Claire’s Pov

*…*

 

After Alec had left that day, it had taken me a week of silence, before I had the nerve to ask about him.

I know his silence only meant that I had meant nothing to him, but…

I was…Frustrated…I wanted to talk to him about his parents, I wanted to know that he was fine…Seeing him as he left haunts my dreams and once, I was completely wet with sweat…

I couldn’t control my wants and needs, and just rang up Jordan’s number…Only to find that he was gone…

…

I was told I could get emotional when I was pregnant, so I tried to stay calm. I listened to everyone, sure that I wasn’t going to run away and glad to be with family again…

I was walking outside in the yard and going with mum to the shops. I even helped water the garden and cook…

“Claire!”

What?

“Stop it!”

What’s wrong?

Why is my mother looking at me like…Like…

“If you are having trouble, say it!” She yelled at me and even took the knife out of my hands.

I saw her let out a sob and frowned.

What’s wrong?

 

“I know, you haven’t had it easy, the doctor told us not to force what happened out of you!”

I take a sharp breath in as I see her going to the cupboard, still talking, “But, honey, please just don’t stop talking altogether ok, please…Tell me if you don’t want to do something or…Just…Say or do something!”

I look away from her and wonder what she’s talking about. I was doing things…

I shook my head, not understanding. Then a pain suddenly made me cringe and pull my hand back from my mother.

Looking at my hand, I was shocked, I not only cut myself once, but twice…When did that happen?

“You…Please, Claire, please, can we move on a little bit? For me?”

I bit my lip and suddenly felt like I woke up from sleeping…Looking around, I noticed my brother was gone, that dad was nowhere to be seen and we were making something that might be a soup.

My clothes were sort of daggy and my shirt was even put on backwards…

Looking at my hand, that my mum was now trying to clean, I realized that I had been a bit out of it lately.

“She didn’t even know she cut her hand, how did she live?”

Hearing my mother’s words, I felt a rush of some kind of emotion. It made me relax and want to hug her.

“I’m sorry mum.” I said, unable to help but feel guilty.

 

To be honest, I had no idea how long I had been like this…Until I looked down and saw the bump…

Right…I was pregnant…

Putting my free hand to my growing womb, I too wondered how this little one will live. I wanted to make sure that they will get seen to if they cut themselves just like me, if they run away, just like me…

Hell, I wouldn’t want it to happen in the first place! Prevention!

I let out a chuckle, seeing mum look at me in surprise still from apologizing earlier. “I am feeling better now, thanks.”

I smiled at her and she dropped the scissors in her hands.

“Claire! Oh, it’s so good to hear you talk! You were like a robot! Nod or shake, that’s all we got from you!”

I took a deep breath in and nodded, “I will pay more attention.”

 

Three months…Three months had disappeared from my life just like that.

Never again…

I had missed my child’s development and with knowing that, made a diary to make sure I make the best out of every day from now on.

I called it my emotional book, because if I didn’t show them on my face or actions, it didn’t mean I never felt them and I would try my hardest to write them all down.

I wanted to learn how to show that I was happy, so that my child was not going to be like me. I wanted to also learn more about bringing a child up and read some books and attended some strange classes.

By the time I was six months pregnant, I had completely accepted this child and had already gotten their first crib and their first rattle. I got a photo album ready and I had been looking at children’s books.

When I was young, I was given a book from someone that I couldn’t remember, but the story was what I remembered…

I hadn’t read much in life, but this book was familiar to me till this day, and I could not help but have it for my child!

I had tried to get over my embarrassment of not only being pregnant but being in stores and buying stuff.

So many times, I had nearly just walked out without paying, having to catch myself and stop!

The thief in me is bad…

So…Now…I feel weird and strange buying things…I was using money!

It was like a part of me had curled up and died…I didn’t know whether to mourn for it or laugh…

 

My mother told me that I didn’t have to work, so I happily didn’t…I didn’t want too…I felt like I had been working all my life!

She thought I would fight her, but after a few days of me letting her read my diary, she started to understand my life having been away from home and she would cry a lot.

I would hug her to make her feel better, only having told her recently, that it wasn’t her fault…That it was mine…

She had shaken her head at me, but I also shook mine, “You are a good mother and had tried to teach me, I did not listen to why it was ok to come back. Even if I wanted to get something, I should not have stayed out like that.”

I felt ashamed, really…I never want to think about how stupid I’ve been.

We have been closer lately and mum has been my ‘partner’, coming to the doctor’s with me when needed and to those strange classes…

But…There are times, that she even knows about, that I am thinking about someone else.

I never thought I had so much to say about that person.

My diary…I mention him at least once every time, sometimes I hadn’t even realized that I had mentioned him, until the words were already written.

At first, I had written a lot, probably a good paragraph or two, about him. Now it is a sentence or two. And most of the time, it’s the same sentence, ‘Why does his face break my heart?’

 

I had tried horribly at not calling and finding out about him, but, even when I did, no one had seen him around…That man…The father of this child…

Every time I hung up the phone, it was like a heavier burden came upon me. I felt like he was too far away, that if he stays so far away, something bad might happen.

I worried about this, I worried that much that my mother told me to try not to think about it…

How could I not? He had left the place he had called home, he hadn’t even stayed at his farm…I couldn’t believe how scared that made me.

I easily left my thieving place, because it was not my home. I left strip joints easily and the streets…

Why…Why has he not come back home!?

It really was hurting me so much…

 

When my mother next read my diary…She couldn’t help but take me there…

I hate to hurt her feelings…But…My heart…Was still at home…

I still wanted mum, and I was going to continue to see her. But…Even for just one day, I wanted to go home.

Getting out of the car, I breathed out in relief and shut the door determinedly.

Smiling, I started to walk and let my feet take me where I wanted to go.

I vaguely knew my mum was following me, to make sure they wouldn’t kidnap me again, but I didn’t care about any kind of potential danger that my mum was watching out for!

Rushing inside, getting the attention of those at the desk, I walked forwards, not answering any of their questions.

Going to the back of the building and then in the side door, I walked to the end of the hall and then up the stairs and barged straight into the door.

I looked around and my breathing got heavy…I was very quickly put on the verge of crying…

He really was a dirty bastard…

He had pictures of me everywhere…

Then some pictures had stickers on them, or a piece of paper taped to the picture that said something. But…

 

I couldn’t help but let a tear escape, as I see the ultrasound picture.

I knew it was obviously of our baby, as it said so…A picture of me reading outside to our baby, me going…Shopping…Just the other day!

Dirty…Rotten…Bastard!

“Where are you!” I yelled angrily. Why isn’t he here!?

“Miss, you can’t be here, this is off limits.”

The receptionist had followed me all the way here, making me surprised. Turning around, I look at her and try to calm down…

How the fuck can I calm down, he has been watching and staying away all this time? Why!? Why didn’t he just come to me!? Why didn’t he pick up my calls!? Why!?

I closed my eyes, but god dammit, I just started to cry.

He cares…Yet…

Putting a hand to my mouth, I wondered if he stayed away because we were the Peterson’s.

Suddenly…I stopped crying and walked back out, not looking back…

Maybe…Or…Maybe it’s just the child…

Whatever…

Whatever…

Dammit!

Grasping onto the railing of the stairs, I stopped and just sat down.

 

“Claire, are you ok? Should I call the police?”

Uh? Police?

“No!”

“Then…”

Oh right…

“Mum…Could I have a moment please.”

I gave mum a strange small gesture and then said, “I’ll meet you back at the front.”

“I…I am worried for your safety.” My mum said, looking around, making me notice she was relatively close to me.

I smiled and said, “Mum, do you really think all those pictures is being kept by someone who is going to harm me or this child?”

Silence…My mum took a couple of breaths before answering, while searching her bag. “Take this and never let it go, if you do not return in five minutes, that is…10:52…I will come back here ready to call the police, do you understand!”

I couldn’t help it, I smiled. “Yes.”

Getting up, I leave before another word is spoken and go back inside the room, much to the receptionist displeasure.

Going straight to the door that went into the shower, I tried to open it, seeing it locked.

He had been here…

He had hidden…

“Do you really think a locked door is going to stop me, you bastard?”