26. Melancholy
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I stifled a sigh as I looked at the three gold aurei in my hand. I gave most of them to my girlfriends, but I kept a couple of the gold and silver coins for myself. The Roman coins reminded me of my last few visits to my mater's home. The drachmas reminded me of my villa on Thera. And of the most recent dream, where the modern me showed up at my villa and the two me's met.

That happened Friday morning, and I managed to mostly forget about it for a couple days but now it was on my mind again.

It was about noon on Tuesday, and I was downstairs at my desk. I'd been playing with that Earth-view thing on the computer and I had it zoomed-in on the island where demon-Mara used to live. The place where I thought her villa had been located didn't look right, there wasn't even a slope or anything where I thought it should be.

After some searching I found a place that looked sort of right, but it was in the wrong spot. And there was no trace of her old home. Except after two thousand years, maybe that wasn't much of a surprise. The Earth-view thing just showed shades of green and brown on the side of a hill, overlooking a town called Kamari.

My dream-memories from demon-Mara didn't match the stuff I could see on the computer. Her memories of the different places didn't quite line up with stuff the satellites and maps said. I'd been positive the villa had been at the south-west part of the island, but seeing the maps and pictures, the only place that fit the memories was in the south-east instead.

It was yet another thing that left me questioning if my dream-memories were real after all. Like maybe they were just dreams, maybe none of it was real. Maybe it was all just wishful thinking, like maybe my subconscious was making me believe in this stuff because I wanted it to be real.

Then I remembered conjuring those coins at the end of May. I learned that spell from my dreams, that meant they had to be real since the spell actually worked.

So I was looking at a few of the coins, partially to remind me that stuff really happened, but maybe I also hoped seeing them would jog my memory and help me come up with other reasons all this was real.

Except instead of more memories surfacing I just came up with more doubts instead.

Me and Lily shared our body and our brain. Maybe I learned that conjuration spell from her. Same with the invisibility spell. Maybe all the dreams and stuff I thought were from me being a reincarnation of demon-Mara were really just because of Lily and me having some kind of shared dreams. Like maybe she dreamed of her daughter and I was going along with those dreams and thinking it was really me in a past life.

There were a half dozen other dream spells I'd written down, but the only one Lily said was ok to use was the invisibility one. There were two I really wanted to try, but my demon mom said no.

One of them was a shape-shifting spell that demon-Mara used to disguise herself as human. I wanted to try it since I was convinced I could use it to give myself wings. Lily didn't actually use that spell herself, shape-shifting was a natural talent for her the same as it was for my succubi girlfriends. In fact succubi inherited that ability from Lily. Other demons like demon-Mara needed a spell for that stuff.

The other was a teleportation spell, that could be used to instantly travel anywhere in the world. Demon-Mara didn't use that spell so much because she liked to fly as much as me, or maybe even more.

I wasn't allowed to try either of them, because Lily said they were both dangerous and they both used too much power.

After staring at the coins for a few minutes I finally dropped them back in my desk drawer and sighed again. Instead of feeling better or remembering more good stuff it was all just making me feel worse and left me doubting stuff that I used to think I knew.

"What's troubling you Mara?" Lily asked suddenly. "Would you like to talk about it?"

I was a little surprised, I hadn't realized she was paying attention to me. And something in her tone sounded off, like maybe something was bothering her too and she felt like talking.

"It's nothing," I said with another sigh.

My demon mom was quiet for a few moments, but I knew she didn't buy that. I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about the dream stuff with her though since it upset her, and it seemed like something was already troubling her.

I finally got rid of the maps and stuff on the computer screen then asked, "Hey Lily? Is there anything you wanted to talk about? Is something bothering you?"

She hesitated, like maybe she was trying to decide whether or not she wanted to tell me. Then she replied, "Nothing of consequence."

"Are you sure?" I asked. "If something's wrong I want to help."

This time she sounded a little embarrassed as she answered, "It's fine Mara. I've had some distracting emails lately but nothing that concerns you."

"Aww," I grinned. "Are you still writing your pen pal? I hope she's ok."

My demon mom sounded a bit flustered as she stated, "As I said, it's nothing of consequence."

"Ok Lily," I replied, though I was still fighting a smile. I decided to try and change the subject, since she obviously didn't want to talk about her emails.

"Is there anything we can do to help Grace somehow?"

She asked, "Help her with what?"

"Her family's messing around with her," I explained. "Ripping her off and stuff, and if she tries to do anything about it they'll just mess with her more. And I think she's really unhappy? At least, I get the feeling she's unhappy but she doesn't know how to fix things. Like her family won't approve of the stuff she wants for herself, and she's kind of stuck thinking she needs to please them or whatever."

Lily sighed, "There's not much I can do about that. I can't do anything about her family."

I frowned, "What if she was to sign a contract with you though? Then we could help her right? Like maybe help her with her folks, or at least help her get away from them so she can do her own thing. Are you still taking new applications or whatever?"

My demon mom sighed again, "I'm not sure that's the best course of action right now. And I'm not sure the daughter of a priest would be a good candidate in any case. Exposing ourselves to her could put us at risk, and I'm not convinced she'd be interested in what we have to offer. Or what she'd be expected to do in return."

I pointed out, "She said it was worth signing a contract just to get the eternal youth and health."

"That was when she thought you were joking Mara," Lily countered. "She might have very different feelings if she knew you were serious. And as a part-succubus she wouldn't have eternal health or youth, though she'd keep both for a lot longer than she would as a human."

There was a pause, then she suggested "Perhaps the best thing right now is for you to just continue being a friend to her? We don't need to involve her in anything supernatural for that. Be her friend, be supportive and available for her the normal way."

"Ok Lily," I sighed.

I wasn't happy about it, I really wanted to help Grace with all her annoying family stuff. On the other hand, Lily made a good point. Exposing our demonic stuff to a priest's daughter might turn out really badly for us, like if her parents found out and got their church after us and stuff.

After another few seconds Lily asked, "What else is on your mind, Mara?"

I'd been hoping to forget the dream stuff for a while, but Lily didn't want to talk about her pen pal and talking about Grace wasn't enough of a distraction either.

I hesitated a few more seconds, then finally asked "Is it possible to like, travel through time with magic? I guess I'm wondering if there's a time-travel spell?"

"No Mara," my demon mom responded. "I'm quite sure that's impossible."

"Ok," I sighed. "And is it possible that I could maybe accidentally use the teleport spell in my sleep? Like in my dreams or something?"

Lily was quiet for a few moments before she finally answered, "I don't think it's possible to cast spells in your sleep, but I'm quite certain if you did I'd know it. Especially spells that would take a lot of energy, such as teleporting."

There was another pause, then my demon mom suggested "Why don't you come in here so we can talk face to face?"

I nodded, then settled back in my chair and closed my eyes. A moment later I was with her in her apartment. We gave each other a hug then I sat with her on the big leather sofa.

"Now what's this all about? What's really on your mind?" she asked with a concerned look on her face.

"It's the stuff I've been dreaming about," I replied with one more sigh. "The dream I had last week mostly. When it happened I was scared that I didn't know who I was, like it was really confusing and stuff? And now that I've had a few days to think about it, I guess it's making me question if the other dreams are really real or not."

I hesitated before coming out with it, "Like that dream was so impossible, now-me couldn't have appeared in ancient Thera with demon-Mara, so it had to be just a dream. And if that one was just a dream, maybe all of them were just dreams. Maybe I'm not really your reincarnated daughter after all..."

Lily sat back on the sofa and her eyes drifted till she was staring at the floor with a sort of thoughtful frown.

"You know that theory of yours has always made me uncomfortable Mara," she said in a quiet voice.

I pouted, "I know. And I'm sorry I keep upsetting you with this stuff. But you said yourself I reminded you of her from the very first time we met. And you said you were more convinced I was like her after a few months. And those dreams, they all felt so real? And the stuff in them, like learning actual demonic spells and stuff from my dreams? It all just seemed so real. Except that last one on Friday? After that, now I'm doubting everything. Like maybe none of them are real. Maybe I'm not getting stuff from demon-Mara at all, maybe I'm getting stuff from you? Or just like, making stuff up with my subconscious. Maybe they're really just meaningless dreams."

Rather than answering my question or commenting on my concerns my demon mom looked at me and asked, "Why is it so important to you to believe that you were my child in a past life? Why does that matter so much to you?"

My cheeks started going red and I hesitated again for a few seconds, but I forced myself to tell her the truth.

"I love you Lily," I said quietly. "And maybe I'm doing that thing you used to talk about all the time, like projecting my human emotions or whatever, but I feel like you love me too. I get mom-vibes from you. And like, you even told my mom at xmas that you saw me as a daughter or whatever, right? I don't know, it just feels right that we're related? It feels like you're my other mom, my demon mom. And the dreams were kind of validating? Like they confirmed everything I felt and everything I was hoping for. And now I'm doubting and questioning all that, and it makes me sad and scared."

Lily got another one of those thoughtful frowns on her face, and she stared at some point on the floor again for a few moments.

She finally sighed, "All right Mara, I understand. And you're right, I did tell your mother that was how I felt towards you. It was true then, and it's true now. As for your dreams, I don't know why the one you had the other night was different from ones you've had in the past? But I do know that Susan was correct when she said dreams don't always make sense."

She turned to look at me again and said, "I know you want me to say I believe you. I know you want to hear me acknowledge that you're my long-lost child, that after two millennia we've finally been reunited. I'm sorry Mara, but I'm still not comfortable with that. I'm not ready."

I was about to tell her it was ok and I was sorry I kept bringing this stuff up and upsetting her, but she wasn't finished talking.

"Many of the details you've dreamed of from her life are things I already knew about. Like what sort of a demon my progeny was, where she lived, what her home looked like. I haven't forgotten Melissa's concern, that perhaps I've been unintentionally influencing you. Maybe I am, and perhaps that influence is manifesting in your dreams. Except..."

She paused and took a deep breath, then continued in a soft voice.

"There are things you've uncovered in those dreams that I cannot explain. Some of the things you've learned I did not know myself, and I have no way to verify if they're true or not. If they are true, if you really were her..."

My demon mom sighed and shook her head, "The prospect confuses and frightens me Mara. And it's very difficult for me to admit that."

I looked up at her, then pulled her into a hug as I leaned my head against her side.

"I'm sorry this stuff scares you Lily," I whispered.

She gently wrapped one of her large arms around me and replied just as softly, "It's not your fault Mara. And thank you for your... Thank you for being you."

BTW if you're curious about Lily and her penpal, their email thread is available on our Patreon under the Lily tag. It's an ongoing side-story that's playing out along-side the main story.

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