It didn’t take long after getting into the autocar to head to the airport for Cassandra to demand Ryouta’s attention with a serious tone. “What’s wrong?” she asked, staring straight at him.
“What? Where’d that come from?” Ryouta asked in response, unsure of what she could have been talking about.
“I can tell that something is wrong. So… you can talk to me about it now, since I’m guessing you didn’t want to talk about it around the others.”
“I – I don’t really think that anything is wrong.”
“I already told you that I can tell something is wrong.”
“How?”
“By looking at your face and listening to your tone. You think I don’t know everything about your mood from those?”
“But I’m the same as always.”
“No, you’re not. You look and sound like you’re trying to act like everything is fine.”
“I—”
Cassandra grabbed his hands, holding them in her own as she continued to look into his eyes. “I’m… your girlfriend, so – you have to be honest with me, and you have to let me help you. That’s how this works.”
“I guess that maybe… there are a couple of things that have been bothering me. Sorry. I didn’t mean to lie to you or anything. It was more like… I was lying to myself, I guess.”
“I know. I can tell when you’re doing that, too.”
“Just how well do you know me?”
Well, I love you, so don’t underestimate me. You got that? Hmph.”
“You’re even giving me tsundere fanservice at a time like this. You really do know me.”
“You’re welcome. Now, tell me what’s wrong.”
“I’m worried about what little pride I have left if I do. It’s really stupid.”
“I don’t care. No matter how stupid you might think it is, I want to know what’s wrong.”
“What if you leave me over it? What if it’s so stupid that you dump me on the spot?”
“Now that’s stupid.”
Ryouta cracked a genuine smile and seeing such a smile on his face brought a small smile to Cassandra’s. “Are you sure you want to know?” he asked.
“Do I have to bribe you with wearing a sweater or something?”
“Yes, please.”
Cassandra sighed. “Fine. I’ll wear whatever sweater you want me to wear for you, and I’ll even let you do things while I’m wearing it, if you tell me what’s wrong.”
“Deal.”
“Good. And don’t get used to me bribing you to be honest.”
“I won’t. I was already going to tell you even without the bribe.”
“You better.”
“I promise.”
“Then hurry up and tell me what’s wrong.”
Ryouta sighed, knowing that he couldn’t think of any other ways to delay the inevitable at this point. “Alright. I… got scared earlier. I feel really stupid and like some sort of coward, especially since I’m still bothered by it, but – it doesn’t even make any sense. Look. I have no problem on the road in this autocar. I used to be suspicious of them, but now… I don’t care. But earlier, riding in a golf cart – Alice’s dad took me over to the lake, and he took me by driving an old school golf cart there. He drove pretty fast, and it was a bumpy ride, and there weren’t seat belts or anything, and – I freaked out a little.”
“Did you let him know that anything was wrong?”
“I couldn’t. I was… worried he wouldn’t like me if I did. He’s old, and he still has some beliefs from before, so I thought that maybe he wouldn’t think I was… manly enough, or something, if I admitted I was getting freaked out by riding in a golf cart. I’m the guy he’s trusting his daughter to live with. I want to live up to his expectations so that he can know she’s safe with me. But I’m… not exactly strong. I’m not that tall, I don’t have muscles, I have bad legs, and I get anxious just from riding in a golf cart. There was no way that I could admit to that. And I mean, it doesn’t even make sense. I can fight some hyper realistic giant undead water snake and not feel anywhere near as scared as I felt riding in a golf cart. How does that make any sense? Even if I try to make sense of it by using the logic that like, it’s just a game where I know I’ll be fine, then – I don’t know. I feel like I’m a hypocrite or something if I think of it that way while also wanting to treat AIs and NPCs and all of them like they’re just as real as we are in our world. It’s like I want to believe that they’re as legitimate as us, but then – I don’t even know where I’m going with this. I guess that what he was saying earlier also made me think of Saya and how I treat everything in FTO. I don’t know. I think he’s cool, but – no, I can’t even really bring up any of my issues with what he’s said or done seeing as how he probably would have been happy to act different for me if I would have been honest. I don’t really have anybody but myself to blame for staying quiet.”
Cassandra waited for a few moments to see if Ryouta was going to continue before sighing and saying, “Yeah. You can only blame yourself. But that doesn’t make your feelings any less legitimate.”
“Should I have said something?”
“Yeah. You should have.”
“But what if it made him think less of me?”
“Since when do you care about what people think of you?”
“I – I don’t care what random people on the internet think of me, but—”
“He’s no more important than they are. I don’t care if he’s Alice’s dad. He’s just another person. If he doesn’t like you, it doesn’t matter. The rest of us still do. Nothing he can think will change that. And being masculine or whatever doesn’t matter. Even if you were taller and stronger, I’d still be able to kick your ass. Yeah, you’re not really strong. You’re not that tall and you have bad legs and whatever. It doesn’t matter. None of us care about that, and isn’t what we think about you more important than what anybody else thinks about you?”
“But don’t you think it’s stupid that I got scared from a ride in a golf cart?”
“No. Would I be scared? Probably not, but that’s because I don’t have any trauma related to that sort of stuff. You do. Anybody who judges you for it is an asshole who I’ll be happy to put in their place.”
“You really are more badass than me.”
“Says the one who punched a guy twice his size in the face.”
“When – what?”
“Did you forget? When you came to the place I worked and got drunk. You punched the asshole screwing with me in the face.”
“Ri-right… yeah, that did happen.”
“You need to give yourself some credit.”
“I don’t know if I would have done that if I wasn’t drunk.”
“You might not have punched him, but you probably would have said something.”
“Well… I probably would have.”
“Then that’s enough. I’m not the only badass.”
“You’re too nice to me. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve—”
“Stop. I’m not even going to let you finish that because I already know where you’re going with it. You’ve done tons of things for us but, the main reason why I want to help you with this other than loving you, is just… because you helped me. You helped me become a better person. It was because I – I fell in love with you and wanted to be better to you, and because you were so patient with me and supportive, that I was able to change and… learn to love myself. I didn’t really like myself all that much before, but now I’m confident in who I am. It’s not all thanks to you, but you’re a major part of that. So, now I want to return the favor. You helped me, so it’s my turn to help you.”
“Help me what? I don’t really know what there is to help me with other than letting me rant about how I got scared from a golf cart.”
“I might sound like I’m overstepping here, but… I want to help you become who you really want to be.”
Ryouta leaned back a little, unsure of what she meant. What was she supposed to mean? Help him become like he really wanted to be? All he wanted to do was be less cowardly.
That was all he was able to realize, anyways.
When he really thought about what it meant to become who he really wanted to be, it became more and more obvious.
“Fenrir is your ideal, isn’t he?” Cassandra asked. “From how he looks to how he acts – that’s what you want to be like. Am I wrong?”
“You’re… not wrong,” Ryouta admitted. “But looking like him is impossible.”
“Looking, yeah, but not acting. You’re full of confidence when you’re playing as him. You have no problem saying exactly what’s on your mind, sticking up to people no matter how strong they are and standing up for people no matter how weak they are, you always know what needs to be done, and you never doubt yourself.”
“That’s because – when I’m playing as Fenrir… I have his body to back me up.”
“So, in other words, having his body is what allows you to show your true self. It’s like when you were drunk and punched that asshole. Getting drunk let you do what you really wanted to do. There was nothing holding you back. With Fenrir, there’s nothing holding you back… but only when you’re using his body.”
“I don’t know.”
“And that was why, even when you were worried about not making a good dad, you were still worried when we were in-game because there was nothing about Fenrir’s body that would make you a good dad. You made Fenrir to look strong and attractive and confident, but you can’t make somebody look like a good dad. There was never a mask there to hide behind when it came to that.”
“I didn’t know you were a psychologist.”
“Am I wrong?”
“I don’t… think so. If anything, I think you’re probably right. I’ve been doing that sort of thing ever since I first played an online game with an avatar. Anonymity is comforting and let’s us act how we really want to act.”
“Screw anonymity. People should act the same in real life as they act online. That’s just being honest and true to yourself. If Fenrir was the one listening to Alice’s dad talk about virtual worlds, what would he have said?”
“Fenrir would have told him to stop overreacting and said that Saya and AIs are just as real as humans.”
“What would Fenrir have done in the golf cart?”
“He probably would have gotten out and said that he’d rather walk.”
“And what would Fenrir have done to the asshole who was trying to molest me?”
“Fenrir would have beat him into a bloody mess so that he’d never even think about trying something like that again. And then probably tie him up, sail him out into the ocean, and toss him overboard. Fenrir may or may not have pissed on him before throwing him overboard, too. Also might have stripped him and strung him up on the mast so that everybody could see him naked. And then, after he respawned, Fenrir would have hunted him down and done it all over again no matter how much he begged for mercy. But with extra piss the second time. And then the third time – even more.”
“What’s with you and piss all of a sudden? I love you, but if that’s some new fetish, I won’t be able to help you there.”
“Fenrir is part wolf and all that. It’s a part of asserting dominance.”
“I thought wolves pee when they submit, not pee on others to dominate?”
“I – I’m… actually not sure now. Either way, it’s not a fetish. It’d just be to humiliate him.”
“What if he’s into that?”
“Then I’d find something else and – wait. I don’t know why, but it’s surprising to hear you ask something like that. It’s something I’d normally expect from Serra or Spancer Maybe Alice.”
“Somebody had to do it since they’re not here. Also, Spancer? I didn’t know that you’re friends with a Spancer.”
“Spancer. I meant Spanc—wait. Damn it, I said it again, didn’t I?”
“You did. You’re really struggling with that name, aren’t you?”
“Spencer! Spencer. There, I did it. I know my best friend’s name still.”
Cassandra leaned forward and poked his cheek. “Do you feel better now? You’re actually smiling for real now.”
“I… yeah. Thanks, Cass Cass,” Ryouta answered, grabbing Cassandra’s poking hand and holding it in front of his mouth to place a single kiss on it. “So, basically… what you want to help me do is become more like how I act in-game.”
“Fenrir wouldn’t have allowed any of those things to upset him because he would have stopped them before they had a chance. Fenrir is just you when you’re being honest with yourself and confident. That’s why I want you to learn to be yourself whether you’re in-game or in out of it.”
“Would you say that you’re the same in both?”
“You tell me.”
Ryouta thought about it for a few moments before answering, “Yeah. You are and almost always have been.”
“Only almost always have been. I wasn’t the same before. I was just some girl with dad and boy issues who went to play an online game where I could be a badass angel girl who kicked ass with a bunch of other women. But… that wasn’t anything like how I was in real life. I was too afraid of losing my job, so I had to deal with men always leering at me and wanting to touch me. I would have thrown their food in their faces if I was like Cassiel. Instead, I was afraid and used the game to vent my frustrations. Instead of really being who I wanted to be, I ran away and hid behind an avatar. It’s only because of you and everybody else that I was able to really change and better myself.”
“I don’t think it’s possible to really change somebody. They have to want to change.”
“Yeah, and I wanted to change because I was motivated by all of you. You wouldn’t have been able to make me change if I didn’t want to change myself. So, if you still need the motivation to want to change yourself, then I’ll try my best to give you that motivation.”
“Sweaters. You can motivate me with sweaters.”
“We both know that won’t actually work… but, I’ll wear more sweaters to reward you.”
“I think this entire talk has already motivated me. It helped me realize that I basically don’t have anybody to blame for any of this except for myself, and it all would have been avoided if I just would have been more confident and honest with myself. And I probably was putting too much importance on Will. Then again… he basically funds our lives and is nothing but nice to us.”
“Doesn’t matter. That’s no reason to not hold him accountable.”
“That’s harsh.”
“I already basically cut ties with my family, so what did you expect? If I can cut ties with my family, I can cut ties with anybody.”
“Even me?”
“Even you… if you ever do something that really pisses me off.”
“I can’t even imagine pissing you off anymore. What would I have to do that would warrant cutting ties with me?”
“I… don’t even know. I can’t imagine you ever doing something that would piss me off.”
“I guess that we’re going to be stuck together forever then.”
“It’s – it’s not like I want to be stuck with you forever or anything… you bastard.”
“I’m feeling fired up after hearing that. I can become Fenrir in no time if you give me tsundere fanservice while wearing a sweater.”
“I’ll make you a deal then.”
“What?”
“If you tell Will later that the golf cart made you uncomfortable – if you admit your honest feelings to him, I’ll wear a sweater, give you fanservice, and do anything else that you want. I’ll listen to any order you give me.”
“Even if I order you to wear a dog ears headband?”
“I – I said anything…”
“Including lewd things?”
“Anything means anything. Don’t make me so embarrassed before you accept the deal that I change my mind.”
“You’re the best. But, I don’t know if I can do it. That might be too much for me to tackle right now since I’m still paranoid about him liking me even if you think I shouldn’t worry about it. Maybe—”
Cassandra leaned closer, bringing her lips right up to his ear to whisper a certain offer that made Ryouta’s lips curl into a smile as his cheeks burned red. By the time that she pulled away, she couldn’t even look him in the eyes and was just as red as him.
“Deal,” Ryouta said. “Deal. Just… deal. I’ll tell him how I really felt later. Promise.”
Cassandra sighed. “You’re lucky I love you. I’m not exactly a fan of that being what motivates you to change, but if it works, it works.”
“It’s only motivating me to make the first step toward change. Talking about this is what’s motivated me the rest of the way. Like I said, I know that it’s all my problem. It comes down to me not being confident and hiding behind Fenrir. I’ve gotten so comfortable playing Fenrir all the time and spending most of our time in-game that I… guess I’ve stopped putting in effort into my real self. I don’t even go on walks every night like I used to.”
“Then let’s start again. I’ll walk with you. Besides, with how much I’ve been eating lately,” Cassandra paused and reached down to pinch her side where she was able to pinch onto a bit of a love handle, “I’ve got to start exercising, so we might as well go together.”
“Your body is perfect. It’s even softer now than it was before.”
“Then enjoy it while it lasts because it’s not staying around. I don’t like it. I’m getting rid of it.”
“Don’t get rid of the whole thing, please.”
“I’m not. Only this.” She pulled on her love handle to make a point. “Even my shirts are starting to get tight and I always bought bigger than I needed. And I don’t want to talk about how long it takes to get into my jeans now.”
“But one of the best parts is watching from behind while you try to pull your jeans up. Especially when you jump and wiggle around.”
“I hate you.”
“Was that still fanservice?”
“No.”
“You’re so mean.”
“And I’m going to be even meaner seeing as how I’m not getting dressed in front of you again until I lose weight.”
“No-now… let’s not jump to any drastic extremes or anything. We can talk about this. What if I watch from the front instead? If you’re jumping and wiggling around, it’ll still be a great sho—”
Cassandra tugged on Ryouta’s earlobe to shut him up before he could make her imagine any other embarrassing displays of herself. “Fenrir wouldn’t bully Cassiel over her weight.”
“Y-you’re right, Fenrir wouldn’t. Instead, Fenrir would love Cassiel and everything about her, including watching her try to fit into armor that’s too tight for her now.”
Another sigh left Cassandra’s lips as she let go of Ryouta’s ear. “I changed my mind. Don’t become like Fenrir. Become somebody else instead who doesn’t bully his girlfriend.”
“I’m sorry. I know I’m teasing you, but I really don’t mean to bully you. I honestly find it really sexy when you’re struggling to get dressed like that. I’ve never once thought that it’s a bad thing.”
“How is this not a bad thing?” She stared directly into his eyes as she pulled on her love handle some more.
“Because it’s yours. It gives me more of you to love.”
Cassandra’s eyes widened just a bit before looking away. “How – how smooth. I guess you’re already becoming more like Fenrir if you can be confident enough to say something like that in real life.”
“Seeing your reaction makes me want to compliment you even more.” Ryouta looked out the autocar’s windows to see how close they were to the airport. Going by the scenery that he could recognize, they were still a decent bit away from it. “Hey. Want to make out until we’re there?”
“Wha-what? We’re on the road! And it’s still light out! Other people will be able to see us, so no wa—”
Ryouta clicked one of the buttons on the autocar’s dashboard. Said button caused the windows to dim to the point where almost no light made it through them, giving the two lovers some dark privacy. He then scooted back a bit in his seat to make enough space for Cassandra to climb aboard, and he even patted his lap to show her that was his intention.
“You’re – you’re… you’re kidding, right?” Cassandra asked. “Even if the windows are tinted… people will still be able to see our outlines, and – and this Alice’s dads! We can’t do that in his car!”
“It’s only kissing. Nobody will know if we don’t make a mess.”
Cassandra narrowed her eyes at him. “I know you. You’re going to try and make things difficult.”
“I would never.” Ryouta made sure to sound as sarcastic as possible. “Besides, kissing is good exercise. It’ll get our heart rates up and that burns calories.”
“I really hate that you somehow convinced me with that.”
“I convinced you, huh?”
“Shut up. You already knew I was going to eventually give in anyways. Just… don’t make a mess, and don’t make me make a mess.” She was already climbing over to straddle Ryouta’s lap as she talked.
“No promises.”
After parking at the airport, the autocar’s windows returned to their normal tint to reveal Ryouta and Cassandra sitting in the seats that they started in. Only, Ryouta had a dumb smile on his face and Cassandra had her face covered up by her hands as she repeated, “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. You – you’re such a jerk! I told you to be careful!”
“I’m pretty sure you kept on telling me to go harder, actually. You seemed to really like getting rubbed up against,” Ryouta replied.
“Sh-shut up! You should have listened to me from before I got like that!”
“It’s fine. Most of it got on my pants anyways. And as long as we spray something scented in here later, nobody will be able to smell anything.”
“What about Eva and Aza?!’
“Well, they might smell it.”
“We’re buying something in there to fix the scent.”
“Don’t be so angry. It’s not my fault that you can make the car smell like sex without even having sex.”
Cassandra placed a single hand on Ryouta’s shoulder as she slowly turned her head to face him, her bangs hanging down over her tilted head as she glared directly into his eyes. “If you say. One word. Of this to anybody. I will…”
“You will what?”
“I – I will…”
“You’re so lucky that I can’t think of any innocent threats.”
“Aren’t threats supposed to be non-innocent? They’re not exactly threats if they’re not threatening.”
“Yeah, well – shush. Be quiet. Just… don’t talk for the rest of the day. Everything you say makes me want to kiss – I mean, kill! Kill you. Yeah.”
“I guess that your high hasn’t exactly worn off yet if you still want to kiss. Also, isn’t wanting to kill me about as bad as threats can go?”
Rather than give him any answer, Cassandra got out of the autocar and carefully shut the door behind her. Sure, she wanted to slam it shut, but it was still William’s car. If it wasn’t the car of her girlfriend’s dad, she almost definitely would have slammed it.
And then she would have still felt horrible about it since it was still somebody else’s rented property.
As for Ryouta, all he could do was lean back and take a deep breath. “I’m too lucky,” he sighed. “There’s no way that I should have so many perfect girlfriends. Seriously, what did I ever do to deserve any of them? I really need to start doing a better job of making sure that they know how much I love them. Maybe I should surprise them with flowers sometime. Or make more plans for dates… or—”
The door on Cassandra’s side opened back up, allowing her to stick her head in to ask, “Are you coming or not? Come on, Eva is waiting.”
“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you again if you’re coming?”
Needless to say, Cassandra shut the door again. She slammed it just a little bit harder that time.
Ryouta might not have known what he did to deserve his girlfriends, but he did know that he had to do his best to make sure that they felt just how much he cherished them every single day.
Inside the airport, which proved to be even busier than it was earlier, Ryouta and Cassandra stood around together in front of one of the easily-spottable shops so that Eva would have an easy way to find them. Each of them managed to calm down from everything that happened in the autocar, and they also made sure to fix their hair before coming inside since their post-makeout hairstyles made their activities extremely obvious.
“I don’t see her anywhere,” Ryouta said.
“Think that she got lost?” Cassandra asked.
“It is a pretty big airport. Maybe we should try video calling her.”
“If she doesn’t show up in the next couple of minutes, then—”
Given just how closely Cassandra and Ryouta were standing by one another’s sides, it was incredibly easy for a certain somebody to come up from behind them to wrap her arms around their shoulders while placing her head right between theirs.
“Boo!” a feminine voice shouted. Between the shout and being grabbed onto, it was only natural for Ryouta and Cassandra to jump from surprise.
When they turned to look at who it was, the girl took a step back and waved at them with a smile.
She was the girl from the pictures they had seen over Fiscord before – the girl who was none other than Eva’s controller in real life. With loose sweatpants, a baggy hoodie, brown hair pulled up into a ponytail, and a pair of glasses sitting atop her nose, the mischievous scientist said, “I wonder how many surprise greetings it’ll take before either of you grow desensitized? I’m going to have to perform more tests to figure it out.”
Cassandra wanted to pout, but the rest of her emotions overwhelmed her and forced her to bring Eva into a tight hug. Ryouta joined in after admiring the sight of Cassandra squeezing Eva so tightly that she looked like she couldn’t breathe.
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Thanks for the Chapter!
It's nice to see Ryouta just talk and receive help with his trauma.
...help with his "trauma" huh
Its More like Fck out his Trauma