Rieka POV

 

The Cold breeze blows past me, moving my fur and making my ears slightly twitch. It went into my lungs, attempting to cool my body more than it already was.

It doesn’t bother me, as I closed my eyes, enjoying this breeze. The small amount of snow beneath my feet also did nothing to cool me down more. How could it?

I felt like the world had already frozen over, that heat was something of a myth, that it was just a story that people read about. Summer…Spring…What was that?

I was always in the depths of winter…It was like…I belonged here…

 

***

 

I licked my chops once again, still digesting my last meal. I had gotten used to raw meat a long time ago and it didn’t bother me anymore. I had no intention to shifting back to being a human, as I was just lazily and leisurely just wasting my time here as a wolf, in the most northern, most coldest parts of the continent…

My fur rustled slightly to more cold breezes and I shook my wolf head and let out a big yawn.

I never did much after eating, as any strenuous exercise would actually hurt me.

I had unintentionally swallowed silver once, back in the day, and now I have to let my food settle if I don’t want to deal with the pain for a short time. I guess, now, I just got used to it…It’s something that I probably couldn’t change, so what else am I to do?

Besides the fact that this situation always reminds me of my past, it can be easily dismissed afterwards, now that time has moved on. My life wasn’t about the past, nor was it about the future…I was living in the now and trying to make the best of it.

Picking up my paw, I continued to remove the blood off it, as my pretty, white fur had some red on it from my amazing kill!

I liked to think I’ve become a hundred percent wolf…Yet, I know that I haven’t.

How could I?

My wolf inside me was not playing much of a part in my life at all, so, to a certain decree, I was a human, just not in human form. It was strange, yet, something I got over. I tried to have things not get to me anymore…If I thought too much about things, I get sad…And who wants that?

Through the small amount of times that my wolf does actually talk to me, she had said I’ve gone a little eccentric or crazy, but honestly, once I thought it through, I was just trying to be happy. I mean what’s the point of wanting to wallow in self-pity, right?

So what, if I make the simplest of things become something that could make me jump around and put a strange looking smile on my wolfy face. So what, if my imagination had just grown so much that I could spend so much time alone without getting bored and dream days away in a fairy-tale. Wasn’t this a good thing?

Sigh…It was much better to be…Laid back and take the least amount of seriousness about anything. It was just the way I had become…

 

I knew many other Shifters went into their human forms often, and kids would be able to shift when they were two years old. Hell, I learnt this from Humans, so it seems to be quite common knowledge I suppose.

I learnt that I was different pretty quick.

Much of my life, till two, was a blur, but I remember two things quite clearly. That they called me an albino and called me a waste…Probably other names too…

I was abandoned and dismissed from whatever that pack was called, and on my own, when I was only three.

As a human, my hair hadn’t been very long, and my blue eyes had freaked them out. Actually, they weren’t the only ones…When I got picked up and went to a normal, human orphanage, they were freaked out too! So, perhaps having so much little time with others, has given me this strange personality…

Obviously, I hadn’t known different back then. I think I thought that what I went through was normal…

What a naive child I was though…Never thinking much about what was different about me, instead, I had wondered why they treated me as such. I wanted mum, I wanted dad…Yeah, like that’s ganna do something you idiot, younger me, they are the ones that had abandoned you!

I’m sure I had other memories of them at one stage, but now…My memories of the past mostly hold all the bad stuff.

From being a part of a family, to losing that at such a young age, I have completely forgotten if it meant anything at all. Is having a family a good thing? Is it worth it?

 

For a long time, my little self hadn’t been able to figure it out.

I had not been able to connect with the wolf inside of me, nor did I shift to become a wolf, so I really thought that I was a normal child. So, I really did try at the orphanage…Pfft.

Idiot, younger self is stupid!

Being called names…Why did I cry and wonder why?

My white hair was uncommon, especially in with the humans. To a certain degree, I didn’t know how common it was with packs…But either way, it was like the button that everyone wanted to press to give them the right to want to bully me.

I was sometimes even hit by other kids at the orphanage, and that was the start of not trusting humans…Just the start…But, I guess I mastered the art of hiding through being at the orphanage.

I found that, if they didn’t find me, they couldn’t hurt me.

Most of the time it worked, just for the times it didn’t, I had gotten all sad and upset again…

 

Really, the only good thing about that part of my life, was going to school. Because I was able to have more space to hide…

It helped that I was relatively small, to hide that is, as I would still look like a six-year-old, when I had really been eight. Actually, I was still like this now, looking younger then I am…The only thing big about me was my wolf, she said something in mumbles earlier on about alpha blood, but I don’t care to elaborate…Well, to be honest, it’s because I’ve forgotten what she’s said…

Of course, the bad times overcame school and I could hardly remember it now…I didn’t learn much, only attending it for about two years, but it still sucks when my wolf, Asuna, calls me stupid…

So what, I’ve learnt the invaluable knowledge that bullying someone can hurt another’s feelings and that it doesn’t matter what’s inside, and that if you have white hair and blue eyes, people look at you funny! Valuable knowledge that I had learnt, was that when I spoke, it wasn’t worth it…No one wanted to listen to me anyway. And then, I had to rely on myself, because no one else wanted to be my friend. My knowledge to me was grand, superb…Yet, apparently, I still lack. I looked up ignorance once, when Asuna said that word, and I agreed with her and moved on. She must have thought that I wanted to open up, border my horizons and realise my ignorance, because she had been stunned that I continued on my merry way…Hell, I totally understood! I understood that ignorance, was bliss! If I knew about something, then I might want to do something about it…Or whatever…Who knows!

…Besides, it’s not like I knew nothing…Sigh…

I guessed, back when I was a pipsqueak, that being bullied was how everyone seemed to became stronger, how everyone lived their lives, that it was normal, yet…I only saw one or two others get bullied as much as I…Then everyone else seemed to contain something I didn’t. They were able to laugh and smile, talk and happily play with each other. To this, I was confused. I was also jealous…

On the rare occasion that I had enough courage to try and play with them, I would end up being the one that had to chase everyone and would search for them for hours…Then, only to find them having all forget about me chasing after them, as they were just playing elsewhere and laughing without me…And, that was probably the start of becoming my own crazy best friend. Really, I’m a hoot to hang out with! Much better then those…Meanies!

 

When I had turned nine, on a night of a full moon, I had shifted for the first time and it scared the living daylights out of me!

I had the vague memories of wolves and shifting, but I was never taught much at all about them. Being tossed out at three and hanging out with humans since, I had no idea why it had happened like this! I really started to think my so-called family had tossed me out because I was a normal person…

Through my scared and painful state, I had hidden. A little white-haired kid, with blue eyes, went missing that day, yet, if they had looked hard enough, I was in the cupboard…Well, not my cupboard…But, oh well…

So, at that time, I had to accept that I wasn’t Human, I was a Shifter.

Fancy that…

With the small detail about Shifters that I did actually know, but being nine and with no teacher to guide me, I had been truly frightened…

I would rummage into bins to get food and steal from a house cat’s bowl. Sleep in backyards, in parks and freak out because of the dark at night-time…

I guess my first experience of being alone in the world wasn’t that great, but at least I was able to continue to depend on myself as I had been already. And having me inside myself, as my new best friend, really helped. Well, it wasn’t like I was going to run away from me…Anyway…

 

Not thinking that I could return to the orphanage, because I was unable to shift back to being human, I ended up roaming the streets, wanting to whine my heart out. A sulk here and there…

Poor, little, idiot, younger me was lonely…I guess. I had already felt lonely as it was, but when I was by myself, it was a whole new chapter on my life.

I never thought that getting my own food and water would be so hard. And, not having any particular idea on what I should do in that situation, I could only wander around…I may have been lost in that city, but I was also lost in my soul.

I remembered the school teacher telling us kids that we had to work hard to get a good job and to look after your family. Yet, what do I work hard to do? My nine-year-old brain, which was only just starting to realise that being independent was hard, was starting to fry…

After a few days of this, I was just about to go into the bush, because of all the yelps and scares that seemed to happen around me, when someone had picked me up and threw me into a car.

My size at that time wasn’t too small, my fur wasn’t as it was now. It’s thick and long now…But back then, it was thin and only a centimetre or two long, at most…To a certain decree, I would have probably called myself ugly…

So, I was taken…Again…And I was thrown into a dog fights…Many times.

That’s right, I was put into a cage and I had no idea upon what I was supposed to do.

Upon the first fight, I probably could have only handled two more attacks before death, when my wolf finally linked to me!

While I freaked out over some strange bond that I never knew I had, my wolf took over and we survived the fight.

It had been the very first time that she had done anything!

I hadn’t heard her speak, hadn’t seen her move…Honestly, I was thinking that this was normal…That she had never existed…

Again, that was just me being naive…

 

My wolf was probably everything…I wasn’t…So, for the poor, idiot, younger me, she became my idol…She was big, her fur a lot nicer than mine but sadly…She sounded like she had better things to do…

Trying for days and days, wanting to express my thanks and good will, she ignored me. It really was a let down for me, as I hadn’t come across anyone being nice to me yet back then. I suppose I had really thought that she had no other choice but to be my friend…Guess I just didn’t like that fact that I had been wrong…

I was somewhat certain that Shifters were supposed to get on with their wolf’s. But I wasn’t sure…

She only stated one thing, and that was to do it on my own.

Well, I’ve been doing everything on my own!

I learnt to fight and continued to survive on my own, having it become so easy that a growl would scare them off!

My own will power and dependence on myself had definitely turned towards being able to become aggressive, when I had to be. I strived to survive and not get hurt, because…Well, it was painful when they hurt me…And well, my wolf had gone back into some kind of slumber, so I no longer relied on her…I should say talk, but nope, I don’t talk to her at all! I mean, she was strong and…And…She was in my head…And I don’t need to talk to her…Sigh.

It was like I was always reminded that I was on my own, when I saw her in my mind. With the words that she had spoken to me, I got stronger and stranger. Doing anything I needed…On my own! Never, ever, wanting to admit that I was actually really upset and unhappy that we couldn’t get on. Never…

 

But what made fighting more difficult, was when I had eaten the silver, mixed into my daily meal, and fighting became harder. My wolf told me then, that I just had to become stronger!

My idol! Yeah, and look at you know! No more ideas?

I don’t blame my wolf now, we had gone through enough together…Even though she woke up late…Even though she abandoned me.

I felt like she was just a tag along, that I really did own this life. So, why should I blame her? If I did, wouldn’t that mean I depended on her too much? As far as I’m aware, I’m very happy just depending on myself. She can just sit there and sleep for all I care.

Sighing…I knew though, she did help me a little…That’s just another reason why I don’t blame her.

 

After they used silver on me and even put silver on the dog’s claws, things went for a turn for the worse. I had healed my wounds easily prior to these fights, but when silver was clawed over my skin, I started to obtain scars.

That’s when I started to become afraid…Of what I would look like when I would shift back to a human…If it was ever going to happen, I mean seriously, at this time I was a wolf nonstop for at least a couple of years! Did it bother me, yes and no…I was more bothered over Asuna not talking to me then being able to change. Yet, I wasn’t bothered because I had to be a wolf to win, right!? If I was human…Well, let’s just say I was glad I was a wolf when I went to fight another dog!

Not long after, when I was about twelve…Give or take a year or two…They had even wanted to strengthen me or watch an interesting match and put me into an arena with another wolf…

I had won, having about three years of battle experience…But the other wolf was in fact another Shifter, like myself.

I had felt wrong…Everything was going wrong.

Upon seeing that mangled body after the Shifter went human to glare back at me, just before death, I was practically paralysed. Killing a dog seemed ok, especially since it was for survival, yet, for some reason I was unable to accept killing another like myself at the time. I hadn’t come into contact with another Shifter, since my family had abandoned me…Pretty sure at that age, that I was indeed part of a pack, but still unsure which one. But, really, I’d prefer to talk to them, you know. Why the hell would I wanna kill someone who I’d wanna try and befriend!? Why the hell did they want me to do this?

I was really upset with the glare the other Shifter gave me, it was full of anger and rage, yet, I was innocently apologetic and wanted to help them! Hey, can you tell me how to shift back? That would be a great question!

When I had heard that this was going to become my life from then on…I had to leave! I didn’t want to kill anymore wolfs! Even if they weren’t Shifters.

As it so happened, I was still somewhat stuck as a wolf…So, there was nothing else but to try and live as one…

Honestly, I ate like one, slept like one, fought like one…I am wolf…I am wolf!

My wolf had said, all you have to do is ask.

Yeah, I remember, you bitch! Why didn’t she just teach me…But no…Let’s make it hard for the pup who got abandoned uh!?

Honestly, why don’t you think I didn’t ask?

She ignored me, then was opened with me, ignored me, then helped me! She confused me! Sorry, I take that back, she has always, until this day, confuses the hell out of me!

She’s got some kind of aura though, that holds me back from yelling at her. Like some experienced and leadership type of aura that makes me go silent and just nod my head in submission…So annoying. All I can do is pretend I beat her up in my mind!

I closed my eyes, trying to blank out my mind once again. My life held more problems but as it was, being reminded of this was…Depressing…Yeah, let’s not…