This program is brought to you New Realities Incorporated. Fantasy Tales Online headsets are available starting at seventy dollars and will transport you into a world beyond your wildest imagination! Live the fantasy life that you have always wanted to live. Kill monsters, raid epic dungeons, fight against other players in massive wars, sail the high seas and climb the tallest mountains, or just live an average life as a farmer! There is a world full of possibilities awaiting you!

“And we’re back. Again,” Oleander says with a sigh, not even properly sitting in his seat. It looks more as if he’s trying to lie down in the seat since his head is almost against the cushion while his lower half and some of his torso are hanging off of the chair.

Rock barks into her microphone, which is hanging by her collar, at Oleander.

“I don’t know, Rock. I’m just not really feeling it this episode.”

Rock barks more.

“No, they wouldn’t let me interview the new character I wanted to interview!”

Rock’s barking noises intensify.

“Yeah, the giant serpent! I wanted to interview her, him, whatever, on the show! But the producers said that it was impossible and illogical because there’s no way that a giant serpent could fit in here!”

Shockingly, Rock continues barking.

“I don’t care how the other guests feel! It’s not the same!”

Perhaps to the surprise of some, Rock stares at Oleander, waits a few seconds, and then barks.

“I don’t care if I’m acting out of character! Let me pout and whine! It’s not fair! How are our ratings going to keep up with that new show? That stupid puppy is outdoing us in his first season, and we’re going onto season five! Maybe Fenny was right about wanting to be like a dog. Maybe we should all just become dogs since apparently being a dog is how you get easy views and ratings. Hmph.”

Rock, giving up on Oleander, turns to face the audience and releases noises from her maw that one could say are similar to a barking noise.

The curtain pulls up and reveals the first special guest!

Rock barks more, trying to introduce her as one of the characters who has been a part of the story since the very beginning right with Fenrir, but has never had an appearance.

That’s right. It’s none other than Saya!

“Pupaya! Pupaya!” the crowd cheers.

“It’s not Pupaya! Hmph!” Saya hmphs at the audience.

“Oh, look, another person who’s gotten more popular recently all because she acts like a puppy. Fawns are totally cuter than puppies,” Oleander pouts.

“At least you’re not being called weird names!”

“I wish I got called cute nicknames…”

“There’s nothing cute about Pupaya! Besides… o-only Fenrir is allowed to call me that. No-not that I like being called that or anything! Hmph!”

“We already have one girl who hmphs, acts like a puppy, and is a blonde tsun in love with Fenny. Do we really need another? Like, aren’t you kind of repetitive?”

Oleander’s words pierce Saya’s heart, causing her eyes to dull and her spirit to fade.

It’s all true.

Even though she was the first girl introduced, and has been a blonde tsundere from the very beginning, there is already a girl much more popular than her whom satisfies those tropes.

“I – I’m not original at all,” Saya says with her shoulders slumped over.

“Nope. You’re just another blonde, tsun, hmphing girl with a petplay fetish,” Oleander confirms.

Saya falls to her knees.

Rock tries comforting her by placing one of her paws on Saya’s shoulder, but it doesn’t work.

“Just… just press the button,” Saya says.

Oleander presses the button, sending Saya dropping down below stage.

“Next, I guess,” he says.

King Cat opens the door to the stage, peeks his head out, shakes it, and then walks away with  the door closed behind him.

“Boring,” Oleander sighs. “Just go to commercial. Let’s get this over with.”

Just as Oleander requested, the commercial for today’s episode plays.

The Queen’s Hound is now available! Have you ever wanted to read about a cute, fluffy puppy going on big adventures, acquiring a vast collection of bones, and seducing all women who come across him thanks to his adorable fluffiness? Then look no further! The Queen’s Hound has everything you need from cute fluff to beautiful vampires and chopping boards pretending to be elves! Check it out now and get a discount on your next visit to Petko!

Oleander comes back onto the screen with the longest, loudest, and most dramatic sigh in possibly all of existence.

“Welcome back, traitors,” he says.

Meanwhile, Rock has been switched into a shirt that is advertising The Queen’s Hound on it by showing a picture of the main puppy character winking and holding a bone in his mouth.

Oleander seems to be ignoring Rock’s existence as a result of this.

“Just bring the last guest out,” he says. “I don’t even know who it’s going to be.”

The stage dims as the lights focus on the ceiling.

Being lowered from the ceiling as dramatic music plays over the sound of a violent ocean, a massive tank full of water with none other than everybody’s favorite serpent makes its appearance!

Oleander lights up and gets all excited before realizing that she’s not the serpent he wanted to see. Instead, this is just that serpent who’s friends with Fenrir and Nell.

“I guess she’s good enough,” Oleander says. “At least that other program doesn’t have a big serpent… yet. Anyways, did we ever even give you a name?”

The serpent pokes her head up and out of the tank to look right at Oleander.

“Uh… I don’t suppose you can talk at all?”

She tilts her head and makes some sort of hissing noise.

Oleander sighs, presses the red button, and planks on the floor as a sign of surrender.

“Rock, do the outro,” Oleander orders.

Rock rolls her eyes and faces the camera.

What comes next is a series of barking that only gets captioned on televisions as, “*Rock noises*.”

The credits roll, the audience is left having no idea how to feel about what they just saw, and Pupaya has an existential crisis below stage.