Iori Kanzaki 不器用な男 / カンザキイオリ

POV Valentine

The days have not been good lately.

"Ugh, you damn right I don't want to, you stupid alarm! Give me more upbeat music first thing in the morning!"

'Haa… Last day of April, my first month here is ending on such a fun fucking tastic note.'

I have felt a sense of hopelessness the past few days. Anna's group, all but have proven that I'm fucked. They leveled up once and the exp gain stopped for them, meaning they need to move to the next floor to continue leveling.

"Haaa… I won't pass floor 6, not like I am now. Should have asked to be a summoner, IF ONLY I knew the shit storm was coming! Even the lazy, flying turkeys are getting bigger by the day!"

"`Sigh, there is little choice in the matter. I need to keep on moving, one step at a time."

'I need money. Money can buy me almost everything, new identity, weapons, ammunition, drones, gear, food. Haa… I miss online shopping with home delivery.'

Having finished daydreaming, I follow my routine. Today, I may not have any free time in the evening, so I go to the dungeon for longer in the morning.

'Hmm, hmm, about 40% of the mountain is mapped out. A bit hard to judge a 3d landscape on a 2d map without a bird's eye view, but I'm definitely getting closer to the half way point.'

The terrain newer got better to traverse. There are plenty of dead ends in the form of cliff walls as high as 20 meters. I'm a lousy climber. I get paralyzed and stiff, turning into a snail hugging a leaf. Without gear, I give up on heights of 8 meters and more, moving to look for a way around.

"How do some people mimick monkeys so well? I simply can't take the unstable footing and start clinging to something for dear life."

Waking around more and more, I have eventually encountered the equivalent of a mountain goat in monster form. Better to say: I smelled it first.

"Aagh! Fuck! Ugh the fuck is this?"

Admittedly, it can be claimed that I got pissed on by some form of a cat-onion unholy mix. It felt as if someone squeezed an onion and hosed me with the juice!

"Aaagh it burns! Fuck! Ugh!"

This is 100 times worse than chopping onions. It's fucking shoving onions in your eyes and rubbing them!

I can't open my eyes, I can't see WTF is going on around me. The only positive thing is the distinct lack of anything trying to actively kill me.

Fumbling around, I moved back a little and settled down my backpack to get some water and wipes.

The tear gas attack isn't pressed further and after some time I can painfully open my eyes. The Onyans are gone, and I'm left to suffer unmolested.

"Why a fucking onion spray? Couldn't they just charge me? Would have been less painful!"

'Fuck! I'll need prospective glasses and mask, while mountain climbing! As if I don't sweat enough up here! Now I'll be choked and blinded too!!'

"I hate the fucking mountains!"

I take a break, recovering and observing. The onyans move across the rocks freely, not bothered by the cliffs or footing. The little shits are the worst match for me. They use my usual strategy of hit and run. Problem is, they have all the advantages. Speed, maneuverability, range, terrain, cowardliness! They don't fight! The fuckitty pisses and runs away!

"When I get a gun, you will be my kill on sight practice targets! You hear me! FY all!"

Drenched in onion smell, I take my leave, wishing for a long bath with every step. Praying to be freed from this humiliation.

…

"Hana: You smell like an onion, it's making my eyes water. Go away."

'Yeah, fuck you too princess.'

"Yumi: It can't be helped, he's the only employee here. Let the man off the hook."

"Tai: Better yet, ask for some sweets as compensation!"

I do my best not to growl in reply. The day isn't getting any better for me.

"Valentine: Please pardon my lack in foresight. I got tangled up with some first class onions. Tomorrow I'll be making onion based dishes. Now please excuse me. I'll be in the kitchen."

"Meiko: Mmm, crispy onion rings."

"Mari: Some French style onion soup would be a nice change of pace."

"Anna: You girls are not having any problems with raving fans today? I imagine quite a few would seek Meiko out, to get an autograph."

"Meiko: As long as it is useful to Lady Mari, I don't mind."

I return to the kitchen, lamenting my lack of toiletries. Having only the bare minimum of a razor and hair clippers, there is not a lot I can do about the smell. 'I ain't shaving my head. I like a short haircut thank you very much.'

I got more used to cooking for 6 people simultaneously, largely thanks to making some prep work on the popular ingredients.

"Sigh, can I ask for some money from Anna's group? Can I ask them to sell anything? Bags of rice? Eggs? Salt? Why couldn't it be gemstone crystals, instead of salt crystals? Haaa."

'Food is cheap in our time, unless I get something special. Precious and low-key would work better. Maybe market the fat crows as a new breed of chickens?'

Soon enough, I get some quiet time to clean up and get ready for gym training. I try to come up with countermeasures for the new, pain in the face, monsters.

'PPE and ranged weapons. Can't think of anything else right now. Rocks or knives? Can I make a working bow and arrows? Without tools? No.'

"It all boils down to money again. I need an income, without interacting with any more people. Six is already risky! People will notice sooner or later. Haa… Maybe the alien abduction story will work if I get support from the girls, or I'll be cuffed and carried out by police to my death."

Revealing the portal is a very fast way to becoming a casualty in some unlucky incident or in any of the hundreds of ways the government will get rid of me.

'Best I can do is close the portal, seal the room and lay low for a few years as the passive mana regeneration pushes up to 10k. Given that no-one dismantles the whole HQ to understand its technology. Which is unlikely, given how it can make water, power and things out of thin air!'

The allure of this place is too great for any country to resist. One lost life isn't even worth a bit of data on any report.

'I MUST get stronger.'

-- --

Original Song - Cadian XXth - ft. Doctor Hoctor, Cpl. Corgi

"This could be my life's song. It's better then what the death korps of krieg got anyway. I've got plenty of spite in me, enough to go after those hellish onion cats."

'Hmm? A notice? What now? OwO!'

-- --

End of Month Notice

EP gained: 70 EP

Passive: 21 EP

+ 1 point per repeat visitor = 6 EP,

+ 2 points per repeat adventurer = 6 EP,

+ 3 points per supporter = 9 EP.

Active: 21 EP

+ 1 point per new visitor = 6 EP,

+ 2 points per new adventurer = 6 EP,

+ 3 points per new supporter = 9 EP.

Submissions:

Martial arts demonstration video= 28 EP.

*Visitor - any person coming into the HQ for over 5 minutes, becomes a repeat visitor by coming again 4 times within a month.

*Adventurer - any person to contribute mana to the HQ, becomes a repeat adventurer by contributing over 2 times a month.

*Supporer - any person granted access to the HQ system.

-- --

"Passive income? EP, for not just submissions? Ugh, a 60 min video is worth half a month's work of a chef. Haa, better be content with getting anything at all. My hope that 1 video will get me 100 EP for the upgrade was too much. Fuck it! I will consider this a sign! That this month will be good to me! That May will melt all the snow and let me relax in the summer sunlight!"

'To make it even better, I will go throw some rocks at cats! Well… onion cat monsters.'

I refreshed my muscle memory on rock throwing and chose a couple of good knives to take with me. Rocks are one of the things I find plenty in the mountains.

This time I leave lightweight: backpack, water, PPE and the usual gear. My targets are the onyans, so I ignore what enemies I can and bypass the ones I can't.

It takes me a good hour and 20 minutes to get all the way up to the spot I last saw them. The other monsters don't make it easy for me.

Looking at the peaks and cliffs around, I can see a few pairs jumping around, or digging the walls.

I do something I haven't done in a long time. I sit down and spend an hour looking and listening to the world around me.

I am able to do it because they are not really aggressive, unless I get into their attack range.

My observations leave me to believe that I have found the bottom feeders of this floor. 'For bottom feeders they are quite high up the mountain.' I can see them sometimes digging into cliffs, causing avalanches? A good chunk of dirt falls down, scattering in the wind. I guess the tomato monsters are like the slimes, eating all the spice infused dirt. The mountain is feeding all the monsters here.

Rested and more familiar with their movements I gather some suitable rocks and wait for an opportunity.

There are several paths taken by the onyans that I can exploit, so I get into position and wait. Luck is truly on my side today, as I hit one in a mid jump, causing it to fall down to my level. Before it can get away I sprint with my axe in hand, keeping my face down to avoid taking any onion spray coming from above to the face.

These monsters are definitely not built for combat, not melee combat at least, focused on ranged harassment and fast retreat.

A single chop cleaved the thing in two, and I run away from the stench coming from all around me. Not sure if the monster stinks itself or the other ones are attacking me, I simply run away.

Returning to my previous position, smelling like an onion again, I wait for more opportunities and the loot I'll get.

'Unsurprisingly I get a bag of onions. Real shocker! Stupid, smelling cat onions. WTF do you even dig for anyways?'

Climbing up, while under attack is a very stupid idea. I take potshots, taking down a few more onions. After the sixth one, I see the closest ones retreat beyond my eyesight.

'This is fucking time consuming! Haaa, time to go back to the kitchen. Hmm… Ok I'll dig around for a bit while they are all gone.'

I take longer than necessary to climb a dozen meters to a hole freshly dug by the onyans. The one I was basically camping.

'I hate the mountains! Uuugh fuckitty! I'm not built to climb cliffs! How can I turn into this scared stiff bug, clinging to rocks with shaking hands and feet? I kill 2.5 m tall fucking monsters that can crush me to death! But here I am! A nervous wreck due to a simple rock wall!'

"Fuuu, fuuu, fuucking not worth it. And people pay money to do this? Madness! Ugh stop shaking already! Move! Hands! Come on let go and move for the next grip!"

If I hadn't gone to the toilet before, now I'd be wetting myself. I thought, I got over fear in general, when I started fighting monsters.

I simply can't control it, the sound of rocks crumbling, the slightest shifting in my footholds, the pouring down sweat. It's all not for me.

As I get to the hole in the wall, I feel as if I fought a dragon to the death and it won. I think, I will live here now, in this little hole. A much better alternative to going down.

I squeezed in, half sitting and half hanging. "No… Not doing it again… Haaa…Haa…Fuuu."

Catching my breath and steadying my shaking body, I take a minute to look around. 'Dirt, rocks, dirt…hmm? Veg?' I throw a few handfuls of dirt out, dusting off some root vegetables, or what looks like it.

"Mushrooms… Haa… So much trouble for mushrooms. Do they even grow inside of soil? Dungeon logic, haa."

I dig out a collection of darkish mushrooms. I have the barest knowledge about mushrooms in general. Mostly the fact that I don't like to eat them. I can tolerate pineapple in a pizza more then having mushrooms in it, so unless they are well hidden in the food I tend to stay away from them.

"Sigh, I can feed them to the girls or throw them out if everyone feels the same way as I do."

I gathered a good 15 pieces after digging around. Putting them in a bag, I tie a string to it and lower it to the ground.

'I need a climbing rope for myself. Fuuu, down we go, slow and steady.'

On the ground, I feel like having jelly for legs and arms. I think of taking the day off and giving the empty mana battery to the girls.

'Yeah, I'd rather stay in the kitchen over this extreme sport. Haa, I need a few hours of relaxation today.'

Upon my return I wash myself a few times, trying to get rid of the stench of onions out of my hair. I soak for a bit and use more shampoo again, before soaking some more.

The weather is getting better, after a few cloudy days the sun is nice and bright. I take a bowl of my classic bird feed for the useless turkey and a plate of snacks for myself to the rooftop. There is a good hour for me to relax, before I'll need to start preparing in the kitchen.

'So far they have not discovered any supernatural abilities, neither skill nor magic. Increase in base fitness, strength, speed all the normal human physiology. Where the fuck is the fantasy element? There is mana! Clearly written on my tablet, even job levels! So, what gives!'

After being drenched in onion juice for two days, the winds are taken out of my sails. If this is my new reality: no epic battles using spells or abilities, just a slow, thankless grind with an axe. I wouldn't mind keeping to the kitchen.

Build some connections over time, with the elite young ladies attending the academy. Choose the most trustworthy to share the dungeon secret with.

'Yeah, a secret society consisting of anime girls and a single male! Ha ha ha ha… Speaking of males… No, those three perverts must be in the prison by now. Not like they would be of any help either way. Did this academy become completely mixed after their first year? Hmm…damn, I mostly remember the violence and hot girls. It was a stupid plot anyway. Haa… I guess I'll see in a year's time. Definitely need to come into contact with Mari's sister. The poor girl got the worst ending of them all. Fucking blue haired pisser will get a face full of a shovel from me.'

However I have plenty of my own problems to deal with. I can murd… correct a young man's behaviour later. I have plenty of practice with a shovel and an axe too, if it comes down to it.

Boredom gets to me, hard, I can only use my imagination for entertainment here. Turning on some music, I go down to try figuring out how to deal with those disgusting mushrooms. Without the internet I can't even tell what kind they are.

'It's high time I act as a man and grower before my betters for money, or a laptop with internet access. Hmm? Am I secretly into that stuff? Or is it the fact that any of them can smack me down one handed?'

Haa… Right onions, mushrooms, rice… What to make, what to make…