[Vol. 2 pt. 45]
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“How was that?” I ask Sophie after turning back to my real body.

Naturally, the annoying window that pops up gets immediately swatted away.

I really hate those windows.

“Three out of five, I guess,” Sophie says.

Ouch. My awesome, finishing move only managed to get me three out of five? “What would have made it a five out of five?”

“If I was being fed food during it, lol.”

Oh.

That makes sense.

I guess my pride shouldn’t be hurt too much seeing as how she would probably demand food to go with every occasion.

“Sophie, is there anything that food doesn’t make better?” I ask.

“Hmmm… nah,” Sophie answers.

“What about taking a bath? What if there’s food in the water? Wouldn’t it get all soggy and gross?”

“You’re thinking too raw. Replace the water with honey, put some orange and lemon slices in there, and have a plate of steak floating on top of the honey! That’s how you make a bath better with food!”

“That seems pretty elaborate.”

“One must do what needs to be done for the sake of food!”

“That sounded too serious coming from you.”

“Lol.”

“That’s better. Alright, what about… getting a haircut? What if you get hair clippings in your food while you’re trying to eat?”

“Milkshake or smoothie with a straw and a lid.”

“That seems pretty simple.”

“Well duh. You have to give me a harder challenge than that, you wibbly wobbler.”

“What even is a wibbly wobbler?”

“You know, like those wacky waving inflatable tube things lol.’

“I… I really wonder how people from this world would react to seeing one of those.”

We both look at Captain Consentacles.

He’s as close to one of those wacky waving inflating tube things as this world might be able to get – well, naturally.

I wonder if it’d be possible to make a fake one somehow. I mean, they’re just really long, hollow balloon tubes with fans blowing in them, right?

Now that I think about it…

I have no idea how those things work.

What are they made of? I’ve never felt one, but they looked like balloons… kind of, so…

Oh, fuck.

There are so many things that I never learned the truth behind back on Earth. This is going to drive me insane now!

What was the secret behind the “wibbly wobblers?”

What about marshmallows? I always wanted to know how those were made! Well, Sophie might know the answer to that.

But she won’t know the answer to how come those crows never liked me?! Every time I went outside, every time, there were twenty crows who would get close to me and watch me! They even started diving at me and would never stop cawing! Now I’ll never figure out what I did to piss them off. Not only that, but what’s going to happen to them? Are they going to go off to find some other random guy to harass? Are they…

Wait.

What’s going to happen to all my stuff?

My car, my apartment, my… my…

My computer.

Oh no.

“Lust! I’m ready to go back!” I mentally shout, though I doubt I’m going to be allowed.

Well, I had some passwords protecting everything worth protecting, so it should be fine.

I hope.

Wait, why do I care anyways?

I didn’t have any family nor real friends, so the only people who might discover anything about me would just be my old fans or the police.

And they don’t matter because I’m here now. I’m never going to find out what they thought about me.

I suddenly regret everything that has led up to my current situation.

Well, I regret everything before being brought here. I don’t really regret anything that has happened since being brought here. I only regret… I only regret saving those pictures and that thing.

But it’s alright. I will never have to face the judgement of anybody who discovers the truth.

Huh. Now that I think about it, I guess I’m just going to be considered missing.

It’s a good thing I didn’t have pets or any… any…

Oh.

Oh no.

I…

I left my taquitos in the oven.

There was an old woman living next door to me!

Did my apartment burn down?

Did I accidentally start a fire all because I wanted to warm up some frozen taquitos in my oven?

And I left clothes in the dryer in the laundry room!

What happened to my clothes? Are other people going to take them out of the dryer eventually? Just ignore them? Well they forever be those random clothes left in the dryer by the guy who disappeared and who may or may not have burned the apartment building down due to wanting to make taquitos in the oven?

“Hey… you okay? You seem like totally out of it,” Sophie says.

“Yeah, I’m… I’m fine,” I answer, obviously lying. There is no way that I nor any man could ever be fine with the weight of the guilt now on my shoulders.

I’m a horrible person. Now I understand why I’m being labeled evil here.

Sorry, old lady neighbor whose name I can’t remember. I hope that you burned quickly.

Well, I hope that you didn’t burn at all, but if you did burn, I hope that it was quick and maybe in your sleep or something.

I’ll never forget you and your… really saggy breasts.

Shit, that’s the only thing I can remember about her. Those damn things were reaching down to her knees…

“I think I’m gonna go get dressed and go back now, ‘kay?” Sophie says, actually sounding kind of freaked out.

I must look really obvious.

I need Lily to comfort me.

“Oh, hang on, Sophie,” I call out.

“Hmm? Yeah?” Sophie answers, turning around to face me.

“I was just wanting to know what you thought of the experience here.”

“Hmm. You mean like what I think about this place and the services and all that?”

“Yeah. What you thought of the layout, the idea of going around the place, bathing and a massage after, all of that.”

“Needs more food.”

“Of course.”

“But, it was pretty fun, lol. I’d totes come back sometime, esp if you get more platters for me to taste.”

“I’ll make sure we have an even wider variety of options for you to taste next time.”

“I’ll look forward to it!”

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