Sitting there in my chair, near Eleanna, near everyone, while fixing the new painting I am working on, was… a breath of fresh air for me. Arthur, Anthony, and Wulf was talking about games as usual, while Eleanna and Jane were observing and just plainly enjoying me working.
“FUCK YEAH!!”
And… what really surprised me the most, from the stories I’ve been told by mother,, big sis Catherine, and even dad, was that… this girl, this prodigy they’ve been telling me about, a girl that’s beyond just a lady, was… sitting beside me like a hillbilly.
“Wait, did Pinkie just won?!” Arthur was surprised.
“Yep! And you owe me fifty bucks!” She delightfully.
“Damn… well, a deal’s a deal!” He said and gave the fifty bucks he owed defeatingly.
“Never have I imagine that… the girl I’ve been precondition to rival against, is very into horse betting…”
“Aye! It’s fun! And… well, money!” She said joyously.
And… it’s better really! I can’t believe I am being friends with the person that I thought would be my enemy… I can’t believe that I have a huge close friend circle even! This is… just wow… Arthur is right, life is really funny.
* * *
“I am home!” I said, after closing the door and getting inside.
But, weirdly no one was there to greet me, I thought it was funny, but… then I saw mother and big sis Catherin sitting on the couch, in the living room, really tense, really fidgety.
“Anne… please sit.” Mother notice me and… was weirdly cold in her tone.
“What’s going on?” I asked confusingly
“Sit.” And… big sis Catherine was weirdly hostile.
“Okay, okay…” I sat down, confused at what they want to talk about.
“You have been seeing your father haven’t you!” How… how?!
“I… Yes! I’ve been seeing dad!”
“HOW COULD YOU!” Big sis Catherine yelled at me.
“How could I? He’s my father! I have the right to see him! I have the right to hang out with dad anytime I want!” I retaliated back.
“Even though he betrayed us?! He sold the family out!”
“I know, I know… but he is still dad, he even said to me he regretted doing that! He deserves a second chance!”
“No, he doesn’t!”
“Yes, he does!”
“NO, HE DOESN’T!”
“YES, HE DOES!”
“BOTH OF YOU ENOUGH!” Mother, sicked at our bickering, yelled at us both. “You… I couldn’t believe my own daughter… I forbade for you from seeing your father anymore!”
“Mother?!”
“QUIET! You very well know what that traitor did and if I heard him being with you again, I am going to make him leave, his face will never be here in this town again!”
“Mother… please don’t…”
“And there’s something else too Anne! I’ve seen your score report! I’ve heard how you’ve been acting in school! And… carousing with O’Conall?! Are you stupid!?”
“Mother, she’s not what you think about!”
“That’s what she wants you to think! How can you so stupid, that’s it, from now on, you are going to avoid them, or I am going to pull some strings to make you avoid them!”
“Mother why….”
“And leave that club! Your scores are falling, and it won’t look good in your college interview!”
“Mother…” My eyes starting to feel heavy.
“This is the end of the discussion Anne! I won’t repeat myself! This is for your own good!”
“Mother…” And… water is dropping out of them.
I… why is she doing this to me… I finally found something I want to do, found something that mimic the happiness I had with them, but she… she won’t let me… why…
* * *
I was sitting there in my chair… lazily, I… was already alone now. The table reroll happened and I somehow was really far away from them… from Eleanna… I want to go to them, I want to talk to them, but… mother…
“Brooks! Come here!” O’Conall… she asked for me.
I… looked away from her, but it seems it didn’t work as she stood up and went to me.
“What’s going on Brooks?” She was concerned.
“I am sorry, I just want to be alone for now.”
“Hmm… your mother is making you stay from me huh?” She… I mean… yeah, she has always been sharp. “Well, fuck her! I’ve been through this too with my father and we’ll be there for you if she’s going to separate us!”
“You… would do that? For a Brook?”
“We’re the litter of the runt! We’re not going inherit anything major from our family! So, fuck them! And even if we do inherit something big, they don’t have a right to who we befriend! Now c’mon! if you stay here, Eleanna’s going to yell bitch loudly at you!”
“Haha… okay, okay.” I can’t believe this… what she said really makes me happy, this is so generic, the power of friendship and all, but… it’s nice… I can’t take them enough.
After that… I just ignore what mother said, I don’t care, yeah! O’Conall’s right! It’s my life and I get to choose who I like and befriend! I am my own woman damn it! The path I make is my own! Which… hahaha… I can’t believe, that… that future probably happen in some alternate reality.
I was sitting there in front of my canvas in the studio alone, sketching and refining the piece I was about to be embark, until… he arrives.
“Ms. Brooks won’t like what she is about hear, you know…” Damian Argyle… so it’s him that’s been doing my mother’s bidding.
“Tell mother whatever you saw, I won’t be deterred!” I confidently said.
“Ehh… you do what you do, I’ll still get paid in the end! But… I’ll let you in on this! Your mother and the school to some extent, has authorized me to do whatever it takes to keep you away from that group of yours and for you to leave this club!”
“You… you wouldn’t dare!”
“My money is on the line, and if Ms. Brooks wants me to break your painting here… I would do it in a heartbeat!”
“Don’t you dare!” I quickly went in to protect my canvas in front of me.
“Hmm… lucky for you the light isn’t green yet! So… tik-tok Brooks, tik-tok!”
He then left, smirking while exiting the studio, and I… damn it… why can’t I have this, why does she have to do this to me… even though… even though! I’ve been a good girl, an obedient girl… I’ve done everything she wanted me to do, to be, but… when it’s time for what I want… is the possibility of my works being destroyed?! I…. DAMN IT!!!!
* * *
4th of November, 20XX
I… woke up, prepared… for school, study, study… alone, without them anymore, and… can’t step foot anymore in the studio. Went home and, and… god…
5th of November, 20XX
Still the same, maybe… I can role with this, I’ve been alone for all of my middle school life, I can be alone again, but… I saw them, I saw Eleanna, Jane, O’Conall, Arthur, Anthony, Wulf… I saw them six hanging out with each other, playing and having fun… while I… I couldn’t go with them without Argyle doing something horrible.
6th of November, 20XX
I passed the studio, a couple of time, Meyer even spotted me and almost brought me here, but… I was scared… Argyle’s eyes are everywhere! If he saw this… they will be in a lot of trouble, I… ran, I ran from them…
Damn it… why?! Why do I have to suffer?!! Why do I have to endure this… I never asked for anything, but these… the friends that open me, the passion I found… I wanted that… but… god damn it…
I am sick of this, I am sick of this twisted shit mother is making me endure! I… hate her, I hate big sis Catherine… but… what could I do… the only thing to end this suffering… is just to, end it all… yeah… it’s the only way, the only way I could finally rest.
* * *
I was continuing my painting, brushing up and down to fill the blank canvas with the colors I have in mind, and putting some details to give it more depth.
“We’ll be going Anne! Don’t forget to lock the room after you’re don alright!” Meyer, with Brandon and Lynn, said their goodbyes to me.
“Sure!” I said happily, to disguise what I am about to do.
After they close the door, I was finally left alone, left to be with myself and my painting. I looked at it, it was big, still wet from my brushing, and… it will be unfinished. I stepped back, the brush still in my hand, I was thinking to write something on it, a big ‘fuck you’ maybe, or… just a big ‘it’s all your fault’.
I then grabbed my palette, my clean brush. I smeared the clean brush to the black oil and was ready to write it, write it so everyone will know my plight! The tip of the brush itself was about to touch my canvas, but, but… I stopped, I can’t, it’s… still my work, I can’t deface my work, I don’t want to… I really want to finish this, want to show it to everyone, but… mother… AGHHHHH!!!!
TAK!
I threw the brush, threw it hard at the ground making the black paint smear the floor, but then I saw my painting again… it was tainted, the impact of the brush smeared some of the black paint onto my painting… damn it… but, I don’t care anymore, it’s time to end this.
“Yo! Anne…” Wulf… out of nowhere, suddenly appeared. “What happen?” He noticed my brush on the ground.
“I just drop it.” I said dismissively.
“Oh! Well, El and Jane are waiting for you!”
“Tell them I’ll come down, after… you know….” I pointed at the mess I made.
“Oh, yeah! Sure, sure!” Wulf said and was about to turned back, but… “Hey that’s your new piece right?”
“Yeah.”
“Hmm…” He came close to me and my painting. “Isn’t this a bit dark? You usually make something light or wholesome.”
“I… wanted to try something else, can’t call myself an artist if I am just stuck in one place.”
“True, true… but, ehh… even if it’s a different from the usual, I know that you’ll make something good again!” He praised me.
“Thank you… thank you Wulf.” I was… a bit happy, Wulf didn’t batter me nor make a problem of my new piece, I… I am thankful that he is my friend.
After that he left and I was left alone again, with this time, nothing will stop me.
I went to the cupboard where I secretly stashed the rope, the rope that will end this pain, and my suicide letter. I put my letter first and then I knot the rope to a noose and tied the other end on the ceiling. I was already up there, standing on top of the chair, with the noose already at my hand, the last thing to do now… is to end this.
Goodbye world, goodbye Meyer, Lynn, Brandon, I thank you for bringing out the passion I had inside of me. Goodbye dad, mother, big sis Catherine and Eleanor, I love you guys, but… I can’t take it anymore. Goodbye Miss Marie I appreciate that you could always give a good advice to me. Goodbye Jane, Wulf, O’Conall, Anthony, Arthur, you guys were the best for sticking with me. And… Eleanna… oh god…. I am really sorry El, I… just can’t take it anymore, and it’s not your fault, none of this is your fault, so please, be happy without me.
And… I kicked my chair and felt the gravity was about take me, felt my neck was about to be strangle by the rope, felt the sudden force was about to snap my neck, but… my feet, something else happen, I didn’t feel any of it, until I looked down, it was… Wulf?!
“LET GO OF ME!” I screamed at him.
“NO!!” He retaliated.
“Wulf… please… let me go…” I pleaded, I pleaded so I can rest.
“YOU FUCKIN BRAT, NO!!!” He… was adamant on holding up my legs.
BRAKK…
Wulf managed to make me loose from the noose and in an instance, we fell together, crashing hard to the ground and making my painting drop.
I was in bit of daze, Wulf as well as a bit in a daze, but his daze wasn’t as strong as mine because he went straight to me, grabbing my shoulders and…
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!” He screamed again at me, I could feel the anger, the frustration, the… fear in his voice, the shaking of his hands… I, I…
“I… I am sorry, I am sorry…” I cried, I saw what I almost did to my friend, I instilled fear upon them, I… how could I? what kind of friend am I?
“Anne… why would you do that?! How could you do that to me?! To everyone! To Eleanna?!!”
“I know, I know…” I kept weeping.
“Damn it… what’s going on?! Saying you’re going to leave the club, avoiding us, avoiding Eleanna! what the hell is going on Anne!?”
“I just can’t… take it anymore, I never wanted to end this, I never wanted to avoid you guys, but… mother! Mother… I just…”
“Anne… you… goddamn brat, damn it we’re all your friends! Just talk to us…”
I… I wanted to talk about this, I wanted them to help me, but… the things mother would do, the things mother will keep me away from, I… I am powerless… I… am just powerless.
* * *
It was… a somewhat normal evening, I’ve finished checking the assignment I gave to the kids, I’ve neatly stacked the paper too, and… the last thing to do was just… to drink this coffee that Brian made for me, or… so I thought.
Martyn came to me, slightly bruised in his elbows with a weeping Anne… what the hell happen?
But… when he brought us to a more secluded and private place, I was… I never thought I would be subjected to this again, I… I was lost for words for what Anne was about to do the herself, I was… scared, but… thank god… thank god Martyn was there.
“Miss… Marie…” She was surprised but, she was relieved when hugged her, holding her tightly, so that she knows that she’s not alone.
“It’s okay Anne… Martyn’s here and I am here! Talk to us please…”
And she told everything, the reason why she suddenly avoided her group, starting to seclude herself, even why she’s planning to leave the her club… this is unforgivable.
“But what should I do now?! I… I’ve tried to talk with her, I even spoke back at her, but she won’t listen, she never listens…” Anne said.
“How about we come!” Martyn proposed an idea. “We’ll tell her off and we’ll back you up when she starts to argue with you!”
“I… no, I can’t, mother woul-”
“It’s okay Anne.” I cut her off. “Let’s talk to her again, let’s convince her!”
“I… thank you… and I am really sorry…” She still wept, but… it’s okay, one thing kids like her needs to know, is that she’s not alone.
* * *
Ding Dong…
They came… they finally came, I don’t know if this would work, I don’t even know if mother would hear them, but… but, we have to try! I don’t want to live in despairity anymore! I want to freely live my life, I don’t want to became like dad, I want to enact this ambition I have!
“Ms. Maynard! What bring you here this late? And… Wulf, right?” Mother asked.
“Martyn Wulf! A pleasure to meet you Ms. Brooks!” Wulf lengthen his arm to show a good face.
“A pleasure to meet you too…” Mother greeted, but still was confused by their sudden arrival.
“Can we get inside first.” Miss Marie said.
“Sure! Sure…”
When they entered our house, mother guided them to the living room where me and big sis Catherine was watching T.V., they then talk for a moment on the couch and soon enough, my time has come when she sent big sis Catherine to her room and called for me.
“There she is! Now… I’ve heard that your mother forced you to leave the Art Club? Is that true Anne?” Miss Marie asked.
“Like I said Ms. Maynard, I didn’t force her to lea-”
“Yes, she did.” I cut her off and she was shocked by my statement.
“What is wrong with you Anne?! Lying to your teacher and mother?” She was angry now.
“No! You know very well that’s the truth!”
“What truth?! You left that club out of your own volition! You said it yourself that you wanted to leave to study more!”
“How… you, you’re the one that made me increase my studies! Forcing me to leave the club just for a nicer score in the college entrance exam! Even though I explicitly said that I didn’t want to enter the college you planned for me!!!” I was really angry, she’s making me look like the asshole.
“Okay I think that’s enough!” Wulf stepped in. “We already know that you were the one who made Anne distances herself from me and my friends, you already know that you were the one who made her leave her club, and you very well know that Anne talked back at you on not wanting to go to some rich asshole circle-jerk college!”
“How dare you!” Mother was furious by Wulf’s statement.
“How dare I?!” He stood up. “How dare you! You gaslighting bitch! Anne found something that she is passionate about, have you even seen your daughter’s face?! I’ve seen her for a past year and it screams emptiness! It’s like she’s a unplayed puppet! But then that face was gone, I saw an actual human being after she starts to be more active around my friends! Her friends! She even told us about her dream when she joined that club! So, as I said you self-righteous, gaslighting, bitch! HOW FUCKIN DARE YOU!”
The room was silent, everyone was shocked, mother was shocked, I… was shocked at this sight… I never knew Wulf could be that articulate, could be that wordy… I always thought of him as someone who can only speak in a vulgar and crude tongue, which… he still did, but… again, this is the first time I am seeing him so articulated on what he feels… towards me.
“Get out…” Mother reached her point. “GET OUT!” She stood up to intimidate Wulf and Miss Marie.
“And that’s your response?!” Wulf was as livid as mother. “I said the truth about your daughter and you’re wilfully ignoring it?! Fuckin typical…”
“I SAID GET OUT!”
“Mother!” I tried to stop her.
“And you! You, ungrateful brat! You dare to defy me?!”
“YES! Because I know now that I never wanted this, never asked for this! I never wanted anything! I never asked for you to buy me frivolous things, to rigged some minor competition, to get me something unattainable! I never asked anything for my life, except for this one! This one mother! The very thing that gives me a purpose to life! I am not walking in a foggy haste anymore! I am actually seeing the goddamn road for once! Can’t you please just give me this! Give me the very thing that will make happy!”
“NO! Do you know the road you think you would be happy with?! Do you know the mud you have to cross and the blood you have to spill just to be on that road?! And there is still the goal you have to reach. How many sacrifices can you make? How many ideals can you tarnish? How many morals can you break?”
“I…”
“NONE! You are not that kind of person! You are not the person to cheat to get where you are, to defame someone to get where you are, to make a pact with the devil to get where you are!” She stopped for a moment to get her breath. “Anne… I’ve set up this road so you can have a nice future, a nice life, a life where you don’t have to sacrifice much! I don’t want you to be like me, your father! I want you to be free of sin!”
“But… can you even call it a life?! Can you really call that living?! I want to be alive mother… I felt that when I became friends with Eleanna and Jane, heck even with O’Conall… and then I found my calling when Meyer invited me to the club… Mother, please…”
“NO! This the end of the discussion, now go to your room!”
“No, I am not!”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM YOUNG LADY!”
“NO, I AM NOT!”
“I SAID GO TO YOUR ROO-”
TAK!!!
“That’s enough!” Wulf… again, shocked us as he slammed his feet to the floor. “You clearly don’t know your daughter and is blinded by some kind of trauma, some kind of overprotectiveness! And even if it’s justified, it’s not something that should strangle Anne!”
A brief silence again, mother was preparing something, I don’t know what, but it was going to be devastating, but… Wulf stopped that as he.
“You know what! Leave your mother, leave this house for a week or two! You don’t need to be subjugated into this sick twisted logic! I have a spare bedroom if you want!”
I… I don’t know… it was quite out of nowhere, this suggestion… but, he was right, I don’t need to be inflicted with their twisted logic, foul scars, I don’t need that!
“Yeah! I’ll stay with you for a week or two!”
“Don’t you dare!” I stepped towards Miss Marie and Wulf. “I said don’t you dare!” I then went with them as I picked my phone and wallet on the counter. “I SAID DON’T YOU DAR-”
“Ms. Brooks, I refrain for you to shout this loudly at the night and disturb the peace! Anne has chosen and she is seeing it through! Deal with it.”
“…fine! Get out of this house! Get out of the house that took care of you! You selfish brat!”
It hurts me, hearing that this might be the last words my mother will say to me, but… fine, so be it.
* * *
We were sitting in Wulf’s living room, contemplating, thinking, planning on what to do now. I don’t want to go back to how it used to be but mother… I knew from the start that she won’t change, she won’t give me the very thing that I want, but… maybe, just maybe with more third parties involved, mother would budge!
Clicked…
Our trance suddenly broken as Wulf’s front door suddenly opened and closed by… his mother.
“Marie…? What are you doing in my house?” She said… quite coldly.
“Helping a kid that your son is helping.” Miss Marie… said quite coldly too.
“Ohh… ehh… I think there’s juice and a couple of beers in the fridge, I’ll be in my room if you three need anything.”
“Thank you, Felicia.” Miss Marie thanked Wulf’s mother.
“…” But Wulf… he was silent, a bit conflicted from his face. “Mom!”
“Yes?” She turned back, though lazily, her tone was somewhat excited.
“I… ehh… it’s nothing, I’ll call you if we need you.” She nodded as she went back to her room.
“You want a beer?” Miss Marie… offered Wulf beer… even though he’s a minor!
“No, not today, I’ll go with water for today.” And… is he implying that he’s a drinker?!
“Ehh… you drink?” I asked with a concerned tone.
“Yeah…”
“Why?” Now I was genuinely concerned.
“It’s because of Felicia.” Miss Marie after taking a can of beer, went back to us and spilled this as she was popping open the can.
I knew… I knew that already, that’s pretty much the reason why he is helping me in the first place, but… as I saw him again, saw his purple eyes… his pained purple eyes, I… thought that he was just sympathizing or had a somewhat rough yet not the same life that I had. But… he drinks and from his response, this has been a long rodeo, I… am not in the position to tell him off, but… he is really like me.
“Okay let’s get to business! What do you want to do now Anne?” Miss Marie after chugging some of the beer, asked.
“I… I want to paint, I want to follow my calling, but I’ve already told you… mother won’t listen.”
“And suicide was the answer?”
“I…”
“You know I think your mother had a point, the road you are want to go through is a road of pain, a road of trials, you need to do a lot to get to your goal.”
“But I am willing to do that! I am fine with the obstacles!”
“Okay then, say you finally got on that road, like Dorothy on the yellow brick road. Now I want you to answer this, what do you have so you can stay on that road?”
“If mother just come to her senses, I would have everything I need to stay on that road!”
“If.” She… damn it, points out the flaw. “You know very well that your mother won’t support you in this endeavour you seek, you’ll be alone, walking on that road, you might found people there, but you can’t trust them, they have their own goals, and they won’t hesitate to kick you out of that road if it meant for them to be two steps ahead of their previous post.”
“…” I… I don’t how to refute this… her logic, her reason, its… solid.
“But… I am not very fond on the fact that, like I said, your answer was suicide! Parents do have a right to set up a nice future for their child, but it all means shit if their kids’ answer is suicide!” Miss Marie was very passionate on the statement she made. “I have someone, she’s in Genoa last time I checked, and I can bring her here to help you stay on that road, but I don’t want none of this pussyfooting you just did in front of me, be resolved! Be confident in what you want! Because if she smells any second thoughts, her answer will be a ride alone to her home.”
I can do this, I can do this! I need to do this, Miss Marie is giving me a golden ticket! No fucking around Anne! You can do this!
* * *
“Maya? Last time I heard that name, I almost died.” Felicia, as always, still is a bit jaded when it comes to Maya.
“Ohh c’mon! You know that was an error from her intelligence officer! But let’s not get side tracked here, I didn’t mellow you down with a piece of my cigarette just to reminisce about old stuff! It’s about Martyn! You know very well he wants you to be with him!”
“I know Marie… but… I just can’t, I just…”
“He’s not Henry! He was and never will be Henry, Felicia! I know that you know… that the apologies will never be enough to make him forgive you, my dad learned that the hard way. Playing on the background will not help, you know kids, the ones who shows up are the only thing that matters to them, and your kid needs that badly, if you’re just there, he might, just might start seeing you as a mother again.”
“…” She was silent.
“You know what… fine, make your kid hate you more, give him more ammunitions to not invite you to his important days.”
“…” Again, silence, it has always been her favourite option.
“Ughh… speaking with you has always been a chore! Felicia! I am saying this and only this, something is going to happen, Martyn will make something happen, so be prepared!” I then left her porch, left her to with what I said, I hope… she will come through, I know deep down she wants to atone.
* * *
We were sitting in a café near the beach, Wulf was sitting right beside me as in front of me sat Miss Marie and Ms. Fridman, Maya Fridman, she was the person that Miss Marie was referring to yesterday night.
I couldn’t make anything of her, I couldn’t really tell who she is from a glance, there’s nothing really much I could tell except for the things that Miss Marie has told me about her. She was born in Israel, pretty much Jewish, but she was raised in Cabourg, France. Her life were more or less surrounded with the sea and everything it offers, and its beauty was the first thing that she wanted to capture.
“So… Brooks, you said you want to follow this passionate you found?” She said with a very thick French accent.
“Yes! Ms. Fridman! I… found this calling, I found this road I want to be in! I’ve suck every hour I’ve had into this as I wanted to see through, but my mother… she… she doesn’t want me to.”
“Then why don’t you follow it yourself? From a glance, you seem like a very resourceful girl, the fact that you could make Marie here call me, means you are a resourceful girl!”
“I… I’m not, as much as I think and want to say I can do this alone… I can’t…”
“Have you even tried it? Try doing it alone?!”
“No… I haven’t.”
“So, tell me this, why should I help you? Why should I help a brat that hasn’t even try to defy the odds?!”
“I… I…” She’s… right, through out this shit, I… I’ve been only relying on Wulf, on Miss Marie, I never did it alone, never defy mother alone, the only thing that I almost did alone was killing myself… I… NO! I want to this! I want to follow this calling! ANNE! You found this calling! And Wulf as well as Miss Marie is helping you to get this calling! I have to convince her! “Because I want to live! I don’t care about the plights of the road ahead, I don’t care about the troubles ahead! I am finally feeling alive after so many years where I just sat like a puppet… I don’t want to became like my dad… I don’t want to look back with regret at the safe and happy things my mother is making me go through, I want it to be something I can actually laugh at…”
“…” Astounded maybe? I don’t…. know, her face was just so opaque. “Your fire is… somewhat familiar…”
“Felicia’s?” Miss Marie asked.
“Oui! Yes! Your fire really reminds me of hers… hmm… fine! But we still have the matter of your mother, consent will never be given by her I presume.”
“Yeah…”
“Welp here’s my cue, here!” Wulf from his pocket, grabbed something and gave to me… it was… my suicide letter… “Obviously you have to be alive, but the only way we can make you disappear without being a runaway, is to have you dead, legally.”
“So that’s why you brought us here to the beach… you are indeed Felicia’s kid.” She praised Wulf with her thick French accent.
“This night! You’ll go back to your home Anne, make one last ruckus with your mom and then run here! Also don’t forget to leave your phone and wallet back in your home! We don’t want anything to spoil this secret.”
“Martyn… you, you know that you are asking me to leave everything! Everything I know!”
“Yes… El… Jane… everyone will be sad I know, but… this the only way Anne! Your mother won’t change her mind, your father can’t raise you without being harassed by her goons, we can’t keep you around without her being a problem in our lives! I know, I know… this is too much to ask, but… this is the first step Anne! What your mother, what Miss Marie, what Ms. Fridman here has been talking about, the sacrifices you have to make!”
“I… I…” NO! No pussyfooting around anymore Anne! This is it, this is the moment! “O-okay…”
And we waited there, waited until the sun was down, the people were gone, the café’s closing, and just us four… I went back to them, went back to the home that I was raised at, stopping for a moment before entering, to remember this house, this house where my family was.
I entered and soon… mother leapt to me.
“Ohh my god Anne!” She said in relief. “I am sorry, I am sorry, that I yelled at you, made you embarrass in front of your friends! I am really sorry! I… You can be with your friends! I won’t control you on that matter anymore! You can even be friends with the O’Conall girl if you want, just… stay with me please…”
I… this is what I’ve been wanting to hear, wanting her to think about, I wanted her to change, to let me be and go, I want her to do that, but… she never once said anything about my calling.
“So does that mean I can do whatever I want?”
“Yes honey!”
“Whatever it is, even if it doesn’t align with what you had in you store?”
“Yes! Yes, it’s okay!”
"Even meeting dad occasionally?"
"Y... yes, he is your father... and you have the right to see him." There was resistance, but she came through.
“Then… can I follow my passion?”
“Y-y… NO! Anne listen to me! You’re not the person to throw someone out of the bus just to be ahead of him! I can… tolerate whoever it is you want to befriend! and... even though he's a traitor, I realize now that he is still your father, so... fine, you can meet him occasionally! But! this foolish dream you have, cease it right now!”
I knew it… She won’t change, she didn’t even say she will be fine with whoever I am with, god… mother… I’ll miss you, I’ll miss dad, I’ll miss big sis Catherine and big sis Eleanor… goodbye.
I left my phone and my wallet at one of the counter, and moved back to the front door.
“Anne! Where are you going!?” Her tone... same as before, angry.
“I need to go…” I said to her as I left.
“You… YOU! FINE LEAVE AGAIN! LEAVE YOUR MOTHER AND SISTERS!” I… can’t believe this really will the last thing I hear from mother…
* * *
When I arrived, they were already at the sand, waiting for me, waiting to start this.
I went to them and said everything is done on my part and as he heard this, Wulf asked for my shoes, I gave it to him. He wore a glove when grabbing my shoes and then lay it down in the sand, pointing towards the sea, he then asked me to take out my suicide letter and put it on the shoes.
“Suicide by sea... even if it’s fake, I always thought that the sea would be the only thing that I wouldn’t defile.” Ms. Fridman said, somberly.
“Sorry…” Miss Marie apologized.
“Ehhh, It’s okay! I knew already that nothing will be sacred anymore, when I joined the agency.”
And… that was it, I’ve sealed my path, my fate, there’s no going back… there’s only the horizon I have to reach, that thing across the sea…
“Where are you going?” Martyn suddenly grabbed me.
“I am not going, any... where...” I realized… I stepped pass my shoes, stepped the... wet sandy ground. “Is... is this the right choice Wulf? Is this the only path I have to walk?”
“I don’t know… but Miss Marie has always said that paths are tricky, right now it may seem like it’s the only way, but somewhere in the future it might show another path that we could have taken in the past.”
“Then… I should find the other path right!”
“I… don’t know, I… I mean yeah you could find another Anne, but do you have the time? It’s a now or never situation I am afraid…”
“It’s just… I am going to miss you all, I know that this is one of the sacrifices I must make, but… god… I just can’t believe I am really going to be alone in this road.”
“You’re not! Well… for now at least, me and Miss Marie will still be here with you, Ms. Fridman will then be there for you, but if you really don’t want to be alone, then… I can still be with you! I’ll find a way for us to talk, I promise you won’t be alone!”
As I heard his promise… the promise that I won’t be alone… I… I shed a bit of tear, a tear of relief and happiness, because… I can’t believe I found someone that is willing to stick with me…
“Thank you, Wulf… thank you…” I thanked him, thanked his soft heart.
“It’s okay, and can you please just call me Martyn! We’ve known each other for two years now!”
“Okay… haha… I am glad that I was wrong about you Martyn and I guess… my worries for Eleanna loving you is just nonsense.”
“Loving?! Wait… El loves me!?” He was over the moon when he heard that from me.
“Oops… haha…”
“Ehh… I… Ehh…” And… like Eleanna said, inside that overly friendly and crude mask, is a cute mumbling boy.
* * *
The waves were crashing as usual, hitting and running away from the sand, the rocks, the corals, it was… normal. Nature was doing its usual routine and nothing would stop it, even if a flock of people with candles in their hands, are mourning someone beloved that has been taken from them.
I could see Eleanna, Jane, and Gregorson in the front. They were crying, mourning, in a lost… it was expected, she was their friend, someone they knew and care for.
Anne’s family was also expectedly grieving, her sisters, who Anne has told me that they’ve been fighting since their parents’ divorce, reconciled as they hugged and tried to soothe each other’s pain. Her mother on the other hand… she was more than hurt, she was beyond whatever pain the others are having. Anne is still her daughter after all, losing your child is like losing a part of you, nothing can’t replace that, nothing can’t mend that, but… this is her doing, she drove Anne to take extreme measures.
Other than that, nothing was too out of the ordinary, though I spotted someone not far from the crowds, on the ledge, a somewhat aging man, wearing a fedora and a trench coat. I got a glimpse of his face and he was crying, pouring nonstop, but… he stood like a rock, maybe he doesn’t want to succumb to the pain, maybe he just don’t want to attract any attentions, he is wearing a very conspicuous clothing, but other than that… the man is most definitely Anne’s father.
I’ve seen him around the school’s gate, talking so familiarly and happily with Anne, even bringing her to downtown for dinner and such, even though he’s banned from seeing her daughter by his ex-wife. He is good man, I know it because seeing him acting like the father he is to Anne irks me a lot.
“Anne…” Arthur, crouching on the sand, called for Anne’s name in disbelief. “Why would you do this...”
“How could we didn’t see this?” Tony was in disbelief as well, trying to process whatever this is me and Anne are subjecting them to.
“Suicide… has always been fickle, predict it has always been a hard game…” Meyer, hands in his pocket, staring piercingly at the memorial, said in disbelief also.
“…” I stayed silent, I don’t need to fuel anything here, we made this tragedy after all.
“But… it’s funny, out of all the methods, she chose the sea…” Meyer suddenly began to be suspicious. “You know, the statistics for finding the body in the sea has always been, very abysmal…”
“What are you implying Meyer?” Arthur… there was hope, but… there was anger too in his tone.
“I don’t know… it’s just a very nice coincidence, right Wulf?” He turns towards me, piercing my eyes, my face, with such suspicion.
“I... don’t know too… coincidence is still a coincidence, Meyer…” I kept my poker face, but… I couldn’t help but to stare back at him.
“Is that so…” He was… he was definitely on to me, he smells the rot and… damn this is going to be difficult. “But then again… it’s her, it’s kinda of fitting. There’s always been this restlessness I noticed from Anne and being taken by the sea, has a sort of peaceful ring to it… I do hope her soul finds peace…”
“Me too…” I guess… that was just my paranoia.
After that we went back, went back to school and continue the memorial in the school’s auditorium. The room was in a somber mood more or less, with an atmosphere so thick that cutting it would be like cutting a brick. But it was expected, this is a mourning period after all, and the awareness speech made by the principal pretty much is in tune, what it is not in tune is… Anne’s mother.
I expected some cry here and some feeling of lost there, predictable stuff that would happen in this kinds of events but… this bitch… she didn’t even try to show her grief, she was... mad. She began saying things that seems like someone coerced Anne to doing this, someone drove Anne to do this, she didn’t point fingers yet, but the direction of her eyes were pretty much saying it all.
Her eyes were staring at Meyer, at Gregorson, at Morton… three of them were in intense scrutiny from her eyes, I really hoped at that point it’s just that… but, god damn it, she has to have a villain, has to have a person to vindicate, even though, she is the villain!
She yelled at them, said awful things that they took her daughter, that they dragged Anne to the abyss she is in, it was… it was, infuriating, I can’t… can’t take it anymore from her!
“SHUT THE FUCK YOU TWO FACED BITCH!!” The room were more than shocked now, as their heads turned towards me, surprised at what I just said, at what I just yelled. “YOU KNOW VERY WELL THAT SHE IS UNDER THE SEA BECAUSE OF YOU!”
“How… DARE YOU!!” It baffles her, it maddens her more to the point she went down from the podium and was about strike me, but… she’s no match with a fencing kid. “Agh….” I hit her, hit her hard in the face, but she didn’t get the memo as she tried to strike me again. “AGH…” This time I didn’t slap her, I was mad, too mad to give a restrained strike as I used my fist, and… I couldn't take it anymore as I continued my punch at her.
“Martyn!” Arthur… thank god, he pulled me before I did something horrible.
“She’s dead because of you! You controlling manipulative bitch!” I screamed at her. “She found a life, found friends, found a passion, and you took it away from her! You drove her to that abyss! She was happy damn it!” She was happy, she was like any normal high school girl with Eleanna and Jane, but she… has to drove her to this. “Have you seen her paintings?! all of them are beautiful, all of them were meticulously crafted by her from the bottom of her heart! It was her passion and you have took it away from her!” Anne was gifted, she found her calling, not like me who is still slumped in this perpetual darkness. “You know what! Meyer! Morton! Bring down the one she was working on! The big one!”
As Meyer and Morton left in hurry to bring what I ask of them, Arthur let me go, though of course he was in the middle between me and that bitch, separating us from making things uglier.
BRAK!!
After a couple of minutes, Meyer and Morton, sweat could be seen on their brows, slammed the door, somewhat dramatically, while bringing the painting, the unfinished painting Anne was working on.
They then gave it to me and I show it to her.
“This… look at this!” I showed the canvas, showed the dry painted half of the canvas and the other half that is still a sketch. “This is what your daughter is now! Incomplete… she’s… damn it, incomplete…” I was… on a somewhat verge of tears, saddened because she as a person will be incomplete in others' eyes. “Anne was amazing! She knew her strengths, she knew that change is inevitable, she knew what… she wanted…”
Anne’s mother… she was… at first still livid, but… when I said everything I had in store in me, everything I thought of her, especially the incomplete part, she… stared at her daughter's painting. She looked at it, with… eyes of regret, eyes of… guilt, she finally realize now, as she broke down, grabbing and hugging her painting.
“I am sorry…” She wailed in pain, realizing her fault. “I am sorry Anne…”
This was… something, something I never imagine I would do, I was… honestly a bit proud of myself, but then I heard the sound of a chair behind me scraping… it was mom, when I turned…
Our eyes locked at one another, I was waiting for her to go to me, waiting for her to say she’s proud of me, hugging me, saying it’s okay… I want that, I hoped for that, but, but… why… why is she backing up? Why is she turning? Why is she… why do hate me mom, what did I do? What did I exactly do to deserve this hate… please… I want to know…
When the memorial was over, me and Miss Marie went back to her place where Anne and Ms. Fridman was waiting for us, waiting for what’s the next move will be. But when we arrived, when I opened that door, Anne leapt at me… she, was crying, crying out of relief and happiness, saying thank you over and over again.
Apparently, she heard and even saw everything, everything I did towards her mother, it was Miss Marie more or less, she vid called Ms. Fridman and she showed it to Anne.
“But this doesn’t change anything Anne, your “death” is the reason why she admits everything, there’s no going back.”
Miss Marie soured the mood a bit, but… she was right, there’s no going back now.
* * *
I saw him… I saw that figure again inside of him… inside of Martyn… I saw Henry again inside of him. I saw the frustrated, the courageous, and the ever-brave actions he has inside… I… hate Henry for leaving us and I… did horrible things to his son, my son... my one only son just because he looks like him.
I am sorry Martyn… I can’t do this, I can’t be your mother, because… I don’t deserve to be your mother… the horrible things I said, things I did to you, all of it are unforgivable. Nothing will absolve me of the pain I inflicted upon you… so please, leave me, leave me to rot, because that’s what I deserve… be happy, please…
* * *
“Humf… and here’s the last one.” Martyn puts my last suitcase on to the airport’s trolley.
“Thank you, Martyn.” I said with an appreciative tone.
This is pretty much the end of the line, only a step away from me to board into that plane. But Miss Marie and Ms. Fridman detoured for a moment to go to the bathroom, leaving me with Martyn.
I want to say something, say goodbye, say thank you, I want to… I want to stay, with Eleanna, Arthur, Alice, Anthony, Jane, Martyn… All of them! This is tearing me apart because I really felt like I was apart of them, apart of their funny weird family, I still want to be with them, be with Eleanna, with him… they both know how I feel, know exactly that pain, but, but… I can’t… I choose this and Martyn’s effort would mean nothing.
“Europe huh… Paris? London?” Martyn asked, trying to dissipate the silence.
“Prague, but we’ll be moving again in a couple of weeks…” I answered.
“Ohh…” He went silent for a moment, probably thinking on what to say, what to say before I am truly gone.
“Thank you, Martyn.” I surprised him. “For everything! Everything you have done is no short than a miracle, you stood up for me, you changed my mother, you… were there for me… I, I know this is hard, you found another you after all, hehe, but… I hope… no!” I don’t want this to be the end. “I won't consider this as a goodbye! This is-”
“But this is a goodbye Anne.” He cut me off… why did he cut me off?! “You know the line we have crossed, you know very well too that there are no more ‘us’ anymore after, that…, because nothing will ever be the same and you can only move Anne.”
“I know! I know… but, thinking about it again, makes me realize… that, how could I abandon Eleanna, Jane, you, everyone! I…”
“You’re not abandoning anyone Anne, I mean we’ll still talk through a secure line right?”
“Yeah… but…”
“You’re doing this Anne Caroline Brooks, there’s no going back, people are already hurt that you are gone, people are changing and doing things in your name because you are gone, and I… can’t handle another spoiled brat having second thoughts!”
“I am not a spoiled brat!” I hate that word, he knows I hate that word, but… he’s right… I am being a spoiled brat, I... need to do this, the die has cast after all. “I… I really, really, just going to miss all of you!”
“Me too…”
We stared at one another, stared at the very face that knows each other’s pain, memorizing its features, memorizing its looks, so that we can’t forget, can’t forget someone dearest to us.
“There they are…” I noticed Miss Marie’s and Ms. Fridman’s return from Martyn’s back.
“Ahh yeah…” He turned to see them beginning to be closer to us.
“I really am going to miss you all, Eleanna especially, but… there’s one person that I really, really going to miss and it hurts me the most because I realized now… I love him.” I love him… I love him very much, I want to be with him, I want to spent my life with him, he gave me everything, stood up for me, he… even though he doesn’t and won’t love me back, it… hurts me to never see him again.
“Who is it?” Hearing this he turned towards me with excitement for the answer.
“It’s… you, I love you Martyn.” And then, as he was fully right in front of me, I leapt, leapt my head towards him and pressed my lips to his.
I then moved back, blushing out of my bold move. But for him… shocked? stunned? Maybe beyond that? But… what is he thinking right now? Is he, oh no… oh no, no, no, no, no, NO!
“Mar…!” I feared his soon to be reaction. “Martyn, Martyn! MARTYN TO EARTH!!”
“I… ehh…” He blabbered like an idiot.
“Martyn, you love Eleanna!”
“YEAH! Yeah! Yeah… I love Eleanna.” That affirmation soothed my heart. “But…”
“Martyn?!” I was really scared now, oh god… why did I kissed him?!!
“Yeah! I do love El! I swore to every god in this world! I love her!” Oh thank god… “But…” BUT?! “it’s not about that… it’s… me?!”
“Ohh God… I really am going to regret this, am I…?”
“Y-yeah! Why… w-why me? Out of a-all… when? How? WHY?!”
I stared at him for a moment, thinking… is this really the man that changed my life? That used great words and fist to change my mother? But then I remembered… Eleanna did say he was a bit of a doofus. “El really was right,” I shook my head. “You are doofus… haha… the answer is already there Mar!”
“But!” He stopped, then collected himself and soon realized of course, what he has done for me. “Yeah… I can see it now… haha…” He chuckled too in the end, laughing at his out of nowhere denseness. “Also… you do know that was my first kiss right?”
“Hey El’s going to have all of your firsts! You two are going to spend the rest of your lives together too! And I can’t ever meet you again! So, at the very least, I want to know how it feels to kiss the man I love! Hahaha…” I laughed. “But… in all seriousness, take care of her Mar, You and Eleanna belong with each other, make her happy please, make more happy memories with her so she won’t remember the bad stuff.”
“I will.” He knows the assignment, he always knows the assignment, and he always do it gladly from the bottom of his heart.
* * *
“And, well… she’s still there somewhere in Europe, living her dream, living her new life… I know this is really surprising to hear and I am really sorry for keeping it from you guys, making you both feel like you failed to save Anne.” I said to them.
“Where in reality, you three, Alice, Anthony, and Jane, actually did saved Anne!” Miss Marie, said in a relieved tone.
“…” Arthur and Eleanna were silent, shocked rightfully so.
I then went in to hold Eleanna’s hands to comfort her as I said. “And El… I really, rea-”
“Don’t touch me…” She… pulled her hands. “I…. I need to go.” She pushed me away and left.
“El?”
“NO!” Her screamed shook the room. “I… I can’t take it anymore... I don’t want to see you right now.” She then left.
“I’ll get her…” Miss Marie stand up too to follow Eleanna.
This is what I feared, what I… didn’t want to see and hear. I am really scared, scared now of Eleanna’s hating me, Arthur… hating me… and damn… Arthur, he was still silent like before, only staring at me, with confusion, shock, and please…. Just please, not of hatred.
But… he suddenly smacked my head. “That’s for making us think we failed her.”
“Ow…” Though his smack was quite hard, it was a somewhat relief. “So… you’re not mad?”
“Not mad? I beyond mad Martyn!! You kept the very thing that would ease my heart, Eleanna’s heart, Jane’s heart, Tony’s heart, ALICE’s Heart! Anne was more than just a friend Martyn! But… fine, I get it, the less people know, the less the secret gets out of the bag, and… you’re also single now.”
“I guess I am…” I smiled in relief, grateful for his usual understanding.
“Martyn… Martyn, Martyn, Martyn, Huh…….” He took out a huge sigh. “And here I thought, Jill’s crush on you might just be a temporary thing, if she knows who you really are.”
“Jill had a crush on me?” I was actually surprised by Arthur’s statement.
“Yeah, and why do you think I agreed to be her BL model in the first place?” Arthur explained. “And it’s not just her, a lot of people actually had crush on you, even Mikey had a crush on you.”
“He’s gay!?”
“Bi actually, but yeah, he swings that way.” He explained. “Which to be honest… it kinda make sense, you are an enigma in that school! Not only are you a rich kid that’s free from the obligations of being, a rich kid, but you also offer something that rich kids there wanted, someone who will stand up for them and smack the living the shit out of their parents. It’s crude, it’s hella violent, but… it’s something that they wanted and might even need.”
“Hmm…” It’s nice… it’s nice to hear that from Arthur. “Ughh, damn it… El hates me now, what should I do Art?”
“Nah… she can’t hate you, you both have shown that your love isn’t just a fleeting thing… she’s just upset, rightfully so! You kept the very thing that would lift the guilt that’s been eating her for… 2 years now? But other than that…. welcome aboard buddy! To this train we call being single!”
“Ahh…” And… well… this the consequences, the consequences I have to face.
* * *
I was sitting on a bench, watching the clock, seeing the hour hand exactly at 1 and the minute hand pass 6…
What’s taking him so long? Didn’t he promised to vid call me 30 minutes ago?!!
I then stood up from the bench, went back in to the building and overseeing my gallery display. They were a lot of people there, seeing, admiring, trying to make sense of, and, well… just enjoying my artwork all around…This is all thanks to him, thanks to Martyn, if it wasn’t for him I couldn’t possibly be here showing of my skills as an artist.
But damn it… he promised to vid call me! He begged, begged many times to see my first gallery exhibition! Even though that would jeopardize the secret we are keeping… but… I folded, I actually really do want him to see the artworks I have made the past year, I want him to praise me, I want him to be amazed… BUT WHERE THE HELL IS HE?!
“As there’s darkness, there’s always light somewhere inside it…” When I heard that… heard that line, my mind went overdrive to find the one who muttered that word, but… when I saw who it was… it was just some rando with an overly large dark blue hoodie.
“This piece that I made was when I was still in school, this is actually my first piece!” I informed him to entice him more on the painting he was observing.
“Ohh! Well, I guess that explains the very uniform and by the book feeling of how it is drawn… But I have to admit, for a first piece, you really nailed the feeling.”
“Thank you!”
“And it seems…” He then turns himself towards me. “Even somethings… still stay the same, right Brooks?”
I then saw a glimpse of his eyes, it was purple, violet purple, a color that only belongs to one person that I very dearly know…
BRRRRT….
My phone… suddenly out of nowhere, vibrated in my pocket, turning my intention to it and see that it was Martyn calling me. But… who was- he was gone, vanish through thin and air, leaving me with… MARTYN!
“I’ve been waiting for more than an hour you know!”
