth it’s weird to have more than one lover. So, I don’t think Lilith would be OK with it.”
Raphael paused again. “But she’s fine with her parents.”
This time, Alex paused. “Right. But…she’s apparently nervous about having even one girlfriend, so two is a stretch, at least for now. We’re not here to talk about me, though. What’s going through your mind? What’s your big question?”
Raphael frowned. “Well…it’s like this. I don’t really care about it anymore – Anyone who would give me a hard time about it is gone, and Thiala even said she likes me better this way. So, that’s not a big deal to me, so the biggest downside is gone. I’m still getting used to things like the bathroom, but it’s really not a big deal. And…then, I know it’s a little silly, but I don’t want to break my word to Lilith. I told her that I’d stay a girl as long as she did, and I don’t want to go back on that. She’s been really nice to me, you know? I was awful to her but she just didn’t care and so I feel bad not living up to my promise. I know Lilith said it’s fine, but I thi–”
Her rambling was cut off as Alex hugged her. After a few moments, she released the hug and knelt down, so she was at eye level with Raphael. “I understand. I get it, more than you think.” She leaned in, closing the distance between them further. “I was even worse to Lilith than you were.” She whispered conspiratorially. “Some of the others don’t know this, but I met Lilith because I was a member of the Society that was supposed to capture Lilith and bring her back for brainwashing.”
That shocked Raphael more than anything else. Alex had been a member of the Society, out to get Lilith? Alex was more defensive of Lilith than anyone…well, anyone except miss Siph. She couldn’t even imagine Alex trying to hurt Lilith, much less capturing her and bringing her back to the Society.
Alex leaned back so that they could see each other’s faces more clearly. “I know.” She said, smiling. “I was in a really bad place. I joined the Society because I thought it was unfair to keep the people of Earth in the dark about magic, and I hated that people like your grandma were trying to keep it that way. But…I regretted that pretty soon after. They were awful to me and pretty much everyone else, but I couldn’t get out. So, when it backfired and I was forced to serve Lilith instead…well, I had a way out. And she was just as nice to me as she was to you. So, I get it.”
She coughed into her fist and changed the subject, blushing. “I think that right now it’s not really about keeping your word. I think that’s something you’re telling yourself because you don’t want to acknowledge that you might like this.”
Raphael was about to say something, but Alex raised a hand. “Alright, it might be about that a little. But, let’s sit down and talk about how your life is different, and how it would change if you decided to be a boy again.” She sat back down on the bed and patted the spot next to her, clearly inviting Raphael over.
Raphael didn’t decline, moving from her chair to the bed.
“So, how is your life different now?” Alex prompted. “Anything that you can think of.”
“Well…I have different friends. Now it’s mostly just Thiala and Lilith. I can’t really call Emily a friend anymore, so that’s really all.”
Alex nodded. “Would that change if you changed?”
Raphael thought about that for a second. “No, I don’t think so. I mean, maybe Thiala wouldn’t be my friend anymore but…”
Alex’s face tightened for the briefest of moments before she spoke. “I’m sure that’s not true. I don’t think Thiala meant that she only would like you if you were a girl. I think she just meant that she likes the way you act more now.”
“R-right.” Raphael said, not completely convinced. “Aside from that, grandma gets mad at me easier now.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“I think it’s because I’m not doing what she wants. She hates it when people don’t do what she wants, so she’s mad that I won’t. I…don’t think it’s that bad, though. It’s nice to be able to do something that grandma can’t force me to stop, and it’s not her business anyway.”
“Does her wanting you to change back make you not want to change back?”
Raphael shook her head. “I don’t…think so? Maybe a little? I’m not sure, but it doesn’t matter.”
Alex remained silent.
“Um, my clothes are slightly different. I don’t have as many pockets as I used to. But it's not like I’m not forced to wear anything I don’t want to.”
Alex waved her hand. “I can get pockets for you if you want, don’t worry about that. Does anything else bug you about the clothes?”
“No, it just still feels a little weird to see that the tags say that they’re girl’s clothes and not boy’s clothes.”
Alex narrowed her eyes. “And how does that make you feel? Are you sad that they say they’re girl’s clothes, or do you feel bad that you’re wearing them?”
Raphael put a finger to her chin as she thought about that. “I don’t think so. It just feels…weird. It doesn’t really bother me much, just sometimes I’ll forget, and it’ll surprise me. It doesn’t happen very often, though.”
“Alright. Anything else you can think of?”
Raphael thought about that for a bit. “I feel closer to you and Lilith now. Like we share something that no one else here does. Oh, and using the bathroom is different now, but I don’t think that’s a big deal.”
Alex laughed. “Right, right. So, what would changing back into a boy mean for you? What would be the positives and the negatives?”
“I would…be like I was before.” Raphael ventured.
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
“A good thing, I think?”
“Why? I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I just want to know why you think it matters.”
Raphael froze, suddenly unsure. “I…don’t know. I…I’ll have to think about it.”
“That’s perfectly fine.” Alex said soothingly, “What else?”
“I can fit back in all my old clothes.”
“That’s true.”
Raphael thought for a while longer. Unable to come up with much else, she said her last bit. “I’ll…feel bad. Like I failed Lilith.” She mumbled, looking down.
Alex pulled the girl into a side-hug. “Hey. It’s nothing to feel bad about. Lilith wouldn’t want you to feel bad about being the way you’re most comfortable.”
“I know, but I’ll still feel bad.”
Alex squeezed Raphael a little closer. “I get it. Anything else you can think of at all?”
“No.” Raphael whispered.
“Alright. You go think about it for a bit, alright? Take your time, it’s a big decision.”
“Um…” Raphael began to speak but trailed off, too embarrassed to continue.
“Yes?” Alex asked.
“Can I…keep hugging you for a bit? I haven’t had a hug like this since…” She stopped there, not wanting to think about it any further.
Alex’s gaze softened even more. “Of course, come here.” She said, pulling the smaller girl into her lap and turning her so they were facing each other.
Raphael buried her face in Alex’s chest and wrapped her arms around Alex. In turn, Alex wrapped her arms around Raphael and began to stroke her hair. They remained that way for a few minutes before Raphael disentangled herself, blushing slightly. “Thanks.” She whispered.
Alex smiled. “Of course. Come back here any time, alright? No matter what you decide I’ll be more than happy to talk with you about this sort of stuff or give you hugs or whatever you want."
Raphael nodded, and went back to her room.
A few hours later, there was a knock at her door. “Come in!” She said, watching the door.
It opened to reveal Lilith standing there sheepishly. “Hey…can we talk for a bit?” She asked, rubbing the back of her neck.
“Of course!” Raphael responded, scooting over so there was more room on the bed. Lilith, taking the hint, walked in and sat on the bed next to her, not forgetting to shut the door on her way.
“This is…kind of awkward, and I really do want to give you time to think about things, but…I just figured I should let you know some stuff up front.”
Raphael, slightly worried, nodded. “Alright, like what?”
“Look, the whole “staying like this to bond” thing is just something that Carmen was using to manipulate you and, to a lesser extent, me. That’s not really…important, you know? I’m not going to treat you any differently if you decide to go back.” Lilith said, not meeting Raphael’s eyes.
Raphael patted Lilith’s knee. “She’s right, though. It is something that you, me, and Alex have in common that no one else does.”
Lilith shook her head. “That doesn’t make it not manipulative, though. I just…” She trailed off, leaving the sentence hanging.
“Hey. It’s fine. Carmen did some nasty stuff, but so did I. We’re even, I think. Even if it was manipulation, I like where it brought me. I’ve got better friends, and I’m not forced to do whatever grandma wants anymore. I liked the past month a lot, so I haven’t been suffering, alright?”
Lilith looked slightly relieved, but her face wasn’t completely free of worry yet. “Alright. Just…if you choose to stay like this, don’t do it because of what you said to me, OK? I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay like this forever just because I have to.”
And then, it hit Raphael.
Earlier, Lilith said probably forever. That meant there was a way back. And, considering all the options this new system had put in front of her, research into this sort of thing was going to be easier than ever.
Raphael jumped up from the bed, pointing a finger at Lilith in her best dramatic pose. “I’ve decided!” She said, excitement mounting. “I’m going to figure out a way to turn you back! And I’m not turning myself back until I do! You can count on it!”
Lilith waved her hands in front of her frantically. “I don’t think you understand just how difficult that would be! It’s hard-coded into the system itself, it’s not something you –”
“I’m not going to hear it!” Raphael replied, still pointing. “Just you watch, I’m going to be your hero! Now get out of my room, I have plans to make!”
Lilith reluctantly left the room, and Raphael waited a minute before following. She went straight to Alex’s room and knocked.
Once again, Alex opened the door. “What’s up?” She asked, looking at Raphael curiously.
“I’ve decided!” Raphael said, putting her hands on her hips and puffing out her chest. “I’m staying!”
Alex raised an eyebrow and waved Raphael inside. “That was fast. What happened?”
“Lilith came to talk with me.” Raphael said, hopping back into the chair she was in last time.
Alex giggled. “Seems like it turned out opposite to how she intended it to.”
Raphael grinned. “See, I realized that Lilith never said there wasn’t a way back for her, just that it’d be super hard. So, I decided that I was going to find that way!”
Alex raised her fist, and Raphael bumped it. “Sounds like a plan! What are you going to do now?” Alex said, smiling back.
“I’m going to train! I’ll level up so fast that even Kali will be surprised!” She bounced onto her feet, unable to stay sitting much longer.
“Whoa there,” Alex said, grabbing Raphael playfully. “Hold on a bit. I love the enthusiasm, but it’s late, you gotta get to bed! You’ll have plenty of time tomorrow, and it’s not like Lilith’s on a time limit, so I expect you to take care of yourself, you hear me?”
As much as Raphael hated to admit it, Alex had a point. “Alright.” She grumbled.
Alex ruffled Raphael’s hair. “Hey, don’t be down about it. I’ll get some books on transformation for you, and I’ll help you out tomorrow. How does that sound?”
“Really?!” Raphael said, perking back up instantly.
“Really. Now, bed!” Alex responded, shooing Raphael out of the room.
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It'd be a major disappointment if Lilith were to go back to her male self. That'd destroy the story.
Interesting chapter to justify Raphaels continued existence as a girl. I will try to formulate my thoughts on the matter as objective as possible, I think I already expressed my dislike of the situation in past chapters.
First of all how Raphael found himself in that situation.
He was under the impression that Lilith was a spy for the society and acted on it like a kid would do who was raised by proud and self-important people. That is not something you really cant blame him for. Keep in mind that he is equivalent to a 10 year old if I remember correctly.
Now the interesting part is that Carmen and Kali trapped them into the confronation. They exactly knew what Raphael was up to and let it happen anyway. They could just have a talk with him at the moment and tell him about Lilith and that the council is aware, problem solved. But they didnt.
Obviously Raphael and his group 'lost'. Now they went on to punish him and the punishment was his transformation into a girl against his will. To what end? They stated it was about him being able to empathize with Liliths situation and a lesson in humility. Now the question is, what does being able to empathize with Lilith have anything to do with him suspecting Lilith to be a spy?
Now they wanted to be not as cruel as they already were and mentally altered him to not feel any dysphoria. As we already know from Lilith it has the side effect to not care about ones sexuality. Effectively removing the desire to change back over time.
But it doesnt stop there, Carmen went a bit further into manipulating Raphael to befriend Lilith and also accept her situation she is in now.
Keep in mind that Kali and Carmen did all that to a 10 year old child. How is it even possible for everyone to accept all that? Especially Lilith who knows all that above? Lilith should have removed the mind altering effect of removing the dysphoria and then asked Raphael if she wants to stay the way she is.
I understand that you as the author wanted to genderbend Raphael for the story but the way it happend is morally so very wrong.
I copied a small passage from a past chapter where you adressed some concerns.
"First, they briefly mentioned in their message that they thought the theme of my novel was that changing someone's body and mind against their will is OK. This is not what I was aiming for (in fact, I was hoping it came off as "permanent change without consent is awful", especially in Carmen's introductory scene), and if I gave this impression to people this is something I would like to fix ASAP, and pointing out specific things I could do to fix this would be helpful."
The problem is that in every case where that happend in this story it was pictured like it was ok to do that. For everyone who was altered, it was against their will. The body alterations were mixed with brainwashing and manipulation until the point where they accepted their state of being. How should I believe that it would be wrong to do so if there is no example where consequences followed.
Right now it would be possible for Carmen to just go around and alter, brainwash and manipulate other people who she dislikes and just wait until the people in question come to like their state of being. Then Lilith comes and ask them after the fact if they want to change back and they will say no. Case closed for Lilith because they apparently want to stay the way they are.
In my opinion there should have been a person who would suffer because of this to show exactly how f*cked up the stuff is they were doing to Alex and Raphael and not just wait until they accept their transformation and are happy with it. Right now from my point of view its ok to do all that in your story because the people in question will come to like it.
The punishment was meant to humble Raphael with a more socially visible punishment, not necessarily as a direct "you did this bad thing so the logical punishment is this".
And Raphael's already expressed a desire to stay this way in an unaltered state of mind back when Elenoa forced it. The dysphoria removal also does not have any sort of compulsion to it, other than the natural tendency of people to forget things that are not immediately important to them. Given a direct opportunity to switch back it's my opinion that it wouldn't be as big a factor as you're making it out to be, and Raphael's got her own reasons that haven't come to light yet.
But, we're still going to have to agree to disagree here, simply because we place the mental effects that are on them in completely different severity categories. It's not something that's going to be addressed for quite a while, and won't be addressed with Alex (as she is currently free of all mental effects. She doesn't even have a dysphoria remover on), so I'm sorry, but that's just how it is at the current point in time.
@Fighterman481 My point is that this is something that shouldnt have been done to a child of 10 years old. Lilith should have changed her back, no questions asked and given her the opportunity to change her back when she becomes older and still really wants it.
Like I said, the whole body and mind altering without consent looks like something thats totally ok if you just wait until the person in question accepts it. Without given example or some monologue where someone condemns it I get the feeling that it is totally acceptable.
@Thor wasn't Raphael something like 82?
@retiisi Yeah, but in angel years that's equivalent to a child of around 8-12