“Hello?” came Brook’s voice after I had knocked. “Come in! Door’s unlocked.”
Was that a tremor in her voice? Was she upset? It had only been like an hour and a half since we saw each other, but maybe she was trying to do that thing where she reminded herself that it wasn’t real between us? I hoped I could make her happy with what I wanted to tell her.
I took several deep breaths in a vain attempt to calm myself, then inched the door open. She slowly came into view, sitting up in bed with her laptop next to her, a show paused on the screen. I could tell the moment she realised who was on the other side of the door. Her expression shifted dramatically from open and curious to closed and wary. I felt my heart sink with the look, and I opened my mouth to apologise for dropping in, only for speech to once again leave me.
I stood in her doorway and floundered for several seconds, my anxiety ruling my body with an iron fist. I took a step forward, concentrating with all my might on keeping the panic at bay. I threw positive thought after positive thought at my impending panic in an effort to wrest control back. I needed my legs moving me forward, I needed my arm to close the door behind me. I needed my mouth to work.
I could see growing concern in Brooks pretty eyes, my struggle plain for her to see on my face. "Are you okay?" she asked, her tone low and caring. "What's happened? Come sit next to me."
I gave a vague nod and dumped my handbag on the floor, then took a few more excruciatingly difficult steps forward. Goddess this was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. Why was it that the more I cared about something, the harder it was to do it?
Her eyes were still wary despite her concern for me, and she watched me as I kicked my flats off and continued stumbling towards her. I made it to the foot of her bed and flopped onto it, then pulled myself over until I was sitting next to her. I made sure that I left at least a foot of space between us. I wanted her to feel like she had the option to back away if she needed it. I wasn’t allowed to touch her until I saw her reaction.
She moved to try and hug me anyway, and I had to give her a little shake of my head and a wan smile. Her expression quickly changed from of worry to one of hurt, and it took me a moment to realise my error. Shit! She thought I didn’t want to touch her!
“If this is about the fake relationship thing, I know… it’s weird and I don’t think I can keep doing it. I thought I could, but it hurts too much,” she told me, her incredible eyes avoiding mine.
I reached out without really thinking about it to take her hand and pull it to me, I guess I couldn’t keep my hands off her after all with the way she was looking so upset. She still avoided my gaze, her eyes straying randomly over her laptop, until I gave an insistent tug on her hand that drew her attention to me.
I opened my mouth and tried to say it, tried to say the words that would fix this, but I was hopelessly non-verbal by now. I frowned down at myself and tried again, straining, wishing for words to come out, but trying to force it only increased my anxiety to new heights.
I took several calming breaths and tried again with similar results, until frustration boiled over and groaned in annoyance. Wait… I’d just made a noise!
“Brook,” I mumbled, then smiled as her name actually came out of my mouth. Trust frustration and anger to break me out of that annoying trap.
Speaking quickly and passionately, before my words and mood could fail me again, I blurted, “Brook, I’ve been a colossal idiot. Really stupid—“
“No!” she interrupted emphatically. “You’re not stupid, you’re amazing, you’re one of the smartest people I know!”
I dropped her hand and reached forward to cover her mouth like I had done earlier and grumbled, “Stop, let me speak before I get too anxious again.”
“Right, sorry,” she mumbled through my hand with a sheepish look.
Almost having to kick the words out of my mouth, I said, “Brook, I’ve been stupid because I didn’t realise how I was feeling. I’m… goddess, I’ll just say it. I’m in love with you. I love you back, and I have since the very beginning.”
“What?” she blinked, looking confused more than anything else, like she thought she had misheard me.
Taking the hand that I’d dropped a moment ago, I lifted it carefully to my lips and kissed it, saying again, “I love you Brook. I love you.”
“You… you do?” she asked, and I could see her beginning to choke on her emotions. Her breathing had noticeably sped up and she was clutching desperately at my hand now. “What do you mean though, you love me how…?”
“Brook, I love you romantically, as in… all these kisses we shared, they were real for me too, in more than just a physical sense. Shit you’re the reason I’ve kept going non-verbal recently, I’m feeling so much for you that it robs me of speech!” I said, exclaiming the last sentence with so much force and feeling that I felt my hands start shaking.
“I’m sorry I… I’m having trouble convincing myself to actually hear what you’re saying,” she blinked, looking confused and distressed. “You’ve spent so long saying that you weren’t… what changed? Why now?”
“Do you remember when you first told me that you had a crush on me?” I asked, my voice much quieter now. “We were walking home from school and you dragged me into that park to talk.”
She’d been so nervous back then, just another alternative looking kid with a penchant for getting into trouble and a frown for every authority figure within sight.
“I do… I remember how you panicked and ran away too,” she murmured, looking upset as she thought back on that day.
“I’m sorry I did that…” I winced, feeling sad for what we had missed out on all these years because of it. Not that anything different could have really happened in that situation, but still. Taking a deep breath, I collected my thoughts again and continued. “We know I’m trans now right? Well, I think that the reason I panicked that day was because I was terrified of being in a relationship as a guy. I didn’t want to commit to anything because it felt like my whole life was stuck in like… in the waiting room. I couldn’t say yes to anything because I wasn’t really living.”
This got a reaction from her, the way she leaned back to look at me, her sadness fading a little as she really, properly looked at me. “So being the guy in a straight relationship would have really hurt… oh shit. Ohhh shit.”
She finally got it! Not that I could talk, Ms Elsie, in love with her best friend for years.
I nodded quickly, a smile creeping onto my face, “Yes! It all started changing when I emerged! I was running around as a girl, feeling like I was finally allowed to start life, twenty years late! But I’d spent so much time telling myself that what I felt for you was simple friendship, that it took forever to even realise that I enjoyed your touch at all, let alone the way you care so much about me.”
“Wow, this is a lot,” she said with a deep sigh, leaning back and running a hand through her shortish blond hair.
She stayed silent for a moment, deep in thought as she worked through the bombs I had dropped on her. As she did so however, I was distracted by the way she was continuously and absently combing her hair with her long, lithe fingers.
“That is… so hot,” I blurted, staring at the hand that was still nestled in her hair. Something about that gesture that she kept doing just took my breath away. It was odd but… goddess I wanted her.
“What is hot?” she asked with amusement, raising an eyebrow.
“That hair thing you did, where you brushed your hand through your hair?” I said, miming out the action. “I don’t know why but I just find it really attractive.”
“What, this?” she laughed, doing it again and earning a nod of approval from me. It was indeed very hot, and cute… and kinda confident. I loved it.
The way she moved in general was just so great. Maybe it was just love talking, but the way she did everything with so much unconscious confidence all the time was just. Goddess, it made me want to jump her.
“What if I do it to you?” she asked with a cheeky grin on her face, reaching out to run her fingers through my hair this time.
Like one of those funny goats that goes limp when you scare it, I gave a little wordless mumble and slumped sideways against her, my head landing on her shoulder. Mmmm, yes I think I’d stay here a while.
“Elsie, what was that reaction just now?” she asked with a giggle. “Cos you do it like every time I touch you like that and I think I just realised what I’ve been accidentally doing this whole time.”
“Too much feelings, they make me break,” I mumbled, smooshing my face into her shoulder.
“Well,” she coughed, her cheeks flushing even as she grinned down at me. “That makes me just a little really fucking happy.”
“I wanna make you happy,” I told her in a small voice and reaching over to give her sweatpant-clad thigh a little squeeze.
“It would make me really damn happy if I could hold you right now, properly hold you, not friendship holding where I have to keep myself in check,” she said, her voice light and hopeful.
“Please,” I nodded, taking my head off her shoulder so I could shuffle up against her.
She did so, encircling me in her arms with the deepest, most soul-easing sigh I’d ever heard. It was a firm hug, and one that I moved to return, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling myself even tighter against her. Sitting there with her like that, feeling her warm body against mine, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
The… all at once, we both began to cry. Huge wet tears poured out as the strain of everything fell away. They were tears of relief, of love and of a bittersweet sort of happiness. Tears because we didn’t have to fight ourselves anymore, me unconsciously and her consciously.
“I love you,” I told her with a mumbling sob.
“I love you too,” Brook choked, squeezing me even tighter. “Fuck I have been waiting for so long to add that ‘too’ to the end of that sentance.”
“I’m sorry it took me so long,” I cried softly, giving her a squeeze in return.
“I don’t care Elsie. It’s okay. You had so much to figure out about yourself, I’m just glad it happened eventually,” she said with a laughing sniffle.
I nodded, then let out a teary eyed laugh of my own. “Brook, we kissed like so many times before I even realised. Gosh it’s ridiculous.”
“It’s very sapphic of us, yeah,” she chuckled. “I swear I saw a meme like that just a few hours ago. Something about making out with a girl and still wondering if she likes you or something.”
“I want to see lesbian memes,” I said excitedly, pawing at my face to brush the tears away.
That got a laugh out of her and yet another loving squeeze. “Is that what we’re going to do as our first act as girls who love each other? Look at memes?”
“No, it’s cuddling in bed and looking at memes!” I giggled. “The cuddling part is important!”
“Very important,” she murmured, burying her face in my hair for a moment. “Oh this is even better than my dreams.”
Dreams… oh goddess. I was suddenly and rather abruptly reminded of the number of times I had masturbated to daydreams of her, and felt my cheeks redden in a matter of moments.
When she leaned back and saw my blush, she gave me a suspicious and amused squint. “What has you blushing so hard huh?”
“Nothing! Nothing! Uh… what were you watching just now?” I stammered with wide eyes, point to the screen of her laptop.
Shaking her head, she reached up to tweak my nose and say in a far too throaty, sultry voice, “No no my little glowstick, what were you thinking just now? I’m oh so curious.”
I pouted at her, doing my best puppy dog eyes in an attempt to get her to back down, but she just raised her eyebrow further. Finally, I mumbled in a small voice, “After our kiss at the skate park that time I um… masturbated to you. You were kinda my go-to for fantasies that got me off after that.”
“Oh wow!” she exclaimed, her eyes lighting up with mirth and… happiness? Oh! Right! She’d like that I was getting off to her… duh.
“Don’t judge me,” I grumbled, snuggling back in against her so I wouldn’t have to see her laughing at me.
“Wouldn’t dream of it little glowstick,” she chuckled, kissing the top of my head. “It’s cute. I like that you’ve been able to discover your sexuality, and I’m doubly happy that I was the one able to help.”
“I’m still a virgin you know,” I blurted, then felt my cheeks redden even more. “I don’t know what I’m doing, I mean…”
“I’m aware,” she murmured carefully. “If or when it comes to that, we can figure out what you need. Is it okay for us to just… savour it though? Go as slow as we can?”
“Okay, but on one condition,” I said, giving her a tight squeeze. “I get to call you my girlfriend. My real girlfriend.”
I felt her relax a little, like she’d been waiting for that subject to come up… which I know I had. Gosh the simple idea that I could see her and think, I’m hers… I’m hers alone. I loved her so much, again just… how had I missed these feelings? How hadn’t I realised from the many times I had literally fallen asleep in her arms?
“Definitely. You’re my girlfriend too,” she whispered into my ear, her voice full of caring. “Just us, right?”
“Yes, I probably sound super selfish but well… I want you all to myself,” I nodded, then added in a small, slightly pouty voice. “Mine.”
“Mine,” she agreed, running her hands through my hair again and utterly melting me. “And since you’re mine…”
She lifted me up slightly, until I was level with her, running her hands through my hair again. Gosh, she’d just… picked me up and moved me! While my brain was still sparking over that, her hand firmed into a stable grip and oh… she pulled me in and kissed me. First contact of our soft lips brought a ripple of goosebumps across my skin, followed by a shiver up my spine.
The kiss felt different almost immediately from the other ones we’d shared, because I knew now what I was feeling. The knowledge brought on this new layer of sensation that had me pressing my body desperately against hers even as our mouths worked hungrily. Goddess, how were her lips so incredibly soft? Did she like, moisturise them specifically or something?
Unfortunately, our position meant that I couldn't get the whole body length contact that I wanted, so I changed it. With a grumble of impatience, I pushed off her and gestured to her then down the bed. My powers took hold, and she gave a gasping little squeak as she simply moved, like I’d just used telekinesis on her. In reality, I’d shifted her personal gravity in a different direction for a moment, but you couldn’t exactly see that with the naked eye.
“Holy shit Elsie!” she exclaimed, looking up at me with a mix of arousal and awe. “That was… that gives me so many ideas!”
I just grinned and moved to straddle her hips with mine, then lay down on top of her and initiated the kiss once more. My lips were insistent as they sought hers, pulling her bottom lip into my mouth for a second to flick my tongue over it, before letting it go again. I heard her moan with surprise and need, and then it was her tongue diving between my lips, hot and insistent.
As she regained her confidence and remembered herself after my woman-handling of her, I felt myself melt and lose myself into her. I loved her so fucking much, it was like I couldn’t think except for the continued desire to kiss her and love her. She was all I needed in that moment. I felt like I was floating on a sea of happiness and affection, my hair floating around me and— oh crap.
We pulled out of the kiss at the same time to find that we’d floated up into the air. I was still straddling her, my hands grasping her biceps for traction. We stayed up there too, my two different powers having decided to work together.
“Well,” Brook laughed, turning back to meet my eyes, her hair floating around her head due to the zero gravity. “This is what I get for dating an emerged I guess.”
“Now you get to kiss someone in zero G,” I giggled, moving back in to continue where we’d left off. “Don’t want to miss that opportunity huh?”
“Mmm,” she murmured into my lips. “Definitely not.”