“What, you’re a detective now too?” Mara scowled back at me from her seat on the platform. Her voice was shaky and it wasn’t hard to tell that she was holding back tears. She growled and slammed her fist down on the floor in frustration, her breath becoming an angry squeal that floated off into the night air. “Fine. Sure. Whatever. Congratulations. I’m the stupid kid.” Mara’s collar blinked to life and glowed a warm green.

“Whitney, I-”

“DON’T call me that.” Whitney- I mean, Mara’s fists were balled as she stormed back up to the console. I stayed where I was and the demoness took her turn without a word, the claw predictably dropping whatever it was she was after.

I didn’t know what to say. I had just given her my biggest secret and somehow it came and went in the wake of finding out that the demon I summoned was the same girl whose circle I traced over. The flirty, fiery, powerful persona that had been exploding out of Mara was gone now, replaced with some mixture of bitter anger and sadness. Every word that came out of her mouth felt more defeated than the last. I felt so lost with the gaps in my information here, but obviously whatever happened to her as a kid led to her becoming the demoness before me. 

She didn’t even turn around when she started speaking again. “So, what now? You gonna cut and run?”

I pushed myself up off the floor of the platform. “I don’t understand. We haven’t finished the game yet.”

“I’ve done this before, Holly. I’ve been through this whole song and dance six times at this point with summoners much more experienced than you.” When Mara turned to face me, tears were rolling quietly down her face. “If you’re going to send me back, stop playing with me and just fucking do it already.” Wait, was that something I could do? Constance, it would have been super cool if you had given away any info whatsoever about this stuff.

"Mara, I don't know why you keep thinking I'm trying to trick you, but I promise you that's not what's happening. I'm not trying to hurt you, and I'm not going to send you back." Cautiously, I walked towards the console, stopping just shy of the controls. "Can we… just keep playing the game?"

My demon ran her arm across her face, messily wiping the tears off of herself. She gave no response, but Mara stepped back and allowed me up to the machine. Our turns began passing as normal once again, but this time around I didn't try anything fancy; no skulls, no strategy. I was still processing everything that had happened, but it didn’t take much for me to piece a few things together.

First of all, the demon I summoned was someone I was schoolmates with; a girl I kind of sort of used to know in passing. Second, whatever had happened in the gymnasium all those years ago had led to Mara becoming a demon, and it was something she desperately hadn’t wanted me to know. Lastly, I could read the room enough to know that she was scared and upset. Mara needed a win. I could take the hit.

The fifth turn came with Mara at the helm, and she latched onto one of my capsules well enough to drag it over to the prize chute. She hadn’t spoken a word since I last addressed her, and that didn’t change until we both laid eyes on the prize inside my capsule. The last time I had seen my old skirt, it was ablaze in the fire of the revival night outing right next to Andrew Dodson’s band posters. As it stood before me, it was only lightly singed, still smoldering as if some kind-hearted soul had pulled it from the flames. Mara held the skirt up and turned it about, and then finally let her eyes drift back to me again.

“A jean skirt? A little puritan, don’t you think?” The demoness tossed the smoking skirt in my general direction, barely giving me time to snatch it from the air. “Doesn’t seem much like your style.” Mara leaned back against the railing of the platform, her tail running up and down the length of her leg in slow, repeated motions.

“I don’t really- ah, shit!” The skirt caught fire midway through my sentence and I tossed it down to avoid getting burnt. A few good stomps did the trick, and the effigy of my teenage self was finally no longer actively being incinerated. “I don’t think I have a style; not really, anyway.” Part of me was hoping for some snarky reply; something flirty or bitchy or rude. Instead, Mara launched right into her question.

“What did you mean when you said you wanted to be a girl?”

She bit down on her thumbnail and leaned into the railing. I was asking for this when I gave up the chance at grabbing another turn, but now, faced with the prospect of actually explaining myself, I found it incredibly hard to really articulate how I felt. I had thought she’d been onto me the whole time. Mara had to have known something was up already. She had thrown every pet name in the book at me, treated me like I was cute, called me a…

“Uh…”

“Come on, Holly. You went straight for my throat. No excuses.”

“I mean… it’s… you know.”

“No. I don’t think I do. Why don’t you tell me.”

Mara crossed her arms and stared through me with cold eyes. Even amidst the chaos earlier, part of me felt a little relief before when I believed Mara had somehow figured me out. You spend a lifetime hoping somebody will see something, anything in you; for somebody to tell you it’s okay. Think, Holly: how would you explain this to somebody?

Before I could finish my train of thought, I noticed a faint red glow building just below my field of vision. No, wait! I could do this! I just needed time to think it through! I could feel the urge crawling up the walls of my throat and I knew it was too late. The familiar buzzer sounded. Here we went.

“I MEAN I WANT TO BE A GIRL! I want to be a girl with everything in me. I want to be a girl so bad I don't care what happens. I can't be the things they want from me, and GOD I have tried. I prayed and I screamed and I hurt myself. I tried to kill these feelings any way I could, but they live and they breathe and I ache. I know I’m fucked up and wrong, I know I’m damned already for wanting something I’m not supposed to have, but I do not care any more. I can't go back to that life. I can't go back to sitting in despair and waiting for God to do something. Risking my life is nothing to me, because if I have to go back there I’m going to die anyway. I want. To be. A girl.”

My breathing was so heavy as I came out of absolutely vomiting out my feelings. Fuck. Fuck. Goddamnit, I had only said out loud that I wanted to be a girl a few minutes ago, and this stupid collar forced out everything. Was I… oh great, now I was crying. I made it 28 years without breaking in front of somebody, and now I’d exposed my most vulnerable places to the demon I was playing against. Tears streamed from my face, the kind that just fell out with no resistance, two little waterfalls soaking my hands as they landed. I wasn’t ready to open that much of myself to anybody. My face was so hot, I was heaving and my nose was running and I was absolutely positive I looked disgusting. My arms closed around my body as I convulsed, holding myself as I had done so many times before. I clutched myself as hard as I could, but as I stood there trying to stop the flood of emotions, I felt a second set of arms close around me.

“Hey, shhh. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” I felt Mara’s clawed fingers run through my hair and I buried my face into her shoulder without hesitation. I needed touch so bad right now and I don’t think I was physically capable of psyching myself out enough at this point to refuse it. The demoness pressed her face into mine and cooed soft words into my ear. “I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.” My trembling hands let go of my torso and latched onto her. I pulled her close to me and sobbed into her with an intensity I hadn’t allowed myself in years. Not talking about it was my only defense, and it had been ripped away from me. I was exposed.

When I pictured this moment in my head when I was younger, I saw the people I loved turning their backs on me. I saw the gaping maw of Hell open wide, yawning and careless, waiting for me to fall backwards into the abyss. It was shame, white hot and searing, marking me forever for what I was and what I could never be.

Now, here in the arms of someone who by all accounts should be using my weakness to her advantage, I was slowly allowing myself to feel something else.

Mara held me there on the platform until the river ran dry. When I finally let go of her, I was a mess, and I was overheating so bad I immediately tore my jacket off and tossed it over near my bag. My voice was hoarse, so I bent down to grab myself a bottle of water from my pack. That's when I heard her voice from behind me.

“Oh Jesus, you got the whole tree, huh?” A small shot of panic rushed through me for a moment as I realized what she was talking about, but it left as soon as it came. At this point, my biggest secret was out and, at least with this one specific person, my fears had been thoroughly squashed. I didn’t care if she saw it. I quickly swallowed some water and rolled my sleeve up and turned to show her my mark.

“Unfortunately. How much do you know about it?”

Mara stretched and made her way over to where I was. With a gentle touch, she ran her fingers over the symbol on my shoulder, tracing the roots of the tree downward towards my elbow.

“Not a lot. I know they don’t like it when you flinch. Can I?” Mara reached for the bottle of water in my hands and I let her take it. She allowed herself a few swigs and handed it back to me. “They only made Jess get the apple.”

“I wasn’t exactly good at holding still… or at a lot of things, honestly.” I reached into my bag and pulled out another bottle of water and handed it to her.

“Thanks, uh… is Holly still okay?” My name always sounded different when Mara said it. I blushed a little and rummaged in my bag.

“Um, yeah. It’s, uh - actually my last name.” I pulled out a bag of beef jerky and tore it open. I hadn’t known how long this was going to take, but past-Holly really said “Let’s bring snacks,” so my tear-addled ass at least had something to munch on. I managed to put a single strip in my mouth before Mara tore the package out of my hands and started ravenously devouring the bag of cured meat. She was squealing and sighing and letting out all sorts of unholy sounds I’d never heard her make.

“Fuck, I’m sorry! I just-” She swallowed a mouthful of jerky before she continued speaking. “-Oh my god oh my god it’s so good. Holly, you beautiful bitch. I haven’t had food like this in so long. Everything in Hell tastes like somebody turned the volume on the food halfway down. It’s like the taste of somebody describing food to you. It’s like licking a wrapper that just had food in it.” She shoved another handful of jerky in her mouth and moaned, and I turned my head away to hide the blush I felt bubbling up into my cheeks. “Fuck me, I’ve missed this.” Once she had finished demolishing my snack, Mara flopped over next to me and let out a long, contented sigh.

“Thank you for… you know, everything. I really appreciate it.” I fidgeted a bit as I let the words go. Something had shifted between us, and it was hanging there in the air.

“My pleasure, Holly dearest.” Mara snaked her heart-tipped tail around me and squeezed. “Now, if you don’t mind, you and I have a lot to talk about.”

originalzin

Hey all, this chapter's a heavy one. It was deeply personal for me and I hope in the end that it communicates the feelings I intended it to. Religious trauma is so deep in my bones that it's just kind of part of me at this point, if you couldn't tell from the very subtle girl who made her username wordplay with "Original sin."

I want you all to know that I appreciate you very, very much, and that the response to this story has been a point of comfort in a very busy and stressful period of my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

One of my partners and I are in the process of prepping to move cross-country in the next few weeks, so things are a lot right now. I'm going to do my best to get y'all a chapter on Wednesday, but it may be Friday before we visit these girls again. Anyway, thank you for going on this ride with me. I hope you spend your day doing something you love.

~ Zinni

P.S. - To the people who keep dying over cliffhangers and back and forthing with each other - your reactions give me life. >:D