First of all and most importantly - fuck you.
What do I write, what do I write about
Why am I writing this
For whom am I writing this
Write all thoughts out, write all of them, don't think, don't hesitate be bold. Be blunt. Be direct. Be transparent.
The thing is I don't even think in words half or most of the times. Sometimes words appear out of nowhere, but they can be sensed even before they're in words. You can sense them, you can feel the intention, the purpose. Then the thought is built, given form like in a 3D printer, but words and letters are the materials. How do we know what are they about without words. What are they exactly, what do they look like, what do they consist of, physically, abstractly, morally, whateverly. Fascinating but we will never figure it out, here, at least.
We will not figure out anything here. We will just play with words, thoughts, feelings. Maybe reflect upon them later. Get attentive towards things we wouldn't otherwise.
I got distracted. I am back now. I will write this every time I get distracted, maybe we will be able to find some patterns or logic behind timings of my attention drifting away. Right when I wrote about getting attentive my attention went into the TV, next room. It was a scene with a woman standing on the edge of a balcony, contemplating whether she should jump or not. She didn't in the end.
It would be easier if I just recorded my voice and then turn into the text format. Maybe I will do that in the future. Not now, don't want anyone to hear me.
What should I do now, should I continue. How? Let's make a story up. Or turn this mess into a story somehow. Alright, this is the protagonist. It's based on me, obviously, but it can't be complete me, can it? It can never be, I am bigger, greater, much greater. This is just a fraction of me. I chose "narcissistic protagonist" in the tags, so I can write these thoughts too and make it seem like it was all a pre-planned 200 IQ move. You can't even judge me now, because it's a character, not me. Definitely has nothing to do with me.
What else did I write in the genres and tags? I don't remember. One was charismatic, the other was cowardly.. What else. Well, let's talk about these two for now. As you can already see, I am quite charismatic. You don't often see this type of writing and my way of thinking shows high levels of self-awareness which makes me cool. But if I add honesty and self-deprecation by saying I am also a coward, it suddenly makes things more acceptable. Now you won't hate me as much.
What makes me cowardly, some of you may ask. To some of you it might already be obvious from what I wrote above about your potential judgement or hate. I am cautious of the unpleasant feelings I might get from offended, disappointed, angered, unimpressed readers whom I don't know nor don't even have much respect for. Pathetic people wasting time here reading my bullshit or others bullshit, what went wrong in your life to get to this point?
No, that's too much. Keep it down, chill down. Be polite, be gentle. You might offend people. Don't disrespect your readers. After all something brought them here. Something brought us together, perhaps for something greater in the future. We should value the time and attention we give each other. Some may even call it love.
I could finish this chapter right there, but I didn't. It would be kind of cheesy. Unnecessarily dramatic, foreshadowing about nothing really. There won't be anything revolutionary in the next chapters don't get your hopes up. No twists, nothing interesting. Go read about some video-games, magicians, cyberpunk garbage instead. Numb yourselves with others self-gratifying, onanistic dreams.
Ok, maybe there will be some twists, I just don't have them in the form of words yet. I don't really know how exactly I am going to twist anything, but I see some potential here. I probably ruined the surprise though. Fuck this. Fuck me.
